


youre forgiven but not forgotten

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Discussions of past rape abuse and manipulations, M/M, May be slightly out of character too, Mentions of Bi-polar - i wont write anything about it since i dont know anything about it, Mickey is out and comfortable but not pride parade out, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Set at the end of Season 5 before Mickey gets chased by Sammi with a gun, feelings of abadonment, stable ian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:27:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 99,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mickey has moved on with his life after Ian broke up with him.  One year later Ian shows up at the bar Mickey works at but was it an accident or was it planned.  Can they work their way back to being friends and something more like what they used to be before it went to shit.  But is everything as it seems with Mickey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Youre moving on

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't a fix it fic and its not related to canon with the exception of the break up. Don't know how long it will be either.

It had been one year since Ian broke up with Mickey. One year to the day since that horrible awful day that he ran all the way to Ian's house just to hold him again and tell him he loved him despite everything else that happened.

But Ian needed to be alone and while Mickey hated that he also knew that when Ian made his mind up there was no changing it and he always respected what Ian wanted. So he walked away trying to pick up the shattered pieces of his heart off the ground as he wondered how he got it so wrong, all he did was try to be there for Ian and it got him cast aside like a piece of trash on the side of the street. He knew he couldn't stay here anymore, couldn't watch as Ian went on with his life like Mickey was never worth anything to him so he left the south side.

A year later and Mickey was living in a just about affordable apartment in the north side of Chicago and worked security and sometimes as a bar tender at one of the gay bars in Boystown. He thought it was ironic since the last time he was here he was still in the closet but how things had changed and it also make him laugh to think of what his father would think to see him now. He hadnt heard or seen Ian since the day he left after Ian broke up with him.

Mickey was sitting in his apartment drinking a bottle of beer before he had to go to work in a few hours and he couldnt help wonder about Ian. He knew it took a lot of work on his part to get over the anger he felt towards Ian for so cruelly dumping him like he meant nothing to him. But now that his mind had cleared from that anger, hurt, rejection and confusion he was ready to listen to whatever Ian had to say. He was suprised to find that he still missed Ian, dreamt about him and thought about more than he would like to admit to himself nevermind anyone else.

He thought he had seen him out in the club a few times but he knew it was just his mind seeing what it wanted to see and he hated that Ian still had this hold over him but he knew Ian was it for him, there would never be anyone else and he tried once a few months ago.

A few hours later Mickey was behind the bar at the club, it was busy and the smell of sweat and alcohol created a heavy stench in the air and he found it intoxicating.  He looked around and it reminded him of the days he spent the Fairytale watching Ian dance only this club where he worked was no where near as seedy as the Fairytale which was why he liked his job here. An uneasy feeling settled in his stomach and knowing his instinct was his ally he looked around feeling like someone was watching him but he couldnt see anyone looking at him as he took drink orders from customers at the bar.

The uneasy feeling never went away and a few hours later he was at the cash register he turned around and saw him, saw that familiar head of red hair that haunted his dreams standing at the bar talking to someone. Mickey froze silently willing his feet to move and for him to look away but since he had shitty luck it was also the time Ian turned and looked at him straight in the eyes.

Mickey was surprised that Ian also froze ignoring the person he was with as he let his jaw slightly drop. Mickey was broken from his daze hearing his co worker tell him that a customer needed to be served. Mickey blinked and looked away from Ian and got to serving the customer not seeing the look of hurt on Ian's face.

For the rest of the night Mickey kept seeing Ian sitting at the edge of the bar talking to what looked like his friend but his attention was mostly spent looking over at Mickey much to Mickey's surprise. Mickey couldn't help but glance over at him too and he just wanted to get out of there but also just really wanted to talk to Ian.

He glanced over at Ian again and they both looked straight at each other and Mickey wondered if Ian even wanted to talk to him but a small whisper in his mind told him Ian wanted to talk with him.

Ian was the first to look away as his friend asked what he was looking at that was so important and Mickey ignored them for the rest of the night. It was nearly closing time when Mickey remembered Ian being at the other end of the bar and silently cursed himself for not talking to Ian. But when he looked over he saw Ian sitting alone and drinking from a glass of water that looked like it was mixed with cranberry juice.

Mickey felt the need for a smoke but his shift wasnt over yet so he settled for a shot of vodka as he still had half an hour to go before he finished.

It looked like Ian wanted to talk to him and he knew he would regret it if he didnt talk to Ian so he walked over and stood in front of him telling him "hey, long time no see Ian" softly as he looked at him feeling suprised there was no animosity in his voice at all.

Even Ian looked suprised as he looked up replying "hey, didnt think I would see you here, havent seen you around lately" not wanting to add that he missed him. Mickey softly smiled replied "yeah moved out here after we you know" falling silent.

Ian picked up on that he meant the break up replying "yeah, biggest mistake of my life that was" muttering to himself. Mickey heard it and hid his surprise as Ian stumbled over his words before asking "is there any chance we can talk, you dont have to, I know you probably hate me but I just really want to talk now that I have you here" softly.

Mickey silently looked at him feeling too tired for this replying "Ian its late, I am tired" softly silently kicking himself at Ian's hurt expression but he also didnt feel like talking right now. Ian looked off to the side hating that Mickey was back to ignoring him but he also didnt blame him considering what happened a year ago.

He was suprised when Mickey continued "but we can talk tomorrow yeah" firmly. Ian looked at him replying "yeah sure" with a soft smile. There was an uncomfortable silence before Mickey asked "how are you anyway, how you been" curiously not even trying to hide that he still cared about Ian.

Ian softly grimaced looking at his glass before looking up at him replying "okay-ish, will explain more tomorrow, dont really want to talk here" softly. Mickey grabbed a notepad and a pen that was on the shelf under the bar top and wrote down his address and ripped off the piece of paper handing it to Ian "this is where I live, come by tomorrow but not before 12, I need my sleep" humouredly.

Ian softly laughed taking Mickey in as he looked him up and down replying "I will" softly. Mickey replied "gotta get back to work, you okay to get home" curiously. Ian looked down and bit his lip suprised the Mickey seem to actually still give a shit about him before he looked up replying "yeah, see you tomorrow" softly.

Mickey slightly grinned at him replying "see ya Ian and not before 12 remember" softly. Ian laughed before walking away and Mickey watched him leave letting out a deep breath he didnt know he holding as he talked to Ian.

* * *

 

 It was nearly evening time the next day when Ian showed up at the address to the apartment Mickey had given him at the bar last night.  He crumpled the piece of paper in his hand and put in his pocket before he went to knock on the door with his hand. He hesitated wondering if this was a good idea as a voice in his mind whispered that Mickey was only being nice and didnt really want him to show up. He also wondered did Mickey only invite to beat the shit out of him and he knew he deserved that after the way he treated his boyfriend who only tried to help him but Ian took that helpfulness as nursing him.

But he also knew Mickey wouldnt have told him where he lived if he didnt want to see him or talk to him at all. He snapped out of his thoughts and knocked on the door figuring there was only one way to find out as he waited for the door to be answered.

He didnt have to wait long as the door swung open and when Mickey realized who it was he said "Ian, about time you got here" evasively as he tried to ease the awkwardness. Ian picked up on it hesitantly replying "yeah had to work, just finished so came over" softly as he pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

Mickey picked up on Ian being awkward replying "get the fuck in here, I dont want the neighbours knowing my fucking business" as he stood back to let Ian inside. Ian walked into the small apartment and sat on the sofa in front of the tv as Mickey asked "you want a drink" as he looked at him.

Ian looked over at him replying "juice will be fine thanks" softly. There was a silence when Mickey walked over to the kitchen to grab a beer and a glass of orange juice for Ian. Mickey sat beside Ian as he handed him the glass replying "didnt think you would come" softly before taking a drink from the bottle.

Ian looked down at the glass in his hands replying "wasnt sure if I should but I know you well enough to know if you didnt want me here you wouldnt have told me to come over" as he looked up at Mickey.

Mickey slightly laughed at the way Ian still knew him so well and it only made him miss Ian even more than he thought he did over the past year. Mickey looked over at him replying "you know me too fucking well" softly as both of them laughed. The laughter seemed to break the tension and there was a comfortable familiar silence as they looked away from each other getting used to being in each other's company again.

Ian was the first to break it as he looked at Mickey telling him "I'm sorry for the way I ended things" softly. Mickey didnt miss the sincerity in his voice as he looked at him replying "you really fucking hurt me Ian, I gave you everything you wanted and you threw it away like it meant nothing to you" softly.

Ian looked down at his hands shaking his head in agreement replying "I know and its something I regret doing" softly. Mickey defensive retorting "is that why you are here, to make yourself feel better about what you did" angrily.

Ian looked over at him replying "no, I came to make things right, a lot of shit happened after it ended with us and it made me realize stuff" softly. Mickey looked at him and relaxed a bit as he wondered just what exactly happened after he left.


	2. These ghosts I keep inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to point out that this fic is going to be a dark angsty one. It will cover PTSD, self harm and dealing with Mickey's past of abuse. Ian will be stable because I am not going anywhere near a topic I know nothing about. Mickey's issues I have experience with so I hope it will come across more genuinely. Even though I will be discussing stuff like Mickey's rape its still not a fix it fic, I am also not relating it to canon even though canon events have happened like the rape. I don't even know if that makes sense. But I will put a warning for triggers on this because I don't want to trigger anyone dealing with these issues. It also wouldn't surprise me if this fic is more of a cathartic thing for me either.

* * *

 

Ian couldn't believe he was here in Mickey's small one bedroomed apartment in the north side of Chicago. He couldn't believe that Mickey was willing to talk to him again and he also couldn't believe he was sitting on Mickey's sofa with a drink in his hand. Ian thought Mickey would really tell him to fuck off but he was suprised when Mickey invited him over to his apartment.

The first thing Ian did was apologize and he hated himself for just how much he hurt Mickey as he told him "I came to make things right, a lot of shit happened after it ended with us and it made me realize stuff" softly.

Ian was suprised at Mickey's confused and concerned expression when he replied "what happened, are you okay" softly as he leaned forward where he sat beside Ian. Ian shuffled a bit replying "its a long story" as he looked down at his feet.

Mickey hated the sick feeling he felt in his stomach because judging by Ian's expression and evasiveness he knew it wasnt good and for the first time he regretted leaving south side and not keeping an eye on Ian. Mickey sighed muttering "I should never have fucking left, should have stayed" angrily. Ian grabbed his arm with his hand replying "no you did what you needed to, I would have done the same, its not your fault that it got worse after you left" softly as he looked at Mickey.

They fell into a suprisingly comfortable silence before Mickey asked "so what happened, come on tell me" curiously. Ian didnt know if he should say anything, he was afraid he would get nothing but judgement but he also knew Mickey never judged him for anything.

Ian rolled the sleeve of his hoodie between his fingers blurting out "after you left I just got more depressed, kept avoiding my family, quit my job at the diner, couldnt stand Fiona hovering over me anymore, she kept checking to see if I took my meds but I wasnt, I was just flushing the daily dose so she wouldnt notice" softly.

Mickey wanted to ask something but decided not to and his question was answered when Ian told him "but I have been on my meds for about six months now, moved to north side and got a job at a gym as a trainer, had to take a course first but I am stable now which is good" before falling silent.

Mickey was too curious now asking "I'm glad you got your shit together but why do I feel like there is more, what about your family" as he looked at Ian. Ian bitterly chuckled replying "they dont care, Lip decided college is better than us, Fiona decided she doesnt care anymore after raising us for our whole lives and would rather be going between as many guys as she can, and Debbie and Carl are doing their own thing, they dont want me around, I am a burden to them and they made me know it too" as he shrugged his shoulders not wanting to add the worst of what happened.

Mickey scoffed thinking he wouldnt expect anything else off the other Gallaghers considering the way they treated Ian when he was first diagnosed. Mickey put his hand on Ian's shoulder looking at him replying "you can stay here anytime you want okay, I want you around" suprising even himself at the admission and ignoring that whisper in his mind that asked what the fuck was he doing. Ian looked at him with a shocked expression but quickly hid it hesitantly asking "really" softly.

Mickey thought about it before replying "of course you fucking can, I missed you" not really caring about the blurting out of stuff he didnt want to say yet as well as that other whisper in his mind that told him to tell Ian to go away. Mickey wasnt lying when he said he missed Ian and he didnt want him to leave again but he was prepared for it to happen. It was also why he was keeping his expectations low this time.

Ian looked off to the side mumbling "thought you wouldnt want me around" in a whisper. Mickey heard it replying "whats that mumbles, of course I fucking want you around, did you not fucking get that a year ago" in a tone laced with anger. Ian felt the tears well up asking "still wish you hadnt left, I regretted it straight away" as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey sighed replying "yeah well you know me, anger and avoidance is my default" in a joking manner but there was a hint of seriousness. A tense silence fell with both of them knowing Mickey was right before Ian looked at him replying "I missed you too" not adding just how much he really missed him.

Ian didnt tell him about the nights he spent lying awake replaying the vicious words he said that day and wishing he could take it back. Ian didnt tell him about the pain he inflicted on himself over his stupid decisions and his overbearing family who only served to remind him of how he had become Monica.

He was broken from his thoughts when Mickey gently shoved him on the shoulder with his hand asking "what else, come on you wanted to talk" before he took a drink from the beer bottle on the table. Ian decided not to tell him about the time he hit complete rock bottom after Mickey left.

Instead he told him "a few weeks after you left I got in touch with my old friend Ryan that you met that night at the loft party, he helped me find a cheap and small place not far from here actually, about a twenty minute walk, havent been back in south side since then" softly as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey quietly watched Ian hiding his disbelief at having been so close to Ian for the past year and he couldnt ignore the strange sick sinking feeling at having been so close but so far away at the same time. Ian sensed it too adding "I hate that we were so close but so far away, I wish I had come sooner, I thought you went to Mandy or something so I didnt look for you" softly and he really did wish he came back to Mickey sooner.

Mickey didnt hold it against him replying "no I came here and I dont think I would have listened if you came sooner, have you heard from Mandy" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "tried calling her but her number is disconnected" softly. Mickey cursed muttering "should never have let her leave with that fucking asshole, he probably killed her" icily. Another silence fell before Mickey looked at him asking "what else" not wanting to talk about Mandy anymore and how he failed her in some way.

It was another name to the list of people he failed and Ian was also on that list not that he would say any of that to Ian. Ian got the hint replying "when I moved up here I cut myself off from people, had a legit job in a cafe for a while before college and my job in the gym and when I got stable, needed to pay the rent you know, the only one to check and see if I was still alive was Ryan" before falling silent.

Mickey hated that Ian was all alone and if he had of known where Ian was at the time and what was happening he wasnt sure if he could of stayed away. He didnt stop caring about Ian just because Ian had left him, he found it was too hard to turn off his feelings for Ian and he tried, the bottles of alcohol left lying around his apartment for the first three months told him that.

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when Ian continued "a few days before I got on the meds six months ago I tried to kill myself, would have died if Ryan hadnt of found me, he hadnt heard from me in a few days and came to see if I was okay, I think he knew I wasnt even though I told him I was" softly as he looked down at the floor.

Since the two of them were sitting sidewards on the the sofa facing each other Mickey lunged forward and pulled Ian in for a hug hating that he came close to permanently losing Ian forever. He didnt care that he had no defenses since Ian walked back into his life less than twenty four hours ago, he wasnt angry anymore but he was still hurt and he was suprised to feel that he still loved Ian so fucking much.

Mickey leaned back a bit as he grabbed Ian's hair in his hand forcing Ian to look at him as he told him "I am fucking glad you are okay Ian, cant believe you did that shit" softly. Ian softly smiled feeling a tear run down his cheek as he returned the hug breathing in the smell he loved so much and feeling as if it was all just a dream but the strong embrace from Mickey told him it was real.

For the first time in a year he felt like he had come home, he felt safe again and he knew he wasnt going to fuck it up this time even though he knew Mickey would be wary of him for a while.

A few minutes passed before Ian sat back wiping the tears from his eyes feeling too self concious whispering "maybe I should go" hesitantly. Mickey knew why Ian wanted to leave, he knew Ian hated feeling exposed and vulnerable just as much as he did but he was afraid if Ian left he would never see him again.

Mickey ignored the warning voice in his mind hestitantly blurting out "dont, dont go, I want you to stay Ian" softly as he looked at him. Ian looked up at him in shock replying "really" almost sighing in relief. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck with his hand and looked at him replying "fuck yes" softly.

There was silence and Mickey wasnt sure if he should say it but he needed to say it and he had a feeling Ian needed to hear it. Mickey grabbed Ian's hand and when Ian looked at him he told him "I was angry at you for a long time Ian but I get it, I had time to think and I get why you pushed me away, I know I was too over bearing but it was only because I fucking loved you, I wanted to help you, I know I was too controlling and I'm sorry for that but I'm not fucking sorry trying to help you even if I fucked it up" softly.

Ian softly smiled at him replying "I'm sorry too" softly before adding "dont get why you are nice to me even though I dont deserve it" hesitantly. Mickey squeezed Ian's hand replying "you had shit going on and I'm not angry anymore" softly. Ian paused before asking "I know we cant go back to the way we were but can we be friends first and maybe one day if its not asking too much would you forgive me" hesitantly.

Mickey sighed feeling unsure if he could ever get to that point where he forgave Ian and he hated himself for it but he wouldnt tell him that so settled for "I dont think we can ever be friends" mentally kicking himself at Ian's hurt expression.

Mickey squeezed Ian's hand again adding "but we got to start somewhere right" firmly. Ian slightly laughed knowing he would take what he could get replying "yeah, to friends it is then" firmly as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey let go of his hand and grabbed his beer and took a drink from it before quipping "want to stay over and watch shitty movies with me since its my night off, I got some weed" as he looked at Ian with a raised eyebrow. Ian chuckled looking at him replying "sure" firmly feeling a lot better then when he walked into the apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

A few hours later the movie was over and Mickey was more relaxed from the few beers and the weed and even Ian was more relaxed after some weed. Ian really wanted to know so he asked "what about you, what did you do when you left" curiously as he moved to rest on his side leaning against the sofa looking at Mickey. Mickey sighed not wanting to tell him anything about how hard he fell but he thought if Ian told him everything then maybe he should give something in return.

Mickey silently looked at the television screen with a blank expression before replying "I uh, I wasnt doing so good at first, when I moved in here I was just all alone and I hated it, I never had a problem being alone before but it just felt different this time" softly as he absently scratched at a spot on his forearm.

Mickey rubbed his eyes with his fingers feeling the tiredness wash over him adding "I dont know what you fucking want me to say, that I moved on and was happy and forgot about you, well I didnt, I drank so much I nearly turned into my dad until I got the job at the bar after been here for a month" angrily falling silent stopping himself from blurting out anything else.

He sat up and turned to face Ian deciding he could blame it on the beer and weed tomorrow as he blurted out "you fucking broke me Ian, do you know how shit that day made me feel, you made me feel like I wasnt good enough when you knew that I always felt like that" angrily as he glared at Ian deciding he wasnt going say any more.

Ian didnt hide his guilty expression and he nodded in agreement looking at Mickey replying "I'm sorry, I didnt mean to make you feel like that, I just felt like I wasnt good enough for you, that you could do better, that I didnt deserve you, I just kept pushing you all the time, always wanting more and then when I got it, I didnt know what to do with it" softly.

Mickey felt the anger drain out of him at Ian's words especially when Ian added "I just couldnt deal with it and it didnt help that everyone changed and started treating me differently even you and I know now that you were never like my family, now I think you were the only one who really cared and I pushed you away too" softly.

There was a short silence before Mickey replied "you know all you had to do was talk to me Ian, tell me what was going on inside that ginger head of yours, I would have backed off and given you space if you wanted it, I came out in front of everyone in front of my dad for you, didnt that tell you anything" firmly.

Ian shook his head in agreement replying "I know I fucked up but I got my shit straight now, I know what I want but I dont need you crowding me, I need a fucking friend, someone who is on my side" firmly.

Mickey slightly laughed replying "see that wasnt so hard was it and I wont crowd you and I am on your fucking side so dont fucking forget that" as he looked at Ian. Ian grinned at him replying "fuck you asshole" before laughing.

A comfortable silence fell as Mickey lit up a joint and took a pull from it before handing it to Ian as Ian asked "in touch with any of your family at all" curiously. Mickey shook his head replying "nah, just Iggy, need to know if my dad gets out of prison so he cant find me, dont want a repeat of last time" as he looked at Ian smoking the joint trying to ignore the flashbacks from that horrible day.

Ian grimaced angrily muttering "hope that fucker rots in jail" as memories of the day they were both caught flashed through his mind. Mickey chuckled replying "you and me both" softly as Ian passed him the joint.

They watched another movie and when it was over Ian looked at his phone for the time and muttered "I should go, its late" softly but making no effort to move as he just looked at Mickey. Mickey didnt want him to go but he didnt trust himself right now, he was too stoned and he knew he would just have sex with Ian if Ian stayed and he didnt want that, he just wanted to be friends first and see where it goes.

Mickey looked at him asking "got work tomorrow" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "yeah" softly as he looked at Mickey not wanting to leave but he thought it was probably a good idea. Ian stood up and walked to the door as Mickey followed him and opened the door as Ian said "thanks for letting me come over" softly.

Mickey grinned but bit his lip to hide it and he knew Ian noticed it so he just replied "no problem" softly. Ian hesitated as he silently looked at him asking "can I call you tomorrow" softly. Mickey laughed at Ian's awkwardness replying "sure you can, I didnt change my number and if you want you can come by the bar tomorrow night, I'm working but its up to you" firmly.

Ian shook his head trying but failing to hide the small smile on his face replying "sure but I changed my number" before he took his phone out and texted Mickey his new number. He put the phone in his pocket as he silently looked at Mickey adding "good night" and not wanting to ask if he could hug him again.

Mickey seemed to to sense Ian's hesitation but before he could ask what was wrong Ian had engulfed him in a tight hug and Mickey had no problem wrapping his arms around him and pulling Ian cloer to him.

A few moments had passed before Ian stepped out of the embrace and left the apartment. Mickey watched him leave before closing the door behind him and resting against it letting out a deep breath he didnt know he was holding as he silently wished he asked Ian to stay but he knew he would regret it tomorrow.

In fact he was starting to regret everything now that the rush of seeing Ian was starting to fade. He felt off during Ian's visit, it was too much and he felt the itch, that urge as his blood boiled in his veins and he felt the rage consume him. It felt like there was sharks swimming through his veins and clawing at his skin from the inside to try and escape.

He felt that urge to hurt himself, that urge to inflict pain he knew he deserved onto himself and it was taking over his brain leaving him feeling out of breath and not in control. He hated that he was caught between a world of the rush and excitment of having Ian back in his life and the other world of where he felt nothing but pain and anger towards Ian over things that happened in their past.

He felt numb as he mindlessly walked into the bathroom knowing what he needed to do and pulled out the familar razor blade from the cabinet over the sink and looked at it pulling off his tshirt. He looked in the mirror at newly healed scars that rested over his ribs and pressed the razor blade just above his hip bone and cut deeply feeling the pain locked up inside of him rush out through the cut made in his skin.

He threw the blade in the sink feeling the pain of the fresh cut and watched the blood run out and grabbed some tissue paper to stop the bleeding as the voice in his mind called him weak, pathetic and didnt deserve to live, didnt deserve Ian, didnt deserve anything or anyone but to just die alone. When the bleeding stopped he threw the tissue paper in the sink and went to bed feeling nothing but empty deciding to blame everything on the beer and weed tomorrow if he really regretted talking to Ian.

As he went to sleep he couldnt stop replaying their conversation and he could still feel the warmth of Ian's arms around him and the conflicting feelings and voices in his head created a war that raged in his mind as he fell asleep.

The next morning Mickey got out of the shower which did nothing to lessen the pounding headache he had from last nights alcohol consumption and the pain on his hip bone didnt help. It was one of the worst places to cut yourself but it was also the most easily hidden.

He worked in a bar so his arms were off limits when it came to places where he could inflict pain on himself without raising suspicion. He dried off with a towel and looked at the cut not one bit suprised at how the deep the cut was but he shrugged it off knowing he had cut deeper before. He got dressed and ate breakfast and looked at his phone to see a text message from Ian saying he enjoyed their talk.

Mickey sent him a replying saying he enjoyed it too but he didnt say how much he hated himself for feeling so weak by blurting out how he really felt. He didnt know he managed to keep up the happy facade with Ian but right now he just felt like he wanted to die. He didnt understand why he felt like this, he knew he just did, it wasnt anything new as he felt like this before but it was never this bad and he never felt more alone in his life.

Mickey thought Ian was like the sun, he shone bright and radiated warmth which was the opposite to Mickey. Mickey knew he was the darkness, he was the cold and didnt belong to the light, he belonged to the shadows left in the dark to be forgotten. Always watching and waiting for someone to notice him but never happened until Ian. When he had Ian it felt like he stole the light that he had no right to have, that he didnt deserve it.

So he did what he always did, he held it tight and never dared to let it go for fear of losing it. The only problem was he held on too tight and the light slipped away, Ian slipped away and along with it so did Mickey as he became more and more lost in his mind.


	3. I'm in your blood and like a poison in your veins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not completely happy with this, kept re-writing it but feels a bit rushed to me but I needed to time jump it so I could move the story along. Hope its okay.  
> ____________________________________

Mickey hated himself, the amount of self loathing he had rivaled the hatred his own father had for him at the best of times. He grew up in a house where he was told he was never good enough but to be good enough he needed to be exactly like his father. The only problem was Mickey didn't want to be anything like his father so he tried his best fly under the radar, did what he was told, went on runs when needed and generally avoided the place if he could.

Mickey sold drugs on the side to make his own profit that his father didnt know about because if he did then his father would want a cut. Sometimes it worked but most times it didnt due to the amount of beatings he got at the hands of his father. Mickey hated that house with a burning passion and he envied his brothers and Mandy always seeming to have somewhere to go when shit got bad. He also hated them a little for leaving him to deal with the brunt of his father's anger and for that reason he always felt like he was walking on a knife edge.

He was always on that fine line of slipping on the knife edge and while he tried not to fall the knife still cut deep into him. It made him feel like an outsider in his own home and it didnt help that he was gay which was everything his father hated and more. Terry was a raging xenophobic, racist, homophobic piece of shit who had every one with sense in the south side running scared of him and Terry knew he had that power over people. Mickey swore Terry got drunk off the power alone and when meth and alcohol were added to that mix it made a potent recipe for disaster.

Mickey knew he was gay from a young age and he didnt dare acknoledge it to himself never mind anyone else so he stayed in his own personal hell of the closet. Then Ian came along and for the first time ever he felt free of all the shit called his life but he still had to be careful. Mickey had seen Terry kill people in a gay bashing and when he witnessed his first gay bashing by his father he made sure there was no clue to his sexuality. Terry made sure Mickey knew just how worthless he was as a person, how he was good for nothing and a waste of space.

Mickey could tell plently of stories about how much his father told him he was a mistake, no one wanted him, even his own mother left because she didnt want to be near him. When Terry would get drunk or was angry it was Mickey who was on the receiving end of that anger and sometimes it would be Mandy but Mickey never liked to think about that at all.

Mickey was terrfied of his father, his father hated him and made sure Mickey knew it. Mickey knew his father hated him when he had him raped after catching him having sex with Ian. Mickey was never so afraid as that day, it was the worst day of his life along with having to marry Svetlana and all his could think about that day was protecting Ian. For Mickey his own life didnt matter, Ian mattered and he was worth protecting and the internal voices now told him he even failed to do that.

After that day Mickey always had nightmares about that day, sometimes the scenario would change, Terry would kill Ian or Ian would kill Terry or Terry would have Mickey raped and then kill him along with Ian. Mickey hated those nightmares, he always woke up in a pool of his own sweat which resulted in him reaching for the cool feel of a razor blade to deal with the pain of having his dignity and pride stripped from him.

Terry never failed to make Mickey feel as dehumanized as he possibly could and no one in the Milkovich house with the exception of Mandy knew what that feeling was like. Even though his father was safely locked up Mickey still felt that self disgust and hatred towards himself and as each day passed the lower he felt and the more dehumanized he became.

 

* * *

 

 

That night at the bar as he worked he silently hoped that Ian would make an appearance and he got his wish as half an hour later Ian sat at the bar waiting for him to finish serving a customer. Mickey finished serving the customer and couldnt hide his smile greeting Ian with "hey didnt think you would come" softly.

Ian chuckled replying "I said I would didnt I" softly.

Mickey got Ian a juice and put it in front of him and turned around to his coworker telling him he was taking his break. Mickey got himself a glass of whiskey and moved around the bar to sit beside Ian quipping "so a personal trainer, got to say youre looking back in a shape again" as he looked Ian up and down with a slight smirk.

Ian laughed replying "knew you only like me for my looks" rolling his eyes as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey quickly snapped back "nah not just for that" as he looked down at what Ian was packing. Ian chuckled replying "fuck you" playfully hitting Mickey on the arm. Mickey laughed replying "you fucking wish" as he looked at Ian who nearly choked on his drink.

They fell into easy conversation and talked for the rest of Mickey's break and when Mickey said "got to get back to work" softly but not moving from his seat and he didn't want to move. Ian looked at him replying "I should get going too" softly. Both of them didn't want to go but they knew they had to as Mickey as Mickey asked "can you come by tomorrow" softly.

Ian sensed Mickey hesitation quickly replying "yeah, I'm working in the morning but I finish at 2 so I'll come over then" firmly. Mickey smiled at him as he stood up replying "good" softly. He was suprised when Ian stood up and engulfed him a hug rubbing his hand up and down Mickey's back.

Mickey returned the hug gripping onto Ian tightly before letting him go and stepping back as Ian said "see you tomorrow" and Mickey told him "sure" and watched Ian leave the bar.

 

* * *

 

 

When Mickey got home he went straight to bed feeling tired and like he might actually get some sleep from the cacaphony of noise in his head.

He got undressed and settled in under the covers hating that he felt so lost over the past year. He was all alone and he hated it, no one wanted anything to do with him anymore, they didnt care and he didnt blame anyone for it. Those monsters inside his head were back in full force telling him he deserved to be alone after all his father could see how worthless he was which meant everyone else could too.

He gave up ages ago trying to ignore them knowing the more he ignored them the louder they got in demanding his attention. So he let them fly around his mind in full force until he would eventually fall asleep and thats if he did fall asleep.

But he noticed another voice whispering along with all those other voices telling him he wasnt alone anymore, he had Ian, Ian was his anchor, Ian gave him something to hold onto and for the first time in a long time he felt like he didnt want to cut himself tonight.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian left the bar and walked home with a strange feeling in his gut after seeing Mickey. He even sensed it last night when he was talking to Mickey. He felt like Mickey had changed and his demeanour felt off, he noticed Mickey was more caged and defensive then he usually was and Ian was suprised Mickey told him how much he hurt him but Ian felt like Mickey was holding something back. He didnt know what was wrong with Mickey but he knew something was wrong and he was determined to get some answers.

He knew he couldnt confront Mickey but he decided he was going to be his friend and be there for him this time no matter what. Ian walked into his apartment and locked the door behind him as he threw his coat on the chair. He went to the fridge to pull out left overs for his dinner and took his meds.

He sat in front of the tv eating his food but he wasn't paying attention to the tv as his mind was wondering what the hell was up with Mickey. He was worried about him and he didnt know what to do about it. He sighed as he put the empty plate on the table deciding that maybe Mickey had just changed since last year and that he was probably worrying about nothing.

 

* * *

 

 

The next three months flew by and Mickey would spend time at Ian's or Ian would go over to Mickey's and they would watch movies and smoke some weed just like old times. They werent long falling into their old routine and getting more comfortable around each other and the awkwardness they had three months ago had just about gone and it helped that they saw each other every day.

Ian swore that Mickey had changed but wasnt sure if it was a good change or a bad change. The sick feeling he had lately was becoming stronger everytime he saw Mickey. He noticed changes like Mickey accepting drugs off customers at the bar and it really made him worried because Mickey never accepted shit like that when he didnt know what he was taking.

Ian knew Mickey had become more reckless and more seceretive and he also noticed the pale withdrawn look on Mickey's face everytime they were in each others company. Ian really wanted to ask if something was wrong but he knew his friend well enough to know Mickey would say nothing to him if Ian asked outright. Ian kept an eye out for anything different and he also noticed Mickey drank a lot more than he used to back in south side and it raised alarm bells in his head.

This particular night when Mickey was over Ian decided to test the waters a bit turning to face his friend asking "Mickey if there was anything wrong you would tell me right" in a concerned tone. Mickey looked over at him replying "the fuck you on about" defensively. Ian back peddled a little telling him "just noticed your drinking a lot more lately" softly as he looked at him making sure he didnt have an expression of pity.

Luckily for him Mickey didnt notice it retorting "I'm a fucking Milkovich, if I didnt drink the place dry then something would really be wrong" in a joking tone as he looked blankly at the tv screen. Ian silently watched him deciding to let it drop and pretended not to notice when he saw Mickey breathe a sigh of relief and Ian wished he could just do something to help.

If Ian were honest he would say he was worrying for weeks over Mickey's behaviour and he didnt know what to do. Mickey didnt say much for the rest of the night and when the movie was over Ian said "fuck I'm tired, you want to crash here tonight" curiously. Mickey looked at him deciding he didnt want to be alone tonight replied "yeah I'll take the sofa as usual" softly.

Ian grinned replying "I'll get the pillow and a blanket for you but you can always share my bed with me, its more comfortable" and got up to get what he said he would get. Mickey laughed replying "sofa's fine" thinking his friend was an idiot but he wouldnt change Ian for anything. Ian came back with the pillow and blanket and dumped it on the sofa and they both said good night before Ian walked away going into his room and shutting the door behind him.

Mickey lay awake on the sofa lying on his side facing Ian's bedroom door wishing he could be in there with him but he just felt like he wasnt meant to have something good like Ian in his life. He remained on his side wishing he just talk to Ian but he couldnt, he was a prisoner in his own head and he didnt know how to get out of it and he didnt want to burden Ian who was already dealing with his own shit.

Mickey tossed and turned on a the small sofa. The nightmare called Terry was back only this time he found out Mickey was living on the north side. Mickey was watching tv with Ian when the door was kicked in and Terry roared as he ran across the small apartment and began to beat Mickey within an inch of his life before he started to beat up Ian. Mickey kept screaming for Terry to leave Ian alone and shouting anything to bring back Terry's attention back to him and away from Ian.

It didnt work as Terry pulled out a gun and pointed it at Ian and pulled the trigger called Mickey a fag who deserved to die before shooting him too.

Mickey woke up screaming for Ian and jolted upright to see Ian sitting on the coffee table looking at him in confusion. Ian leaned forward careful not to crowd Mickey telling him "its okay, its just a nightmare" softly as he put a hand on Mickey's shoulder in comfort.

Mickey pushed him off replying "its fine" as he stood up to get dressed feeling the tightness in his chest telling him to get out of there. Mickey couldnt breathe and he felt so weak for having another nightmare epecially in front of Ian. Ian didnt care and stood up trying to calm him down replying "your safe here, its late too you might as well stay" not wanting to tell Mickey he heard everything.

That he heard Mickey yelling for Terry to leave Ian alone and not to kill them before Mickey woke up shouting for Ian. Ian knew who Mickey was having the nightmare about, it was the day Mickey was raped and if Ian were honest he still had nightmares about it too.

Mickey calmed down a bit deciding it would take at least twenty minutes to get to his own place and it was cold outside so he settled back on the sofa muttering "I'm fucking fine you can go back to sleep now Gallagher" defensively.

Ian noticed Mickey's soaked with sweat t-shirt asking "at least let me get you a dry t-shirt" firmly. Mickey glared at Ian defensively replying "its fucking fine Gallagher now leave me alone" angrily.

Ian stood up replying "just wait" as he ran into his room and came back handing Mickey one of his green t-shirts adding "its fine" softly. Mickey took it off him and just silently glared at Ian as if he were telling him to fuck off, he didnt want to get changed in front of Ian and let him see those horrbile scars that marked his body, he didnt want Ian to see how far he had fallen in the space of one year.

Ian got the hint and slightly shook his head replying "okay, you know where I am if you need me" before walking back into his bedroom. Ian didnt want to leave Mickey alone but he knew Mickey needed his space right now and his own questions would have to wait but he now knew there was definately something wrong with Mickey.

Ian just didnt know what was wrong with his friend and he also didnt know how to help him but he knew someone who might know what was going on. When Mickey was sure Ian had gone to sleep he crept over to the kitchen and grabbed a knife before heading to bathroom and locking the door behind him.

Mickey was shaking violently with tears streaming down his face and was struggling to breathe as he sat on the cool floor not caring how deep he was slicing the knife into the skin on his thigh. He vigourously cut repeatedly muttering to himself how useless he was, that Terry was right in saying that he deserved to die, that he was piece of shit. What scared Mickey even more was that voice in his head was Terry's voice and it just made him cut deeper as he tried but failed to escape his tormentor.

Mickey felt the energy start to drain from him as he dropped the knife at his side and wiped the tears from his eyes thinking if Ian saw him like this he would never want to see Mickey. After a few minutes Mickey stood up and cleaned the cuts with some water and tissue paper not even caring that they were deep and would probably need stitches but he would rather bleed to death then have anyone knowing how weak he was for his self mutilation.

Mickey flushed the bloody tissues down the toilet and watched the evidence dissapear but the sharp sting of pain on his thigh remained as a reminder of just how weak he was and how weak he felt. Mickey left the bathroom and settled back on the sofa and didnt sleep for the rest of the night. What Mickey didnt know was that Ian was lying awake in his own bed wondering what was wrong with Mickey and wishing he could help him with whatever was wrong. Ian knew something was definately wrong especially when Mickey got defensive over a shirt.

Ian knew Mickey never had a problem getting changed in front of him before but tonight Mickey was tense and on edge and was defensive which told Ian something was wrong but he didnt know what. He decided to try and sleep deciding to talk to Mickey in the morning when he had calmed down.

When Ian stepped out of his bedroom the next morning Mickey was gone and Ian sighed never feeling so helpless at all. He got his breakfast and headed to his therapy session knowing he needed to do something to help Mickey.


	4. Can you help me destroy all of what I feel inside

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: discussions of rape and some triggers.

* * *

Ian finished his therapy session when Dr Ramirez told him "same time next week Ian" softly as she handed him his prescription for his medication. Ian looked at the brunette woman in her late thirties as she added "let me know if there is any changes with these ones, we are on a good run with these ones" firmly. Ian shook his head and hesitated before deciding not to say anything about Mickey knowing Mickey would hate him for talking about him behind his back.

She noticed his hesitation asking "is something on your mind, you know you can talk to me" curiously. Ian ran his hand through his hair before sighing in defeat sitting back down in the chair replying "remember I talked to you about Mickey before, well I found out he lives here too and we have been friends again for the last three months but I think something is wrong with him" softly.

She thought about it before replying "Ian I know you love having him back in your life but remember you both had a messy break up, it will take him time to move past that" softly as she looked at him. Ian disagreed with her replying "I know but he has moved past it, I know him, he wouldn't be around me everyday if he wasn't past it, its something else" firmly. There was a silence before Ian stood up adding "I shouldn't have said anything, I know you are busy" quickly.

She stopped him with her hand on his arm replying "I have an hour until my next client, this is free of charge, just a talk between client/friend and I am concerned about you too, I know you are worried about something" firmly as she looked at up at him. Ian looked down at her sighing before he replied "I didn't say anything because its not my story to tell but Mickey was raped and I was forced to watch" in a whisper as he looked at the floor.

She heard it replying "we need to talk about that but its likely that its still bothering Mickey, tell me what happened" curiously. Ian knew she knew everything else and hesitated before replying "it was after DFS rounded us up and left us into a group home but you know that bit, anyway Mickey invited me for a sleepover and the next morning he wouldn't let me leave for work, his father was supposed to be out of town for three days but he came back early and found us fucking in the front room of the house" as he struggled not to cry. Ian began shaking as he added "his father beat us especially Mickey and called a Russian prostitute to fuck the faggot out of him and held us at gunpoint while he was at it and then forced him to marry her when she got pregnant" and fell silent as he sat back in the chair.

Ian wiped the tears from his eyes as she responded "Ian that was not your fault nor was it Mickey's" firmly as she looked at him. Ian shook his head disagreeing replying "so why do I feel like it was, I should have said no to Mickey, Mickey let his guard down and look what happened, I'm army trained I should have done something, I could of got the gun off him, fuck I am such a coward" angrily as the memories of that day flashed in his mind. She replied "it wasn't your fault Ian, Mickey's father had all the control, if you had of done something you both could be dead, but what you both can control is how you deal with this now tell me what you think is wrong with Mickey" softly.

Ian remained silent trying to get his emotions under his control before looking at her telling her "I don't know for sure but he's withdrawn, he seems really depressed, he has nightmares, the last time he had one I was there and he woke up screaming for his dad to leave me alone, he thinks I don't know what his nightmares are about but I do and he wont talk to me and I've tried to get him to talk to me" softly. There was a pause before Ian added "he's also really self conscious now, he drinks a lot more and I think he is depressed, I don't know but I know he is having the nightmares because he looks really tired all the time" as he looked back down to the floor.

She remained silent before replying "he might be traumatized but I wont know until I talk to him, do you think he would come here" curiously. Ian laughed bitterly replying "fuck no, he barely even talks to me now so I don't think there is any way he will come in here, he doesn't like talking about things like that, he prefers to forget about it" softly. She sighed replying "its obviously bothering him but I think you should try and bring it up with him or get him to come here for your next session, I will book the extra hour and he can sit in with you if he wants to see what happens if your comfortable with that" firmly as she made the appointment in her diary. Ian hesitated replying "I'm fine with that but why do you think he will come here" curiously.

She put her book and pen on the desk beside her replying "neutral ground and he might feel more comfortable talking to a stranger" as she looked at him. Ian slightly laughed replying "more chance of the sun falling out of the sky" shaking his head at the thought of getting Mickey to come with him next time. She wasn't fazed replying "well then tell him I'm contracted by law to not discuss anything about my clients, its all completely confidential, it should be an incentive and besides if you're here he might not feel as scared about it" firmly. Ian sighed knowing she might have a point but he knew Mickey well enough to know that it wasn't going to happen.

He looked at her replying "I'll talk to him" softly. She looked at him replying "good but Ian you need to remember your own mental health, you know stress isn't good for you and your meds are working and we want that to keep going so if you feel its too much you can talk to me anytime" genuinely.

She paused before adding "I know its not good practise for a therapist and client to talk outside of sessions but I want to help you, I know how far you have come this past year and I would hate for it to come undone so keep up with your routine and whatever you are doing and I know you are up here alone so I want to be here for you as support" firmly in a sincere tone of voice. Ian slightly smiled at her replying "thanks" before he stood up and left the room feeling glad that he had someone to help him with Mickey but Ian knew he wouldn't call her.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey had been avoiding Ian all week since that nightmare he had in Ian's apartment when he slept over that night. Mickey knew he was being horrible to Ian but he just hated that Ian saw him in a state of weakness and that the rape still affected him long after it had happened.

He knew he would have to face Ian at some point but he didn't know how to explain it if Ian asked questions. And Mickey knew Ian well enough to know Ian would ask questions, he already was through text messages but Mickey ignored them and hoped Ian got the hint he was busy. Mickey was in his apartment smoking some weed and drinking some beer while watching tv after working all afternoon and evening when there was a knock on the door.

He sighed and got up to answer it and saw Ian on the other side of the door and muttered "come in" with a shake of his head. Ian walked past him and sat down as Mickey shut the door before sitting beside Ian.

There was a silence before Ian asked "why are you avoiding me" firmly. Mickey looked at him and just shrugged his shoulders replying "busy" softly. Ian hated that Mickey was becoming so distant, he noticed it at the bar but he didn't think Mickey would try to push him away. Ian thought over his therapists words replying "why are you pushing me away, is this because of the other night" curiously.

Mickey sighed and rubbed his eyes with hand replying "just drop it Ian, you've got enough fucking shit to worry about without my shit bothering you" hoping Ian would let it drop. Ian sighed shaking his head replying "well it is bothering me because you wont tell me when I know something is wrong and I cant stop thinking about it, I'm worried about you" firmly.

Mickey glared at him replying "I don't need you to so you can fucking stop, I'll be fine" firmly as he looked away from Ian and smoked his joint. Ian went to the kitchen for a glass of water to take his meds and came back and sat down when Mickey told him "you know you can leave some meds here if you want, save you having to carry them around with you" firmly as he looked at him. Ian drank his water thinking that was typical of Mickey, always thinking of Ian but when Ian was thinking of Mickey he was out of line.

Ian put the glass down and sat back looking at Mickey replying "sure I would like that and are we okay" softly. Mickey relaxed replying "we are as long as you don't ask me about that shit" firmly but with no anger in his voice. Ian took the joint of Mickey replying "I was there too, it affected me too, I couldn't help then and I want to help now, I just want you to talk to me, I want to talk about that day but I cant" softly before inhaled the joint.

Mickey sighed knowing he was right replying "look Ian I am not ready to talk about it okay, I just cant, it still feels real to me, I just" before he looked at the table in front of him not able to say anymore, he didn't even know where to start. Ian picked up on the tired tone in Mickey's voice and moved sit on his side pulling his knees up on the sofa and pulling Mickey in for another hug.

Mickey tried to push him off replying "fuck off Red will you" before slightly laughing. Ian laughed with him resting his head on Mickey's shoulder muttering "no" softly. Ian went to let him go but didn't when he felt Mickey grab his arm replying "I didn't say stop did I" as he looked at him before taking his joint back from Ian and smoking it.

There was a comfortable silence as they both were lost in thought when Mickey curiously asked "do you ever think about that day" quietly. If Ian hadn't been so close to Mickey he thought he wouldn't have heard it and replied "yeah but not so much now, I just hate that I couldn't do anything, I wish I could go back and go to work like I was supposed to, I shouldnt have let you drop your guard like that" quietly.

Ian sat back a little but still had his arm around Mickey and looked at him not able to stop the words coming out "I should have tried to get the gun off him, all I thought about was ways I could have stopped it, I could have jumped on him when his back was turned when he was beating you, I just feel like it was my fault, I could have stopped it and I didnt, I let it happen and I couldnt even look at you during it because I was just scared he was going to kill you" softly as the tears formed in his eyes.

Mickey looked at him resting his hand on Ian's thigh replying "there was nothing you could have done, he had a gun and he would have used it if you even moved, I was lucky he didn't kill you and then me, anyway it was me that wanted you to stay that morning so don't blame yourself, none of it was your fucking fault" firmly.

Ian slightly shook his head but Mickey knew Ian would still blame himself and sighed as he rubbed his hand gently on Ian's thigh adding "Ian I don't want you worrying about this, about me, I know stress can trigger an episode for you and I don't want that for you because of me and my fucked up brain and shit" softly as he looked at Ian. Ian kissed the top of Mickey's head before replying "not as fucked up as mine" softly.

Mickey leaned into Ian resting his forearm on Ian's thigh and gripping Ian's kneecap with his hand replying "your stable now so that's all that matters right and if not then we can be fucked up together right" firmly before slightly laughing as he smoked some of the joint. Ian didn't find it funny as another tense silence fell and Mickey hoped Ian would let it drop for now.

He got his wish when Ian moved to drink his glass of water and Mickey asked "thought you would be out in the bars trying to get fucking laid or something, not sitting here listening to me droning on, don't you have any friends, you've been around me everyday for the last three fucking months and been here for a whole fucking year" in a mocking tone with no heat in his voice.

Ian laughed putting the glass back on the table before sitting back to face Mickey replying "you want me to go" lightly as he grinned at him. Mickey scoffed "no I don't fucking want you to go, just thought you would have better things to do" hoping Ian didn't notice how insecure he sounded as he said the words and looked away from Ian.

Ian did notice but said nothing about it replying "the people I work with are judgemental assholes so I don't like them and don't want to be around them, would rather be around you, at least you don't look down your nose at me because I'm south side" softly.

Mickey angrily scoffed "they fucking say anything to you" firmly. Ian shook he head replying "no, they don't know I'm Southside but I think they suspect it and they have made comments about people from there, fucking classist assholes is what they are" angrily.

Mickey scoffed in agreement muttering "privileged fuckwads" not hiding the disgust in his voice. Ian looked at Mickey as he smoked the joint and watched as the smoke poured out of his nose and mouth before asking "want to shotgun that joint" grinning at Mickey.

Mickey rolled his eyes replying "sure" as he laughed and the mood in the room lightened. Mickey turned a little in his seat and inhaled the joint before leaning forward into Ian's face and blowing the smoke into Ian's mouth and Ian inhaled the smoke. Their noses were touching and Ian's eyes flickered down to Mickey's lips and he noticed Mickey slightly wet his lips when Ian looked at him asking "can I kiss you" softly. Mickey looked at him and reached behind Ian's neck and pulled him in to kiss him and Ian returned it pulling Mickey closer to him and putting his other hand on Mickey's hip.

When it started getting a bit too heated Ian stopped and looked at Mickey telling him "shit I shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry, I just missed this, I missed us" softly. Mickey slightly laughed replying "I missed it too and you can kiss me anytime you want but I have to be honest, I'm not ready for another relationship, I need to be on my own for a while" mentally kicking himself at Ian's hurt expression.

Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck looking at him adding "I have too much fucking shit in my head I need to sort out but I still want you but I just need time, I need a friend first and then we can work on us, okay" softly hoping Ian didn't pick up on the insecurity in his voice.

Ian noticed it and softly smiled at Mickey replying "sure, I'll always be here for you, you know that, I lost you once and I'm not doing it again" firmly. Mickey slightly chuckled before he threw the burnt out joint into the ashtray on the table replying "good to know" humouredly. Ian grinned at him as he went to get another glass of water and a beer and sat back down as they quietly went back to watching the tv.

Mickey noticed Ian was engrossed in the film that was playing on the television and it gave him time think about the kiss with Ian as well as other things that had been on his mind since he left south side. He wasn't lying when he said he needed a friend and not a relationship but he felt bad knowing that it had to have hurt Ian. But he also knew it wasn't fair to lie to Ian either and it wasn't fair on himself by entering into a relationship when he wasn't in the right frame of mind for it.

It didn't help that Mickey knew his behaviour had to be stressing Ian out and it was one of the reasons why he asked Ian in a round about way if he was seeing someone and it surprised him that Ian admitted that he would rather spend time with Mickey. But he knew needed to break free of the hold his father still had over him, his father still made him feel like a piece of shit that deserved to be raped. He knew if Ian found out that he thought he deserved it Ian would go crazy with anger but it was just the way Mickey felt about the whole thing and his whole way of growing up in the Milkovich house of horrors.

Mickey felt even worse that he left his supposed kid behind but he just couldn't look at the kid without remembering that horrible day and he hated the kid because of it. He tried to suck it up and get on with it but hiding that disgust just couldn't be repressed anymore. Mickey wasn't even sure if the kid was his, his father just came home one day and told him the Russian was pregnant and he was going to marry her.

His father also told Mickey that if he didn't marry her then he would torture Ian and then kill him right in front of Mickey. Mickey knew he had no choice but to marry the woman that raped him if it meant saving Ian's life. Mickey knew he would do anything for Ian but he hated that Ian never understood where he was coming from and why he went along with his father's threats.

Mickey sighed as he let his head fall back on the back of the sofa and looked at Ian noticing that he actually felt calm tonight. He actually wanted Ian to stay over, he knew it was a risk of having his cuts and scars discovered but he couldn't face another restless night with ghost of Terry haunting his dreams. He decided the risk was worth it, he just wanted one good nights sleep with no Terry looming from the dark corners of his mind coming to terrorize him in his sleep. Mickey wondered how do you escape the enemy that is your own mind and it made him wonder if that was how Ian felt sometimes.

He didn't notice Ian was looking at him until Ian hit him on the arm asking "the fucks up with you asshole, I've been trying to talk to you for the last two minutes" as he laughed at Mickey. Mickey thumped Ian on the shoulder replying "fuck you asshole, you're ruining my buzz here man" before laughing as he looked at Ian with a grin on his face.

Ian rolled his eyes smirking at Mickey before grabbing him in a headlock and pulling him forward as Mickey grabbed Ian around the waist telling Ian "get the fuck off me asshole" in between laughing at Ian. Ian grabbed Mickey leg with is other hand and pulled it towards him as Mickey struggled to get free and muttered "fucking tough guy" as he pinched him hard on the arm. 

Ian flinched retorting "ow that fucking hurts" as he laughed. Ian had Mickey sitting on top him but Mickey leaned back and pulled them onto the floor nearly hitting his head on the table. Ian landed on top of Mickey who hit his head off the floor almost shouting "ow the fuck you do that for Ian" letting Ian go to rub the back of his head with hand. They made eye contact and started laughing and Ian did move off of Mickey before Mickey asked "what time is it anyway" curiously.

Ian stood up and pulled Mickey up with him before checking his phone replying "its late, probably time for me to go, I'm working in the morning" softly. Mickey thought about it before hesitantly asking "you wanna crash here tonight, you don't got to if you don't want to" rubbing the back of his head again at the sore spot hoping Ian wouldn't notice his nervousness. Ian grinned at him replying "sure if you don't mind" softly.

Mickey softly smiled replying "you can crash in my bed, the sofa isn't comfortable" as he walked to the bedroom. Ian grinned at him but remained silent as he didn't mind sleeping on the sofa and he was just glad they were back to being friends and he liked it too. Mickey left his t-shirt and shorts on as he got into bed and Ian's silence let him know that Ian hadn't noticed the scars on his legs under his shorts.

He faced the wall hearing Ian turn off the light and crawl in behind him and settled down beside him and threw his arm over Mickey. Mickey sighed muttering "you're like a fucking octopus" slightly laughing as he kept his eyes closed. Ian laughed replying "shut up, I don't hear you complaining" pulling Mickey closer to him before they both fell asleep. It was the best nights sleep Mickey had in ages and Terry's ghost was no where to be found. It would also be the night they both knew something had changed in their newfound friendship.

* * *

 


	5. Unspoken words will be no more

Mickey was at work trying not to freak out as he looked around the crowded room. He had felt on edge all night and it made him more and more anxious as the Friday night crowd filled up the bar. He was never good around large crowds and it always freaked him out which was why he always preferred to be alone. He also felt off as he wondered why he didn't feel so low the past few days even though he still had the nightmares when he wasn't sharing a bed with Ian. He was still cutting himself but it wasn't as bad as it was before things got comfortable with Ian and they became best friends.

He just hated himself for lying to Ian and pretending that he was okay when he was really falling apart on the inside. Those walls he built up over the years had completely crumbled and the foundations of them had completely shattered. It made him wonder was he ever really as strong as he thought he was and if his father saw him as a weak pathetic piece of shit did that mean that he was always a weak pathetic piece of shit. Svetlana also saw it too and he thought if those two people along with everyone else who saw it, it must mean that they were right all along.

Mickey just didnt understand why Ian never saw him as a weak piece of shit like his father and Svetlana did all the time. Mickey thought if Ian found out how weak he really was then Ian would also see him the same way his father did and he dreaded the day Ian came to that realization. Ian made him feel safe and that unnerved him, he wasnt used to someone having that effect on him, he was used to living in fear and neglect from his father. But Ian gave him somwhere that he could feel safe and protected and he didnt like that feeling, it was unfamiliar and he hated it.

He fought with himself to repress it but at the same time he craved it, he craved Ian. He looked at his watch seeing that he still had three hours left until he was able to go home. He just felt like something bad was going to happen and he really wished Ian were here to calm him down a bit and give him some sort of distraction. He also hated that he was starting to become dependant on Ian, he always prided himself on not needing anyone.

Mickey's co-worker told him to go down to the cellar and change one of the kegs so he went down to cellar and replaced the keg before he texted Ian asking him to come down to the bar for a while. He went back upstairs thinking about the red head and how much closer they had gotten since that night that Ian slept in his bed a few weeks ago. Mickey felt like he could trust Ian again but he still had that fear that Ian would hurt him again even though Ian had a said sorry a million times and explained his reasoning for breaking up with Mickey.

But it didnt make the hurt Mickey felt go away or any easier but he couldnt deny the calming effect Ian had on him and he wasnt suprised to find he still loved Ian even though they were just friends.  Mickey felt bad for friend-zoning Ian but he needed a friend right now and Ian was the only person that Mickey wanted around. Ever since that night they had gotten more comfortable and Mickey didnt miss the hugs and the platonic I love you Ian gave him all the time.

He just shrugged it off as Ian being Ian but it was also nice to know that someone cared about him even though the same person was the one who hurt him but at least Ian felt bad about it unlike the other people who continuously hurt Mickey. Mickey was stocking the shelf under the bar when heard "you wanted to see me" above him and he knew who it was straight away as he slightly grinned to himself.

Mickey stood up to see Ian in front of him grinning at him as Mickey replied "well I needed to get you back into the game since we're in gay bar and all" teasingly with a smirk on his face not admitting he just wanted to see Ian. Ian pretended to be shocked replying "and here I thought you want to see me but you are going to pimp me out" as he slightly shook his head in disbelief.

Mickey shrugged his shoulders replying "well I used to work in that line of work and we know the line of work you used to work in so why not" with a raised eyebrow. They both started laughing before Ian asked "get me a juice" as he leaned forward on the bar resting his elbows on the bartop. Mickey poured the juice into a glass and gave it to Ian telling him "this ones on me so dont worry about it" firmly.

Ian grinned replying "thanks" before taking a drink. Mickey looked around telling him "I seen a couple of geriatric viagroids here earlier, could be up your street" running his thumb along his lip trying but failing not to laugh at Ian. Ian glared at him replying "fuck you asshole, I went with them because they gave me things, brought me room service, I told you that years ago" firmly.

Mickey shook his head laughing before replying "nah man, just messing with ya, I ruined you for them" confidently. Ian gaped at him and couldnt think of what to say before replying "think much of yourself dont you" sarcastically. Mickey wasnt fazed replying "at least I didnt need a little blue pill to get it up" humoredly. Ian quickly replied "true" as he grinned at Mickey.

Mickey glanced around and seeing no one was looking to be served he quipped "so you going to show off that body of yours later" curiously as he softly laughed. Ian shook his head as he looked down replying "no too much bad memories of that" softly not able to hide the regret and hurt in his voice. Mickey just about heard it over the music replying "shit Ian, I'm sorry, I didnt mean to be an asshole about it" firmly.

Ian knew he meant it as he looked up replying "its okay, its just you know I was manic at the time and it was a lot of drugs and things I did that I would rather forget, I never fucked any of those old dudes sober, I was always high on something and now I just want nothing to do with it" softly as Mickey put his hand on Ian's gently squeezing it.

Ian continued "when I got back on the meds after a few months I went back to the Fairytale and I hated it, the way the guys there looked at me like I was a piece of meat, I just felt so cheap and dirty because they were looking at me knowing what I did with them but I barely remember it" not hiding the sadness in his voice.

Mickey looked at him replying "thats why I hated you working there back then, I knew what those guys were about, I saw it with the way my dad and his friends treated women like sex objects" softly.

There was silence Ian shook his head and Mickey told his co-worker he was taking his break before he sat beside Ian on the other side of the bar. Ian remained silent deciding it was time to be honest and looked at Mickey softly replying "a while after that I found this place, the night I talked you wasnt the first time I had been in here, the first time I came in here I saw you but I knew you didnt want to see me so I just avoided you and used the other bar upstairs to get my drink" softly. Mickey looked at Ian whispering "shit" hating that Ian saw him and he never saw Ian.

Mickey curiously asked "why didnt you just talk to me" softly as he looked at Ian. Ian shrugged his shoulder replying "dont know, I'm a coward, it already took a while to make myself get back out again but I only ever came here to see you and think about how much I fucked up, how much I fucked everything up and lost the only good thing to ever happen to me and then you looked happy so I didnt want to ruin that" softly. Mickey put his arm around Ians shoulders pulling him in for a hug hating that Ian was always so hard on himself. Mickey was curious so asked "how long were you coming here for" softly.

Ian grimaced replying "three months, my therapist said I was just torturing myself but I didnt care, I deserved it, I tried to convince myself that breaking up with you was for the best when I saw you so happy and seeing you happy here confirmed that for me but I think I was just lying to myself" firmly before he took a drink from his glass on the bar. Mickey remained silent as he thought if only Ian knew just how miserable he had been the whole time and still was over the shit that went down.

Ian noticed that Mickey just looked concerned and not full of pity or sympathy and it was something he missed as he slightly laughed. Mickey asked "what" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "I just realized that you never looked at me pitifully like my family did or tried to avoid me, I wish I had of listened to you when you said you didnt care about my disorder, I just hated myself so much that I thought everyone else should and did too" firmly.

Ian paused before adding "I just thought it was for the best but I know now that it wasnt, dumping you was the biggest mistake I ever made, you were the only person on my side and I destroyed that and I'm sorry for it and I just wish I could take it all back, I just wish I could have fixed it" softly.

Mickey hugged Ian again and kissed the top of his forehead before replying "I'm still on your side, I always was no matter how pissed off I was at you, you should have come up to me three months ago but you cant change it Ian, what matters is now, and you have fixed it so we start again okay" firmly. Ian shook his head in agreement replying "yeah" firmly with a soft smile.

Mickey had to get back to work so he stood up asking "you want to stay, I finish in a few hours and we can get food on the way home" curiously. Ian shook his head not wanting to go home replying "yeah I'll stay" firmly. Mickey got Ian another drink and gave it him before he got back to work.

Two hours later Mickey was just finished his shift when he saw Ian at the bar talking to some blonde guy in his twenties and it amused Mickey that Blondie didn't get the hint that Ian wasn't interested. Mickey found it even funnier that Ian just looked uncomfortable and was surprised to see that the confidence he saw Ian have a few years ago seemed to have disappeared.

Mickey felt like he was seeing the real Ian in front of him and he wondered if the year apart from each other had given them the time to mature and grow up a bit. Mickey decided to put Ian out of his misery as he walked around the bar and stood beside Ian putting his arm around him asking "you ready to go" as he looked at Ian and ignored the blonde guy.

The blonde guy asked "this your boyfriend" as he looked at Ian and Mickey. Ian looked over at him replying "yeah I told you he was" firmly before he kissed Mickey on the lips and then looked at the blonde guy hoping he got the hint. The blonde guy didnt hide how insulted he was at Ian turning him down.

Mickey cracked his knuckles and glared at the blonde guy with a raised eyebrow silently telling the guy to fuck off when the guy told them "whatever" before walking away. Mickey and Ian watched him walk away when Mickey quipped "think he got the hint" as he slightly laughed.

Ian looked at Mickey replying "if that and the cracked knuckles didnt work, then I dont know what the fuck will" before he started laughing. Mickey asked "why didnt you tell me he was bothering you" curiously.

Ian replied "he was entertaining and it made the time go quicker too" as he shrugged his shoulders and Mickey just let out a snort of laughter at Ian's reasoning. Ian stood up throwing his arm around Mickey's shoulders asking "can we get the fuck out of here" as he looked at his friend.

Mickey laughed replying "yeah lead the way" putting his arm around Ian's waist resting his hand on Ian's lower back pulling Ian closer to him as they left the bar and got food before going to Mickey's apartment.

 

* * *

 

Ian decided he needed to talk to Mickey about what he discussed with his therapist. He had been putting it off for weeks and it was just making him worry about his friend even more. Ian decided he would talk to Mickey when Mickey came over as he wanted to give Mickey the chance to leave if the conversation didnt go over weill with Mickey. Ian was sitting on his sofa when Mickey let himself into the apartment with the spare key that Ian gave to Mickey a few weeks ago.

Ian gave him the spare key so Mickey could get in to help him if he crashed on the meds and had another low episode. Ian didnt trust anyone else except Mickey which was why he never bothered giving someone a key to help him when needed. Ian also didnt want anyone else around and he never spoke to his neighbours in the apartment complex and he preferred to keep it that way.

He had Mickey back in his life and that was all he needed and he didnt care if it was healthy or not. The only friends he ever really had apart from Mickey were his brother Lip and Mandy and that that was it. But he only had Mickey since the other two had left, left town and left him which he hated. Ian was surprised when Mickey gave him a spare key to his own apartment under the guise of he was too lazy to answer the door when Ian would arrive in the middle of Mickey sitting comfortably on the sofa with some beer and weed and watching a movie on the television.

They both knew it was more than that, that it was trust from both sides and that they had accepted each other back in their lives. Mickey sat beside Ian who was putting on a dvd for them to watch and Ian waited for the movie to be over before he would talk to Mickey. When the end credits rolled Ian looked at Mickey asking "can I talk to you about something" softly.

Mickey lit up a cigarette replying "sure" firmly. Mickey sat back on the sofa when Ian asked "do you still have those nightmares" curiously. Mickey groaned letting his eyes fall closed replying "it doesnt matter if I do or not, I always did, I dont want to talk about this Ian" softly. Ian looked off to the side replying "I know but you have to someday, if not to me then someone else" softly.

Mickey glared at him retorting "you mean a fucking shrink, I dont need a fucking shrink, I was fucking raped Ian, its not even rape in my dad's eyes so I dont need someone to tell me how the fuck to feel" icily.

Ian mentally cursed himself for bringing it up but he knew he would get this reaction. Ian replied "you can come with me to see my therapist, she would help" softly. Mickey sat up still glaring at Ian "youve been fucking talking about me behind my fucking back, what the fuck Ian" angrily. Ian faltered before replying "its not like that, I just talked about my part of that day, thats all I said, I swear I didnt say anything else" as he looked at Mickey regretting ever saying anything.

Mickey angrily stood up wishing he could have a beer but he knew Ian didnt keep beer in his apartment so he settled for another cigarette retorting "its none of her fucking business Ian, If you want to talk about that day thats fine but I dont, what does she want me to say" icily.

Ian hesitated replying "I just said you have nightmares, she said you might have post traumatic stress disorder because of the rape" softly as he looked at Mickey. Mickey scoffed retorting "post traumatic, what the fuck is that, sounds like some made up bull shit, I was raped Ian, I've dealt with it and moved on okay, I'm fucking fine" icily.

Ian sighed knowing Mickey was in complete denial and he wondered was this how everyone felt when he was first diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and in denial about having to take his meds. Ian sighed replying "I just want to help you, my appointment is next week, you can even come in with me on my one and see what happens before you decide if you want to talk to her and I can even stay with you after it if you decide to talk to her" softly.

Mickey felt the anger rise as he grew more defensive replying "I dont want to talk to anyone Ian, who the fuck knows who she will tell, she could say it to someone who knows my dad" running his hand through his hair at the thought of his father finding out. Ian hated that Mickey was still so scared of his father even though his father was in jail.

Mickey continued "if it gets back to him it will make shit worse, he already thinks I'm a piece of shit for being gay, imagine what he will do if he finds out I abandoned Svetlana and the kid that may not even be mine because I cant stand to look at it without being reminded of that day, I've done what a Milkovich should never do, to him I'm a fucking coward for leaving and he will fucking kill me this time for it, he doesnt care that he took everything from me once I live up to the Milkovich name which I dont, I am everything he despises" angrily.

There was tension in the room as Ian sighed in defeat replying "its okay, you dont have to, I wasnt trying to push you into it but by law she cant discuss anything about her clients with anyone, some confidentiality shit" softly. Mickey looked at Ian as he replied "look Ian I just need some space, you caught me off guard, I'm just going to home okay, I need to be alone right now" firmly.

Mickey visibly looked guilty at Ian's hurt expressions adding "I'm not mad at you for talking about it, I'm not mad at you at all, I'm not leaving you but I just need some space for a few days" softly. Ian felt that fear of Mickey leaving him for good rising in his chest as he asked "we still okay" hesitantly.

Mickey picked up on what Ian meant and hated that he made Ian feel so insecure so told Ian "of course we are, I'm just freaked out, I just need to think and I have work later so I will call you when I'm ready" firmly. Ian nodded his head replying "okay" softly before Mickey turned and left his apartment.

When the door closed Ian looked at the television muttering "good job Ian you fucking asshole" angrily as he changed the tv channels wondering why he always fucked everything up even when he was just trying to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Mickey and Ian are out character from how they are in show but then this is AU so maybe it doesn't matter. I am struggling a bit with portraying Ian which is why I think he is out of character. And I am trying to portray Mickey as he was in late S4 and S5, he was more open to talking to Ian and that is who I am writing him as, but its only Ian he is this open to talking with. I always got the sense that Mickey talked a lot more openly to Ian when they were alone even though we never got to see it onscreen. Its hard to write for characters that got fuck all screen time so for the fanfic writers that can write them really well, I really respect your fucking talent and I mean that. I am just feeling insecure about my writing. Fuck my life, it just feels I am useless with everything, something my therapist wont stop asking me questions about because I don't know why I am like that. Anyway thanks for reading my chapter.


	6. Like a stone I'm falling down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I decided to post a day early, I plan to update every Thursday but just thought I would put this up now since its all ready to go since yesterday.
> 
> Also warning for self harm triggers.

Mickey hadn't spoken to Ian in three days and he respected that Ian also gave him his space to have some time to think about things. Mickey hated that his self inflicted avoidance of Ian had backfired and just made him miss his favourite red head even more than he thought he would. When he left Ian's that night he bought a few bottles of vodka and called into work sick deciding to get drunk and high to take his mind of the pile of shit in his head.

The plan to forget everything and drink until he felt numb didnt work, it just made him feel everything even more and made him feel lower than he had ever felt in his whole life. He was afraid to go to sleep knowing that the nightmares would come back so decided to drink until he passed out.

The second night he was so tired all he wanted to do was sleep but it was no use as the nightmares returned and the ghost of Terry terrorized his dreams forcing him to wake up screaming for Ian in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. He ran to bathroom shaking violently as he reached for the razor blade and cut deeply into his arm not caring that his arms were meant to be off limits, he knew he could just wear a long sleeved shirt.

He threw the blade into the sink shouting "fuck" before collapsing the ground with violent tears and sobs hating that he was reduced to this wondering why his father hated him so much. Why did life have to shit on him repeatedly, was there some masterplan in the universe to make him suffer his whole time in his existance on the planet.

When he finally stopped crying and shaking he pulled himself up off the floor and back into his bed leaving the light on knowing sleep would not come at all. This nightmare was the worst one so far and all he wanted was Ian but when he looked at the clock and saw it was 4am he knew Ian would be asleep and he didnt want to wake him up with his trivial problems. Mickey lay there staring blankly at the wall wondering would this nightmare ever end but he also knew well enough to know it probably wouldnt ever end.

It never did for people like him so he lay there replaying the nightmare over in his head. When he looked at he clock again he saw it was 10 am and decided he would go into work today. He was on the afternoon/evening shift today and the distraction was what he needed and he really didnt want to be alone right now and he knew Ian was working too. He got up and got showered and dressed and looked at his phone to see some missed calls and a blank text message from an unknown number.

He knew it wasnt Ian calling him so ignored it thinking it was just a wrong number and went about his day before going to work in the afternoon.

 

* * *

 

 

He was near the end of his shift when his phone rang and recognizing the number he answered it "Iggy what the fuck do you want" firmly but with no anger in his voice. Iggy laughed replying "fuck you asshole, just wondering if you heard anything suspicious" evasively.

Mickey had no time for it retorting "fucking spit it out will you" icily feeling that sick feeling again that he felt days ago. Iggy paused replying "think dad might be getting out or is working on it" firmly. Mickey angrily shouted "what the fuck" as he moved to a room at the back of the bar to continue the conversation in private. Iggy replied "I just heard a rumor, I've been getting weird phone calls, think someone is messing with me, I dont know" doubtfully.

There was a tense silence as Mickey made the connection but just said "I've been getting missed calls from a fucking unknown number or wrong numbers, shit like that, you really think he's trying to fucking mess with us" curiously. Iggy shrugged knowing Mickey couldnt see it replying "probably, you know how fucked in the head he is" firmly. Mickey looked behind him asking "no one knows where I am do they" curiously.

Iggy told him "no and I havent said anything to anyone" firmly. There was another silence and Mickey was freaking out when Iggy told him "look dont panic yet, I will find out more and let you know, he could just be messing with us, trying to freak us out, you know he's pulled that shit before" firmly. Mickey nodded knowing just how manipulative and sadistic their father was replying "yeah, just get back to me yeah" as he pulled at his lip with his fingers.

Iggy replied "I got your back so dont worry, but it might be a good idea to destroy your phone and get a new one and new number just in case, so do that and get back to me in three days, just give me three days and I'll have something" before disconnecting the call. Mickey put the phone in his pocket and finished his shit trying not freak out and lose his shit all over the bar and lose his job.

 

* * *

 

 

When his shift was over he went to another pub around the corner and got as drunk as he could while imagining all the scenarios of Terry coming to find him and kill him and Ian too. Mickey left the bar and went into the alleyway at the side and sent Ian a message to meet him at his apartment straight away. He went and got a new phone before going back to his apartment. When he got there Ian was waiting for him on the sofa and Mickey shut the door behind him as Ian asked "what is it" curiously.

Mickey took the new phone out of his pocket and tranferred the important numbers he had to his new phone before breaking the old phone and cutting the card in half. He did it all so silently that it was freaking Ian out who asked "whats going on" curiously trying to hide the fear in his voice. Mickey grabbed a beer before pacing in front of Ian replying "just heard from Iggy, think my dad might be getting out, think he is trying to get to me" trying but failing to panic.

Ian froze replying "what, how do you know" in shock and dreading the thought of Terry finding them again. Mickey sat beside Ian replying "Iggy called me, said he's been getting weird phone calls and so have I, I thought it was a wrong number but its not a coincidence and I think he is trying to fuck with us before he gets out, he wants vengeance and he is going to fucking have it" fimrly as he stared at the blank television screen in front of him. Ian whispered "fuck" but they both heard it and heard the fear in his voice.

There was a silence before Mickey snapped "fuck, if he finds out I abandoned Svetlana and the kid he will fucking kill me" as he resumed his pacing in front of Ian drinking his beer as fast as he could. Mickey ran a hand through his hair muttering "fuck he probably already knows" angrily as he felt the panic rise in his chest again and that feeling like he couldnt breathe anymore was back too.

Mickey hated that his father had this much control over him adding "I hope to fuck he gets shanked in prision before he gets out" angrily. Ian stood in front of Mickey grabbing his shoulders asking "what did Iggy say, does he know anything" looking straight at Mickey. Mickey struggled to breathe as he blinked at Ian before replying "said he would look into it, he isnt sure, just has his suspicions and is looking into it, I have to call him in three days" not hiding the panic and fear in his voice.

Mickey really hated that Ian was seeing his meltdown and that voice in his head was calling him weak and pathetic again for letting Ian see him like this. He felt he was losing control of his own sanity but for some reason Ian was helping to anchor him and it was the only reason he wasnt telling Ian to leave even though he really wanted Ian to leave. He tried to remain as closed off to Ian as possible but ever since they became friends again he just couldnt do it.

He felt bad for being so closed off to Ian in the early days of their relationship that he didnt want to do it now. He also hated that Ian had this ability to see right through him and he knew that Ian was would be able to see right through his lie if he told Ian he was fine. Ian looked at him replying "so we wait until Iggy tells you in three days" firmly.

Mickey stepped away from Ian snapping "I can't fucking wait that long" angrily as he felt more homicidal by the second. Ian replied "he cant find us here" firmly. Mickey bitterly laughed replying "yes he fucking can, you dont know the contacts he has, anyone could have seen me here and it got back to him" as he looked at Ian. Mickey yelled "fuck" angrily before going to the kitchen for the bottle of vodka and drank straight from it.

Mickey really hated his father, hated that he took everything from him, his childhood and Ian along with any chance of a life where he didnt live in constanst fear for survival. Ian didnt know what to do, he felt completely helpless since his friend was completely losing it and he didnt know how to help. He was also completely freaking out at the thought of Terry getting out of prison and deciding to hunt down himself and Mickey to kill them for good this time.

Ian sat back on the sofa biting his nails silently watching Mickey who just paced in front of him trying to drink as much vodka he could in go. Ian wished he could do the same but he wasnt willing to risk it on his meds since he just got stable and an asshole like Terry wasnt worth another episode. Ian just asked "got any weed" softly as he looked at the ground. Mickey laughed to ease the tension he felt as he went and got the weed before sitting beside Ian.

Mickey lit up a joint and smoked it before handing it to Ian telling him "should have known it was too fucking good to be true" as he tried to relax. They shared the joint as Ian replied "I hope he isnt getting out, but I can take him if he does, I'm in just as good in shape as I was before the army shit went down if not better, he caught us off gaurd that day but it wont happen now, we'll be ready for him this time" not feeling as confident as he sounded.

Mickey looked at him silently before replying "whatever tough guy" as he started laughing. Ian laughed with him muttering "fucking Milkoviches" as he took the joint of Mickey. Mickey retorted "fuck you Gallagher, your lot arent a fucking picnic either" with no anger in his voice as he looked at Ian with an amused expression. Ian laughed replying "true" shrugging his shoulders.

They finished off the joint in silence before Ian asked "think we will have to go back" curiously. Mickey raised his eyebrow alightly shaking his head crushing the burnt out joint in the ashtray on the table replying "dont know, might be better if I do, face him on neutral ground and all" firmly.

Mickey sat back on the sofa looking at Ian telling him "you dont have to come with me though, I know you left for good reasons and dont want to see your family again" firmly. Ian glared ahead of him before looking at Mickey replying "I want to go with you if you have to go, I wont let you face your father on your own" not adding that he thought Mickey was his family even though it took him over a year to realize that point.

Mickey slightly laughed but said nothing as he felt glad that if he had to go back then he wouldnt have to go back on his own. He hated to admit it but he felt much braver knowing he would have Ian as back up. Mickey hit Ian on the arm as he looked at him asking "you still got those ninja moves you learned in the army" before laughing.

Ian looked over at him replying "only one way to find out" before grabbing Mickey in a headlock which resulted in a wrestling match on the sofa. Ian still had the ninja moves although they were a little rusty.

 

* * *

 

 

It would be four days when Mickey decided to call Iggy. He wanted to give his brother a little more time so when he got home from work he called Iggy. He was also scared of his brother telling him his father was getting out of prision and Mickey needed to build up the courage to call his brother. Mickey was in his apartment pacing the floor when called his brother.

Iggy answered but never got a chance to say anything since Mickey asked "tell me he isnt getting out" firmly as he bit one of his nails feeling tension all over his body. Iggy sighed replying "I dont think he will because he has too many prision sentences that will probably keep him in there" firmly. Mickey glanced around the room feeling walls moving closer and he was struggling to breathe. There was a silence before Iggy asked "you still fucking there" firmly.

Mickey shook his head knowing there was something more before snapping "cut the fucking shit, tell if he is getting out" angrily. Iggy sighed replying "as far as I know he is getting out in four weeks, may call in some favors" firmly as he thought of a way to keep his father in jail. There was a tense silence before Iggy added "I dont want him out either" firmly.

Mickey couldnt breathe anymore and felt his whole world cave in as he asked "does he know that I left and I dont have anything to do with Svetlana anymore" cuatiously. Iggy stayed quiet before saying "gotta be honest with you but he called me yesterday so I think does know" firmly.

Mickey yelled "fuck" but it came out more as a whisper. Iggy continued "he asked about you and the kid, wanted to know if you were still hanging around that faggot, his words not mine, you know I got no problem with you and Ian but I think dad was testing me but I just said you were still around and left it at that but I dont think he believed me" firmly. Mickey blurted out "Ian is with me up here, shit if dad fucking finds him we're both dead" softly.

Iggy laughed replying "yeah, you back together, you were good before it went to shit" not hiding the humour in his voice. Mickey rolled his eyes at his brother replying "we're just friends thats all" firmly. Iggy laughed again replying "sure you are" humoredly. Mickey shook his head in disbelief "not the fucking point, get back to the matter at hand yeah" icily, he didnt want to talk about his relatonship with Ian right now.

Iggy cleared his throat replying "just let me handle it, I've got four weeks to do something, I got your back and Ian's too" firmly. Mickey believed him as Iggy added "he will go ape shit when he finds out Mandy is gone and that no one is running his illegal activites anymore" before laughing. Mickey laughed too but he felt uncomfortable as he replied "yeah well its not like we ever fucking wanted in that shit you know" firmly.

Iggy knew what Mickey was hinting at replying "well at least we're fucking out of it but I dont want to go back into that and I know you dont now that your legit and all" firmly. There was another silence before Mickey said "look I gotta go" softly. Iggy replied "yeah me too but I will deal with it so you dont need to come back and I will call you when something is done about it and I know what I need to do" firmly.

Mickey replied "good" firmly. Iggy added "Ian is safer up there with you so make sure to tell him" firmly. Mickey shook his head replying "yeah I know and I will, see you" before hanging up not wanting to talk anymore. Mickey trusted his brother and Mickey knew he would do what needed to be done to get rid of their father, he just hoped it worked. After the call Mickey sat at the table drinking a bottle of whiskey wishing he could stop shaking.

Just when he thought he was finally away from his father for good he finds out that his piece of shit father is getting released from jail. It was bad enough that he was under threat from his father but now Ian was under the same threat and that was just a million times worse. It was times like this he wished he never got involved with Ian because all he seemed to do was bring danger onto Ian and he loved Ian too much to put him through that danger.

Mickey knew if he was any good he would just cut his losses with Ian but he wanted Ian more and he was done letting his father control his life. Mickey knew he had come too far to let his father force him back into a closet he had no intention of returning to now that he knew what it was like to be free of that closet. But in some ways Mickey still felt caged in that prision that his father made sure to keep him all those years.

Mickey thought of all the nightmares he had of his father finding him and Ian and killing both them and he hated that those nightmares had the possibility to come true in the next few months. Mickey keep drinking as he thought maybe he and Ian should just leave Chicago and go somewhere else but he knew his father would never rest until he tracked them down.

Mickey also didn't want to subject Ian to a life on the run now that he was stable and got his bi-polar disorder under control. Mickey decided to drink until he passed out and when he got a text from Ian on his phone he ignored it as he just wanted to be alone right now. He just wanted to feel numb but all he felt was the panic rise in his chest and he couldnt breathe as the images of his father killing both him and Ian never left his mind.

Mickey realized his face was all wet and couldnt stop the tears as he grabbed a knife ran to the bathroom and cut over the wounds he made on his arms a few days ago hating that his father made him resort to this emptyness he felt inside. After half an hour when he calmed down a bit and the tears stopped Mickey noticed the bleeding wouldnt stop and it was a new sense of panic he felt.

Six months ago it wouldnt have bothered him to bleed to death on the floor but he didnt want Ian to see him like this, he only got Ian back and now he was going to bleed to death on the floor of his bathroom. Mickey grabbed another towel and held it to his wrist slightly laughing at the irony of the situation as he sat on the bathroom floor hoping the bleeding would stop soon but he wasnt so sure of it.

Mickey was so caught up in his ordeal he never heard Ian enter the apartment and walking straight for the bathroom untill he heard "shit Mickey, the fuck did you do" as he froze in the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, so that happened, sorry.


	7. All that I see drives me to this agony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this chapter written quickly so thought I would update as opposed to waiting until Thursday, there will be another chapter on Thursday too. And there seems to be some plot now so there will be more chapters, I have an outline so I don't know how long it will be.
> 
> And for some reason its not uploading right, hope you get to read it.

Ian had sent Mickey a text asking could he come over just as he finished his shift at work. When he got no reply he decided to go straight over to Mickey's apartment to find out what was happening with threat of Terry getting out of jail. Ian let himself into Mickey's apartment noticing the bottle of whiskey and a phone on the kitchen table after he shut the door behind him. He was about to call for Mickey when heard "fuck" from the bathroom.

Ian walked straight for where the voice came from and couldnt believe what he saw in front of him and he never thought it was this bad. He really hated that Mickey was sitting on the floor looking so helpless and lost as he tried to stop the bleeing on his wrist with a towel. Ian also noticed the blood covered knife on the floor beside him as he whispered "shit Mickey, the fuck did you do" as he took in the sight in front of him.

Mickey looked up hating that Ian was in front him right now telling him "go away Ian, you dont need to see this shit" defensively. Mickey wished Ian would just go away, he didnt want Ian looking at him out of pity and he also didnt need his help either but most of all he just wanted Ian to get away from him incase his father found them again. Ian moved into the bathroom and knelt down in front of Mickey replying "fuck you, I'm not leaving" angrily.

Mickey moved to sit up a bit straighter replying "no you dont get it, you need to get the fuck out of here" as he glared at Ian. Ian shook his head replying "no I wont so tell me what the fuck is wrong, what did Iggy say" firmly as he grabbed the towel on Mickey's wrist. As Ian looked at the cut Mickey told him "my dad is getting out in four weeks but Iggy says he's working on making sure he doesnt get out" softly as he looked at Ian.

Ian looked up as Mickey told him "he's going to kill me this time, I think he knows I left Svetlana and the kid and if he knows that then he knows that your here too and he will fucking kill you and make me watch before he kills me" as he started to hyperventilate and struggle to breathe. Ian grabbed Mickey shoulders before replying "just breathe, your having a panic attack" softly.

Mickey laughed but it was a distressed laugh as he looked at Ian replying "can you fucking blame me, my dad had me fucking raped at gunpoint and is getting out of jail and I'm the first thing on his list of problems that need to be taken care of and I mean he will fucking kill me Ian, not just for being with you but also for fucking abandoning Svetlana and the kid" before he laughed hysterically. Ian looked at Mickey in a mix of shock and confusion, he didnt see anything funny about the situation at all but something also told him Mickey was reaching his breaking point over the whole situation.

Mickey kept laughing looking at the ceiling adding "that really fucking done it Ian, if I was lucky which I'm fucking not, when he finds out maybe he will have a fucking heart attack" hysterically. Ian wouldnt be suprised if Mickey was having a nervous breakdown and was hitting rock bottom at the same time. Ian decided to stand up grabbing Mickey arms telling him "you need to stand up, come on we need to clean this cut" as he helped Mickey stand up after he finished laughing.

When they were both standing Ian led Mickey to the sink and wet the towel under the tap to clean the cut when Mickey muttered "I dont care anymore Ian, I'm fucked, I might have had some chance knowing he was in jail but not anymore" as he looked at Ian.

Ian stopped dabbing the cut with the wet towel as he looked at Mickey replying "I thought like that a year ago, I thought having bi-polar meant I was fucked for life and in some way I am because I cant be in the army like I wanted, it was all I wanted and the bi-polar took it away from me and because of that I thought my life was over, thought I would never be able to have a life, do other things that other people get to do" softly.

Mickey sensed Ian wasnt finished as he watched Ian fall silent before he continued "I thought it defined me but it took me losing you to make me realise that it doesnt define me and that while it took away some things it also gave me other things and the only person holding me back is me because I let my being bi-polar run the show and dictate my life while its really just a part of who I am, part of my fucked up brain that makes me who I am" softly as he slightly smiled at Mickey. Mickey didnt miss what Ian was getting at but still asked "your point" softly as he watched Ian continue to clean up the mess of a cut he did on his arm that was just about still bleeding.

Ian dried the Mickey arm with a dry towel before getting bandage from the press above the sink and put it over the cut. When he was finished he looked at Mickey replying "your dad doesnt get to decide if your fucked for life or not, he may have taken everything from you especially the day he caught us but it doesnt matter what he does because I will never leave you and I know you heard that before but I mean it" softly.

Mickey looked down hiding his grin as he bit his lip before looking up at Ian replying "I believe you for some reason, still wont stop him trying to fucking kill me" before slightly laughing. Ian laughed replying "yeah well he will have to get through me first" firmly and for some strange reason Mickey actually believed Ian. There was a comfortable silence before Ian asked "you really think he will come for us and put in the effort to find us" curiously.

Mickey walked out of the bathroom needing a drink and went to the fridge for a beer amd Ian sat on the sofa waiting for Mickey to come back with a beer and a glass of juice. Mickey handed it to Ian as he sat down before replying "he uh, he killed someone before in a gay bashing when I was younger, no reason why he wouldnt do it again" before taking a drink from the bottle.

Ian couldnt believe what he just heard, he heard rumours but he didnt think Terry went to full blown murder. Although Ian wasnt really suprised considering Terry had his own gay son raped at gunpoint and forced into a marrage. Something clicked for Ian who asked "is that why you were so cagey when we first started" curiously as he looked at Mickey. Mickey looked at Ian telling him "yeah but I also was trying to protect you, I knew what my dad would fucking do if he found out, I didnt want him to kill you like he did to that kid years ago" softly.

Ian softly smiled replying "is that you saying you cared about me" as he looked at Mickey. Mickey raised his eyebrow at Ian telling "dont fucking push it Gallagher" firmly with no anger in his voice before they both laughed. Ian felt a wave of guilt hit him as he looked at Mickey telling him "I'm sorry I forced you to come out" softly.

Mickey looked over at Ian replying "no look I get where you were coming from, and even though I didnt see it at the time and even though I felt pushed into it I know now that I had to make a choice, you or the closet and being afraid of my father, I chose you and I dont regret it, I meant it when I said you make me free, I just wish all that shit with my dad never happened so dont feel bad about it" firmly.

Ian shook his head accepting the explanation and tried not to still feel so guilty for manipulating Mickey into coming out. He was broken from his thoughts when Mickey added "and I'm sorry for kicking the shit out of you that day, it was inexcusable" firmly. Ian looked over at him replying "apology accepted" softly.

A comfortable silence fell and they drank silently for a few minutes lost in their own thoughts before Mickey turned on the television and flicked through the channels before settling on an eighties action movie. Ian asked "what is Iggy going to do" curiously. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand tiredly replying "fuck knows, just said to lay low and that he knows a guy that owes him a favor and its time to collect" firmly.

Ian looked at him replying "sounds weird" softly. Mickey laughed replying "that's Iggy for you, keeps the cards close to his fucking chest so when shit goes down no one else goes down with him, true Milkovich to the fucking end" shaking his head as he slightly laughed and put the bottle on the table in front of him. Ian slightly laughed asking "you think he will find us here" curiously.

Mickey knew who Ian meant as he sat back on the sofa and moved sidwards to face Ian replying "no one else knows where I live even Iggy, Iggy knows I'm in north side but I didnt say where just to be safe because as you know he has a big mouth when he is high so I didnt tell him but it doesnt mean someone my dad knows hasnt seen me and didnt tell him, I'm just hoping he doesnt find out" firmly. Ian looked off to the side replying "maybe we should just run, move somewhere else" softly.

Mickey inwardly groaned as he already thought of this replying "no Ian, you just got stable and I'm not fucking going to do that to you" firmly as he looked at Ian. Ian glared at him replying "its my fucking choice, its stay to get killed or we leave" firmly. Mickey laughed shaking his head replying "I already thought of that but it wont work, he will just track us down, he once tracked down a guy who fucked him over on gun deal years ago and nearly killed the guy for short changing him of a few thousand dollars, no reason why he wont do the same thing with me" angrily.

There was a silence before Mickey added "and maybe I dont fucking want to leave, why should I, I like it here, I have a good job that wont land me in jail and I have you, the fuck else do I need" firmly instantly regretting letting that bit of information out. Ian ignored the warm feeling in his stomach biting down on his lip to stop from grinning before he asked "so what are you saying then, you care about me" humouredly.

Mickey glared at him retorting "shut the fuck up and watch the damn movie" with no anger in his voice as he waved at the tv. Ian softly laughed shaking his head in disbelief as he wondered what the fuck they were going to do. When the movie was over Mickey sighed in frustraiton blurting out "I think we should go back" firmly.

All through the movie all Mickey could think about was what would happen when his father caught up to him and he didnt want his father finding out where he and Ian lived. Mickey decided the best option was to go back to south side and face his father and help Iggy do what needed to be done to keep his father in jail. Mickey figured it was better that way, he could confront his father and then leave south side and never have to deal with his father again.

Mickey thought he would rather face his father on familar ground that have to deal with his father up in the north side where he was finally free of all that illegal shit in south side. Ian glared at him retorting "what the fuck, are you serious, are you trying to get fucking killed" angrily.

Mickey sighed and rubbed his eyes in frustration with his hand replying "I'm just trying to keep both our asses alive" tiredly. Ian scoffed retorting "yeah and how the fuck is getting sucked back in with Terry's shit going to do that, let Iggy handle it for now" firmly as he glared at his friend. Mickey sighed again as he grabbed Ian's empty glass before he got up for another bottle of beer as Ian shouted over that he wanted water.

He sat back down and drank from the bottle before handing the glass of water to Ian who took off him as Mickey told him "yeah your right, let Iggy handle it" tiredly as he looked at Ian.

They drank in comfortable silence enjoying each others company for a while before Ian elbowed Mickey in the ribs telling him "lets go out, forget all this shit for now, I just want to forget everything for a while" as he looked at his friend.

Mickey sighed knowing he didnt want to go anywhere right now but the way Ian was looking at he decided to go with it. Mickey thought about it before replying "sure lets go, and not to my work place, some other place and not the fucking Fairytale" as he looked at Ian who grinned at him. Ian laughed at him as he stood up telling him "I know the perfect place" as he pulled his friend off the sofa and out the door.

 

* * *

 

Hours later the came back into the apartment after going to a quiet bar that Ian knew as a place where he would left alone.

They played pool in a side room that was beside the bar and since it was quiet they had the whole room to themselves only leaving it to get more drinks from the bar in the other room. Ian went to get a glass of water as Mickey quietly watched Ian from where he was sitting on the sofa. For the first time in a long time Mickey found that he felt genuinely happy despite his father getting out jail soon.

Mickey was suprised he had been flirting all night with Ian and Ian with him but he was also more suprised that he didnt want to be friends with Ian anymore. Mickey found he regretted ever telling Ian he just wanted to be friends after that night that Ian kissed him and he knew he was an idiot for saying it to Ian.

But he also knew it wasnt the beer talking since he wasnt drunk but lately he had been thinking about Ian a lot more than a friend should and he wanted Ian back completely like they were before it all went to shit that day over a year ago.

He had done a complete u-turn on his words and he didnt care, he knew what he wanted and that was all that mattered. He silently watched as Ian turned to lean against the sink as he drank from his glass. Ian turned around to lean again the sink to see Mickey silently watching him from where he was sitting on the sofa. Ian was suprised they had flirted all night and he wanted Mickey back, he didnt care about the friend thing anymore, he loved Mickey and wanted to tell him but he also knew Mickey needed to make the second move since he made the first one.

He was broken from his thoughts when he realized Mickey was standing front of him taking the glass of water out of his hand and putting it in the sink behind him before resting his hands on Ian's hips as he stared straight at him. Ian faltered under the stare seeing Mickey's eyes glance at his lips before Mickey decided to go for the kill and kiss Ian. It grew heated and Mickey thought that he really missed this a lot more then he thought he did. He didnt know that Ian was thinking the exactly same thing and they made out for a while before going to bed.

 

* * *

 

 

The next morning Ian woke up feeling movment in his hair and opened his eyes to see Mickey combing his hand through his hair as he looked at him silently with unreadable expression. Ian silently looked at him before blurting out "I want you back" before silently cursing himself for being so impatient.

Mickey laughed replying "yeah I do too but I'm happy with the way things are now" softly. Ian faltered as he looked down replying "I know, I'm sorry I just thought last night changed things" unable to hide the hurt in his voice. Mickey sighed hating that he seemed to keep hurting Ian replying "no I'm sorry, I wasnt leading you on last night, I wanted it and I wouldnt have done it if I didnt" not adding that he was still scared Ian would decide he wanted something different if they got back together. Ian seemed to pick up on it replying "I know what I want and I want you, I'm not making the same mistake again" firmly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian reading his expression for any insecerity but found none so replied "I know, I believe you but I just want to take it slow, I like where we are now and I do want you back but I like this being friends thing, I never had it before" shyly. Ian sighed replying "we can do that, I like being friends too" softly as he pulled Mickey closer to him and wrapped his arms around him.

There was a comfortable silence before Ian asked "you working today" curiously. Mickey looked at him replying "no, you" softly as he let his eyes close and pulled himself closer against Ian enjoying the warmth. Ian replied "no so we can stay here all day" firmly. Mickey laughed replying "thats a good fucking plan" softly.

There was another silence before Mickey looked at him telling him "thanks for last night and for not bailing on me" softly not wanting add and for helping me forget about my shit for while. Ian picked up on what Mickey really meant and softly smiled replying "anytime" softly before they both fell back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they are back together now. I hope its not too quick and feels natural, it did when I was writing it.
> 
> Also really hate that there is so few updates now. I miss the days where there would be loads of updates in one day, I couldn't fucking keep up with them there were so many of them.


	8. I'm so lost and faded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Got this finished so thought I would put it up today instead of waiting until tomorrow. Did a boatload of writing in the last few days so updates may be a bit more regular.
> 
> Also I updated chapter 7 on Sunday but it didn't upload right so if you missed that update then you may need to read chapter 7 if didn't get to read it.
> 
> Title take from 'Faded' by Alan Walker, love that song so much and it also inspired this chapter.

Mickey was freaking out again in his apartment as he sat at the kitchen table drinking a bottle of vodka to try and calm him down. He was just home from work where he felt uneasy for his whole shift knowing that it wasn't long now until Terry got released from jail. He even thought he saw Terry in his peripheral a few times but it was just a trick of the light of some old grey haired men in the bar that freaked him out.

Mickey really hated feeling pathetic and weak and if he were honest with himself he felt he was starting to lose control of his own sanity and he was no longer able to hide it. He was surprised Ian hadn't noticed yet and if he did he said nothing to Mickey about it.

Mickey didn't know if he was relieved Ian said nothing or was just relieved that Ian silently knew Mickey was slowly losing his grip on reality but was still there for him when needed until Mickey felt like talking. Mickey didn't know where to start on what was wrong with him, he just felt no longer in control of his own brain. The nightmares had been getting worse and he was freaking out at loud noises or someone shouting in the bar.

Even the stench of stale smoke and alcohol off men in the bar that resembled Terry in some form was even starting to get to him. Mickey had the worst panic attack tonight at work when some patron grabbed his arm in a harmless way and Mickey almost punched the man's teeth out for grabbing him the way he did. Instead he told the patron if he grabbed his arm again he would take him out side and fuck him up with his fists before storming off to the toilets to throw up and freak out in one of the stalls for twenty minutes.

Mickey knew it was the worst panic attack he had so far, he nearly passed out from not being able to breathe and he thought his heart would explode through his ribs from beating so fast and he felt like he sweated all his body water out in five minutes. Mickey managed to get through the rest of his shift in one piece but he noticed his co-workers and some of the patrons looking at him funny for the rest of the night.

He knew what they were thinking, they were thinking Mickey is finally fucking losing it. And Mickey knew he couldnt deny it if they asked about it although he would try and deny it to their faces.

When it was time to go he was out the door before anyone could say a word to him about why he was acting weird and he really hated that everyone saw him have a meltdown in the middle of a shift.

 

* * *

 

 

When he got home he grabbed a bottle of vodka and sat at the table drinking it hoping it would numb him but he noticed that it wasn't having the desired effect. He noticed that his thinking just got worse, those voices in his head were back again telling him he was weak, pathetic and his father would be disgusted with him if he saw him right now.

Mickey sighed as he moved to sit on the sofa trying his best to ignore the voices in his head telling him he was a failure but he gave up as they just louder until he muttered "just shut the fuck up already, give a fucking rest" tiredly as he ran a hand through his hair. His thoughts moved to Ian as he rememered their night out after Ian seen him at his lowest and he was never more grateful for Ian not making a thing out of it but was just there for him.

But he knew Ian had questions but Mickey just didnt know how to answer them and he also didnt want to be cause of Ian having another episode which was why Mickey didnt want to talk to him about his own shit. The only thing that calmed Mickey down was the thought of Ian and he really hated that he was relying on Ian all the time now. But he remembered he was there for Ian all the time when Ian was first diagnosed and it felt like the roles had been reversed. The only difference was that Mickey wanted Ian around but at the same time he wanted to push Ian away.

Mickey felt like Ian was getting too close for comfort but also knew that he needed Ian and didnt want to lose him again which was why he decided he wouldnt push Ian away. Mickey looked around his apartment feeling like the silence was deafening and thought about calling Ian to come over but it was late.

And he also didnt want to because he wanted Ian as a far away as possible from his train wreck of a life. But then he remembered Ian was the one who looked for him and Mickey made a decision.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian was in his apartment watching tv when he decided to he was going to bed. It was a long day at work with clients all day and it didnt help that some asshole at work found out he was gay and giving him shit for it too. Ian didnt know how the guy found out or if the guy was just talking shit but didnt actually know anything about Ian's preferences. Ian sighed deciding he would do some prying tomorrow and find out when before he decided to go to bed.

He switched off the tv when there was a key in the door. Ian froze knowing Mickey was working tonight as he stared at the door and an image of Terry on the other side of the door waiting to kill him flashed in his mind. Ian swallowed a dry lump in his throat and felt tense when he heard "Its me Ian, the fuck you standing there for staring at me" as he shut the door behind him. Ian sighed in relief feeling the tension drop and his shoulders relax as he realized it was just Mickey.

Ian had also been freaking out about Terry's release from prison but said nothing to Mickey as he knew he would also be freaking out. He saw Mickey glaring at him in confusion when Ian told him "fuck I thought you were Terry for a second, thought you were working tonight" firmly. Mickey nearly laughed but hid it as he replied "did I scare you Red" mockingly. Ian glared at him retorting "fuck you asshole" as he went to the door and locked it.

Mickey laughed before replying "worked a bit late so came straight over" hoping Ian bought his lie. Ian seemed to have bought it replying "yeah well was going to go to bed, had a shitty day" as he shrugged his shoulders. Mickey sat on the sofa asked "oh yeah" not adding mine was worse.

Ian sat beside him replying "yeah one of the assholes is giving me shit for being gay, I dont know if he actually knows I am or is just showing off in front of his asshole friends, will find out more tormorrow" firmly. Mickey scoffed in disbelief replying "fucking asshole" angrily. Ian looked at him replying "the only thing stopping me from hitting him is he would love to get me fired and I like my job so he can fuck off" shrugging his shoulders.

Mickey replied "still a homophobic asshole" as he looked at Ian. Ian replied "yeah well did you know that statistically homophobic people have repressed homosexual desires and hate openly gay people out of jealousy" before grinning at Mickey. Mickey laughed replying "that explains a lot of things about my dad" letting his head rest on the back of the sofa. Ian laughed replying "dont want to think about that, dont need that image" firmly.

Mickey scoffed looking over at Ian replying "yeah me neither" before falling silent knowing he made the right choice in coming over here. Mickey couldnt explain it but he felt safe around Ian, Ian made him feel like he wasnt slowly losing his mind with each passing day. Ian was the only person he ever trusted and even though Ian hurt him badly he know that Ian didnt mean to hurt him.

Mickey found it hard to completely trust Ian again but he wanted to and he was working on it, he was working on trying not to push Ian away for good because he wanted Ian in his life. Mickey never thought he would ever have anyone like Ian ever and now that he had it he wasnt letting go this time, the only difference was he wouldnt hold on tightly like he did last time. Even though he was still a little wary of Ian hurting him again he knew that Ian would feel bad about it for a long time.

They talked for another while before going to bed and Mickey didn't complain when Ian lay right behind him and pulled him tight against him as he wrapped his arms around him. Mickey stared silently at the wall feeling boxed in between the wall and Ian and oddly enough it made him feel that bit safer as he got lost in his thoughts. Mickey was about to fall asleep when he heard Ian mumble "I'm glad you came over" softly before falling asleep.

Mickey slightly laughed replying "yeah me too" softly knowing Ian was grinning behind him as he heard Ian's breathing go shallow letting him know he was asleep. Mickey didn't know that Ian really was happy that Mickey came over because it was always Ian going over to Mickey's apartment or Ian telling Mickey to come over to his own apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian had already left for work the next morning when Mickey woke up to an empty bed and the cold sheets behind him told him Ian had been gone for hours. He rolled over to look at the clock that told him it was ten in the morning and he didn't have the energy to get up especially since it was his day off. But he knew it was more than that, his body just felt exhausted and he didn't see the point in getting up anymore, he didn't see the point in fighting for something he would never have and didn't deserve.

He felt like if he disappeared right now no one would miss him, even his own sister considered him dead to her. The only reason he was still in touch with Iggy was to check about his father and it was always Mickey that called Iggy, not the other way around. But then he knew his family had been raised to believe they should look out for themselves only and no one else.

Everyone else could go fuck off except when someone hurt one of their own, then it was a different matter. He settled on his side as he faced the door of the room breathing in Ian's smell on the pillow wondering how the hell he was going to get out this mess. He had been feeling more worn down by shit in his life and he just didnt have the energy to fight it anymore especially when it came to Terry.

He hated that he felt like a shadow of his former self and he was almost sure Ian was only tolerating him out of pity even though Ian had told him that he just wanted them to be back together and they were. Mickey was scared it was more than that, he was scared he was becoming dependant on Ian and he hated it, he hated that needing someone made him weak. He was so used to being his own, the self preservation instinct was strong in him and he always said and believed that he didnt need anyone. Living with his piece of shit father who left him to fend for himself taught him that he didnt need anyone.

Mickey was trying desperately to be that person again, he kept trying to push Ian away but then he knew from experience that Ian wouldn't give up so easily. Mickey also knew that it was hard pushing Ian away and he also found that he didn't want to push him away. He was caught between two conflicting feelings and he hated it.

He decided he was giving up, he was letting go, he felt too lost and didn't have the energy to fight Terry and right now he didn't care if Terry busted down the door right this second just once Ian wasn't in the crossfire. The monster was running wild in his head and he didn't know what to do, he didn't know how to fight it either and he wasn't sure if he wanted to anymore.

He felt like he had given up too as he sighed in defeat letting his eyes close and drifting back to sleep hoping for a dreamless sleep. He was later woken up as he felt fingers combing through his hair and enjoyed the moment before opening his eyes to see Ian sitting on the bed with a worried expression on his face.

Mickey silently looked at him hating that Ian saw him like this before asking "you finished already, what time is it" softly. Ian looked at him replying "its after 2, I finished at 2 because I have therapy at 3" softly. Mickey looked at clock realizing Ian was right and he was surprised he slept for so long but he also didn't care.

Ian asked him "you want to come with me" curiously hoping that he would. Mickey thought about it before replying "not today Ian" tiredly. Ian couldn't believe there was no fight in Mickey since last time he brought the therapy thing up Mickey stormed out but now he didn't even get a reaction.

Ian gently shook his head in acceptance replying "okay" before leaning down to place a soft kiss on Mickey's head. Ian looked at him asking "you getting up anytime soon" in a joking tone. Mickey slightly laughed replying "maybe I dont know, dont really see the point anymore" tiredly in a defeated tone.

Ian hated that Mickey had just completely given up on things, he missed the Mickey that fought constantly with everything and everyone, the man in front of him he didn't recognize anymore, it was as if Mickey was completely broken and he hated that he played a part in that. Ian ran his fingers through Mickey's hair again as he told him "I'm going for something to eat and get some water, you want anything" softly as he looked at him.

Mickey looked back replying "no, I'm good thanks" softly. Ian replied "call me if you want anything" softly before leaving the room and door open and going to get something to eat and take his meds.

 

* * *

 

 

When Ian came back home after work he wasn't expecting the sight he saw in his bedroom. He knew Mickey would probably still be there watching tv as it was his day off but he didn't expect him to be still in his bed more or less telling him he didn't care anymore and that he was giving up. When Ian left his bedroom he was freaking out and briefly wondered was this what Mickey felt like when he saw Ian in a low episode before he started taking his meds.

Ian didn't want to go to therapy now, he didn't want to leave Mickey on his own in case he tried something like he did the night that Ian walked in on him and found Mickey in his bathroom bleeding quite badly. Ian quietly stepped out of his apartment and called his therapist and told her the situation with Mickey and would she come over to his apartment. His therapist agreed and Ian was glad she would even though she only came over to his apartment for when things got bad for him but she was nice enough to help him with Mickey and for that he was glad she would have his therapy appointment in his apartment.

When Ian finished getting his lunch he came back into the bedroom and put a glass of water beside the clock on the small table by the bed for Mickey. He lay down on the bed beside Mickey facing him when Mickey asked "thought you had therapy, your going to be late" softly as he looked at Ian. Ian replied "called her and asked her to come over here" firmly. Mickey scoffed "worried about me are you" jokingly.

Ian didn't find it funny replying "no just don't feel like going all the way over there and she has done my appointments from here before when I would change meds and feel off with them" as he shrugged his shoulder that wasn't lying on the bed. Mickey didn't believe the lie replying "sure whatever you say asshole" before softly laughing. They lay there in comfortable silence and just enjoyed each others company.

When there was a knock on the apartment door Ian looked at Mickey telling him "I'll leave the door open so you can hear everything" softly. Mickey grimaced replying "you don't have to I'll probably just go back to sleep" as he looked at Ian. Ian got up replying "I don't mind" before leaving the room and answering the door.

Mickey didn't go back to sleep, he tried but he found he was more interested in what Ian was discussing with his therapist, he talked mostly about his family, Monica and how much he still struggled with getting Monica's shitty genetics dumped on him while the rest of his siblings got off scot-free.

Mickey felt even more bad for Ian as he never knew how hard Ian struggled with his whole diagnosis and was still struggling with it. Mickey got a whole new insight and he hated the way he treated Ian back then when they were still together. Back then Mickey thought it was as simple as getting over it, accepting and just taking the pills and taking the pills would make everything okay.

But that was his own fucked up thinking of growing up in the Milkovich house of horrors and that Ian's reaction was normal. It made Mickey feel like he was the furtherest from normal you could possibly get and that maybe he was the fucked up one all along and no one else. It wasnt an easy road for Ian and he was just finding out how hard Ian was dealing with the whole thing and that it was far from an easy road that everyone else seemed to think it was about the situation.

What suprised Mickey the most was that the therapist wasnt telling Ian how think or feel, she was actually listening to him and helping him make sense of his thoughts. Mickey thought it was probably nice to talk to someone so freely like that, he couldnt imagine it because he was so used to not being able to say how he felt at all. Mickey just repressed everything over years, what he thought and felt didnt matter, what mattered was that his father had the final say and that was it, what Mickey thought and felt about anything and everything was irrelevant.

Mickey looked at the clock and saw that Ian would nearly be finished now and he wasnt having Ian's therapist see him so weak. He already felt pathetic but she didnt need to see how pathetic he felt he was so he decided to go out there and sit beside Ian plus his limbs were getting sore from lying in the one spot for so long. He got up and put on his jeans and one of Ian's t-shirts as he slept in his own.

He drank the glass of water in one go realizing he was actually thirsty before going to bathroom. He left the bathroom and hesitated not sure if he sould go over as the bravado he felt a few minutes ago had just vanished so he decided to just to go back to the bedroom. Ian looked up and saw him almost shouting "you can come over if you want" firmly.

Mickey silently looked at him thinking 'oh shit' before deciding he cant back out now and walked over to the sofa. Ian looked at Dr Ramirez who was sitting across from him telling her "this is Mickey I was telling you about the other week" firmly as he felt Mickey sit closely beside him. Dr Ramirez looked at Mickey telling him "I'm Dr Sarah Ramirez" before going on to explain some of her background and credentials which meant fuck all to Mickey but he was glad she seemed to make the effort to calm him down a bit.

He knew Ian must have told her what he thought about people in her line of work and after her talking to him he found he started to relax a bit. But then he thought maybe it was more because Ian was beside him, he knew he would relax anywhere once Ian was there with him to calm his nerves down. When she asked "I take it Ian told you about me before, we discussed Ian's involvement on the day your father caught you both" softly as she looked at him.

Mickey felt nervous and he looked at Ian who softly smiled at him in reasurance when Mickey looked over at her and replied "yeah he did" softly. She took it as confirmation on both questions before asking "would you like to tell me some more about that day or your father, its up to you, you dont have to talk about anything you dont want to and everything you say is completely confidental, it doesnt leave this room" genuinely.

Mickey felt his throat dry up and the panic rise in his chest hating that he was feeling like he couldnt breathe again as he remembered that day, the day his father walked in on them. Ian noticed putting his hand on Mickey's shoulder as he looked over at her telling her "he has these a lot and I dont know what to do, it always happens when he thinks of that day" firmly. She wasnt fazed as she replied "its a panic attack triggered by anxiety" firmly.

Mickey tried to catch his breath replying "the fuck is that" feeling like he needed to get out of there quickly as he looked at Ian. Mickey started panicing asking "the fuck is wrong with me, why does this keep happening, I'm fucking pathetic, I'm fucking losing it" in a self deprecating tone. All he could feel was Ian's arm rubbing up and down his back but it wasnt helping even when she asked "can you explain to me what is happening now" curiously.

Mickey scoffed "I cant fucking breathe, I'm sweaty and I feel like my heart is beating faster then it should and I need to get the fuck out of here, I feel like the walls are closing in on me" shakily. She responded "you need to breathe, take deep breaths and focus on something to help ground you" firmly. Mickey glanced at her wondering how that would work but he felt like he was going to pass out from lack of oxygen.

He decided to give it a try as he started the deep breaths and looked at Ian who was staring straight at him and it was few minutes before he felt himself calm down. He couldnt believe it fucking worked as he breathing started to slow down and he blurted out "it fucking worked" as both he and Ian softly laughed as they looked at each other.

She gave them a few minutes to settle down and relax and when they looked at her she asked Mickey "can you tell me what triggers you have when you have one of those attacks" curiously. Mickey thought about it and he really didnt know but he figured he got this far so he might as well continue. He also figured that Ian trusted her and he trusted Ian.

He looked at Ian before looking at her replying "it can be someone who looks like my dad, it can be the smell of smoke and whiskey, certain words or someone can grab me, I nearly beat the shit out of someone the other night at work for grabbing me, It can be anything really, also depends on what the situation is too" softly. She looked at him with a unreadable expression as she asked "can you tell me more about how you grew up" curiously.

Mickey glanced at Ian before looking back at her and telling her who exactly his father was, what he was like and how they grew up living in fear of their father. Mickey also told her how he met Ian and in detail what happened when his father caught them and had him raped at gunpoint. Mickey was suprised she didnt even flinch as he asked "you arent shocked at all" with a slightly raised eyebrow.

She softly smiled at him replying "I dont discuss my clients but I can say I've heard much worse" in a friendly tone. Mickey nearly laughed and looked at Ian who shook his head in agreement telling him "she said the same to me too when I first started" softly as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey shook his head in disbelief wondering what he let himself in for deciding he might as well continue. Mickey looked at her telling her "after that he told me Svetlana who raped me was pregnant and forced me to marry her, I tried to say no but he said he would kill Ian if I didnt marry her" softly as he looked down at his hands.

Ian looked at him with a shocked expression replying "you never told me" softly. Mickey shook his head in disbelief before looking at him replying "he would have killed you Ian, I did it to fucking save your ass and anyway you fucked off to the army so I did the right thing" angrily. Ian hesitated replying "but...if you had of told me" softly with a hurt expression. Mickey shook his head again hating that Ian wasnt getting it but the doctor got there first telling Ian "he did the right thing, his father had all the control" firmly.

Ian scoffed replying "his father is a psychotic asshole" angrily. Mickey angrily interjected "and I know how to deal with that kind of asshole Ian, I was dealing with it my whole life for fucks sake, I was trying to protect both of us but you just left" stopping before he said anything else.

Ian faltered looking between both of them and then looked at Mickey replying "I'm sorry but I thought you were just looking out for yourself and were too afraid to come out as gay" softly. The woman interjected "not everyone has the accpeting family that you did Ian, he did the best he could" softly.

Ian sighed in defeat and remained silent as Mickey talked some more to the therapist. Before Ian knew it they were finishing up the hour when she told Mickey "from the sounds of it Mickey you have post traumatic stress disorder" firmly. Ian looked at Mickey who replied "the fuck is that, that only happens to war veterans, not me" firmly.

She replied "it does but it also happens to people who have gone through horrific trauma but you aren't weak for it, if anything it just shows you tried to deal with it for too long on your own" genuinely as she looked at him. Mickey remained silent taking in her words but it didn't make him feel any better. Ian asked "what is that" curiously.

She looked at them telling them "it varies form person to person, some people have flashbacks of the trauma as if it was happening again, emotional distress, physical reactions from smell and sight, nightmares, avoiding anything that reminds you of the trauma, feeling irritable, always on guard, difficulty sleeping, self destructive behaviour like cutting or burning yourself, feelings of guilt and shame, depression, anxiety panic attacks and there is a lot more too, as I said its different for everyone" softly before falling silent.

Mickey sighed muttering "great I'm fucked for life, think I have most of them" softly. They both heard him when she added "it is treatable Mickey with therapy but you have to want to deal with it and work on getting better, I wont lie, it will be hard but its up to you" firmly.

Mickey silently looked at her as she stood up telling Ian "same time next week at my office, Mickey is welcome to join you and I have both of you booked in for these two hours we just had" firmly. She said her goodbyes and Ian walked her to door and let her out of the apartment.

Ian walked back over to the sofa and turned on the tv before he sat beside Mickey who looked at him asking "you sure you want to stay around me for this shit" softly not hiding the insecurity in his voice. Ian picked up on it as he put his arm around Mickey's shoulder pulling him in replying "damn fucking straight I do, you arent getting rid of me so easily this time" firmly.

Mickey softly laughed as he picked up on the sincerity of Ian's voice and he believed him feeling like he might have some chance but he ignored it. He silently rested his head on Ian's shoulder as they both blankly looked at the tv lost in their own thoughts about the last two hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a sad chapter to write.


	9. These shallow waters never met what I needed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for self harm and suicide.
> 
> Title taken from 'Faded' by Alan Walker

Mickey woke up in Ian's bed after he stayed over again as he didn't want to go back to his own apartment. He knew he was spending a lot more time in Ian's apartment than he was in his own but he didn't care, he just wanted to be around Ian as much as he could. He hadn't stayed over in his apartment in over a week and only went back to grab more clothes to bring over to Ian's place after Ian made it clear he wanted Mickey to stay over.

They had already lived together before in Southside so it wasn't a big deal to either of them that Mickey was more or less now living with Ian. Mickey moved from his side to lie on his back when Ian pressed himself into Mickey's side putting his arm over his stomach and his leg over Mickey's leg. Mickey softly laughed at Ian's actions as he rested his hand on Ian's arm under the sheets enjoying the weight of Ian half lying on him.

Mickey was afraid he was getting too clingy but seeing the way he always woke up with Ian plastered to him he wondered who the clingy one was but he also found he didnt care anymore. It was nice waking up beside Ian and he wouldnt change it for anything and he knew he missed it over the whole year without Ian.

Mickey thought back to when Ian told him he wanted them to get back together and Mickey told him wanted it too but liked being friends. Truthfully he was afraid Ian would judge him if he knew the truth about how low he had fallen and that Mickey didn't think he could be saved.

He wasn't sure if he wanted to be saved or fixed or anything since he didn't feel like he was broken, he just felt lost and defeated. He was also scared and he wasn't sure why but he just felt like he wasn't meant to be happy. He was scared that if Ian saw the truth that Ian wouldn't want him anymore. He knew Ian had enough to be dealing with and he didnt want to be a burden on him knowing that Ian worked hard to get his shit together. Mickey glanced over to see Ian was still asleep as he thought back to the other day.

After the therapist had left they just watched tv for the rest of the day and ate take out and smoked some weed before going to bed. Well Mickey went to bed because all he wanted to do was go to sleep so he could forget all the shit that was swimming around in his head. But he couldnt sleep so he just replayed everything that happened that day along with worrying what was going to happen when his father finally found out where they were.

His thoughts didnt really go away even when he felt Ian slide in behind him and embrace him before kissing him lightly on the back of the neck before falling asleep. Mickey grinned at the memory knowing that Ian probably thought he was asleep when he did it but secretly Mickey loved that moment not that he would ever admit to it especially not to Ian. But he suspected that Ian probably knew he did like it because Ian was always able to see though his bullshit even when he was deep in the closet.

He was broken from his thoughs when Ian asked "what's so funny" curiously in a sleepy voice. Mickey looked at Ian replying "none of your fucking business" humoredly before laughing. Ian softly laughed before closing his eyes again as Mickey wondered if he should tell Ian the truth and he wanted to tell him the truth. He didnt want to be all in with Ian again and Ian find out just how low Mickey had fallen and then decide he didnt want to be mixed up with Mickey's stuff.

Those voices in Mickey's mind told him if he did then he would never see Ian again. It was hard ignoring those voices because he felt like they were telling the truth. Mickey wondered why would they say it if it wasn't true, why would all those people including his father who told him he was worthless piece of shit say it if it weren't true. But he also felt like Ian deserved to know what he was getting into with him, that Ian deserved to have the choice if he wanted to be with him or leave for his own health.

Mickey felt like if Ian stayed then he would drag him down into the hell that Mickey was currently sitting and would probably never escape. Mickey didn't want that for Ian because he felt that Ian didn't deserve it, Ian deserved the world and much more than what he could ever hope to give Ian. But Mickey knew he was selfish because when he wanted something he took it and held on tight and to hell with the consequences.

Mickey knew he wanted Ian but the problem was that last time he held on too tight, Ian left so he decided he was going to give Ian the choice of staying or leaving. Mickey just mentally prepared himself for Ian's rejection and told the voices in his mind that told him it was a bad idea to fuck off. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian's hand move up his side and place on the side of head as he gently kissed him on the cheek whispering "good morning" in a more alert tone as he sighed happily.

Ian settled back down beside Mickey practically gluing himself to Mickey as much as he could and Mickey didn't even want to push Ian away knowing that it would probably be the last time Ian would hold him like this. A comfortable silence fell as Ian absently rubbed his thumb on Mickey's shoulder before Mickey whispered "I tried to kill myself twice" softly.

Ian froze at what he heard whispering "what" in a shocked tone hating that Mickey tried to kill himself and he didn't know about it. Ian hated that it was him that probably drove him to this point, he also hated that he forced Mickey into coming out but this was worse. Mickey was afraid to look at Ian but he knew Ian deserved to have this discussion face to face so he turned onto his side facing Ian. Mickey hated the look of sadness and hurt on Ian's face and he hated that he was the cause of it again but he needed to say what he needed to say.

Mickey knew that it was killing Ian since his own mother had tried to kill herself already but he pushed on with his own story. Mickey put his arm over Ian's waist replying "I didn't tell you how bad shit got after you left, I told you some of it but not all of it" softly as he looked at Ian. Ian swallowed back the tears he felt before saying "tell me everything, I don't care how bad it is" firmly not able to stop the tear that escaped from his eyes.

Mickey softly kissed Ian on the lips before replying "its wasn't your fault Ian" knowing Ian would be blaming himself. Ian shook his head in acceptance but it didn't stop the hurt and guilt swirling in his stomach making him feel like he was about to be sick. Mickey took a deep breath before continuing "it was a lot of things, I think after you left and I moved up here all I had was time to think, think about how I fucked everything up and it all came fucking crashing down" softly.

He kept his eyes on Ian adding "I really fucking missed you and I had no one to talk to and it made it worse" holding back the emotion in his voice. Ian interjected "it was me that fucked up not you, I missed you too and I hated it, I missed my best friend" softly as he looked at Mickey. Mickey scoffed replying "thought Mandy was your best friend" jokingly. Ian rolled his eyes replying "she is but she got replaced" as he lightly shoved Mickey with his body.

They both laughed as the looked at each other before falling silent again. Mickey struggled as he continued "it hurt when you left, I thought that you decided you could do better and I hated it, you didn't want me anymore and I went back to never feeling good enough, I felt like I wasn't enough" before falling silent.

Ian hated that he made Mickey feel like this replying "it was the other way around, I thought you could do better than me, I hated myself so much, I felt like a failure and all my family saw was Monica which didn't help, and I knew you didn't deserve my shit dumped on you, I didn't want this life for you, I didn't want you to have to deal with my fucked up shit and I'm sorry for not giving you that choice, I was wrong to make it for you and I will never forgive myself for being such a heartless asshole that day" genuinely.

Mickey bit back a smile knowing he believed Ian since they already had this conversation. Mickey tightened his grip on Ian even though they were already pressed right against each other before he took a deep breath and continued.

He told Ian "I just drank a lot but I started having nightmares and flashbacks of that day when my dad caught us, I think what happened just hit me since I didn't have anyone around, didn't have shit to do like bring in money for the house, here all I had was my job but that was it, that was just a distraction but it wasn't enough" softly.

Mickey fell silent finding it hard to find the words to say and he was glad Ian just stayed quiet and gave him the time to say what he needed to say. He continued "thinking about it, I think I was always anxious, I always freaked out, panic attacks or what the fuck ever but they came back even worse" softly.

He bit his lip before adding "I couldnt deal with the nightmares anymore, I kept fucking thinking Terry would come busting through the door any second and fucking kill me, didnt help that I was even more scared he would find you and kill you" softly as he looked off to the side. Ian was going to make a joke but decided not to knowing how hard it was for Mickey talk like this right now.

Mickey rubbed his eyes with hand before continuing "all he ever told me was that I was worthless, that all I was to him was a piece of shit and that even my own mother also didnt want me, for some reason he really fucking hated me, guess being gay finally gave him the excuse to finally kill me" letting out a scoff in disbelief.

Mickey went to say something else but stopped himself as he rubbed his eyes again struggling with his emotions. He hated that they made him feel so weak especially when his father's voice was in his mind laughing at him telling him how pathetic he was and that even Ian was laughing at him but he tried to ignore it. Mickey remembered his father telling him a man never feels anything or shows any emotion. That if they did then they were weak and pathetic and that emotions and feelings are for women.

Ian pulled his hand away from his face to see Mickey's red eyes telling him "say it" firmly as he looked at him. Mickey sighed replying "the day you called me a faggot fucking hurt, you used the same words my dad used and it fucking killed me, never thought you would ever fucking say that me" angrily.

Ian didnt hide the hurt and guilt on his expression replying "I'm sorry for that, I dont know why I said it, I think I just wanted the old you, I didnt like what I turned you into, I couldnt feel anything and I lashed out, think I just wanted to hurt someone and I hate myself for that" softly. Mickey silently thought 'good' before he said "yeah well you still said it" not hiding the hurt in his voice.

Ian looked away from him not hiding the shame he felt from his expression. He was suprised when Mickey said "but I've had worse said and done to me so forget about it" softly. Ian looked at Mickey and saw that he meant it replying "I know but still shouldnt have said it, just wish I could take it back" softly. Ian really hated that he had fucked everything up, he didnt even blame Monica anymore, he knew it was his own actions that led him to this point and he had no one to blame but himself.

A comfortable silence fell before Mickey continued "anyway it went on for a few months and I started accepting drugs given to me by some customers at the bar and I kind of overdosed one night about four months after you left, I think it was a spur of the moment thing, I thought I saw my dad on the way home from the bar one night so thought I'd off myself before he got the chance too, think it was the drugs, those hallucinations are so fucking real its scary" softly.

Ian shook his head in agreement replying "yeah I remember" softly as he remembered his own experience of hallucinations when he was off his meds. Mickey fell silent before adding "tried it again about six months after that but it didnt work" softly. Ian didnt hide the shock on his face knowing that it was around the same time that he saw Mickey in the bar before he worked up the courage after two months to talk to Mickey.

Ian couldnt believe that he nearly lost Mickey permanently as he wiped the tears from his eyes hating that he didnt know all of this was going on as he got lost in his own thoughts. Ian sighed and hesitated looking at Mickey before asking "uh..when...was that night I walked into the bathroom another one" not sure if he wanted to know the truth.

Mickey looked at Ian before replying "dont think so, I dont fucking know anymore, I hate that Terry has this much control over me, that bastard gets off on having power over people even his own fucking family" disdainfully.

Mickey added "I hated that you found me, I never felt so pathetic in my life, you shouldn't have had to see that, if I had just stayed away from you all those years ago none of this shit would have happened" in a sad tone of voice. Ian held Mickey a bit tighter replying "from what I remember I didn't exactly listen to you either, just wish I went to work that day, wish I never forced you to come out, you wouldn't have had to marry Svetlana if it wasn't for me" in broken tone of voice.

Mickey replied "it wouldn't of mattered anyway, he would have found out and you didn't force me to come out, I told you that yesterday, I could have just let you walk out and nearly did but I wanted you more" softly. Mickey didn't want to talk about it again so continued "I got to tell you something else, well more show you" softly ignoring the whisper in his mind that told him not to do it. He continued "that night when you saw me with the knife wasn't the first time, I've been doing it for months, nearly a year" softly.

Ian looked at him confused asking "but I didn't see them on your arms" curiously. Mickey slightly laughed feeling more uncomfortable by the second as he moved back out of Ian's hold and lifted up his shirt and pushed the sheets back for a better view. Ian saw the red marks of fresh cuts and healed cuts along with scars some deeper than other across Mickey's waist and hips along with some on his thighs. Mickey looked away hating the shame he felt twist in his gut as Ian silently took in the scars on his body.

Mickey never wanted Ian to see them but he knew he had to even as he said "I needed you to see this, this is why we cant be together, I cant deal with it if you hate me for this, if you want out Ian this is it, this is your chance, you can opt out now and I wont hate you, but if I let you back in and then you decide you don't want this I don't think I can come back from it this time" not hiding the insecurity in his voice.

Mickey pulled his shirt back down over his body and pulled the sheets back up to their original position and was still avoiding looking at Ian. Mickey just lay there waiting for Ian to tell him to get out but it never happened as Ian embraced him again whispering "not going anywhere this time, don't give a shit about those scars" firmly as he looked at Mickey. Mickey finally looked at him and saw Ian meant it replying "really, you aren't freaked out about how fucked up I am" in a broken tone of voice.

Ian instantly replied "no, we both have our shit, we can just be fucked up together" in a bitter tone. Another silence fell before Ian added "I'm selfish and I still want you, don't care about anything else, your dad can come for us all he wants, he wont make me leave you" firmly. Ian fell silent before adding "it took me losing you to see how much I needed you, I'm not letting you go this time" firmly.

Mickey looked down slightly laughing because he felt so uncomfortable talking about stuff like this, he only ever talked to Ian like this but it still wasn't an easy thing for him to do. Mickey bit his lip before replying "yeah same here" softly. Ian grinned at him wondering if it meant what he thought did so he asked "does this mean we're still together" curiously as he tightened his grip on Mickey. Mickey scoffed muttering "your such a fucking girl sometimes" as he laughed.

He looked at Ian replying "course we fucking are" before grinning back at Ian. He wasn't surprised when Ian kissed him and he tightened his grip on Ian pulling him as close to him as he could. When they stopped to breathe Mickey looked at Ian asking "want to chit chat more or want to get fucking on me asshole" in a teasing tone as they both remembered the last time he said that to Ian. Ian laughed replying "think I'll get on you" as he moved to lie on top of his boyfriend letting him know just how much he missed this, how he missed them being together.

Mickey stopped kissing Ian to look at him replying "about fucking time" firmly. Ian scoffed replying "you're the one who put the brakes on the whole thing" as he lightly pulled Mickey's hair with his hand as he looked at him. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "why don't you show me how much I regret that already" with a smirk. They happily spent the day making up for lost time and Ian definitely made him regret putting the brakes on the whole thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like this talk was needed. I hope that these two getting closer is showing and doesn't feel forced.


	10. This is my harmony I'm in your heart again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just really a filler chapter, they need to have some happy times for a change. Also from Ian's POV

Ian tossed and turned all night so much he nearly kicked Mickey out of his bed at one point during the night but the dark haired man was too much of a deep sleeper to even register Ian's restless movements. Ian was having those dreams again, the ones where he was back in manic state and his brain was making him do crazy things like run off with Monica again.

He was standing at a crossroads having to choose between the options of what he wanted in life. The first road straight ahead of him led him back to the past full of regrets and things he wished he could change, things where he always asked the question of what if i had of done this, or what if I had have done that, would be the outcome be different.

The second road to his left was a road full of pain and broken dreams, the army dreams that lay shattered on the ground due to his diagnosis. It was the painful road full of shards of glass that dug deep into his skin and made him wonder why was life so unfair to him while his brother Lip got everything handed to him like a college scholarship. The third road to his right was the road of his broken up family, the painful reminders of his piece of shit father who wasnt really his father and the mother who would rather let her diagnosis run wild and cared more about it than her own family.

Then there was Fiona, Lip, Carl, Debbie and even Liam. Ian used to feel so close to all of them especially Lip but Ian didnt know when they all grew apart and started caring about themselves. Ian couldnt help wonder if Lip's attitude changed towards him because he was gay and decided he wanted to be with Mickey or if it was just college that Lip decided he wanted so left. Ian wondered why Fiona stopped caring, in a small way he understood why since Fiona raised them all when she was practically a small child herself so he understood she wanted to live her own life.

Ian didnt know why Carl decided to get involved in whole drug business even against Mickey's advice on the whole thing but Ian put it down to Carl just wanting to bring money in the squirrel fund to keep them in heating and water and electricity over the winter months. Ian was lost when it came to Debbie, he felt bad for her as she had no one like he had Lip and he missed her and he also missed Liam the most. Ian did think about them from time to time but he knew they couldnt look past his diagnosis. All they saw was Monica and he hated it, he hated that they let Monica and being bi-polar define him a person.

Ian looked at the three roads seeing them all turn to black and blood and the faces on each road become blurry and start to fade away as they were consumed in a thick fog where he could no longer see them anymore. Ian turned to face the road behind him to see it was one of the happier times in his life. He was best friends with Mandy and Mickey's boyfriend and they both didnt give a shit about Ian's disorder.

They were always there for him when he needed them and he hated that he pushed them both away. Ian felt like a failure for not trying harder to stop Mandy leaving with that asshole. Ian thought she replaced the abusive asshole called Terry with another abusive asshole and he hated that Mandy thought so little of herself that she deserved to be treated like shit. Ian knew if he were straight Mandy would be just his type but he wasnt straight so he cared for her and loved her as his best friend and that was enough for him. Ian saw all those memories of he got together with Mickey.

When he first saw Mickey he really thought the guy with the fuck u up tattoos was something else and the foul mouth and dont give a shit attitude just made him fall for Mickey even more. Ian saw all the adversity they went through to get to stage where they could be free and be together and then his bi-polar diagnosis brought it all crashing to the ground. Ian hated that it happened, he hated being bi-polar and he wished someone else in his family got it and he hated himself for thinking that. Ian hated that he let his diagnosis push him to breaking up with Mickey but he also knew Monica played a part in it too.

She got into his head and made him believe that no one would ever love him because of his disorder, he just wished he realized she was wrong before it was too late and he broke up with Mickey. All Mickey did was care for him, love him and Ian knew that was why Mickey became so overbearing and controlling. Ian also hated that he manipulated Mickey in the early stages of their relationship but he was selfish and he was scared of losing the one bit of happiness he ever had.

But Ian thought that if he kept Mickey around he was being selfish so for the first time in his life Ian decided to be selfless and let Mickey go because Ian thought Mickey deserved better despite what Mickey said otherwise. So Ian did the opposite and walked away hating himself more with every second trying but failing to convince himself he did the right thing. That what he wanted didnt matter just once Mickey was happy.

But Ian didnt realize that Mickey just wanted Ian no matter what until it was too late and he was gone from southside for good. Ian saw that like the other roads this one was turning to black and blood as Mickey and Mandy started to blur and fade away consumed by the thick fog pulling them back into the darkness.

Ian wasnt walking away this time and ran straight into the fog calling for Mickey, trying to find him in the fog and trying to break free from the vines that seemed to wrap around his ankles and crawling up his legs pulling him down into the ground. Ian struggled forward a few steps as he continued to shout for Mickey as he fell to the ground and the darkness consumed him hating that he lost the one good thing to ever happen to him in his life.

Ian woke up in a fright as he sat up straight trying to regulate his breathing as he slowly took in his surroundings. He couldnt stop violently shaking as he wiped the tears from his eyes realizing he must have been crying in his sleep. It wasnt the first time he had that dream but it never got easier every time he had it, in fact it just got worse and he hated it. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt a hand lightly grab the back of his head and he almost startled at it as he whispered "Mickey" as he looked over at his boyfriend just able to see him in the darkness.

Mickey looked at Ian with a worried expression asking "the fuck is up with you, I'm fucking here okay" softly as he kissed the side of Ian's head pulling him in for a hug wrapping his arms around him thinking it must have been a bad one judging by the way Ian was shaking. Ian tried to calm down taking deep breaths before replying "bad dream, sorry if I woke you" softly.

Mickey sighed asking "you want to tell me about it" curiously. There was a silence as they both lay back down facing each other with Mickey still hugging Ian who gave Mickey the short version of the dream. Mickey was a bit freaked out at the content but just looked at Ian as he said "Ian I'm not fucking going anywhere, I told you that back then and I meant it, I'm saying again it and I still fucking mean it, get that into your fucking head okay" softly with anger in his voice. Ian shook his head replying "I know but I'm still scared you will leave" softly not hiding the insecurity in his voice.

Mickey relaxed replying "I'm not going to leave" both of them knowing it was Ian who pushed him away. A silence fell before Ian whispered "I just miss my family, I know I shouldnt because they decided I was a burden and just like Monica but I cant just not care about them" in a broken voice. Mickey sighed as he kissed Ian softly on the lips replying "I know you do but they made their choice Ian, they are the assholes, not you okay and if you need then I'll be your fucking family, a new one at least" in a light tone. It worked as Ian slightly laughed mumbling "you already are" in a whisper.

Mickey scoffed replying "whats that mumbles" curiously. Ian sighed telling him "you already are" softly. Mickey kissed Ian again replying "so are you for me" and they both softly laughed before falling asleep again knowing it was the truth, they were both each others family.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian woke up the next morning in the same position he fell asleep in and slowly crawled out of Mickey's arms before getting out of bed for a shower and to get ready for work and left the apartment with a small feeling that things might be okay especially now that he had his boyfriend back. Ian was just glad that Mickey wanted him back and let him in again even though he had hurt him before and Ian knew he would never forgive himself for it either.

Mickey woke up late in the morning and looked at he clock on the tables beside the bed. He knew Ian was long gone as the space beside him were Ian slept was cold. He thought back to the nightmare Ian had last night and he hated that Ian still felt so messed up over shit that happened over a year ago. But then he knew Ian was the type to hold onto all that shit and wish he could change it or do something differently.

He knew Ian silently lived in a world full of regret and bad choices he wished he could change but had a hard time of letting go and accepting that he couldnt change his past. Mickey knew he was the opposite, he made his choices and didnt think twice about them at all. Mickey knew he made bad choices in his life but he never let them take over his mind the way Ian did with the exception of his father having him raped at gunpoint.

That was the one thought Mickey replayed over and and over in his mind. He wished he never invited Ian for that sleepover, he wished he could go back in time and warn himself not to do it or to make Ian leave early. Mickey drove himself crazy with that regret but he was starting to see that it wasnt his fault and that he could never change it but he could move on from it.

And he was trying to move on from it, he needed to for his own sanity but the threat of his father being relased from jail was making it hard to forget the past and move on from it too. Mickey knew that both he and Ian were haunted by their own past and he hated that there was not damn thing they could do to change any of it. But there was one thing Mickey knew he would never regret and that was letting Ian back into his life even though he felt extremely wary of the whole thing. Mickey thought back to the conversation that led to them getting back together and he found he didnt regret it at all and it felt right.

Mickey felt like the time apart had done them good, it made them realize what they really wanted and a chance for them to get their shit together. At first Mickey thought it was Ian who had his shit together and that he was the broken one but he was realizing now that Ian was still just as broken as the day they broke up. The only exception was that Ian was stable and had accepted his diagnosis.

Mickey knew they were now both different people than who they were when they first met. They had too much traumatic shit happen to them for them to remain the same as they were before. They both had changed and it was as if they were learning who they were all over again. It was their chance to start over, it was their fresh start and new beginning and they both knew it.

Mickey sighed as he moved to lie on his back realizing that he still hated the Gallaghers. He hated the way they turned their backs on Ian and compared him to Monica. Mickey heard all the stories about Monica from Ian and some from Carl and for Mickey there was no way Ian was like Monica. Mickey thought Monica only cared about herself and where she could get money for her next fix of drugs, he didnt know why Ian compared himself to her just because his family did.

Mickey remembered that even when Ian was manic all he thought about was how they could make more money to pay the bills and even put his own health a risk to do it. Mickey wished he never told Ian they needed the money because he should have known Ian would do something reckless so they could pay the bills. Mickey thought Ian was the most selfless person there was even if Ian told him it wasnt true and that he was selfish.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian was halfway through his shift at work as he looked at the clock on his phone as he stood outside in the alleyway beside the gym. He was just at the end of his break when he sent a text to Mickey that he missed him and when he got the reply telling him to fuck off followed with I miss you too he laughed and put the phone in his pocket. Ian was afraid to believe that everything was back to normal with Mickey.

He was afraid it would come crashing down around him again and it didnt help that Terry would be roaming the streets again soon. Ian was trying not to worry about it, he was finding it hard not stress about things he had no control over and it didnt matter if Mickey told him not to worry.  But Ian did worry because even though Terry was Mickey's problem Ian felt that it was his problem too. Ian knew it was probably a byproduct of growing up in the Gallagher household of where needing money was everyones problem.

Ian walked back into work hoping the next few hours would go quickly since he was booked with clients for the rest of the day. They were regulars he had that he got on okay with so he knew it wouldnt be too bad. He just wished he called in sick instead this morning and stayed in his bubble with Mickey and forget about the world for the day.

 

* * *

 

 

That evening Ian walked into his apartment slamming the door as hard as he could behind him before he threw his coat and gym bag on the floor. He nearly ran to the bathroom as he held his bleeding jaw in his hand and he didnt see Mickey sitting on his sofa watching the whole scene with amusement and then shock. Ian looked in the mirror to see what was the start of a black eye, a split lip and what he felt was may have been a broken tooth from where he was punched in jaw.

He washed away the blood from his face at the sink when heard "the fuck happened to you" firmly. Ian turned to see Mickey standing in the doorway with a concerned look on his face. Ian grumbled "long fucking story" as he finished cleaning up his face and walked past Mickey who was almost in shock at the blood on Ian's shirt and his face. Ian walked into his room pulling off the dirty T-shirt and pulling a new one from the drawer and put it on before walking out of his room.

He walked over the kitchen and got a glass of water along with his meds and bag of frozen peas for his eyes before he sat on the sofa beside Mickey. Mickey looked over at him asking "so you going to tell me what the fuck happened" firmly. Ian put the frozen bag to his eye as he took a drink from the glass and swallowed his meds trying not to wince at the pain of the water hitting his split lip. Ian put the glass on the table feeling relieved his wasnt missing a tooth but thought it still fucking hurt.

Ian looked over at Mickey telling him "that asshole from work" icily. Mickey retorted "the fuck, I need to beat the shit out of him" angrily. Ian slightly laughed replying "aw you worried about me" mockingly. Mickey stuck up the middle finger at him as he rolled his eyes replying "fuck you asshole" softly.

Ian laughed replying "he found out I'm gay and got one of his friends to go with him to beat me up in the alley beside the gym, they waited until I finished my workout after the gym closed so that no one would see it, the fuckers didnt know I'm southside and army trained, fucking cowards but they look worse than I do, think I broke a few ribs too" as he grinned at Mickey.

Mickey laughed as he shook his head replying "still going to beat the shit out of him if I ever see him" softly feeling the itch to feel some broken bones under his knuckles, it had been too long since he was in a fight and he missed it for some reason. Ian laughed as he looked at Mickey replying "you going to protect my honor or some shit" teasingly with a grin on his face that reached his eyes.

Mickey punched Ian on the arm replying "shut the fuck up, the asshole deserves it, plus its an exuse to beat up the asshole" angrily before laughing. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey asked "so how did they find out, thought it was just rumor" curiously. Ian looked over at him replying "he saw us that night when you called me to come down for the rest of your shift coming out of the bar, he knows its gay bar and put it all together, didnt help we were practially hanging out of each other on the way home" before slightly laughing to himself.

Ian paused before adding "didnt think that shit happened up here" softly. Mickey sighed replying "it happens everywhere, just fucking worse in southside" firmly as he kept his eyes on what he watching on the television. Mickey hated that Ian had recieved that kind of abuse. Mickey knew he deserved it but not Ian, he really hated the assholes who always thought they could put a hand on what was his and get away with it. Mickey looked over at Ian silently promising if he ever came across the asshole who beat Ian up, he would give the asshole more than what he deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its not really a good chapter, not a lot of interaction but the next one will be full of interaction.


	11. Its crashing down the sound of thunder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I am actually a few chapters ahead, now that I have an idea of where I want to get the story to go updates should be a bit more regular.

Mickey knew his short few weeks of happiness with Ian wouldnt last. The past few weeks he had been living in a bubble with Ian since they had gotten back together properly. He was happy that he and Ian were back together and Mickey was glad he told Ian he just wanted to take it slow. But Mickey also felt like they had gotten to a better place than they had before they broke up.

He wondered if Ian felt the same way but he didnt want to bring it up with Ian yet, not when they were on common ground and getting on better than ever. He didnt know why but he was scared the Ian may not feel the same way about him as he did about Ian. But Mickey knew that Ian's actions told him something different from the shit in his own head and he chose to go with Ian's actions.

After Dr. Ramirez's visit to Ian's apartment the day of his meltdown he had been going to therapy with Ian. Mickey found it hard to talk about his feelings on anything but he was getting there even though it was a struggle to talk about things he just wanted to forget. Mickey found it strange that his therapist didnt judge him for anything he said and he was becoming more comfortable much to his own surprise.

But today Mickey just felt a sick sense of dread in his stomach all day and he really hated that once he thought he might be happy there was always something to bring him crashing back to reality. In fact he almost anticipated everything going to shit and he was proved right from just one phone call from Iggy telling him that Terry got out jail and was back to terrorizing southside with his presence.

The last few weeks he had been living in bubble with Ian and had completely forgotten to call Iggy. He also may have been putting it off not wanting to hear the bad news. He still had the nightmares and the panic attacks but he was learning how to deal with them when they happened. It also helped that Ian was there for him all the time even though he hated being so reliant on someone else when he had been through much worse on his own.

Mickey was in his apartment getting ready for a shift at work when he got the phone call from Iggy. Mickey was suprised Iggy wanted to meet up, it sparked all sorts of fears of the whole meeting being a set up despite Iggy telling him he would be careful and make sure he wasnt followed. After some thought Mickey hesitantly arranged to meet his brother at the bar as it felt like a safe place.

Mickey didnt want Iggy in his apartment, he was still scared of Terry inadvertantly finding out where he lived and wasnt willing to take the chance and he also knew Terry would rather die than set foot in gay bar. He was just glad that he brother understood where he was coming from and agreed to it.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was at the end of his shift when he saw Ian at the other end of the bar. He grabbed a drink for him and Ian and walked over to Ian and put the drinks down on the bar when Ian asked "you want to go see a movie or something" curiously before he noticed the drinks in front of him. Mickey silently looked at Ian as he walked around the bar to stand in front of Ian and grabbed the front of Ian's jacket and leaned in to kiss Ian.

Ian stood up and pushed Mickey against the bar as he deepened the kiss before stopping and leaning back asking "the fuck was that for" curiously with narrowed eyes. Mickey scoffed as he shook his head replying "no reason" evasively not adding because it was all he thought about since Ian got here. Ian saw through it as usual and laughed replying "yeah whatever" in a disbelieving tone.

Mickey bit his lip and looked down before replying "cant go yet, Iggy is getting here soon, I want to talk to him" firmly. Mickey scratched his lip deciding Ian needed to know adding "he told me Terry got out of prision, I fucking forgot about the whole thing since we got back together which was your fault by the way" with no anger in his voice as he lightly nudged Ian. Ian scoffed as he let his jaw drop replying "shit forgot about that" softly.

Mickey bitterly laughed replying "I did for a while until today when Iggy called, was distracted and forgot" as he shook his head. Ian grinned as he stepped closer to Mickey replying "oh yeah" not giving Mickey a chance to say anything as he kissed him again. The kiss grew heated as Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian when they were interrupted by someone clearing their throat.

Ian stepped backwards trying to hide the red creeping up on his face and Mickey was about to tell the person to fuck off when he looked and saw who it was muttering "about fucking time Iggy" angrily hating that he interruped his make out session with Ian. Ian slightly laughed as Iggy looked at Ian replying "see you two are back together" firmly with a slight grin on his face.

Mickey faltered as Ian stuttered "we're not back together" softly not sure why he lied about it. Iggy looked between the two of them replying "sure you arent, I think this whole bar knows how together you are from that kiss I just saw" before laughing to himself at his own joke. Ian looked down slightly blushing as Mickey gave Iggy the finger before going to get his brother a beer. Iggy looked at Ian telling him "good to see you man, are you really back together or not" curiously.

Ian glanced at Mickey replying "yeah" softly. Iggy slightly laughed replying "glad you two sorted your shit out" firmly. Ian shook his head feeling suprised that Iggy was so chill about the way he broke up with Mickey. Ian looked at him replying "yeah me too, on the meds now so its good" softly. Ian was saved from more awkward small talk when Mickey came back telling Ian "get those drinks on the bar and follow me" as he walked over to one of the tables.

Ian lifted the two drinks and they both followed Mickey to sit at one of the tables in the corner of the room. Ian sat beside Mickey and Iggy sat across from them at the small table. There was a comfortable silence for a few minutes before Mickey asked "the fuck you want to meet me here for" curiously before taking a drink of his beer. Iggy looked at him replying "as I said Terry's out, he got out three days ago and I just wanted to see my fucking brother, you dont call or visit and I was going to call you but I didnt want to risk it" softly.

Mickey wished the ground would just cave in and swallow him up as Ian asked "does he know about us being here" curiously. Iggy shook his head looking at them replying "no, he went on a bender and is passed out on the couch, I had to move some stuff of my own up here today so he wont find out" before taking a drink of his beer. He put the bottle down replying "also I made sure I wasnt followed" as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey visibly sighed in relief before asking "did he say anything, where is Svetlana, he's going to want to see the kid and he has to know I'm not there" firmly as he hoped the fear he felt didnt show in his voice. Mickey felt Ian's hand on his thigh and felt glad of the support as Iggy replied "I think he thinks you are jail or some shit, it helps you used to disappear for days at a time so he probably thinks you will probably show up eventually" firmly.

Mickey scoffed "fucking idiot" as he shook his head hoping that his father just thought he was in jail. Ian interjected "might be a good idea to let him think that Mickey is in jail" softly. Iggy shook his head in agreement as he looked Ian replying "think he's more fucking pissed that no one kept up his illegal activites since he was in the can" before laughing.

A silence fell before Iggy looked at Mickey telling him "Terry did say something yesterday about if you ever show your face in southside again he will put a bullet in your head along with the redhead, he hasnt forgotten that day you came out, think he has been planning revenge since he's been in the can" firmly before taking a drink of his beer. Ian sighed "shit" softly.

Mickey just remained silence before replying "he's going to come looking isnt he, he's going to find out I'm here" as he bit his lip trying to stop his mind going to thoughts of worse case scenario. Iggy shrugged his shoulders replying "fuck knows, I think once he doesnt see you around it might be okay and if he is running business up here I can call you to tell you to lay low for a bit" firmly.

Ian interjected "hope he finds better things to do fucking piece of shit" icily as both brothers nodded their heads in agreement. Iggy told them "considering he doesnt give a shit that Mandy is gone he might not care enough to hunt both of your down" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "yeah but I abandoned the kid, its probably not even mine but fuck, I feel bad for the kid if Terry takes it and keeps it" softly.

Iggy scoffed replying "another fucked up Milkovich is just what the world needs" sarcastically. Ian looked between them asking "you think he will be more distracted with his gun running to look for us" curiously. Mickey bitterly laughed replying "all he ever cared about is the business, the fuck would that change for" icily as Iggy nodded in agreement. Iggy added "the fucker left us without food for a week once all because he didnt want to waste money feeding us, he would rather spend his money getting tanked on meth" angrily.

Mickey added "we had to steal our own fucking food, not like he would make sure we had any and if we did then it was for him and not us, he beat the shit out of us once for touching what was his" icily as he felt the rage towards his father start to build in his stomach. Iggy bitterly scoffed adding "lesson fucking learnt after that day, we hadnt eaten in a week at that point" as he looked down at the table.

Ian shook his head in disbelief adding "to shitty fucking parents" angrily as both brothers shook their heads in agreement. Mickey paused before asking "what about Mandy" curiously. Iggy grimaced before replying "cant get in contact with her, I dont what the fuck happened with her" softly. Ian shook his head replying "we should never have let her leave with that asshole, he probably killed her" angrily.

There was a silence before Mickey looked at Ian telling him "she wouldnt listen and you can never get Mandy to do anything, she is a stubborn as we are" softly but also agreeing with Ian. Iggy looked at them replying "she will show up some day" softly and they all hoped she would since they missed her. Mickey wanted to know so asked "is Svetlana still there" softly.

Iggy shook his head replying "no, last I heard she moved in with Vee and Kev, she likes it there" softly. Mickey paled asking "did she tell Terry I left" curiously. Iggy replied "no, I told her to say she hadnt seen you in a few days but you were taking care of the kid, I kind of threatened her but it didnt work" before slightly laughing. Mickey and Ian laughed knowing you could never threaten Svetlana.

Mickey fell silent before replying "bet she will tell Terry I left, she will do it to save her own skin" softly. Iggy shook his head replying "I told her Terry would kill her too and take the kid away if she told the truth so I think she will stay quiet since the kid was threatened, she loves that kid more than anything" firmly. Mickey scoffed retorting "she will probably just say I was piece of shit" not adding that she wouldnt be wrong on that fact.

Mickey felt Ian squeeze his thigh looked over to see Ian giving a supportive soft smile but it was gone as quick as it were there. A comfortable silence fell as they drank in silence as the three men were never ones that needed to fill the silence with endless chatter about nothing in particular. Ian was lost in thought as he wondered about his family again, he hated that they cut him out completely and wrote him off as Monica but he also knew he didnt exactly keep in touch with them either.

If Ian was being honest he was a little worried about his family know that Terry Milkovich was back in south side and he was scared that Terry would go through the Gallaghers to find Mickey. But he needed to know so Ian looked at Iggy asking "you seen Fiona or any of them around" curiously. Iggy looked at him replying "no, Fiona is around, last I seen Carl was selling drugs, dont know where the rest of them are, sorry man" genuinely with a soft smirk.

Ian shook his head as he looked down at his hand wrapped around his glass and took a drink from it as Mickey added "they are probably fine, Terry wont go near them" firmly as he looked at Ian. Ian scoffed as he looked at Mickey replying "you really think so, he wants to kill me and then you, it never stopped him before" firmly. Mickey sighed knowing Ian was right but never got the chance to say anything as Iggy told him "I'll keep an eye out for them" softly.

Ian bit back a grin replying "thanks I owe you one" firmly as he looked at Iggy. Mickey scoffed replying "youre practically one of us now" firmly as he looked at Ian. Iggy interjected "he's got a point" before finishing off his beer. Mickey looked at him asking "you going already" curiously. Iggy shook his head replying "yeah got to collect" firmly. Ian and Mickey shook their heads picking up on what he meant when Mickey asked "got any good stuff" curiously.

Iggy laughed as he stood up and looked around seeing that no one was looking, he pulled two joints out of his pocket and handed them to Mickey. Mickey quickly took them and put them in his pocket replying "better be the good fucking stuff" firmly as he glared at his brother. Iggy scoffed replying "only the best" as he flipped off with a middle finger in the air before walking away and leaving the bar.

Mickey and Ian laughed before Ian told him "your brother is an idiot" as he punched Mickey in the shoulder. Mickey raised his eyebrows at him retorting "yeah, not as much as Lip, now he really is a fucking idiot and an asshole" firmly. Ian scoffed replying "true" in agreement. Mickey asked "can we get the fuck out here now" curiously. Ian replied "sure" as they both stood up and left the bar.

 

* * *

 

 

Iggy remained at the door of the bar deciding to look at Mickey and Ian for a few minutes thinking they were lucky they had each other. He was also glad they got out of southside but he was also afraid Terry would find them and he also wished he didnt have to go back to the Milkovich house of horrors. Iggy would have rather stayed would his brother in the northside and he didnt want to be in southside anymore now that both his siblings were gone.

He hated Terry and wasnt sure if he could face him on his own, it was always more easier to deal with Terry knowing Mickey and Mandy were there to help him when he needed it. As Iggy looked at them and he realized how happy they were and he hoped Terry woud be more preoccupied with his illegal activities than to look for Mickey and Ian after they publicly humiliated him at the christening.

When Iggy heard Mickey ask could they leave already Iggy left the bar and made his way to southside wishing that maybe one day he could be where Mickey was, relaxed and carefree and out of southside away from his father. But a big part of him knew it was wishful thinking but it was nice to dream. He couldnt help feel envious of Mickey and Mandy too, they got out while he was still stuck in the one place they all hated.

He hated that he was slowly being dragged back into Terry's fucked up world of guns and drugs. Iggy didnt mind selling his own product but he didnt want anywhere near the guns end of business. It was too risky and he didnt want to get caught so he decided he would stay off his fathers radar as much as he could while also trying his best to protect Mickey and Ian from inside the monsters lair.

As he approached the Milkovich house he sighed as he thought of the expression keep your friends close and your enemies closer but it didnt settle the uneasy feeling he felt in his gut. He shook his head wishing he had the guts to do a Mandy and get as far away as he could but he decided to do what Mickey done for him for all those years. He decided he would take the brunt of Terry while keeping his brother and his friend safe as possible.

He figured he could keep them safer once he was close to Terry at all times as it would be easier to track Terry's actions. Iggy walked into the house and seeing Terry wasnt there he sighed in relief as he was too tired to face the monster right now.

The quiet also gave him time to think up a plan to get rid of Terry once and for all. It would take the heat off of all of them and their lives would be much easier if the monster was behind bars permanently or buried in a grave for good. It would also mean they would be free and the risk was worth it so Iggy got to planning and thought about people who owed him favors that he never called in yet.

 

* * *

 

 

After Ian and Mickey left the bar they decided to go to Mickey's apartment as it was closer to the bar. They were silently sharing one of the joints as they watched Captain America: The Winter Soldier on the television screen. Mickey noticed Ian was engrossed but Mickey had seen the movie before and he wasnt really paying attention to it. All he could think of it what would happen when Terry would start asking questions as to where Mickey was when Terry found out he wasnt in jail and if someone would tell him that he left town.

Mickey didnt trust Svetlana to keep her mouth shut and it didnt matter if Iggy threatened her, Svetlana was loyal to no one but herself, she only cared about herself and the kid and everyone else could fuck off for all she cared. Mickey didnt know if it was another of his anxiety attacks building up but he felt that pressure in his chest again like he couldnt breathe.

Mickey didnt know if it was just another of his paranoid delusions taking over his brain again, he always had them but they always got worse at the mention of Terry or whenever his father was around. Mickey knew that Terry was bound to come looking for him eventually and when did there would be hell to pay. Mickey vaguely felt Ian take the last of the joint out of his hand and he smoked it before putting it out on the ashtray on the table.

He was broken from his thoughts when Ian sat back and rested his head on his shoulder. Ian felt sleepy from the joint as he moved closer to Mickey and took Mickey's hand in his much to Mickey's amusement. He found it funny that Ian got sleepy when he was high as he shook his head in disbelief. Mickey sighed as he ran his free hand through Ian's hair before softly kissing the top of his head letting his hand rest on Ian's forearm wondering how he ended up with someone like Ian.

They fell into a comfortable silence and Ian knew that Mickey didnt let people in so easily but he felt lucky that he was given another chance and he knew he wouldnt fuck it up this time. They both knew that they needed each other more than they could be without each other and it was hard for them both to realize it. Ian just hated that he was such an idiot a year ago when he dumped Mickey. But he also wondered if it was the break up that made him realize just how much he actually needed Mickey in his life.

 

* * *

 

Later that night Mickey lay awake in the darkness as he tried to sleep but he couldnt calm his mind down enough to sleep and it didnt matter that Ian was wrapped around him like cling film. The thoughts he had during the movie they watched didnt stop so all he thought about was all the differennt scenarios of what would happen when Terry came looking for him and Ian.

He knew he father well enough to know it would happen and It was just a matter of when it would happen and Mickey hated that uncertainty. Mickey let out a deep sigh as he stared at the celing in the dark admitting to himself he was scared. The one thing Mickey loved about the darkness was that he could admit things to himself that he would never admit to himself in broad daylight.

He always thought if it happened in the darkness then it didnt really happen but if it happened in the daylight or someone heard him admit to it then it made it real and he couldnt deny it anymore. Which meant that tomorrow he would try his best to convince himself he wasnt scared. But now he was and he was scared of his father finding him and Ian. He was scared of his father killing Ian in front of him and dragging him back to southside to live under his father's oppressive thumb for the rest of his life. Mickey felt his breathing becoming more erratic and he felt sweaty and recognized he was on the verge of another panic attack.

He took a deep breath resting his arm over Ian's arm that was lying across his waist under the covers and calmed himself down as he moved closer to Ian by turning on his side hoping he would fall asleep. When he did fall asleep it was a restless sleep filled with nightmares of Terry barging into the apartment and killing them both on the spot. This time the nightmare was different.

Mickey dreamed he was work at the bar and it was quiet, just him and Ian talking at the bar while Mickey worked and Ian sat on the other side of the bar with his drink. Ian had been making fun of Mickey for something stupid when Mickey heard the door open and saw Terry walk into the room with an angry glare on his face shouting about how he would find him eventually.

Mickey tried to run around the bar the get in front of Ian but it was too late as Terry just pulled out a gun and shot Ian in the head before Ian could react. Mickey woke up shouting for Ian wiping the tears from his eyes thinking that Ian was really dead. He was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian grab his face forcing him to look at him blurting out "I'm here, its okay" softly.

Mickey couldnt breathe as lay on his side and forced himself to look at Ian who looked at him with a concerned expression asking "another nightmare" curiously. Mickey swallowed the dry lump in his throat pulling Ian closer to him replying "yeah, its was different, Terry found us at the bar, shot you in the head before I could get to you" in a broken voice.

Mickey rubbed his eyes with his hand trying to get his breathing back under control as he thought back to last night when he realized he was scared. Before he could stop it he whispered "I'm fucking scared" softly. Ian looked at him with a scared expression replying "I know, I am too" softly. Mickey softly laughed as he looked at Ian replying "I couldnt sleep earlier, admitted to myself I was scared, I wasnt even meant to admit it out loud there now" softly. Mickey hesitated blurting out "every time I think of something like that in the darkness, I can tell myself the next day that it wasnt real, it didnt really happen and push it away, that I dont really feel that way, that I'm not weak" in a broken voice.

Ian remained silent as he looked at Mickey who added "but by admitting it in daylight it makes it real, I cant deny it anymore, that fact that you heard it makes it even more real, it means someone knows and they know I'm weak and pathetic, its why I dont like talking about shit, I dont even like therapy, its fucking hard, means everything I say is fucking real, I cant pretend it didnt happen anymore and I fucking hate that" in a broken voice.

Ian knew Mickey hated pity but he still said "I dont think you are weak and you talk to me" softly. Mickey looked at Ian replying "well youre easy to talk to, I trust you and know you wont judge me for it" softly. Ian softly smiled at him replying "you're the strongest person I know" firmly. Mickey scoffed as he looked at Ian replying "dont feel like I am" in a broken voice. Ian softly kissed Mickey on the forehead as he tightened his grip around him and pulled himself closer to him as they fell back asleep as it was still early in the morning.

 


	12. The lightning strikes and makes me blind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter I sort of lost my way with it but I think I'm back on track with it now that I rewrote the end of the last chapter.

Mickey stood in the alleyway of the gym where Ian worked as he frantically smoked a cigarette. He had been on edge all day as he looked at the clock on his phone wishing Ian would hurry up and get the fuck out here so he could talk to him. He heard the door open and a guy with brown hair and two black eyes walked out and Mickey recognized him from Ian's description. Mickey really hated this guy for putting a finger on Ian as he stood in front of the guy glaring at him as he asked "you know Ian Gallagher" icily. The guy looked up at him replyng "that faggot" curiously.

Mickey scoffed hating this skinny homophobic asshole who looked like he wouldnt last two seconds in a fight. Mickey was already on edge and when he was on edge he was angry which meant his already short temper was even shorter and Mickey was going to take it out on this asshole. Mickey scoffed glaring at the guy replying "is he fucking here or not" icily. The guy replied "yeah but I'm working on trying to get him fired, why, you want to kick the shit out of him, I wouldnt mind kicking the shit out of him again, dont need that gay shit here, right" smugly.

Mickey scoffed running his thumb along his lip trying to contain the anger that was building up inside of him over this guy. The guy continued "he's a tough bastard, me and a friend tried to kick the crap out of him but he was good, strong, guy could fight but I can call my friend if you need back up" smugly. Mickey scoffed again angrily glaring at the guy before he punched him in the face hearing the crunch of bone under his fists.

Mickey laughed knowing he broke a nose as the guy fell down on the ground on his knees before Mickey punched him in the face knocking him to the ground where Mickey kicked him a few times in the ribs before he leaned down and grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him up a bit before punching him in the face. The guy had a black eye and was bleeding from the nose as Mickey growled "you ever touch my fucking boyfriend again and you are a fucking dead man, got it" icily.

The guy nodded replying "yeah" weakly. Mickey pulled him up off the ground replying "and you can forget about getting him fucking fired because youre going to fucking quit, because if you dont I'll fucking put you six foot under, got it" icily. The guy stood up clearly intimidated replying "got it" softly. Mickey pushed him away replying "get the fuck out of here before I break every fucking bone in your body" angrily.

The guy just silently nodded before leaving the alley trying not to audibly groan in pain. Mickey watched him leave muttering "fucking pussy" angrily. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he heard someone softly laughing and looked over to see Ian standing in the doorway with a grin on his face and slightly shaking his head in amusement. Mickey slightly blushed but hid it by biting his lip and looking down as Ian asked "that what you came down here for" humouredly.

Ian knew Mickey came down for something else but he decided to have some fun by playing with Mickey for a bit and watching him squirm. Mickey didnt say anything as Ian stepped outside and shut the door behind him as Mickey asked "you saw all that" curiously. Ian softly laughed again standing in front of his boyfriend replying "yeah I did right from where he said he doesnt need that gay shit here, have to say I wont miss the asshole if he quits" humouredly.

Mickey looked down again muttering "shit" feeling his face turn red. Mickey was feeling embarrassed at Ian having caught him beat the shit out of a guy that beat the shit out of Ian. He knew Ian could defend himself but he hated people touching what was his and Mickey thought the guy fucking deserved it. Ian grabbed Mickey by the shoulders looking straight at him muttering "that was kind of hot" softly.

Mickey laughed as he looked up at Ian replying "youre fucking weird" softly. Ian shrugged his shoulder rolling his eyes as Mickey added "fucker touched what was mine, remember I came after your ass once too you know because of Mandy" humouredly. Ian hummed replying "yeah you did, we should thank Mandy for that" humouredly. Mickey grinned as he looked down at his feet resting his hands on Ian's hips replying "shut the fuck up" softly.

Ian ignored him grabbing the back of Mickey's neck and pulling them close together as he leaned in for a kiss which grew heated quickly. Mickey faltered and stopped knowing he came here for a reason as he rested his forehead against Ian's blurting out "got to talk to you but not here" as he looked back on to the road and then down to the end of the alley.

Mickey walked towards the end of the alley and Ian followed him to a spot where they were hidden behind a large industrial bin. Ian was freaking out now asking "the fucks going on with you, your freaking me out" with a worried expression hoping this wasnt another panic attack. Mickey was trying not to let the panic he felt overwhelm him before pulling a gun out of the back of his jeans and handing it to Ian telling him "I got that for you, I have mine in my apartment" hurriedly.

Ian's jaw dropped replying "the fuck Mickey, that shit doesnt go unnoticed up here" as he frantically looked around hoping no one saw the gun. Mickey paced in the short space between the bin and the end of the alley replying "I need you safe Ian, if my dad does find you I want you to have protection if I'm not with you" hesitantly. Ian was about to make a joke but he saw the fear in Mickey's eyes and deflated a bit replying "you really think I will need it, Chicago is a big place" curiously.

Mickey looked off to the side and sighed in defeat replying "I dont know but I know my dad and as you know he always pops up when least fucking expected" icily as both of them remembered the day Terry was meant to be gone for a few days and came back early. A silence fell before Mickey added "I got them off Iggy earlier, just want to fucking be on the fucking safe side you know" trying to hide just how rattled he really was but Ian saw thought it.

Mickey rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hand in frustration and Ian sighed asking "its been a month since he's been out, you really think he is still coming after us" curiously. Ian decided to put the gun in his gym bag before someone saw him standing in the alleyway with a gun and called the police which was the last thing he needed. Mickey sighed not even knowing where to start in answering the question as he paced in the small space between the bin and the wall.

He thought about it before looking at Ian replying "I dont fucking know Ian, Iggy said it looks like Terry just forgot about it, Iggy thinks that as long as we stay away from southside we should be fine as long as Terry doesnt see us but there is a risk of him finding out" in a shaky tone of voice. Ian wanted to reach out and hug his boyfriend but decided not to knowing when Mickey felt caged he lashed out so he just gave Mickey the space he needed.

Mickey shook his head trying to get his thoughts straight as he looked at Ian telling him "I'm not sitting around here waiting for him to come pick us off, I want to be ready for the asshole if he shows up so he wont catch us off guard unlike last time" angrily. Ian wanted to say something but he didnt know what to say except "okay, then thats what we do but how long do you think we should have to live looking over our shoulder all the time waiting for him to show up and thats if he does show up" softly as he looked at Mickey.

It didnt do anything to stop Mickey's thoughts going to worst case scenario but he knew Ian was right and he hated it, he hated that he was back to looking over his shoulder every fucking day until Terry landed back in jail. Mickey felt the panic rise in his chest as he stopped pacing frantically and stood in front of Ian adding "I got away from all this shit and now I'm being fucking dragged back into it and I dont got a fucking choice in it, I got straight for a fucking year and I'm not going back into that illegal shit no fucking way" angrily.

Ian slightly laughed replying "your not exactly straight" in a joking tone with a grin on his face. Mickey silently stared at Ian realizing what he meant replying "that a fucking gay joke, fuck you Ian, you know exactly what I fucking meant asshole" before laughing at Ian's joke. Mickey had stopped freaking out and he realized Ian made the joke to distract him and he was just glad it worked.

Ian grinned even more as he pulled Mickey in for a hug not knowing Mickey was just thinking about how much he couldnt lose Ian again as he tightly hugged Ian back. Mickey couldnt and wouldnt let Terry try to take Ian from him again, not this time especially when he and Ian had finally gotten to a good place. Ian leaned back to look at his boyfriend as he grabbed a handful of his hair in hand when Mickey asked "the fuck you looking at" hating the way Ian seemed to stare right through him.

Ian couldnt hide the fact the Mickey beating the shit out of that guy did things to him and Ian smirked at him knowingly. Mickey shook his head knowing where was going adding "no, no fucking way, I'm not fucking getting off with you here" but was silenced when Ian pushed him against the wall and leaned right up against him as he kissed him. Ian stopped and looked at him replying "never stopped you before and you can stop me anytime you want" as he grinned at Mickey.

Mickey wanted to so badly and he knew Ian was right but he didnt want any of the douchebags from the gym catching them and making shit even worse for Ian at work just because he wanted to get off with his boyfriend. Ian sighed in frustration adding "come on we got time before our appointment" pleading with Mickey. Mickey glanced around knowing Ian was right and knowing that expression on Ian's face would get Ian anything and he could see the moment Ian knew he had won.

But Mickey didnt care, he knew he would do anything to put that happy grin on Ian's face as he sighed before replying "well then get fucking on with it" glaring at Ian who just went back to kissing him and much more.

When they finished getting off with each other the left the alleyway hiding big grins and Mickey swore the people they walked past on the street when they left the alley knew exaclty when they were doing in the alleyway but he couldnt find it in himself to care. They kept glancing at each other as they walked down the street and looking away when the other person caught them. They both felt way too happy to care about the shit that was going on back in southside.

Ian threw his arm over Mickey's shoulders asking "you coming in with me again to therapy" curiously. Mickey was suprised he didnt push Ian off, there would have been a day he would have but those days were long gone and he wasnt that person anymore. He didnt want to push Ian away anymore and he wasnt going to since he wanted Ian to stay in his life.

He knew Ian always liked public displays of affection and while he didnt like them at all since they made him feel uncomfortable it didnt mean he wasnt going to try for Ian. Mickey looked at Ian letting out a soft sigh replying "sure why not, got nothing fucking better to do for the next hour right, might as well listen to your shit and you can fucking listen to mine" defensively but with no anger in his voice elbowing Ian in the ribs.

Ian laughed at him replying "whatever Milkovich always a fucking pleasure" as they walked towards the building they needed to go to. Mickey never failed to be surprised at how Ian always saw through his bull shit but he also didnt get how Ian always saw the good the him when no one else ever did.

 

* * *

 

 

Iggy was sitting in the Milkovich house on the sofa smoking a joint enjoying the silence since Terry was gone for the week about a deal with the Latvian mob to buy and sell some guns and drugs. Iggy wasnt paying to much attention to Terry's ranting before he left about how he had to do everything himself.

That he didnt have his faggot son to do his dirty work for him anymore and that his other son was too useless and his only daughter thought she could do better than him and fucked off. Iggy knew that the second comment was directed at him but he ignored it and only paid attention when Terry said he would be gone for the week. Iggy thought about going over to see Mickey and Ian and maybe staying with his brother for a few nights until his father came back a few days.

Iggy had only met up with his brother once since that night in the bar to give Mickey two guns from the stash in Mickey's room. Iggy noticed something was up with Mickey and that he seemed rattled but he didnt know why but put it down to just Terry being back on the streets. Iggy couldnt blame his brother for wanting himself and Ian to have protection in case they ever unfortunately bumped into Terry as Terry always had a gun on him wherever he went.

Ever since Terry got out of the can he had been doing Iggy's head in and he wished someone would just shoot his father so all the Milkovich's would be permanently free of the man. Iggy laughed to himself at the thought knowing it was too good of a thing to actually happen.

He was broken from his thoughts when he heard the door open and thinking Terry came back early he turned around not able to hide the suprise from his face at the person who walked in the door. He stood up asking "Mandy, the fuck are you doing here" curiously.

Mandy rolled her eyes replying "fuck you asshole, I came back alright" firmly as she let her bag fall on the floor. Iggy relaxed asking "you leave that asshole yet" curiously as he glared at her. Mandy softly laughed replying "fuck yeah I did, moved around for a while before coming back here" as she shrugged her shoulders. Iggy sighed replying "got to tell you Terry is out" firmly.

Mandy paled in shock wishing that she had never come back now. She just wanted to turn and run again, she left one abusive asshole so no way was she putting up with her father again who was another abusive asshole. Mandy picked up her bag deciding she wasnt staying here.

Before she was out the door Iggy asked "where are you going" firmly. Mandy bitterly laughed replying "not fucking staying here, I'll go to Ian's, he will let me crash at his until I figure out what to do, Mickey's got to be there too so I'll be okay just once I'm not here" trying to hide the panic in her voice. Luckily for her Iggy didnt notice replying "you cant, Mickey's up northside and Ian is with him too but you can tell anyone, I'm not meant to tell anyone, Terry will kill them if he finds out" firmly as he looked at her.

Mandy shook her head in disbelief replying "I cant stay here not with Terry, I need to go now before he comes back" not adding to be raped again by her father. Iggy sensing her panic rushed over to her replying "I'll fucking take you to them okay, we'll go now, Terry wont be back for a few days but we'll go now if you want" softly.

Mandy glanced around as the memories flashed in her mind. The memories of her father and ex boyfriend abusing her in any way possible and then the happier ones she shared with Ian and Mickey both seperately and together. Mandy sighed replying "I want to go now" softly as he looked at her brother. Iggy grabbed his coat and they both left the house to go to the northside.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian and Mickey were in Ian's apartment after having dinner that Ian made from scratch and Mickey didnt give a shit about it being healthy shit since he got a free meal out of it. They were now sitting on the sofa playing video games when Mickey got a phone call from Iggy asking where he was so Ian told Mickey to tell him to come over. Mickey gave Iggy Ian's address and told him to come over before hanging up the phone.

Mickey threw the phone on the table grumbling "the fuck did you do that for Ian, its safer if he doesnt know where we both live" elbowing Ian in the side. Ian flinched replying "fuck you, he wants to come over and he brings weed and its the good stuff" as he looked at Mickey. Mickey scoffed as he looked at Ian with an amused expression replying "and yet I smoke more of it than you do" humouredly.

Ian laughed raising the middle finger at Mickey replying "fuck you asshole" humouredly. Ian knew Mickey was right since Ian didnt smoke of much of it as he used to before he went on the meds for his bi-polar disorder. A silence fell before Ian turned to face Mickey adding "seriously, this paranoia isnt good, you cant live in fear of Terry forever, Iggy isnt going to say anything, if he did he would have by now" softly.

Mickey was about to argue back but he knew Ian had a point as he replied "I know but its the way I have always lived, Terry breeds fucking fear alright, he makes you fucking paranoid" angrily as he sighed in defeat. Ian knew what Mickey meant pulling him for a hug replying "I know but leave the crazy thoughts to me yeah" in a self deprecating tone.

Mickey leaned back replying "its not fucking funny Ian, dont be putting yourself down like that to make me fucking feel better okay" angrily. Ian sighed as he looked to the side replying "doesnt make it less true though" softly. Mickey sighed hating that Ian always put himself down replying "whatever man" softly knowing there was nothing he could say to make Ian think any differently.

Ian lay against Mickey resting his head on his shoulder as they silently watched televison for a while when there was a knock on the door. They knew it was Iggy so Mickey got up and cautiously answered the door and when he opened the door and Iggy walked in he saw Mandy. Mickey almost shouted at her "Mandy, the fuck did you get here" as he let her in. Mickey closed the door and hugged her telling her that he missed her and he was pissed at her for not calling.

Ian looked over and was in shock as he saw his best friend apart from Mickey. He never thought he would see her again as he got up and hugged her tightly before whispering "its good to see you Mandy, I missed you" as he looked at her. She kept her arms around him replying "me too" before she stepped out of the embrace. Mickey looked at her asking "so when did you get here, I hope that asshole didnt follow you from Indiana" trying not to shout at her but Terry already had him rattled beyond belief and he didnt need another problem either.

Ian who was sitting down grabbed Mickey's arm silently telling him to shut up as he glared at his boyfriend. Mickey got the hint and rolled his eyes before he sat beside Ian and looked at his siblings telling them "well sit the fuck down" as he pointed at the other small sofa. Mandy sat down as she told them "I left him one night after we were in Indiana for two months, jumped from town to town every few weeks since then so he couldnt find me, didnt want to come back here because it was too obvious" softly. Mandy didnt want to say anything else and she was hoping that no one would push her more on the issue.

She had her reasons for leaving and she didnt want to discuss them now with anymore, she also thought they would judge her too and she didnt want to risk it either. Iggy who was rolling some joints beside her when Ian added "if that asshole comes back we'll deal with him Mandy" sincerely as he looked at her. Mandy slightly shook her head at him fighting a small smile wishing she had come back sooner.

While she was away she had really missed Ian and missed talking to him, missed the way he always helped her out and she just hoped he would help her out again. Mandy didnt want talk about herself anymore so diverted attention to Mickey asking "so when did you both move up here" curiously. Ian and Mickey glanced at each other wondering who was going to fill her in but Iggy got there first telling her "these two idiots broke up a year ago and how long are you back together" as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey looked ready to kill his brother as Ian interjected "a few months but we were friends for three months before that" softly. Mandy looked at them hesitantly asking "why did you break up" curiously hating the pang in her chest that she felt at not being there for Ian or for Mickey. Mickey looked over at Ian and saw Ian was looking down at the floor with a guilt ridden expression on his face.

Mickey sighed replying "this idiot decided it would be better to dump me because he thought I could do much better than be with someone who had bi-polar disorder" in a light tone as he lightly shoved Ian with his shoulder to let him know he was joking. Ian glanced up at Mickey and saw there was no anger in his words or voice but he still felt like shit over it.

Iggy lit up a joint and handed it to Mandy and threw two of them to Mickey before lightling up his own and smoking it. Mickey lit up a joint and smoked it adding "well anyway after we broke up I moved up here, got a job in a bar and a year later this idiot shows up in front of me telling me he wants to talk and well you know the rest" as he looked at Ian not wanting to say anymore. Ian almost grinned at Mickey taking the joint off him and smoked it as he softly whispered "yeah well we all know what an idiot I am" as he slightly laughed.

A comfortable silence fell before Mandy asked "so Terry's out, he know you are up here" curiously. Mickey laughed replying "fuck no at least we dont think so" as he looked at Ian again. Iggy interected "dont think he knows yet but I havent said anything and I wont say anything about Mandy either" firmly. They all talked some more and smoked some weed and watch a movie before Iggy decided he had to go.

Mickey walked him to the door as he tried to find out more about Terry. Mandy sat on the sofa looking across to Ian before hesitantly asking "hey uh, can I, can I stay here for a few days, I got nowhere else to go and I will have somewhere to stay in a few days please" softly. Ian grinned at her replying "sure you can stay as long as you want" as he got up and sat beside her before embracing her in a hug.

Ian sat back adding "got to warn you I dont have a spare room but you are sitting on a pull out bed, havent used it yet" firmly. Mandy laughed replying "its fine Ian, it will do, I've slept on worse believe me" softly. Ian silently looked at his friend wanting to know more as he got the feeling Mandy was hiding something, he noticed she was on edge all night. He never got to ask as Mickey had sat down beside Ian who was now sandwiched in between Mandy and Mickey.

They didnt talk anymore as they decided to just watched a movie but they were all distracted and lost in their own thoughts until they went to bed. When Ian and Mickey had gone to bed and Mandy was lying under the covers on the pull out bed and she was sure they were asleep she let tears fall until she cried herself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Mandy is back and what is she hiding? I hope it doesn't feel forced Mandy coming back.


	13. Maybe in a dream I'll go between the sun and shining stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think there might be 7 or 8 chapters left of this story, depending on how my chapters outline works so still more to come.

Ian woke up in his bed laying on his side facing the wall as he pulled Mickey closer to him and kissed the back of his neck. He thought the last few days had been crazy with Mickey getting them guns as they waited for Terry to find them and the return of Mandy to Chicago. Ian was broken from thoughts when he felt Mickey turn around to face him mumbling something before going back to sleep as he buried his face in Ian's chest.

Ian was about to drift off again when heard "I dont want her here, dont want her to see me like this" softly. Ian wasnt sure if he heard it right asking "what, why" curiously. Another silence fell before Mickey moved so he was facing Ian replying "I am happy Mandy is back but I just dont want her to see me like this, I dont want her thinking different of me but I also dont want her staying in some dump" in a weak voice hating that he sounded so broken.

Ian sighed as he tightened his grip before replying "so let her stay in yours and then you stay here with me" softly as he mentally cursed himself for being pushy again. Mickey thought about it asking "you'd want me to stay" hesitantly. Ian grinned replying "you've practically been living here since we got back together, most of your stuff is already here and we lived together before so why not and at least you wouldnt be paying rent on an empty apartment and when Mandy gets a job she can pay it" as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey thought about it wondering if he should do this again but decided Ian had a point so replied "fine I'll stay here" not able to hid the small smile of his face but bit his lip so Ian wouldnt notice. Ian noticed it and deciding to say nothing but kiss his boyfriend. It grew heated and led to sex and when they finished Ian asked "are you going to tell her at all" curiously as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey thought about it before replying "no, she has enough of her own shit to be dealing with, can we just keep it between us for now" softly as he looked at Ian. Mickey didnt want her to know because he was afraid she would judge him for being so weak. Ian knew Mandy wouldnt judge but didnt push it replying "sure whatever you want" softly.

 

* * *

 

 

Mandy woke up not knowing where she was and it took a few minutes for her to realize she in the sofa bed in Ian's apartment. She still wasnt sure if she did the right thing coming back to Chicago as she felt like she was intruding on Ian and Mickey. She knew something was off with the two them and she didnt know how to tell them or where to start with asking them.

She also didnt want the attention drawn back to her as to why she was suddenly back in Chicago. She had yet to tell Mickey and Ian that she moved around from place to place for the last nine months before she decided to come home. She also felt like they didnt want her here so she made a point to get somewhere else to stay by the end of that day. She got up and went for shower and got dressed with some clean clothes that were in her bag beside the sofa bed.

She made some coffee and toast and sat at the table thinking maybe she should come clean about things to Ian and Mickey. She heard them both getting up and made more toast and fresh coffee. A few minutes later Ian walked into the kitchen when Mandy quipped "I made breakfast" softly as she looked at him. He sat beside her after getting a glass of water replying "thanks but you didnt have to" and took his meds before eating some toast.

Ian looked at her adding "still glad your back though, how come it wasnt sooner" curiously. She paused wondering how long Mickey would be but she didnt have to wait long as he walked into the room and got some coffee before sitting at the table and grabbing some of Ian's toast. Ian glared at him and Mickey just raised his middle finger at him to which Ian just laughed. They fell into silence before Mickey asked "the fuck did you come back to this shithole for" curiously.

Mandy looked down at her hands around her cup of coffee thinking she just needed to say it but she didnt know how. Ian saw she was hesitant and looked a bit scared so put his hand on her arm replying "its okay, you can tell us" softly. Mickey being Mickey just added "did you fucking murder the guy or something" firmly. Mandy looked up not able to say anything hating that he just guessed. Mickey further added "you didnt" as he looked at her.

Mandy looked away muttering "shit" as she struggled not to let the tears fall from her eyes. Ian ignored Mickey as he sat closer to Mandy replying "its okay he cant hurt you, tell us what happened" softly. Mickey kept watching his sister but didnt say anything wondering what the fucked happened while she was away. Mandy mumbled "dont hate me" as she looked at Ian. Ian moved his chair closer to her and hugged her replying "we wont" softly.

Mandy bit back the sobs that threatened to overtake her and she couldnt stop shaking as she replayed the events that led to her going on the run for nearly a year. When she calmed down a bit she looked at the cup in her hands replying "three months after we left Kenyatta got me pregnant, I had an abortion, stole money to pay for it but he found out a few weeks after, one of his work friend's saw me leave a clinic and told him, he came home that night and beat the shit out of me and raped me" as she violently shook in her seat.

Ian hugged her again and Mickey looked furious and sat there wishing he had let Ian stab the fucker in the throat that day over a year ago. Mandy glanced up at her brother and Ian before adding "he stormed off and came back three days later drunk and tried it again but I was ready and broke a bottle over his head a few times, I dont even know if he is alive, I ran that night, been running ever since" softly. It was the first time Mickey spoke with "the fucker is probably still alive and if he isnt then he fucking deserved it, the piece of shit" icily as he felt even more guilty for letting Mandy leave.

Ian rubbed his hand up and down her arm soothingly as he asked "what hapened after that" curiously. Mandy softly smiled but it was as quick as it was there before she replied "moved around a few times, didnt stay too long in one place, a few weeks at most, stole money and food when I needed it" as she shrugged her shoulders. Mickey didnt like where this was going but Ian asked "where did you stay" curiously.

Mandy thought about lying but she knew she couldnt, they would both see right through her, she always hated that they could especially Ian. She looked at Ian replying "if I had enough I might stay in a motel but I mostly just walked around all night, you dont get much sleep on the streets, safer if you dont" softly. Mickey whispered "fuck Mandy" as Ian said "why didnt you call me" curiously.

Mandy bitterly laughed replying "and say what, can I come home, my asshole ex-boyfriend raped me after he found out I aborted his child that he said wasnt his and left me for dead before I left him for dead, like that would fucking work" icily. Mandy blurted out "it was like Terry again" not hiding the disgust in her voice. Ian froze knowing what she meant when Mickey looked at her "the fuck does that mean" with a confused expression.

Mandy and Ian looked at each other knowingly which pissed Mickey off when he said "if you got something to say then fucking say it" angrily. Mandy looked down at her hands again replying "the first time you landed in juvie Terry mistaked me for mom and raped me, I ended up pregnant but Ian raised the money for me to have an abortion even though Terry tried to kill him" softly.

Ian looked at her replying "fucker thought it was me until Mandy pulled a shotgun on him and told him to back off, that it was Terry that got her pregnant and if he tried it again she would pull the trigger on him and then he left me alone" before he looked at Mickey. Mandy softly smiled at Ian wishing she never left the one person who always had her back no matter what.

Mickey was too angry to say anything, he wanted to march back to southside and confront his father and shoot the fucker the face and watch him die a slow painful death for what he did to him, Ian and Mandy. Mickey abruptly stood up muttering "I'm going to fucking kill him once and for all" angrily as he stormed off the find the gun he gave to Ian in his room. Ian sighed as Mandy asked "the fuck is his problem, he's been weird since I came back" curiously as he looked at Ian.

Ian looked up at her replying "not my story to tell Mandy" softly as he shook his head. Ian added "I'm going to stop him, I dont want him going to jail" before he stood up and went to his bedroom. Mandy stayed were she was wondering what the fuck happened since she had been gone and before she left.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian walked into his room to see Mickey sitting on the edge of his bed with the heel of hands rubbing his eyes and noticed there was gun beside Mickey. Ian sat beside Mickey putting his arm over his shoulder asking "are we going to kill him" curiously. Mickey sighed as he leaned into Ian replying "I fucking want to and I should but I aint fucking going to jail over the asshole no matter how much he deserves it" as Ian tighted his grip on him.

There was silence before Mickey asked "who the fuck does this shit seriously" angrily as he rested his head on Ian's shoulder. Ian knew Mickey meant what kind of a parent rapes their own children and he really didnt know replying "I dont fucking know" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence when Ian asked "you want to tell her" curiously. Mickey knew what he meant replying "I dont know but just give me a fucking minute before I go back out there" softly as he looked at Ian.

Ian nodded before getting up and leaving the room knowing Mickey needed space right now. Mickey watched Ian leave the room before he pulled up his sleeve looking at the healed up cuts he made on his arm weeks ago and he felt the urge to do it again. It was always the same thing that drove him to hurt himself, it was when he felt worthless, everytime someone hurt him, made him feel like he was nothing but a piece of shit that no one loved.

Mickey rubbed over the healed cut with his hand letting out a deep sigh trying to take in deep breaths. He hated that his father always drove him to this, drove him to this place where he felt so worthless, weak and powerless that all he could do was take his anger out on himself. He wanted to so badly but he was tired of letting his father have this much control over him to the point where he hurt himself because he thought he deserved it.

Mickey remembered the questions his therapist told him to use when he got to that point of hurting himself. He laughed when he first heard it but something in him told to try it, to let himself feel what needed to feel in the moment rather than pushing it away and ignoring it. He also laughed when his therapist told him to try and figure out why he wanted to hurt himself, how it made him feel when he did it, how he felt after and then was the thing that made him want to hurt himself worth hurting himself over.

He took a deep breath letting himself feel the rage and anger towards his father, his anger towards himself for letting it happen. Mickey knew why he was angry, he wanted to hurt himself because he thought he deserved it. He was angry that he couldnt stop Terry having him raped at gunpoint after beating up Ian and then forcing him into marrage he never wanted. He was angry that he just went along with it despite Ian's pleas not to do it.

He closed his eyes as he thought back to the last time he cut himself and he felt like he released all the pent up rage, anger and disgust and hatred he felt towards himself. He thought if hurting himself again would be worth it and he decided that it would, it would release all the built up energy he had inside as he looked around the room for a sharp object.

Mickey couldnt find anything to cut himself with and considered going into the bathroom but he knew there would be nothing in there and and Ian and Mandy were in the kitchen so a knife was not an option. Mickey sighed in frustration before he punched the wall hard with his fist not caring about the rush of pain he felt. If anything the pain made him fucking feel something other than anger and pain and rage.

He was broken from his thoughts whne Ian came into the room closing the door behind him and noticed the dent in the plaster on the wall before he looked at Mickey who was pacing around the room. Ian stood in front of his grabbing his shoulders when Mickey mumbled "its not working" softly as he looked to the ground in defeat. Ian was confused asking "whats not working" curiously.

Mickey looked at him replying "I tried Ian, what she told me to do when I get to this point, I cant do it" in a broken tone. Ian knew what he meant as he hugged Mickey replying "she said it might not work at first but you have to keep trying, how far did you get" curiously. Mickey sighed replying "all the way to the last question, yes it does fucking make me feel better, I'm that sick bastard that hurts myself to fucking feel better" angrily.

Ian hugged him tighter replying "its going to take time she said that" softly as he felt Mickey relax against him. Mickey sighed replying "just fucking hate my life, hate everything including me, just wish I could get the fuck away from here" softly not really aware of what he just said. Ian stepped back not able to hide the hurt on his face asking "so what are you saying, you want to leave" and hesitated before adding "you wanna leave me" softly.

Mickey sighed in frustration replying "I dont fucking know okay" caught between the feeling of pushing Ian away and also wanting him close at the same time. Ian slightly shook his head in disbelief replying "I thought we were over this, you said you wanted me back and now youre saying you fucking dont" angrily. Mickey sighed again in defeat as he sat on the edge of the bed looking at Ian replying "we are and I do but its probably safer if you leave, at least then my dad will kill me and you'll be fucking safe this time, unlike fucking last time" softly. Ian scoffed in disbelief replying "fuck you, thats my choice to fucking make, not yours so fuck you asshole" angrily as he glared at Mickey.

Mickey quietly laughed to himself replying "like you gave me a fucking choice, you made the decision for me asshole, not so fucking nice is it" angrily. Ian flinched knowing Mickey was right, it did hurt and it fucking sucked and he hated that he made the choice for Mickey as he replied "it was wrong of me to do, I'm sorry" softly. Mickey's anger defleated hating that he was lashing out at Ian again as a silence fell in the room. Ian quietly looked at Mickey who was looking at the floor before he said "if you want to leave me you can, I wont be mad, I'm giving you an out" softly.

Mickey scoffed slightly shaking his head replying "if you want to dump me just fucking do it, I've been through fucking worse than you" angrily. Ian groaned running his hand through his hair replying "I dont fucking want to break up with you but it sounds like you do so make your fucking mind up and tell me what the fuck you want" angrily. Mickey looked at he floor again slightly shaking his head before looking at Ian replying "I dont, I meant it when I said I wanted you back" firmly.

Ian sighed before he moved to kneel down in front of Mickey asking "so why the fuck do you keep pushing me away" resting his hands on Mickey's knees as he looked at him. Mickey bit his lip as he looked off to the side not wanting to tell Ian but he knew he had to as he hated that they were so close to breaking up again because of his inability say what the fuck he was feeling.

This was hard for him, he was so used to being closed off from everyone and feeling like what he thought and felt didnt matter. Also nobody cared about enough to ask and he never cared to tell them either. But seeing Ian's pleading expression he knew had to do something or he would lose Ian for good this time. He didnt want to lose Ian so him feeling weak for saying what felt didnt matter this time, he realized Ian cared enough to keep asking, to keep pushing and chipping away at those thick walls Mickey had spent years reinforcing around him.

Mickey sighed again replying "I dont fucking know why, i just, I was always taught that talking about how you felt made you a weak, its just fucking hard" as he rubbed his face with his hand. Ian remained silent as Mickey remained silent before looking at him adding "its scares me, your in too deep and I fucking hate it, I trusted you and you fucking hurt me by throwing me aside like I was a piece of fuck garbage" with a hint of anger in his voice. Ian softly replied "I'm sorry for that" genuinely.

Mickey softly laughed replying "I beat the shit of you that day at the abandoned buildings and you still came back, I would have been fucking long gone" in a whisper. Ian looked at him replying "you really hurt me that day, I know I probably should have walked away but I didnt want to, I pushed you into it" softly. Mickey scoffed in disbelief replying "you didnt, okay maybe you did but you didnt deserve it, I only did it make you go away and leave me alone, but it didnt work and I regret it every fucking day and I'm fucking sorry for it" genuinely.

Ian nodded his head replying "apology accepted" as he looked at Mickey. Mickey looked at Ian grabbing by the back of the neck with his hand replying "I'm just scared to let you in again, scared your going to decide you can fucking do better and leave me again, I was fucking pissed at you for months after it" not hiding the hurt in his voice. Ian looked down not hiding the hurt on his face as he replied "I know but I dont want anyone else, I regretted it every day and I know you probably hated me for a long time" softly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian before replying "its going to take time to trust you again, you were the only person I ever fucking trusted, the only person I never thought would hurt me and you did and I know you did it because you thought I deserved better but it still fucking hurt Ian" not hiding the hurt and anger in his voice. Ian sighed replying "we both hurt each other but we can get past it right" in a hopeful tone.

Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian replying "suppose so" softly. Ian asked "you still want me to leave" curiously. Mickey slightly laughed replying "no I fucking dont but with Terry walking the streets again it might be for the fucking best" softly. Ian knew where he was coming from replying "if Terry wants to find me he will, isnt it better he finds us both at the same time, more of a chance against him right" curiously.

Mickey laughed again replying "I dont fucking know maybe, with a bit luck he'll get shot on a gun deal or something" before biting his lip. Ian softly laughed replying "hopefully" in agreement. Another comfortable silence fell when Ian asked "you really want to let him win again by having me leave" curiously. Mickey looked at him replying "fuck no" angrily. Ian softly laughed as he leaned forward to hug Mickey and tightened his grip on him when Mickey hugged him back just as hard.

Mickey rested his head on Ian's shoulder adding "but I dont hate you, never fucking could and I tried to after you dumped me but couldnt" not adding your the only good fucking thing to ever happen to me. Mickey sighed as he blurted out "I still fucking love you Ian, I tried to stop but I cant, I need you too much" firmly not caring that he said all of that because it was the truth and he was already spilling everything else out of his mouth since he couldnt stop himself.

Ian grinned as he looked at Mickey but toned it down a bit by biting his lip before replying "I love you too and I also need you too much so no I wont be leaving again, youre stuck with me forever Milkovich" softly. Mickey laughed replying "yeah, sounds fucking good to me, think I can live with that" firmly as he looked at Ian. Ian hugged him again tightly as Mickey wondered just what he ever did to get someone like Ian in his life.

Mickey barely even tolerated himself and certainly didnt love himself either. It was more self loathing and hatred that Mickey felt for himself and because he figured everyone else hated him then he needed to hate himself too. But with Ian it was different. Ian ignored what everyone else said about Mickey and even ignored Lip's attempts to convince Ian he could do better.

Ian didnt think he could do better, he had already found perfection or close to it and it was enough. Mickey sighed resting his head on Ian's shoulder breathing in Ian's smell thinking that no matter how much he hated himself, he loved Ian even more. So much that sometimes he forgot what hating himself felt like for a few minutes.


	14. Deep within me life's crawling away and wasting my days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter for this one, sorry. It just wrote itself.

When Mickey was ready he and Ian went back out into the kitchen where Mandy was still sitting at the table with another cup of coffee that she just made. As they sat down Mandy asked "you going to kill him" curiously as she looked at him. Mickey looked at he table letting out a bitter chuckle replying "I kind of wish you had of killed him that day but then he isnt fucking worth rotting in prison over so maybe thats why I fucking wont" softly.

Mandy replied "what about Svetlana, you think he knows you left them" curiously. Mickey shook his head replying "fuck knows, Iggy said he knows I'm not there but thats it and you can fucking bet she will hang me out to dry" icily. Mandy paused before replying "he'll fucking kill you for it, why did you marry her anyway" curiously. Mickey looked at Ian and they exchanged another knowing look which Mandy noticed and she wondered was there more to Mickey's marrage than what she thought.

Ian told Mickey "you can tell her if you want" softly. Mickey looked away from Ian keeping his gaze on the table as he told Mandy "he uh....shit I cant do this" softly. Mickey ran rubbed his face with his hand before looking at Ian adding "he caught me and Ian fucking in the living room, he came back early, he wasnt meant to be back for three days but came back early" softly.

Mandy looked at them confused replying "fuck" in a whisper. Mickey remained silent trying to push away the flashes of that day in his memory as he felt the panicing feeling take over him again and his breathing became more shaky. Ian noticed and took Mickey's hand in his when Mickey looked over at him adding "he beat the shit out of Ian and me and then called for a prostitute to come and fuck the gay out of me at gunpoint" firmly.

He fell silent and scoffed adding "guess it didnt fucking work did it, did he not think I fucking tried to be straight" icily. Mandy whispered "shit" as she made the connection. It all made sense to her now, Ian's questions about the wedding, Mickey's moodiness before it and why Ian left for the army. She really hated that she was so out of the loop with her best friend and brother. She looked at Ian asking "why didnt you tell me I could have helped you" softly with a hurt expression.

Ian looked at her replying "sorry but it wasnt my secret to tell and I really wanted to but I couldnt" not hiding the guilt on his expression. Mickey finally looked at her replying "its my fault, I made him not say anything" firmly. A silence fell as Mickey looked at the table adding "he told me she was pregnant and that I was marrying her that if I fucking didnt he'd kill Ian" softly.

He looked at Ian adding "couldnt let that happen" as he softly smiled at Ian and Ian tightened his grip on Mickey's hand. Another silence fell before Mandy blurted out "explains why you wanted nothing to do with Svetlana or the kid, dont fucking blame you, if I'd known I wouldnt have been such a bitch to you about it" softly. Mickey looked at her replying "dont worry about it, besides its probably not even mine, she was fucking Terry too, it was only a few weeks later he told me she was pregnant, wouldnt suprise me if it was his and he used it as way to force me into a marrage I didnt want" with a tired tone of voice.

Mandy looked at them asking "you think he will come after you again" curiously. Mickey scoffed retorting "you fucking know what he is like, he probably fucking will just out of payback" angrily. Mandy replied "okay so we get Iggy over here some guns and we'll be fucking ready for him this time, I pulled a gun on him before so I can do it again" angrily. Ian grinned and Mickey tiredly rubbed his eyes as Ian replied "way ahead of you, Mickey got the the guns just before you came back" softly as he looked at her. Mandy looked at him as she replied "good, fucker has to find us first anyway" as she shrugged her shoulder.

Mickey scoffed in disbelief adding "he will fucking find us, you know the contacts he has, you remember he found that guy that doubled crossed another guy he was doing a gun deal with, he fucking found the guy in Colorado and shot him for fucking up his gun deal and making him lose money, in three fucking states over Mandy, how the fuck do you find someone three states over" angrily as he glared at her.

Ian almost laughed and bit down on his lip at the outburst but Mandy noticed and they made eye contact to which Mandy just grinned back at Ian both of them with amusement in their eyes. Mandy looked at her brother rolling her eyes replying "oh come the fuck on, he found out who it was from the guy he done the deal with who told him it was his fucking supplier that fucked it up, he didnt just fucking close his eyes and point a finger at a fucking map to find out where he fucking was" angrily glaring at her brother.

Ian couldnt hold it and started laughing out loud and laughed even harder when Mickey glared at him. Mandy started laughing and Mickey gave up and laughed too replying "fuck you both" shaking his head in disbelief. They quietened down and a comfortable silence fell before Mandy replied "what I'm saying is he will only find out if someone he knows tells him that they saw you, but there is no point is sitting around worrying about it, you got to fucking live your life, stop letting him control you so much" firmly as he looked at her brother. Mickey was tired of talking as he replied "the fuck do you know anyway" with no heat in his voice.

Mandy glanced down before replying "I've been going to domestic violence meetings" not able to hide the shame in her voice. Ian looked at her in suprise replying "thats great Mandy and you shoudnt feel embarrased about it" sincerely with no judgement in his voice and seeing there was none in his expression she believed him and softly smiled at him in acknowledgement.

Mickey felt defensive asking "so its all women talking about men that beat on them" firmly. Mandy rolled her eyes at her brother replying "no, men be there too, they can be domestic violence victims too, just more shame around it so few admit it happens, turns out there is female versions of Terry out there too" softly. Mickey whispered "shit" as Ian mumbled "fuck" before they fell into silence. Mandy paused before adding "so we get the fuck on with our lives and if he finds us then he finds us, we deal with it then, I'm sure as fuck not sitting around waiting to see if he shows up or not" firmly. Ian looked at Mickey adding "she's got a point, I'd rather live my life" firmly.

Mickey looked between the two of them knowing they were both right but he couldnt push the fear away that Terry would come crashing through the door someday to kill them all. But at the same time he hated that his father was still controlling his life through fear and he wasnt even around Mickey to terrorize him. Mickey knew it was all in his mind but he had the two most important people to him in his life so he decided he would get on with his fucking life and stop living in fear of his father.  Mickey shook his head telling them "yeah me too" softly hoping he sounded more convincing than he really felt.

It took time but eventually the awkwardness Mandy felt when she first showed up in Ian's apartment began to disappear. It took her a while to let herself get close to Ian again especially when he told her he would never judge her and then they were back to how they were before Mandy left southside. She did notice that Mickey was still a bit closed off but she just wrote it off as Mickey being Mickey.

She knew he brother well enough to know that he didnt really talk about his feelings unless it was Ian he was talking to. They both had trust issues which was why she wasnt mad at him for talking to Ian instead. They both had Ian as a best friend and she was glad Mickey had someone like Ian in his life and she also knew he deserved to have that in his life.

She had tried looking for places to rent but couldnt find any she could afford and the ones she could afford were completely mould infested dumps. She was surprised when Mickey told her she could stay in his aparment since he always stayed at Ian's and he would pay her rent until she got a job and then she could pay it herself. She eventually got a job through Mickey's boss who owned another bar a few streets away from the one Mickey worked in and she accepted the job straight away. It also wasnt far from her new apartment that paid good money, enough for her to rent Mickey's apartment on her own now that he lived with Ian.

It was the first time since she had been back that she didnt regret coming back, she just regretted not coming back sooner. She was also glad of the space to herself but between work, her domestic violence meetings that she found in the area and spending some time with Ian and Mickey when they all had free time at the same time she wasnt lonely at all.

 

* * *

 

Mandy came home to her apartment after coming home from work and went to bed but she couldnt sleep. She didnt know if it was the energy in the bar all night that had her feeling like she could run a marathon she had that much energy. Instead she lay there in darkness thinking about the past year and she realized she felt much stronger than she had before she left southside a year ago.

She remembered a conversation with one her friends at the bar where she worked who told her she was doing kickboxing classes for fun and she should join her sometime. Mandy rejected the idea because she figured she already knew how to fight, she grew up in southside so she needed to be able to defend herself. But she remembered her friend telling her that there is a difference between fighting and being able to take down someone twice your size with technique. The more Mandy thought about it the more she wanted to take her friend up on her offer.

The thought of being able to take down someone like Terry or her abusive piece of shit ex boyfriend gave her a new sense of strength she never knew she had. She also wished she was able to do that over a year ago or gotten Ian to show her some army moves at least, it would have saved her a whole world of trouble. But she was a Milkovich so she never really thought she needed anything like that at all, just the name alone was enought to make people cross the street to avoid her but she wasnt in southside anymore and with that she made her decision. She grabbed her phone off the table beside the bed and sent a message to her friend telling her she wanted in on the classes.

She put the phone down with a grin on her face before settling down to try and fall asleep. As she lay there she thought about her talk with Mickey and Ian where she said they needed to move on with their lives instead of waiting for something bad to happen. She hated that all the time she spent around Terry and her ex boyfriend that she lived in a constant state of fear. It was a life of an unsteady balance of trying to keep on the good side of her abuser but it was hard to do when the slightest mistake would set them off and it was her that bore the fallout.

 

* * *

 

Mickey woke up behind Ian in their bed with his arms wrapped around him after having another nightmare about Terry. He was trying so damn hard to move on with his life, to stop looking over his shoulder every five fucking minutes but he didnt know how to move on from the fear that his father would find him. The nightmares hadnt stopped and he tried to do what his therapist suggested. She called it lucid dreaming and told him he should try to manipulate the dream but it was hard to do. It worked at first and he managed to deflect Terry but the end result of either him or Ian ending up dead was always the same in the dream.

He pulled Ian closer to him rubbing his face in Ian's hair on the back of his head before softly kissing on the back of the neck. Waking up next to Ian was one of his favourite things in the world and he didnt know what he would do if he ever lost Ian again. He tried not to think about it but it was hard because when he tried to ignore it the thought got bigger and louder until he acknoledged it was there.

He sighed as he looked at the clock on the table beside the bed in front of Ian and noticed it was late in the morning. Even thought it was Ian's day off Mickey was suprised Ian was still in bed as he would normally be up and gone for a workout at the gym. Mickey decided to get up and went for a shower and got dressed before sitting beside Ian on the bed and pulling the covers down from his face to see him lying awake staring into space.

Mickey's stomach dropped as he put his hand in Ian's hair and Ian's eyes closed at the touch. Mickey looked at Ian asking "getting up anytime soon, your normally gone by now" curiously. Mickey didnt want to push as he knew Ian hated it when he nursed him so he knew he needed to tread carefully but he was lucky he got some advice from Dr Ramirez.

Ian silently looked at him before looking at the clock realizing he would have been up four hours ago but he just felt so tired and the news that Terry was out was also stressing him out completely. Mickey gently rubbed Ian's head as Ian lay there silently before he asked "can you get me my meds and some toast" softly. Mickey nodded replying "yeah I'll do that" softly before getting up to do what Ian asked.

Mickey closed the door behind him and walked over to the kitchen softly whispering "fuck" as he rubbed his face with his hand. He made enough toast for both of them and grabbed Ian's meds and a glass of water before going back into the room. He put the plate and the glass of water on the table beside the bed as Ian sat up against the headboard and took the meds off Mickey.

Mickey grabbed a slice of toast and took a bite before asking "this happen a lot" curiously. Ian silently took his meds with a drink of water and took a slice of toast before replying "no, think the meds might need to be changed, stress can be a trigger, I've been freaking out about Terry, that could be just making me feel off the last few days" before taking a bite of toast.

Mickey sighed replying "fuck Ian, why didnt you tell me, I told you I dont want you worrying about this shit" firmly. Ian nodded in agreement replying "I know but its hard not to, I know I should have told you but I know your freaking out too so I said nothing, I just thought it was a low day and it would pass, should have by now but I need to go and see if my meds need to be changed" softly. Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian replying "will you tell me next time, I dont want you stressing out about this, I do it enough for both of us" softly. Ian shook his head replying "I will but its hard not to and I know my triggers and when I start to feel off and I've been feeling off for the last few days" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian not knowing what to say but didnt want to push Ian more than he already had so he didnt push the issue. They both ate the rest of their breakfast in silence with the plate sitting in Ian's lap and when they finished Ian put the plate on the table beside him blurting out "I've been having the nightmares too" softly as he leaned back to look at Mickey.

Mickey sighed replying "about that day" curiously. Ian knew what he meant replying "yeah and that he finds us but I never get to you in time, he always kills you before I get to you and I hate it" softly as he looked up at the ceiling as his eyes glassed over. Mickey looked down at the floor hating that Ian was going through this replying "yeah me too only its I never get to you in time, fucking hate it so I do" softly.

Ian looked at him asking "you try manipulating your dreams like Ramirez mentioned" curiously. Mickey bit his lip before replying "try but sometimes it works and sometimes it doesnt, end result is alway the same" as he shrugged his shoulder. They fell into a comfortable silence before Ian blurted out "I'm having trouble doing what Mandy suggested we do, how can I get on with it when he is out there probably looking for us" softly.

Mickey scoffed in disbelief replying "fucking tell me about it" as he looked at Ian. Ian looked at him replying "I dont think she has done it either, she's trying but I dont think its as easy as she thought it was" softly. Mickey curiously asked "she said anything to you" softly. Ian shook his head replying "not really but just a few things she said makes me wonder" softly.

Mickey sighed replying "thats Mandy for you, says one thing but is thinking something different but she talks to you more than me but I'm glad its you she talks to" softly not hiding the hurt in his voice. Ian grabbed Mickey's hand replying "its probably harder for her to talk to you, your her brother, you both grew up in the same house so she wants to talk to someone that hasnt lived through that shit" firmly.

Mickey raised his eyebrow replying "yeah, well you must be fucking sick of listening to the both of us" sarcastically. Ian softly laughed replying "yeah well both of you have to listen to me so shut the fuck up" in a light tone. Mickey laughed playfully punching Ian on the shoulder replying "fuck you asshole" before grabbing the plate and empty glass of water off the table and leaving the room.

Ian watched him leave and then called his doctor to make an appointment before getting up and going for a shower and got dressed. They watched televison for a while before they went to see if Ian needed new meds or not.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was working the longest shift ever even though the bar was busy. He wasnt finished for another few hours and all he wanted was to be at home in bed with Ian doing anything other than sleeping or working right now. He rolled his eyes hating how domestic he had become and he knew his closeted past self would totally kick his ass right now.

His mood felt off tonight again, he just couldnt shake the feeling that someone was watching him and no matter how many times he looked around the room and carefully watched the busy crowd he couldnt shake that uneasy feeling. Everytime he kept looking at the clock the time seemed to drag slower and slower so he decided he was just going to stop looking at it.

Mickey was suprised when he turned down party favors from one of his customers who gave him some drugs now and again for free. But he figured it was because Ian was back in his life and helping him get his shit together. He also knew that the drugs and alcohol just made all the shit in head worse so he avoided both of them as much as he could with the exception of the odd beer and some weed.

Mickey felt like the last few weeks had been good, too good and he was waiting for it to come crashing down around him and he didnt care what Mandy said about moving on. He knew Terry well enough to that when he was humilated he got even with the person who humiliated him. Mickey knew that his coming out at the christening was a public humiliation for Terry and it put a target on the back of Mickey and Ian.

That night Mickey was forced to choose between losing Ian for good or living under his father's tyranny for the rest of his life so he made his choice and he chose Ian. Ian was right when he said that he wasnt free and Mickey didnt regret coming out that night but he just hated that Ian would be caught in the crossfire again. The fact the Mickey left Svetlana and the kid in southside was just an even bigger insult to injury because he insulted the family name and made Terry look bad.

Mickey scoffed to himself at the thought knowing that the only person who made Terry look bad was himself but Terry would rather blame anyone else than look at himself. Mickey hated that there was radio silence from Iggy over if Terry was looking for them, it wasnt enough for Mickey, he needed to know more. Mickey thought about putting more pressure on Iggy to find out more but he also knew that Iggy needed to play it smart if he didint want Terry to figure out that Iggy knew where Mickey and Ian were located.

But Mickey thought Terry was going to find out anyway but he didnt want Iggy involved in this mess, it was bad enough Ian and Mandy were already in the mess with him but he knew his brother wouldnt have it any other way. Mickey saw it was coming up to his break soon and he decided he would grab a glass of water since it was so hot in the bar and then call Ian. He didnt have to since just before his break Ian sat at the bar and ordered a juice from one of the bar tenders as he sat one of the seats at the bar.

Mickey grabbed a glass of water for himself before joining Ian on the other side of the bar. He put the glass on the bar and went to sit down but didnt get the chance to since Ian stood in front of him and pushed Mickey against the bar and stood right up against him as he kissed his boyfriend. When they stopped Mickey laughed replying "the fuck was that for" as he looked at Ian. Ian shrugged trying to hide his grin by biting his lip before replying "just fucking missed you" as he shrugged his shoulder.

Mickey scoffed replying "you fucking saw me a couple of hours ago" looking at Ian. Ian rolled his eyes replying "whatever" softly before slightly laughing. Mickey shook his head in disbelief at his idiotic boyfriend replying "your a fucking idiot" humoredly. Ian scoffed replying "but you still love me right" with a slightly raised eyebrow. Mickey narrowed his eyes at him before replying "I'm questioning it right now" humouredly.

Ian just laughed at him before sitting down in his seat and Mickey shook his head before sitting down in the seat beside Ian. Ian was looking off to the side as his attention was caught by some commotion on the other side of the room. When he looked back to Mickey he said "I do love you Ian, you know that right" not hiding the insecurity in his voice. Ian grinned at him replying "I know and I love you too" firmly.

Mickey grinned at Ian softly replying "good" before taking a drink from his glass of water. Mickey went to ask about the meds but decided not to at the last second but Ian noticed his hesitation asking "just ask" firmly. Mickey slightly laughed uncomfortably knowing this kind of thing is what led to their break up but he was just worried for Ian. Mickey looked down before looking at Ian asking "just wanted to ask about your meds, I'm just worried about you" softly hating that the insecurity was showing in his voice.

Ian grabbed Mickey's hand as he looked at him replying "slight adjustment, I should be fine in a few days when the new meds level out just once I stick to my routine, she told me to come in straight away next time and not leave it, to talk about whats bothering me and to not stress about it, I just didnt want to bother anyone and its hard not to stress about it" softly. Mickey smiled at him replying "good I'm glad and talk to me next time yeah or even Mandy" firmly.

Ian shook his head replying "sure" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence as they drank their drinks before Ian looked at Mickey blurting out "thanks for looking out for me, I know I never said it before, I didnt appreciate it then but I did today so thanks" softly. Ian didnt add that if Mickey hadnt of been there he probably would have just stayed in bed all day and left the doctor until tomorrow.

Mickey looked at him replying "no problem and thanks for fucking helping me out too" softly. Ian replied "sure" softly. Mickey scoffed blurting out "enough of this fucking girly feelings shit, I cant fucking deal with it" defensively. He added "I got to get back to work, you hanging around for a while" curiously. Ian laughed as he looked at Mickey replying "I'll wait" firmly. Mickey grinned at Ian as he stood up and grabbed the back of Ian's neck and kissed him again before going back to work feeling like the rest of his shift would fly by in no time.

Mickey turned out to be right, the rest of his shift flew by as he talked to Ian when he could and when he couldnt he saw Ian talking to some of the regulars that were always in the bar. When it was time to go home Mickey saw Ian waiting for him at the bar with a lustful grin on his face and Mickey shook his head as stood in front of him qupping "lets go fucking home and dont think I didnt see the way you were looking at me the last few hours you fucking perv" humoredly as he smirked at Ian.

Ian let his jaw slightly drop replying "was not" firmly but the look in his eyes said he was lying. Mickey scoffed shaking his head in disbelief replying "what the fuck ever" before turning and walking away towards the door. Ian laughed and followed him out on to the street throwing his arm over Mickey's shoulder blurting out "couldnt help it" softly. Mickey looked at him silently as he put his arm around Ian's lower back pulling him closer knowing he felt the same way about Ian.

Mickey had been sneaking glances at Ian all night but just wasnt as obvious about it as Ian was all night. As they turned the corner and were on the street where their apartment was Ian softly muttered "I had fun tonight, its been a long while since I had that" as he looked ahead. Mickey looked at Ian replying "yeah, thats good" softly. Ian stopped turning to face Mickey replying "yeah between getting stable and moving up here and then finding you again it was hard to enjoy things when you were gone, I missed you so much and I knew I fucked up and there was nothing I could do to change it, all I wanted to do was change it, take it back, to go back and take everything I said back but I couldnt" softly.

Ian looked down at his feet adding "all I wanted was a second chance to make things right and I got it and I'm so scared of losing it again, of going off the rails again and fucking everything up" as he rubbed his hands on Mickey's shoulders. Mickey grabbed Ian's hips looking at him replying "you wont fuck it up, you got me alright" firmly. Ian looked up at him with a small grin starting to form on his lips asking "really" in a broken tone of voice.

Mickey hated that voice so much and looked at Ian replying "really, get that into your fucking head alright" firmly. Ian softly laughed shaking his head before looking at Mickey replying "got it" with a soft smile on his face. Ian sighed replying "it was nice talking to them guys all night, they were nice, they asked me if me and you wanted to hang out with them sometime, think they know we're together, told them maybe so we swapped numbers" hesitantly.

Mickey pulled Ian closer to him replying "the whole fucking bar does, and I know those guys, had a few drinks with them and they're alright, so whats wrong" curiously. Ian shrugged before replying "I dont know, guess I'm afraid they will judge me for being bi-polar, my own family washed their hands off me so why wouldnt they" in a broken tone of voice and expression.

Mickey sighed looking at Ian replying "they wouldnt and you dont have to tell them, its not their fucking business, I shouldnt say it because its not my thing to tell but one of them has anxiety disorder, he tried to tell me I had it months before we met again but I wouldnt listen to him, in fact he helps me through the anxiety attacks if you arent there and he is" softly. Ian sighed replying "sounds like a good friend, I'm glad you have someone if its not me" softly.

A silence fell before Ian asked "how come you arent with him" hating that he was so insecure and it showed in his voice. Mickey didnt even blink knowing how insecure Ian was about his disorder as he replied "well he has a serious boyfriend who wasnt there tonight and I dont see him that way, I like him as a friend but thats it, youre it for me, always were ever since the day you attacked me with a fucking tire iron and Terry in the next room, that took fucking balls man" firmly as he kept his eyes on Ian.

Ian's face flushed with bits of red and Mickey laughed asking "that embarrasing to you" humoredly. Ian softly laughed replying "no, just suprised is all, think I'm just too used to everyone in my life walking away, they just see bi-polar and get the fuck out of there" softly. Mickey quickly replied "those people dont matter, I dont give a shit about the bi-polar, you know that" firmly.

Ian grinned as he looked to ground replying "I know" softly. Ian looked at Mickey adding "it was just nice to sit and talk to people and have fun and not have them look at me like I'm about to lose it and go do something crazy because I'm manic or not get out of bed for weeks" softly. Mickey softly smiled at Ian blurting out "well maybe when all this shit with Terry is over we can do something, its nice to have other people to talk to apart from Mandy" firmly.

Ian shook his head in agreement replying "yeah it is" softly. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey quipped "okay I'm going to fucking lose it if I have to stand outside in the freezing fucking cold any longer so can we go home now" slightly raising his eyebrow at Ian. Ian chuckled pulling Mickey closer to him replying "oh yeah" as he grabbed the back of Mickey's neck and leaned in to kiss his boyfriend.

When they stopped Ian looked at Mickey adding "well I can think of a way to warm you up" as he looked Mickey up and down. Mickey scoffed in disbelief knowing what Ian meant as he looked at Ian retorting "I'm sure you fucking can, now can we get the fuck home" firmly. Mickey raised his eyebrow at him suggestively blurting out "and you better fucking warm me up" as he looked Ian up and down with a smirk on his face.

Ian grinned and slightly laughed at Mickey before they silently walked the rest of the way to their apartment building. They got to the floor their apartment was on when they saw Iggy sitting outside the door bloody and bruised with a black eye.

They quickly walked up to him as Iggy looked up at them blurting out "he fucking knows Mickey" firmly. Mickey and Ian looked at each other knowing Iggy meant Terry. Mickey ran his hand through his hair muttering "fuck" thinking this is moment it all comes crashing down and he hates that he is right again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said that Ian would be completely stable as I didn't want to write about bi polar as I know nothing about it. But I did some reading where I found out that stress and traumatic events can be a trigger for an episode. I also saw a documentary on bi-polar where one of the people on it said even though she is on her meds and stable that she can sometimes feel a change in her mood that can last for days before an episode happens and its usually means its time for a med adjustment. The reason I wanted to do it was because I felt it was realistic for it to happen and I wanted to add some more layers to Ian too, he is still human and that day with Terry catching him and Mickey affected him too. I was trying to show its affected him so much that now it affects his stability but because he knows his triggers and when the meds stop working that he can make the changes in his meds with his doctor. So I hope I wrote this in a believable way and didn't get it all wrong either. I hope I got it right and that its not wrong. 
> 
> Also I know Mickey wouldn't tell Mandy about Terry having him raped. But I thought that he would tell her about what happened to him and Ian because she was also raped by Terry and the three of them are victims. Mickey decides to tell her because he wants to give her some comfort that she wasn't the only one abused and violated by Terry in a sexual way. And I know that I have portrayed Terry in Mickey's mind as larger than life and that his dad can find him anywhere. But when you have PTSD and anxiety its very easy for things to build up in your mind and you exaggerate things because you just overthink everything and always come to the worst case scenario. It almost borders on paranoia even if it isn't realistic or logical to anyone else that doesn't have PTSD or anxiety. At least that was what my experience was so I put it into this for Mickey.


	15. There's a place far below the darkness deep within

Mickey paced the floor in Ian's apartment with a bottle of beer in his hand as Ian and Iggy sat on the sofa watching Mickey get angrier by the second. Ian knew Mickey well enough to know that he was freaking out more by the second and working himself up into another panic attack as the thought of his father finding out Mickey left southside. Ian wanted to reach for his boyfriend but he knew that it would just make Mickey snap and lash out so he stayed where he was in his seat.

Mickey snapped "we need to call Mandy, get her over here" firmly as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration. Ian called Mandy and told her to come over that it was urgent and when he hung up the phone he told Mickey that she was on her way as she just finished work. They waited in silence until Mandy arrived and Ian let her into the apartment. Ian sat back down and Mandy sat beside him asking "the fucks up with you assholes, whats the big emergency" as she looked between the three men in the room.

Mandy hoped it better be fucking good because she was tired and was looking forward to going home and going to bed until they called and told her to come over to Ian's apartment. Mickey was standing over by the window looking out into the night trying to calm his anxiety down when Iggy looked at her as he told her "dad knows Mickey left southside, he's looking for him" firmly.

Mandy's jaw dropped as she looked over at Mickey blurting out "fuck how did he find out" curiously. Iggy looked over at Mickey before telling them "he overheard Frank running his mouth in the Alibi one night about how Mandy and Mickey fucked off because they had enough of being under the thumb of Terry Milkovich and he couldnt fucking blame them" softly.

Iggy paused before looking at Ian telling him that "Frank also told him that it wasnt a coincidence that you left after they did and that he wouldnt be suprised if Ian left with them, called you all a bunch of fucking traitors to the southside, thought you all could do better or some shit" firmly. Mickey who was now sitting on the windowsill finally snapped shouting "I'm going to fucking kill Frank Gallagher, should have fucking killed him when I had the chance" angrily.

Ian made eye contact with Mickey as he scoffed replying "should have fucking let you" angrily. Mandy shook her head asking "but everyone knows he talks shit, who the fuck would believe him" curiously. Iggy shrugged hs shoulder replying "he didnt at first but he asked some contacts he had in prison if Mickey was there and they said he wasnt, guess he fucking believed Frank especially after Svetlana said she didnt know where you were" firmly.

Mickey glared at his brother asking "the fuck did that bitch say" icily as he stood up to pace the room again. Iggy sighed replying "she tried to stay out of it, just said she didnt know where you were, he threatened to kill her and her kid slowly if she didnt say where you were, she said she didnt know and her words not mine but she told him she hadn't seen piece of shit husband in over a year and that she thought you left, he beat the shit out of her for it anyway" firmly.

Mickey shook his head not feeling one bit surprised at Svetlana told Terry blurting out "that bitch never liked me anyway, so what the fuck did you tell him" angrily. Iggy glared at his brother replying "didnt tell him anything just that I hadnt seen you around in a while so I thought you were in prison but he still beat the shit out of me for it" angrily.

A silence fell before Iggy blurted out "thought it was because he figured out I'm setting him up on his next run for guns and drugs next week, its a big payload and its also a cover for smuggling illegal sex workers into the country so today I made an anonymous tip to the supplier that Terry is setting him up, I know Milkovich's dont snitch but depserate times, desperate measures right and the fact he is still on parole will add to the jail time right" before slightly laughing to himself.

A silence fell before Iggy grinned as he added "also got Carl in place to make an anonymous phone call to the cops about a disturbance at the warehouse where the meet is happening" looking really pleased with himself. Ian and Mandy looked at Iggy in shock while Mickey looked ready to kill his brother as he snapped "are you out of your fucking mind" as he glared at Iggy.

Iggy just laughed replying "fucking chill bro will you" softly. Mickey glared at his brother as he retorted "you dragged Ian's fucking brother into it" angrily. Iggy rolled his eyes replying "look he helps me move some drugs and our name keeps the other dealers away from him, I'm looking out for the kid and he is the only I trust to do this" firmly. Mickey was too angry to say anything even when Ian asked "when did that happen" curiously.

Iggy looked at Ian replying "a few months after you left he got in some shit with one of the dealers over territory, he didnt know Mickey was gone for good and came to house, he told me what happened so I helped him out and we're friends now" before shrugging his shoulder. Mickey couldnt hide his confused expression so asked "why the fuck would you do that" curiously.

Iggy rolled his eyes looking at Mickey replying "seem to remember you saying Ian was fucking family, well he still is or was even after you broke up plus the kid talked about him a lot" before falling silent. Iggy looked down as he muttered "plus I missed Ian and the kid is a lot like him" softly. Ian scoffed as Mickey shook his head in disbelief as he blurted out "what the fuck" in a whisper.

Mandy laughed as she looked at Iggy adding "youre a fucking weirdo" firmly. Iggy raised the middle finger at her replying "fuck you, I missed when all of us would get high together alright so fuck off" defensively. Ian laughed as he looked at Mickey and then Iggy before replying "think I was manic at the time but it was good and thanks for looking out for my brother" softly. Iggy felt uncomfortable so just replied "well had to make sure the kid didnt get fucking killed" dismissively but they all saw through it.

Another silence fell before Ian asked "you think it will work" curiously. Iggy scoffed as Mickey laughed and looked at Ian replying "the cops have been trying to pin Terry for fucking years, Iggy's tip is the fucking payload for them, the fuckers will be all over it hoping to be the one fucking finally jail Terry for good so they can get a fucking promotion" firmly. Iggy added "the Milkovich name is probably like the winning the fucking lottery for them especially putting Terry away for life" before laughing. Mickey stood in front of them all looking at Iggy replying "if he finds out he will fucking kill you" firmly.

A silence fell as Iggy glared back at him replying "did what I needed to do to save all our asses especially when he eventually finds out I know where you all are" firmly. Mandy muttered "he's going to kill us all so what the fuck do we do now" softly. Ian sighed replying "we lay low for the next few days, evade the enemy and all that shit right" softly. Ian looked at Mickey and saw the rising panic in Mickey's eyes and he just hoped Terry would get caught.

Mickey sighed before he looked at Iggy asking "how many know about this deal going down, he's going to know its you" firmly. Iggy shrugged his shoulders replying "just Terry, his supplier and the guy he is making the deal with plus that guy's supplier, I'm not in on it so I'm in the clear" firmly. Ian looked at Iggy asking "so how did you find out" curiously.

Iggy slightly laughed replying "a few days ago he thought I wasnt home but I was in my room and overheard him talking about the whole deal on the phone then followed him to meet the guy he was dealing with, fucking idiot forgot to always check he isnt being followed" before laughing to himself. Mandy smacked Iggy over the head replying "your the fucking idiot, he'd fucking kill you if he found out you followed him" as she rolled her eyes.

Mickey scoffed adding "yeah well what the fucker doesnt fucking know wont fucking hurt him" tiredly. Mickey sighed as he rubbed his face with his hand before walking into Ian's room and slamming the door shut behind him. Iggy watched him leave asking "the fucks up with him" curiously. Mandy shrugged "fuck knows think dad looking for him has something do with it" softly. Ian nodded in agreement but remained silent as he tried to figure out what they should do next.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey sat on edge of the bed leaning forward with his head in hands hating that his worst fears were coming true. He thought if Terry didnt kill him he would drag him back to southside and make him be the loyal husband to Svetlana under the threat of bullet between his eyes and Ian's too. Mickey sighed rubbing the tears out of his eyes muttering "fuck" in a shaky tone of voice. Mickey felt the anxiety building in his chest and the panic starting to take over as he scratched the healed cut on his arm trying to dig his nails deeper to make it bleed.

His breathing became shallower as he felt himself lose control. He tried the calming techniques but they werent working as he wondered why the fuck werent they working. All Mickey could think of was Terry coming crashing through the door and making his life hell until the day he died. Mickey looked around the room feeling like he couldnt breathe as he dug his nails deeper into the skin on his wrist.

Mickey thought the only way out this was to either run or kill himself because he didnt want to life a life under the thumb of his father anymore. Mickey had tasted freedom and he was not letting it go this time but he didnt see any way out. All he could think was that Iggy's set up plan would go wrong and Terry would be even more pissed off because he was set up and he would know it was Iggy behind the set up.

But Mickey knew if his father found him he would do much worse to him this time and he would also do worse to Ian too and Mickey couldnt let that happen. Mickey knew he needed to protect Ian at all costs but he just didnt know how, he didnt know how to get past the fear and paralysis that were taking control of his body and his mind. He hated that even though his father was miles away he still had control over Mickey.

Mickey felt a jolt of pain in his wrist and looked down to see his arm bleeding from the small scratches from his nails but it didnt give him the release he was normally got from seeing the cut or the blood. If anything it made him more frustrated so he scratched harder as the voices in his head told him he deserved it and he was worthless and when his father found him he would deserve everything he got.

In his head the voices grew louder and laughed at him, taunted him, told him that even Ian and Mandy and Iggy were laughing at him on the other side of the door at his meltdown. Mickey couldnt stop the tears falling down his face as he felt like the world was caving on him, there was no stopping it, his father was coming to find him and then to kill him and Ian too.

Mickey was sick of those voices in his head telling them "just shut the fuck up, just fucking shut up" in a whisper. Mickey was so lost in his head that he didnt see Ian kneel down in front of him and grab his arms so he would stop scratching himself. Ian looked at Mickey with a concerned expression seeing the blank expression on Mickey's face but he saw the panic in his eyes and shallow breathing.

Ian grabbed Mickey by the back of the neck forcing Mickey to look at him. Mickey's eyes focued on Ian as he realized Ian was in front of him as he muttered "I cant fucking breathe, shit" in a whisper. Ian joined their foreheads together replying "just breathe with me" as he looked at Mickey. Ian moved his other hand resting in on Mickey's hip rubbing small circles with his thumb as their breathing started to even out and Mickey started to calm down.

They remained in silence for a few minutes before Mickey muttered "I'm so sick of this shit, I cant even go through a fucking a day without something setting me off" in a broken voice. Ian looked at him replying "it will take time" softly. Mickey scoffed in disbelief replying "doesnt fucking feel like it" still looking at he ground. Ian sighed replying "I was like that too a year ago, you just have to work at it even though its hard" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian replying "just too much shit Ian in my head, it never goes away, its always fucking there mocking me, taunting me, how the fuck do you escape something thats in your own fucking head" tiredly. Ian looked at him as he softly laughed replying "I dont fucking know but I know what you mean, feels like it will never go away" softly. Mickey looked back at the floor replying "I'm fucking losing it Ian, cant go anywhere without think I've seen Terry, he's in my fucking head all the fucking time and never shuts up" hating that he just blurted out all of this to Ian. Ian asked "you say anything to Ramirez" curiously.

Mickey sighed before looking at Ian replying "sort of said it before I could stop myself, was suprised she didnt write me off as crazy and put me in a fucking psych ward" softly. Mickey added "she said its auditory halluctinations and could be part of the PTSD caused by severe trauma, it can manifest at any time, so shouldnt I not be in a fucking nuthouse somewhere in a straight jacket and a fucking padded cell" in a broken voice.

Ian softly replied "not necessarily" as he looked at his hands. Mickey rubbed the tears from his eyes again adding "you going to fucking leave me now because you think I'm a fucking nutjob, the door's right fucking there" defensively. Ian knew Mickey was trying to push him away and he was lashing out because he hated showing weakness. Ian didnt care as he slightly raised his eyebrow looking at Mickey replying "than maybe I should be in there with you" humouredly.

Mickey slightly laughed looking at Ian replying "maybe you fucking should" in a light tone. Ian laughed replying "we're pretty fucking functioning, I mean look at Terry, he's a criminally insane psycopath and he's roaming the streets and doing alright" firmly. They both laughed before falling into silence when Mickey took a deep breath and sighed before asking "Mandy and Iggy still here, they probably fucking heard everything" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "no they didnt, after you came in here Mandy went home and took Iggy with her" softly.

Mickey shook his head replying "good, dont need them seeing or hearing this shit" softly. Ian silently looked at Mickey before replying "still not leaving you" as reassurance. Mickey wiped his eyes dry with the sleeve of his hoodie feeling glad of Ian's words replying "can we just go to bed, I'm tired" softly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah" as he kissed his boyfriend on the forehead.

They both stood up and got undressed and Ian turned out the light and climbed in behind Mickey wrapping himself around him and holding him tightly as they tried to slowly drift off to sleep. They lay in silence both of them knowing the other person was awake but they were lost in their own thoughts. As Mickey lay there silently in the dark he couldnt deny it to himself anymore that he was scared.

After his talk with Ian he tried to keep denying it but he couldnt hide it from himself anymore. For years he tried so hard to not feel fear never mind show it. At first he pretended he didnt feel fear but then one day he managed to convince himself that he didnt fear anything except his father. His father told him fear was for weak people and that weak people deserved to be trampled on and it was a kill or be killed world in Terry's mind.

He was a Milkovich and growing up he was told Milkovich's dont feel fear, they breed fear among other people. For a long time Mickey loved that people feared him. It kept people at a distance and stopped them looking beneath the surface and seeing who he really was. He would rather people saw him how he wanted them to see him or how his father thought people should see the Milkovich's.

While Mickey would never regret it or say it he felt like the one big mistake he made was falling for Ian and letting the redhead in past all those walls and fortifications he built up over the years. But he knew Ian pretty much just walked past all those defenses and fortifications like they were made of paper and there not a damn thing he could do to stop it. Mickey wasnt even sure that he wanted to stop it so he just let it happen.

When he was sure Ian had fallen asleep he turned around in Ian's grip and pulled Ian closer to him as he wrapped his arms around Ian and tried to get the thoughts in his mind to settle down so he could sleep. He just felt so tired but sleep wouldnt come. Mickey lay beside Ian just wondering why he wasnt allowed to be happy, why was his father so intent on making his life so miserable it wasnt worth living.

Mickey always saw his father as an emblem of death and destruction. There was no life at all whenever Terry was around, everything just faded away and died because he sucked the life out of it. Mickey felt like a ghost for most of his life, always there but living in the shadow of the monster that was his father. Mickey learned quickly that he needed to be able to survive in his father's toxic enviornment which meant that what he felt, needed and wanted didnt matter.

But as he looked at Ian he decided that his father could go to hell. Mickey wanted Ian and he was keeping him, the only problem was Mickey didnt know how to protect them both when his father found them both eventually. Mickey sighed hoping that the set up Iggy arranged would work because if it didnt Mickey didnt know what he would do. Mickey silently looked at Ian in the darkness deciding if his father did find them then he would protect Ian at all costs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do think Svetlana would also rat Mickey out, she never did like him anyway and made it clear what she really thought of him all the time.


	16. Come set me free from this oblivion

Mickey was at work again hating that he still had that uneasy feeling in his stomach that never went away since he found out his father was looking for him. Mickey really hated that the few weeks before that with Ian were so good, like so fucking good that he forgot just how much hated himself. Mickey didnt know how Ian managed to make him feel so good and like he was actually worth something to someone.

He just knew that Ian made him feel like he was worth something. If anything Mickey thought it was strange that Ian felt the same way about him, had the same thoughts of that sometimes he didnt feel worth something to Mickey. Mickey thought they were both broken in their own way but that brokenness made them glue together so much more and out that they grew even closer together.

Mickey felt like he had his best friend back and even better was now they were back to being in a relationship and it was even stronger than it was before they broke up. Mickey thought it was ironic that his father tried everything to keep them apart but it just made them want to be together even more. Mickey was working a shift in the bar and was on his break in the back room behind the bar.

He needed the space to be alone, there was too many people out in the bar and it was making him feel anxious and it helped that Ian had been texting him the whole time because it calmed him down. He sent a quick text to Ian before putting the phone down beside him not even trying to hid the grin on his face at seeing Ian later. Mickey didnt know how he managed to get through the last week since he found out his father was looking for him.

Mickey had been trying to pick up as many shifts as he could at the bar just to distract him from the thoughts in his head and the nightmares that was still having about his father. Even though Ian told him to take some time off Mickey didnt want to, he didnt want to put his life on hold anymore, he was finally fucking free and he was going to act like it. His anxiety attacks were still happening at work and he hated it.

He felt like people were starting to notice especially when he nearly punched a customer again the other night for grabbing him on the arm to order a drink. Mickey felt even more unsettled and off then he had before and he hated it plus he felt like he was slowly losing grip on reality. What bothered him even more was that Ian was the only one that could calm him down from a panic attack so it was hard not to have a full blown panic attack at work without calling Ian on the phone.

His phone buzzed on the table beside him and he looked at it to read another text from Ian telling him he was going to therapy and then work and would see him later after work. Mickey smiled to himself and rolled his eyes as he wanted to punch himself for the way Ian made him feel. Mickey saw it was time to get back to work and he wondered how long it would be until he heard about Terry.

Mickey felt nervous all day and he just hoped the stitch up that Iggy had planned worked. He just hated that Iggy was taking his time in getting back to Mickey and he couldnt stop thinking that it went wrong. That at the last minute Terry would find out it was set up and manage to escape before coming to find Mickey and kill him for setting him up. When Mickey finished work he went to his own therapy session but not without looking over his shoulder as he turned onto every new street hoping that he wasnt being followed by his father or one his father's contacts.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian was at work in the gym when he got a text from Mickey which made him grin even more than he usually did when at work. Ian had just started private personal training with clients on his own and was with a new client in a seperate room to the main gym who quipped "that my brother again, you fucking live together asshole so stop cutting into my time here" as she softly punched him on the arm.

Ian laughed as he put his phone in his pocket replying "fuck you Mandy" as he lightly shoved her with his hand. Mandy scoffed as she put the heavy weights back on the rack replying "you two are unbelievable" as she rolled her eyes. Ian shook his head before looking at her replying "anyway we are finished now, just some light stretching and we're done" firmly.

Mandy lay on the mat to do her stretching excercies as she asked "that was a hard one, you make these harder every fucking time asshole" with no bite in her voice. Ian softly laughed looking at her replying "your the one who came to me asking how do I get stronger" humoredly. Mandy scoffed knowing he was right replying "true" softly. Mandy silently finished her stretches before standing up when Ian asked "how's the kickboxing, you like it" curiously.

Mandy shyly smiled replying "its good, I like it, its nice to be able to defend myself, nice not to feel so weak you know" softly. Ian curiously asked "you tell Mickey yet" as he looked at her. Mandy shook her head replying "no him and Iggy would laugh, Milkovich's arent weak remember" with venom in her voice. Ian softly sighed hating that both Mandy and Mickey thought that anything outside of Terry's view of the world was considered weak.

Ian looked at her replying "its not weak Mandy, they wont think that, its good to be able to defend yourself, if anything it makes you stronger because then when shit happens you can defend yourself and take down a guy twice your size without breaking into a sweat while the other two end up with bruises all over the place and a few broken ribs" firmly. Mandy looked at her best friend as she softly smiled replying "good point loser but dont let them hear you say that either" firmly.

Ian laughed shaking his head at how both her and Mickey had the same defensive attitude when you hit a nerve they didnt want you to know was there. There was a silence as Ian finished filling in Mandy's progress sheet and put the sheet into the folder by the desk in the room. Mandy asked "Mickey say anything about dad, tried talking to him but its like talking to a fucking wall with him" firmly.

Ian turned to look at her replying "he didnt say much, just that he hopes Iggy's plan works, its probably killing him that he hasnt heard anything yet from Iggy" softly. Mandy looked at him replying "yeah, its hard for me too but I'm trying not to think about it, maybe he's doing the same" as she shrugged her shoulders.

Ian didnt tell Mandy about how Mickey was freaking out and his anxiety and nightmares had been bad all week and how he had a bruise on his stomach from where Mickey elbowed him hard during one of those nightmares. Ian looked at her replying "just hope it works, it has to" firmly.

They fell into a comfortable silence before Mandy asked "you coming back with me for some food" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "cant sorry, thought I might get a work out in before my therapy session so maybe tomorrow" softly. Mandy shrugged her shoulders replying "okay, some other time then" before hugging Ian tightly.

She stepped back adding "I'll call you later tomorrow and we'll meet up yeah" softly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah" as Mandy left the room.  Ian done his workout before he got his stuff together and left for his therapy session. 

* * *

 

 

By the time Ian got home he was so tired he just wanted to make food, eat it and go to bed. He walked the long way home because he felt so mentally drained that he just needed some time to himself to think things over that he talked about with his therapist. He shut his apartment door and let his bag fall on the floor before walking into the kitchen and noticed that Mickey wasnt in the apartment.

Ian went and got changed before cooking some food and putting it on a plate and grabbed his meds before he sat on the sofa to watch tv. Ian was just about finished eating and put the empty plate on the table and sat back against the sofa when Mickey walked into the apartment. Ian looked over at Mickey and grinned at him noticing that Mickey looked like he was in a good mood. Ian was just about to ask when Mickey sat on top of him with a leg on each side of him and grinned down at him.

Ian rested his hands on Mickey's thighs narrowing his eyes at him asking "you fuck someone up or something" humouredly. Mickey scoffed retorting "fuck you asshole" as he softly punched Ian on the shoulder. Ian softly laughed replying "whatever" as he pulled Mickey in for a kiss on the lips. When they stopped Ian sighed as he looked at Mickey adding "missed you today" softly. Mickey raised an eyebrow at him blurting "yeah me too" hating that he just admitted that.

Ian softly smiled replying "Mandy keeps giving me shit about it" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "that bitch can go fuck off" with no anger in his voice. There was a short silence before Mickey added "just came from Mandy's, we met up with Iggy" firmly. Ian's looked at Mickey as he remembered "shit that thing today, what happened" curiously. Mickey sighed replying "yeah a lot of shit went down, didnt go the way it was planned but it worked out alright" softly.

Mickey softly laughed in disbelief replying "Iggy got dragged into it, I will just tell you what he told me" firmly. Ian looked at him asking "how the fuck did that happen" curiously. Mickey bit his lip as he looked at Ian replying "Terry originally had two men he was taking but they got thrown in jail the other day so he made Iggy go with him because he didnt trust the guys to not double cross him so Iggy told Carl not to call the cops, anyway they went to the meeting place and long story short when the guys checked Terry's supply of drugs they saw that he was short in what he was supposed to be selling" before laughing.

Ian blurted "how the fuck did that happen" before laughing. Mickey shook his head in disbelief replying "Iggy hid some of it this morning before they left and I think Carl even stole some of it" humouredly. Mickey added "anyway the exchange happened but the guys he was buying the stuff off checked the drugs and realized Terry was short on what he was supposed to be selling so the other guys accused him of trying to con them because he didnt have the amount of drugs he was supposed to have and that he was setting him up, Terry hadnt a fucking clue and denied it but the guy he double crossed shot him and then they left as Terry was bleeding out on the ground with a bullet in the stomach" firmly. Ian looked confused as he asked "why did he not kill Iggy" curiously.

Mickey shrugged his shoulders replying "fuck knows but Iggy said the guy told him it was a warning that he wont be conned out of a deal" firmly. Ian sighed blurting out "fuck" softly. Mickey laughed before adding "thats not the best part, the best part is as he was bleeding out on the ground yelling at Iggy to get him help Iggy took his gun off him and told him that he knew where me, you and Mandy were and that me and you were living in northside together since last year when we both left, he just didnt tell him we had broken up, really pissed Terry off hearing that, wish I had of been there to see it" firmly.

Mickey happily sighed before adding "also told him that we were the ones that set him up and that we said good ridance too and just waited for Terry to stop shouting and struggling and just pass out and die, he made sure that Terry was actually dead before he called the cops on a burner phone and got out of there with Carl" firmly. They fell into silence before Mickey sighed as he silently looked at Ian running his hand through the red hair before replying "we're fucking free Ian, the bastard is dead" softly.

Ian's jaw dropped in shock as he sat up a little straighter pulling Mickey closer to him as he wrapped his arms around his boyfriends lower back. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand trying to get what Iggy told him straight in his head. Ian muttered "fuck, he really dead" softly. Mickey laughed again as he looked at Ian replying "fucking finally, I want to thank the fucking guy who shot him, the three of us just came back from identifying the body, its really fucking him on that table" before running his hand through his hair in relief.

Mickey fell silent as Ian watched him before asking "and the cops just let you walk" curiously. Mickey sighed before replying "well they have no reason to suspect us since it was what they said a drug deal gone wrong, they just wanted to know what to do with the body so we told them not our fucking problem" firmly. Ian laughed as Mickey rested his hand on Ian's shoulders and rubbed them down his arms as he looked off to the side.

Mickey looked at Ian as he laughed too before adding "fuck Ian, if I didnt see the body for myself I'd think it wasnt fucking true, part of me still thinks its not true and that he'll come straight through that door now" softly as he looked towards the door. Ian grabbed the back of Mickey's neck replying "its over, he cant hurt you anymore" firmly. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey replied "just got to get him out of my fucking head now" in a small voice. Ian looked at him replying "you will" softly.

Mickey paused before asking "is it weird that I dont feel anything but just relieved" softly. Ian shook his head replying "no it isnt, he didnt care about you so why should you give a shit about him" firmly. Mickey shook his head silently agreeing with Ian's words. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when Ian asked "how is Mandy and Iggy" curiously. Mickey sighed replying "think they are just relieved too especially Iggy, he thought Terry was going to set him up or get killed by the other guys, think we are just glad he is dead" softly.

Another silence fell before Mickey blurted out "just got to fucking worry about if Terry sent anyone after us" softly. Mickey felt panic start to rise in him as he stood up adding "shit, he probably fucking sent someone after us and now we got to deal with them, shit" running his hand through his hair. Mickey couldnt breathe again and he knew he just triggered himself into a panic attack as he started laughing hysterically muttering "knew it was too fucking easy" as he started to pace the room.

Ian quickly moved to stand in front of Mickey grabbing his shoulders as he looked at him telling him "youre spiraling, just breathe" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian as he tried to calm down and get his breathing under control as he grabbed Ian's hips with his hands replying "I'm sick of this shit" softly. Mickey looked around the room to try and ground himself and not get lost in his head before he hugged Ian tightly.

Ian hugged him back and Mickey sighed breathing in the smell of Ian before blurting out "I love you Ian" not adding that he didnt know what he would do if he lost Ian. Ian sighed replying "love you too" softly as he rubbed his hand up and down Mickey's back. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey leaned back to look at Ian asking "any food in here" softly. Ian softly laughed replying "made some stuff earlier, left some for you in the microwave" softly.

Mickey stepped back from Ian replying "good I'm fucking starving" before he walked over to the kitchen to grab the food that Ian cooked. Ian grinned and sat back down on the sofa as he watched Mickey go to get his food. They watched the tv in silence and while Mickey ate his food all he could think about was how much he wanted Ian physically. Now that his father was dead the only ghosts were the ones in his head and he wanted to get rid of them for good.

When Mickey finished eating he put his plate on the table in front of him before turning to Ian and looked at him asking "so uh we never did quite get to do what we were going to do when we came back from the bar" softly with a slightly raised eye brow. Ian narrowed his eyes at Mickey before grabbing his arm and leading him into the bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote a few different scenarios on how to get rid of Terry and this one was the one I preferred mainly because I wanted something different. I did write a confrontation scene but I didn't like it because it felt too much like the one in the show and I don't want to go near show at all if I can. Also I liked the idea of him getting stitched up and shot and then finding out it was Mickey that set him up and that Iggy knew where Mickey was all along, that really would finish Terry off for good and it would also be karmic too. He would be disgusted that his gay son set him up which would add insult to injury too. Considering Terry thinks gays are weak and effeminate it would never cross his mind that Mickey could be capable of something like this.
> 
> The next few chapters will be Mickey getting better so its not the end of the story yet. I also like the idea of Mandy getting stronger physically and mentally after being at the hands of abusers like her father and ex.


	17. I'm broken but yet we're still burning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-wrote this a few times to be honest but I preferred this one and wanted to put it up before the weekend.

The next morning Mickey woke up on his side facing Ian who had his arms wrapped tightly around him. Mickey tried to move a little but Ian just pulled him closer at which Mickey softly grinned at Ian who was still asleep. Mickey lay in silence as he thought over the last week and everything that happened with Terry. Mandy and Mickey didnt bother collecting the body or making funeral arrangements as they decided they werent paying for it and Terry's body could be dumped in an incinerator because they didnt give a shit about their so called sperm donor. Now that his father was dead Mickey wanted to face some other ghosts that he ran away from a year ago.

He wanted to go back to southside and walk back into the house that held so many bad memories apart from the good ones with Ian but they were the exception. Mickey quietly looked at Ian thinking about how close he came to losing Ian, the first time because of Terry, the second time because Ian thought Mickey didnt deserve to be burdened with Ian and his disorder.

The third time because Terry decided he still wanted revenge but luckily never got that far. Mickey was broken from his thoughts as he felt Ian softly kiss him on the lips before telling him "your thinking too much" softly. Mickey slowly became aware that Ian was now awake and staring back at him. Mickey looked at Ian replying "yeah well distract me then" as he shoved against Ian.

Ian softly laughed replying "I can do that after you tell me what your thinking" curiously. Mickey sighed knowing Ian would never let it drop before replying "I want to go back to southside to my old house, need to face my fears" softly. Ian thought about it before replying "sure thats a good idea, it wont trigger anything" curiously. Mickey thought about it knowing he discussed this with the therapist he was going to every week.

Mickey looked at Ian replying "I know some of my triggers and I need to be able to find them, all of them so I can learn how to deal with them and what happened in that house plays a large part of those triggers" softly. Ian softly smiled thinking it made sense as he replied "okay, want me to come with you" softly. Mickey wasnt going to ask that knowing that Ian had his reasons for leaving southside and wouldnt want to go back.

Mickey was surprised that Ian offered so he told him "yeah, but I didnt want to ask you because I know you dont want to go back there so you dont have to if you dont want to" softly as he rested his hand on Ian's hip under the covers. Ian tightened his grip on Mickey replying "I'm fucking going, anyway we dont have to go anywhere near my street, just once we get in and out as quick as we can" softly.

Mickey gently pinched Ian as he looked at him replying "cant fucking breathe" softly. Ian scoffed replying "dont care, I like this" softly. Mickey sighed as he rested his forehead against Ian's replying "yeah me too but I'd still like to be able to fucking breathe" softly. Ian laughed before loosening his grip on Mickey replying "happy now asshole" humouredly.

Mickey softly as he looked at Ian and laughed replying "now I fucking am" firmly. Ian rolled his eyes replying "so when are we going" curiously. Mickey looked at his idiot boyfriend replying "some time today maybe in the afternoon" softly. Ian grinned at Mickey with narrow eyes replying "getting up anytime soon" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes pulling Ian closer to him replying "fuck no" firmly. Ian laughed replying "yeah well I have to take my meds so I'll be back" softly.

Ian got up and left the room as Mickey wondered what would happen now that his father was dead and he wondered if his father sent word out about him to his contacts. Mickey hated that he was still afraid of his father even when his father was dead but also knew how far his father was willing to go to get revenge. Mickey was broken from his thoughts as he felt Ian get back into the position he was in before he went to take his meds.

Mickey looked at Ian before looking over his shoulder to see a plate of toast on the table beside the bed. Mickey grinned as he reached over grabbing a slice of toast as he looked at Ian "thanks" before eating the toast. Ian grabbed his own slice replying "didnt bring them for you asshole, I need to eat when I take my meds" as he rolled his eyes. Mickey scoffed as he looked at Ian replying "fuck you you didnt" before laughing. Ian shook his head as he punched Mickey on the shoulder before they ate their food in silence.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian and Mickey made their way to southside and didnt stop talking until they were standing in the alley by the Milkovich house. There was a silence as Mickey just quietly stared at the house not really sure how he felt about all of this being over with Terry finally dead. Ian was about to say something but Mickey beat him to it as he looked at Ian asking "lets go into the house" softly. Ian looked at him asking "you sure it wont trigger a panic attack" curiously.

Truthfully Mickey was scared but he knew he needed to do this and to move on he needed to face the place haunted his nightmares.  Mickey felt sick as the flashbacks of the day his father caught him and Ian in the front room flooded his memory.  But he took a deep breath reminding himself it was just a flashback and he was the one in control. 

Mickey thought about it before replying "no, I know my triggers and it will be good practise for my coping mechanisms, I talked about it with Ramirez, she thinks its a good idea" softly. Ian nodded replying "sure you want to go now" curiously. Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian hating that Ian seemed to be trying to talk him out of it replying "I understand if you want to leave, its got to be uncomfortable for you being here, I know youre trying to avoid your family but you dont have to talk me out of it either" softly.

Ian looked down at the ground with a soft grin on his face before replying "I'll be fine, lets go" as he nodded towards the house. Mickey softly smiled but hid it as he grabbed Ian's hand and led him around the back of Milkovich house and they went into the house through the back door. They walked in through the kitchen to see it was full of dirty dishes and empty beer cans and bottles of vodka on the tables and benches.

Mickey noticed someone in the living room but never got the chance to threaten them as Ian saw the person too and blurted out "Carl what the fuck are you doing here" firmly. Carl had heard someone coming in the back door and went to investigate when he saw Ian and blurted out "Ian when did you get back and where the fuck have you been" firmly. Ian ignored the question as Mickey asked "the fuck are you doing in my house" angrily as he glared at Ian's brother.

Carl looked at them both holding his hands up in surrender replying "chill the fuck out will you, I was looking for some guns to sell now that Terry is dead but they are gone, think Iggy already got rid of them, said he didnt want the cops raiding the place and finding them and throwing his ass in jail" firmly. Mickey scoffed as he relaxed replying "yeah dont fucking blame him" as he looked at Carl.

Carl looked at Mickey replying "yeah I know, you know I helped Iggy out" firmly. Ian looked off to the side hating that this happened, he didnt want to see any of his family. Ian was broken from his thoughts as Carl blurted out "I missed you Ian, where did you go" curiously not hiding the hurt in his voice. Ian looked at him noticing Carl's hurt expression as he replied "I left because you all saw Monica, I was a burden to all of you" softly.

Carl looked at Ian as he replied "not to me, I never thought any different of you, sometimes I think I'm crazy too but who cares right" as he shrugged his shoulders. Ian quietly shrugged his shoulders not knowing what to say but was surprised when his brother ran over to him and hugged him muttering "I'm glad youre back or are you leaving again" softly. Ian hugged him back before letting his brother go replying "I'm not back, I live somewhere else now with Mickey" softly.

Carl looked at them both asking "you back together" curiously. Ian nodded as Mickey looked at Ian replying "yeah but we only came back here because I forgot to get something when I left" evasively. A silence fell before Carl looked at them both not quite believing them but just replied "I knew you both skipped town, Terry was looking for both of you, he was going to kill you both, shouting out threats and everything to me" firmly.

Mickey blurted out "he ask around about us" curiously. Carl shrugged his shoulders replying "Fiona and Lip arent around much anymore, same with Debbie, he asked me one day if I knew where you were so I just said I didnt know, he asked Kev in the bar but Kev said he didnt know either but Svetlana said you left town, fucking bitch" angrily. Mickey looked at Ian blurting out "explains how he found out where we were" softly.

Carl looked at them replying "sorry I couldnt protect you better, I tried but its hard when I dont know where you are and its Terry Milkovich" softly. Mickey scoffed as he shrugged his shoulder replying "you did good, better off saying you dont know with Terry" firmly. Carl looked at Ian asking "you okay now" curiously. Ian nodded his head replying "yeah been stable and on meds for the last year" softly.

Carl looked at Ian replying "good" firmly. Ian was feeling uncomfortable before blurting out "think we are going leave now" softly. Carl faltered replying "oh okay, just thought you should know Monica is back so might not be good to stay if youre avoiding her" curiously. Ian sighed as he looked at Mickey not able to hid the hurt in his eyes. Ian rubbed his eyes with his hand before looking at his brother replying "all the more reason to leave, dont want her to see me and dont tell her I was here or that I left or where I am" firmly.

Mickey stepped closer to Ian putting his hand on Ian's shoulder hating that just word Monica was enough to send Ian off into a land of hurt and pain. Mickey glared at Carl asking "the fuck is she doing here anyway" angrily. Carl shrugged replying with hatred in his voice "fuck knows, think she might be looking for Ian, I dont know really, just wish she would leave already" firmly. Ian sighed as he looked around the room before blurting out "I need some air" before walking to the back door.

He was about to step outside when Carl asked "did I do something on you Ian, you never talk to me anymore" in a hurt tone of voice. Ian sighed as he looked at his brother replying "no you didnt" softly. Carl looked at Ian asking "can I call you sometime" curiously. Ian thought about it before replying "I'll text you but if I do you cant tell Fiona or Lip my new number or where I am" firmly.

Carl nodded his head replying "I wont" firmly. Ian shook his head in acceptance before stepping outside and shutting the door behind him. Carl didnt hide the hurt expression on his face and Mickey felt bad for him blurting out "I'll talk to him okay, Monica being back just fucked him up, thats all" firmly. Carl nodded his head but he didnt believe Mickey as he blurted out "just want my brother back, the cool one who showed me army fight moves and an army hunting knife" softly.

Mickey was curious so asked "you not talk to Lip anymore" firmly. Carl scoffed replying "fuck no, he's an asshole now, thinks because he is in college that he's better than all of us" icily. Mickey scoffed replying "he always fucking did" before laughing. A silence fell before Carl looked at Mickey blurting out "missed you too" softly. Mickey smacked him over the back of the head replying "dont fucking push it" before laughing.

Carl rubbed the back of his head as he laughed before asking "can I come visit you both sometime" curiously. Mickey sighed replying "its up to Ian" firmly. Carl sighed in defeat before replying "any hidden weapons here I can sell" curiously. Mickey laughed replying "not that I fucking know of" humoredly. Carl laughed as he looked at Mickey replying "going to go now, good seeing you" firmly before he walked towards the front door.

Mickey sighed replying "yeah you too" softly. When the front door closed Mickey shouted "he's gone" firmly. Ian came back into the house as Mickey asked "you hear all that" curiously. Ian shook his head putting his hands in his pockets standing in front of Mickey replying "yeah but its just Monica, sends me off the deep end you know" softly. Mickey hugged Ian before replying "dont need to tell me about that" softly.

A comfortable silence fell before Mickey leaned back to look at Ian asking "so uh, you want to fuck in my old room before we go back, you know as a big fuck you to my dad" with a grin on his face. Ian scoffed as he looked at Mickey replying "sure why the fuck not" firmly. Ian pushed Mickey in the direction of his bedroom as they both laughed and shoved each other on the way.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was at work on another busy Friday night and he noticed Ian was sitting on his own at the end of the bar where it met the wall quietly staring into a glass of beer that was placed in front of him that he bought earlier. Since it was busy Mickey never got a chance to talk to him and he was really worried about Ian's mood since the mention of Monica been back in south side. Mickey still felt off and on edge and anxious in the busy room hating that he was seeing glimpses of Terry in the shadows and in the corner of his eyes every now and again.

Every time he thought he saw Terry he had to remind himself that Terry was dead and he saw his dead body days ago.  Mickey just had to keep reminding himself that Terry couldnt hurt him anymore and even though he had talked to his therapist as much as he could, it was hard to get rid of a ghost who lived inside your head and made sure you never had moments peace for your whole life. Even the loud grabby customers were making him flinch and he was close to telling them to fuck off more than a few times.

Mickey was close to having a panic attack a few times but with the coping mechanisms he had he was able to calm himself down and looking over at Ian helped too. But at the moment he was more concerned about Ian than his own irritability around other people. Mickey knew Ian had been there since near the start of his shift which was four hours ago and he still had three more hours to go before he finished.

When Mickey was told he could take his break he grabbed two glasses of water and went to sit beside Ian at the bar. Mickey put his hand on Ian's shoulder gently shaking him blurting out "hey you drinking that beer or not" firmly. Ian blinked and shook his head and looked around before looking at Mickey replying "you finished" curiously. Mickey softly laughed looking at Ian replying "no just on a break, so the fucks up with you, you been glaring at that beer like it offended you" humouredly.

Ian didnt have the energy to laugh as he silently shrugged looking back down at the beer. Mickey couldnt hide his worried expression hesitantly asking "you okay" rubbing his hand on Ian's arm. Ian looked at Mickey replying "its not the meds, they are working, I just feel low like normal low" softly. Mickey sighed replying "its that why you got the beer you aint drinking" curiously.

Ian sighed before looking at Mickey replying "was thinking about it, I'm just like her right" icily before shrugging his shoulder. Mickey picked up on what Ian really meant and silently swore he would go back to south side and tell Monica to stay the fuck away from Ian. Mickey moved his seat closer to Ian putting his arm over his shoulder replying "is it really worth throwing a year of stability away, she isnt worth it Ian" firmly.

Ian grabbed the the glass in both hands remaing silent before replying "she just makes me feel like shit, I just fucking hate her and she makes me think I'm weak being on the meds, I already hate being on them but I dont want to be like her" angrily. Ian tightened his grip on the glass as he stared at it before Mickey grabbed Ian's hand on the glass replying "I know she does and I fucking know you hate her but dont let her do this to you, she doesnt give a shit about you so why the fuck should you give a shit about her, you arent anything like her" softly.

Ian glared at he glass wishing he had the guts just break the glass in his hand and picture the glass as Monica but he decided not to as he didnt want to cause a scene the bar. Instead Ian just glared at the glass before letting it go and pushed it back a bit replying "youre right but its just hard, I hate her for doing this to me, she ruined my fucking life, everything I wanted gone because of her, the army gone, you I broke up with because she got in my fucking head, she just fucking ruins everything, my own family fucking hate me because of her" angrily. Ian's voice got louder but the music was even louder so no one heard Ian's angry outburst except Mickey.

Mickey pulled Ian closer to him as he looked at him replying "and you got me back so she didnt fucking ruin that, she tried but fucking failed just like my fucking dad did" firmly. Ian sighed in defeat before looking at Mickey replying "yeah but what if you hadnt wanted me back, I nearly fucking lost you because of her" not able to hide the emotion in his voice. Mickey looked at Ian's sad expression before replying "but you didnt and maybe she done us a fucking favor, made us figure shit out on our own first or something I dont know" softly.

Mickey hugged Ian tightly adding "I know I'm the last one to fucking talk but dont let her get to you so much" firmly. Ian sighed mumbling "easier said than done" softly. Mickey rubbed Ian's back with his hand replying "yeah fucking tell me about it" humoredly. The fell into a comfortable silence before Mickey asked "you hanging around for a while or going home" curiously. Ian looked at him shrugging his shoulder replying "dont know yet" softly.

Mickey shook his head replying "okay, got to get back to work, you going to be okay, I can call Mandy, think she's off tonight" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "no its okay, just want to be on my own for a while" softly. Mickey kissed the top of Ian's head replying "let me know if your leaving" softly before going to back to work behind the bar. Ian silently sat the bar watching Mickey work for the rest of the night in between thinking about the effect of just hearing the word Monica had on him and he wished Carl never opened his big mouth.

Ian knew she had no control over who she passed her shitty genetics onto but he couldnt help feel angry towards her for giving him the shitty genetics and not his other siblings. Ian resented her for not caring about any of them and resented that his family more or less abandoned him because all they saw in him was Monica. Ian hated living in southside when his first had his diagnosis and the only relief from it all was Mickey and he hated himself for fucking that up too all of because of Monica.

Ian sighed deciding he was done blaming Monica for everything wrong in his life. Sure it was easier to blame her but it was his own actions that led to his break up with Mickey. He knew Monica didnt exactly hold a gun to his head and make him do it but she sure set the seeds of doubt in his mind and it worked. Ian figured Monica loved living in chaos so created in chaos in the lives around her not caring about the consequences because she wouldnt be there to see the fall out of her actions.

He decided it wasnt his fault that his family turned their back on him, they chose to do that and he wasnt going to feel guilty or hurt anymore over his family. Ian looked over at Mickey deciding he already had a family with Mickey and his second best friend Mandy. Ian also considered Iggy part of his new family over the way he had their backs when Terry got out of jail. Ian wasnt too sure that Fiona and Lip would have acted the same way and they probably would have told Ian to save his own ass and leave Mickey but fail to realize that Ian would never do that.

Ian wondered if his family ever gave a shit about his own happiness or were they just too self involved to ever give a shit about anyone else. Ian really hated that he felt so guilty over leaving them all for so long and he decided he was done feeling bad over other peoples actions towards him especially when he did nothing to deserve it. Ian picked up the glass of water that Mickey left on the bar and drank it as he pushed the glass of beer further away from him feeling glad he didnt drink it.

Ian decided Mickey was right, his shitty family and Monica were not worth throwing away a year of stability especially since Ian knew how hard he worked to get to this point. Ian was broken from his thoughts when Mickey asked "you not drinking this then" curiously. Ian grinned at his boyfriend replying "no, you were right" firmly. Mickey looked at Ian as he laughed replying "okay" as he dumped the glass of beer in the sink behind the bar and put the glass on the rack to be washed.

Mickey looked back at Ian replying "I'll be finished in a few minutes" softly before going back to cleaning up the bar. Ian looked around the room and saw that it was nearly empty and the bar staff were cleaning up the bar. Ian looked down feeling weirded out that he had been lost in his own head for the last few hours. He heard footsteps and looked up to see Mickey looking at him putting his coat on asking "you ready to go home, cant believe you fucking stayed here all night asshole" before laughing.

Ian scoffed not wanting to admit he just wanted to be in the same room as his boyfriend replying "fuck you" humoredly. Ian stood up and grabbed Mickey by the coat before pushing him against the bar and leaning against him as he looked at him silently. Mickey froze as he looked at Ian replying "the fuck you doing" curiously. Ian caged him in against the bar with and arm on either side of Mickey replying "I'm done" firmly.

Mickey's jaw dropped as he looked at Ian hoping this wasnt going where he thought it was and Ian noticed replying "not with you" not adding never with you. Ian added "with them, with Monica and Fiona and Lip, they can all go fuck off, I dont need that shit in my life" firmly. Ian continued "I'm done feeling shitty and guilty over their actions towards me, its hard enough being bi-polar and trying to be stable without them making me feel like shit, they made it clear they all think I'm Monica but I'm not and if they cant see that then thats their fucking problem, not mine" angrily.

Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian wrapping his arms around him as Ian looked down to the ground adding "I dont need them and they arent my family" softly with sadness in his voice. Ian looked at Mickey adding "youre my family, Mandy too even Iggy, even when I was manic you all looked out for me, didnt give me shit or look at me like I was Monica or compared me to her, you just went along with my craziness" before softly laughing.

Mickey disagreed replying "fucked that up didnt I, I was selfish too, didnt want you to leave, I was scared they would lock you up for good, thought I could handle it" softly. Ian silently looked at Mickey before replying "but you tried, they didnt" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence before Ian added "where were they when Terry got out a few weeks ago, didnt even try to find out where I was to see if I was safe, they could have tried if they wanted too, could have talked to Iggy or something, I dont fucking know" angrily.

Mickey noticed the angry tears forming in Ian's eyes not even sure what to say figuring its okay wouldnt be any good. Mickey blurted out "you know when I first found out Terry might be getting out Iggy told me to tell you if I knew where you were, luckily for me I did know where you were" humoredly. Ian softly laughed looking at Mickey replying "yeah" softly.

Mickey hated he was saying this but knowing Ian wouldnt judge him for being so open blurted out "youre fucking family to me Ian, even to Mandy and Iggy, we look out for each other, doesnt matter how much we fuck up" firmly. Ian grinned at Mickey as he looked at him replying "yeah, sounds good to me" softly. Ian softly laughed narrowing his eyes at Mickey replying "so I'm a Milkovich now" humouredly.

Mickey laughed not even wanting to go near that can of worms as he grabbed Ian by the back of the neck replying "come here asshole" softly before pulling Ian in for a kiss. It grew a bit heated before Ian stopped it resting his forehead against Mickey's and looked at him replying "can we go home, I'm tired" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "yeah sitting there staring into glass of fucking beer for the last six hours is really fucking tiring" sarcastically.

Ian shoved Mickey with his body replying "fuck you, I was thinking" before laughing. Mickey looked at Ian in disbelief replying "that must of fucking hurt" humoredly. Ian grinned biting his lip to stop laughing as he looked at Mickey who raised his eyebrow adding "what no comeback" humoredly. Ian laughed replying "fuck you asshole" softly. Mickey laughed replying "yeah you can later, lets go home" softly before they both left the bar for home.

And Mickey just wished he could do the same regarding Terry and maybe one day he wouldnt care about his piece of shit father. He couldnt wait for the day he was done with Terry Milkovich but he was working on it and he decided he wasnt letting his fathers ghost ruin his life anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to show how both Ian and Mickey are still haunted by their own past but that they are stronger now to move on although I think this chapter was more focused on Ian and just much they both need each other and they know it and aren't afraid to admit it to each other.


	18. I thought I'd be afraid but now that I have you its not enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: triggers for assault and suicide attempt

Mickey was at work when he realized he couldnt hide the anger he felt inside anymore. He tried to repress it and push it down telling himself Terry being dead didnt bother him in the slightest. He really tried to spend the last two weeks being completely happy with Ian and relieved that Terry was dead and no longer a threat to them anymore. He was relieved that Mandy had her own place which used to be Mickey's old apartment before he moved in with Ian.

He was relieved that Iggy had the whole house to himself back in south side and not have to tip toe around the place trying to avoid Terry and make himself scarce when Terry was on the warpath. He was also relieved that Ian didnt let Monica ruin a whole year of stability and he stayed on his meds. He was also relieved that Ian was in contact by text with his younger brother after a week since they saw each other in the Milkovich house even though Ian wasnt ready for Carl to come to their apartment yet.

They were all relatively happy and Mickey fed off the energy that Ian, Mandy and Iggy just radiated when they were all together. But Mickey couldnt pretend anymore and that black hole he felt inside just grew stronger each day. The black hole of numbness he felt inside tried to absorb some of that energy and happiness from Ian and his siblings but it wasnt working anymore. Mickey was just full of pure rage, anger, hurt and pain and he just wished he could bring Terry back so he could kill him with his bare hands and he hated that he wasnt there with Iggy that day to make it happen.

Mickey loved working in a gay bar after he got used to it as he felt like it was somewhere he could be himself and not worry about getting gay bashed for who he liked. The Fairytale left a bad taste in his mouth years ago but this bar was different with different people that werent sleazebags like the guys at the Fairytale. But sometimes Mickey hated working in a gay bar especially when he was being harassed by a reasonably attractive looking guy at the bar in his mid thirties that wouldnt take no for an answer even when Mickey told the guy he had a boyfriend and to leave him alone.

Mickey was already angry and the guy was just pissing him off even more especially when they guy dared to grab Mickey's arm. Mickey glared at the guy telling him to get out of the bar before he kicked the shit out of him and then guy left. What disturbed Mickey even more was that the guy seemed to enjoy being threatened with violence but he ignored it and decided to just get back to work and hope the rest of his shift would go quickly. Mickey wished Ian was in the bar like the other night and Ian's absence just made him want to go home and forget about the world for a while.

Mickey sighed to himself as he tossed back a shot of vodka not caring that he wasnt supposed to drink on the job but his boss wasnt there so what she wouldnt know wouldnt hurt her and all that. By the time Mickey finished his shift he was slightly buzzed as he tossed back a few more shots and one of the regulars that he and Ian knew quite well bought him a few drinks too when Mickey was on his break and while he worked.

When Mickey left the bar to go home before he knew it he was pulled into the alleyway beside the bar and pushed against the wall. When Mickey realized what happened he saw the tall guy with brown hair that was harrasing him in the bar so he growled "the fuck do you want" icily. The guy tried to kiss him purring "you know you want it" as he looked at Mickey.

Mickey kneed the guy hard in the groin retorting "you fucking perv" as he punched the guy in the stomach and pushed him to the ground before kicking him repeatedly. The guy groaned in pain on the ground as Mickey stood over him and grabbed the guy by the shirt and punched him hard in the face until he felt blood on his knuckles. As Mickey was beating the guy up all he saw was Terry in front of him and it made him hit harder as he felt the rage consume him and take over him letting all his anger out.

When the guy stopped struggling Mickey finally stopped realizing it wasnt Terry he was beating up and when he saw the guy was barely conscious he muttered "shit" softly. Mickey slapped the guy on the face bringing him back to being conscious glaring at him telling him "dont come back to this fucking bar asshole, youre fucking barred and if you tell anyone what happened here and I will fucking kill you" icily. The guy didnt respond so Mickey asked "got it" angrily. The guy shook his head replying "yeah" weakly. Mickey scoffed retorting "fucking pussy" before hitting the guy again before leaving the alley and going home.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey walked into his apartment shutting the door behind him and locking it before he took off his coat and threw it on the chair as he walked over to the kitchen. The whole way home Mickey was shaking and couldnt stop. Another panic attack building and he struggled to breathe when the flash backs of Terry's abuse and corrective rape played in his mind.

Mickey grabbed the bottle of whiskey and chugged as much of it as he could in one go as he felt the tears finally fall down his face. Mickey didnt know what would have happened back in that alley if he hadnt have fought back and he didnt want to think about what would have happened. Mickey heard that voice in his head again telling him he was useless, worthless and pathetic and that Ian would dump his sorry ass when he found out what happened tonight.

Mickey wiped the tears from his face with his hand not caring about the blood on his knuckles as he kept drinking the bottle of whiskey hating that the alcohol wasnt making him numb. Mickey hated that he just felt everything when he just wanted to feel nothing but it was too late for that. It was getting harder and harder to ignore everything that his father put him through. Mickey just felt wave after wave of anger pulse through him each wave stronger than the last one and he felt like he was clawing out of his skin from the inside.

Mickey hated that he hurt this much and that he let all of this have so much control over him as he grabbed a sharp knife from the drawer and sliced deeply into this arm. Mickey just kept stabbing at his arm as he fell to sit on the floor muttering to himself about how much of a pathetic loser he was and that he was failure as he uncontrollably sobbed to himself. Mickey felt pathetic and wished he had the nerve to just cut his wrist and finish the job once and for all and put himself out of his misery and end his life permanently.

He decided he was going to do it and placed the tip of the knife at the right spot on his wrist and dug it in and just and was about to slice his wrist when he heard someone shout and kneel beside him and grab the knife before throwing it in the sink. Ian only came out to the kitchen for a glass of water as he woke up feeling really thirsty and he wasnt expecting his boyfriend to bleeding out on the floor but he still reacted quickly.

Mickey looked up to see Ian grabbing a towel putting it to Mickey's bleeding wrist blurting out "Ian just let me die, I'd be doing everyone a favor" in a broken voice. Ian looked at him with a hurt expression replying "no I fucking need you asshole" firmly. Mickey scoffed looking down at his wrist that Ian was holding with a towel pressed against the cuts blurting out "you can do better Ian, I'm a fucking mess, I cant even fucking function properly" softly.

Ian looked at Mickey replying "no I cant do better" firmly. There was a silence before Mickey blurted out "I dont know what the fuck to do anymore, I just feel so fucking angry all the fucking time, I tried not be but it doesnt fucking work" in a broken voice as he wiped away more tears from his face. Ian sighed as he moved to sit on the floor beside Mickey keeping his hand on Mickey wrist as he put his other arm around Mickey shoulders.

Mickey leaned into Ian resting his head on his shoulder as Ian softly kissed the top of his head trying to hold back his own tears. Ian really hated that he couldnt do a single thing to easy the pain and anger that Mickey felt. Mickey closed his eyes as Ian held him tighter blurting out "I feel like such a fucking a hypocrite telling you not to let Monica have so much power over you when Terry still has fucking power over me" softly.

Ian looked at Mickey's wrist replying "your not a hypocrite, we just got to work on it, isnt going happen overnight" softly. Mickey sighed looking at Ian asking "I just want to know why Ian, why did he hate me so much, why does he get away with all this shit and I'm left here dealing with all of his shit that he dumped on me and you, dont tell you dont wonder why sometimes" softly not hidng the pain in his voice.

Ian felt the tears run down his face as he looked at Micey replying "I do sometimes but I dont think we will ever know why" softly. Another silence fell before Mickey blurted out "just wish the nightmares will go away, havent had as many since I started therapy but I fucking hate them" softly. Ian gripped Mickey tighter replying "I know you do" softly. Ian knew Mickey was still having nightmares as he woken up all the time with Mickey tossing and turning yelling for Ian in his sleep.

Ian always held Mickey through the nightmares talking to him to calm him down but he noticed that the nightmares didnt seem to be as bad as they used to be. They sat there in comfortable silence when Ian noticed Mickey bruised knuckles asking "you get into a fight" curiously. Mickey looked down at his hands replying "some guy wouldnt take no for an answer at the bar even when I told him I wasnt interested and had a boyfriend" angrily. Ian scoffed replying "going to beat the shit out him if I see him" angrily.

Mickey softly laughed replying "dont think he will be back, told him to he was barred" firmly. Ian nodded before asking "what else happened" curiously. Mickey paused before adding "when I finished he grabbed me outside and pulled me into the alleyway and made a move on me so I beat the shit out of him" softly. Mickey scoffed blurting out "I nearly fucking killed him, all I saw was Terry and I just hit harder, think I broke a few of his ribs and his nose, fucker deserved it but not that much" softy.

Ian felt panic run through him blurting out "shit, he going to do anything" curiously. Mickey sighed replying "no, I told him he was barred from the bar and if he told anyone what happened I would kill him, think he believed me" softly. Ian sighed replying "I'm glad youre okay" softly. Mickey didnt even have it in him to make a smart comment at that so he just sighed as he blankly stared at the floor feeling the heat from Ian's body warming him up making him just want to stay there on the spot.

After a few minutes he broken from his thoughts when he heard Ian ask "come on, we'll get that cleaned up and go to bed" softly. Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian replying "yeah okay" softly. They both stood up and went to bathroom where Ian cleaned up Mickey's bruised and bloody knuckles and cleaned up the cut some more before putting a bandage on it.

They were both lying in bed face to face in the dark with Ian's arms wrapped around Mickey so tightly Mickey was suprised he could still breathe but he found he actually liked it as it made him feel safe. Mickey felt himself relax as he wondered what Ian saw in him, he also wondered what he ever did to have someone like Ian in his life considering everyone else thought he was a worthless piece of trash.

Mickey hated that he got to this point of nearly killing himself and he didnt even want to think what would have happened if Ian hadnt woken up and come out to the kitchen for whatever reason. Mickey was close to sleep when he felt Ian pull him tighter to him whispering "I dont know what the fuck I would do if I lost you, dont scare me like that" in a broken voice. Mickey never hated himself more in that moment hearing those words from Ian. Mickey wasnt sure if he was meant to hear what Ian said but he didnt care replying "me neither about you and I wont" softly. He knew Ian heard it when Ian froze and then relaxed as they stayed silent before they both fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian woke up the next morning still in the same position they fell asleep in only Mickey's face was against his chest as they moved during the night. Ian yawned before softly kissing the top of his boyfriends head and played with the black hair at the back of his neck wondering how he didnt see this coming. Ian hated that he had been so caught up in his own feelings towards Monica and his family that he didnt even see just how much Mickey was trying to hide how he really felt.

Ian also felt scared after last night and couldnt help wonder if he hadnt went into the kitchen for some water that Mickey would now be dead on the floor from bleeding out. Ian felt the tears form in his eyes blurting out "shit" in a broken voice gripping Mickey tighter to him not wanting to lose him. Ian felt himself start to panic as he wondered what if next time he wasnt there when Mickey had his next meltdown and had no one to help him at all.

Ian was scared because the only thing worth having in his life was struggling to hold on each day and Ian wasnt sure if he would be enough for Mickey to keep going. Ian knew Mickey was broken but he wondered if Mickey knew just how broken he was too and just because he was stable didnt mean that he didnt feel broken. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mickey struggle against him blurting out "Ian would you fucking let me go" softly.

Ian relaxed loosening his grip on Mickey who moved up a bit to face Ian asking "the fucks up with you" curiously. Ian looked over Mickey's shoulder blurting out "I just..what if next time I'm not here, you could be dead on the floor now if I hadnt got up for some water" shakily.  Mickey mentally kicked himself for scaring the shit out of Ian as he pulled Ian closer to him as he looked at him replying "I'm sorry I scared you, last night was bad I know, think it was a relapse or something, Ramirez said it might happen and it did, I just didnt think it would be so bad" softly.

Ian blinked the tears out of his eyes replying "you scared me and I just hate that I was so caught up in my own shit with Monica that I never noticed how you might have felt over everything" softly. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck softly kissing him the lips replying "Ian I'm good at hiding shit until it fucking blows up in my face and you know that so dont blame yourself" firmly. Ian shook his head replying "I know but things were good and then this happens, it just makes me think we'll always feel like this and that I'm no help to you" softly.

Ian stopped talking as he felt like he wasnt making any sense at all. Mickey picked up on it replying "you are helping me, more than you know, I dont feel broken or like I need to be fixed you know, I just feel lost most of the time, always did but being with you helps" softly. Ian softly smiled before replying "I know what you mean" softly. Ever since Ian broke up with Mickey all he ever felt was lost until they got back together and Ian couldnt explain it but Mickey felt like home.

A comfortable silence fell as they silently looked at each other before Mickey blurted out "just feels like its always going to be like this" softly. Ian pulled Mickey closer to him replying "dont think it will be or I hope it wont be" in a hopeful tone. Mickey sighed replying "yeah me too" not adding that he couldnt live this way anymore. Mickey knew he needed to do something and he silently promised he would never scare Ian like that ever again.

Mickey felt out of control last night and he hated it, he was so used to being in control that not being in control scared him. Mickey knew he could have killed that guy and it was all because he had a flash back of the abuse he suffered at the hands of his father. Mickey decided he wanted to make a change, he wanted to stop feeling so lost and letting his father have so much control over him even in death.

Mickey knew it would be hard but like Ian, he decided he was done with his father having so much power over him. Mickey silently looked at Ian pulling Ian closer to him as he ran his hand through his hair noticing how Ian just let his eyes close and let out a soft sigh at the contact. Mickey knew that now he had Ian it wasnt enough anymore and he needed to deal with the shit in head once and for all.

Mickey wondered something blurting out "how do I get out of all this shit" softly. Ian opened his eyes to look at him replying "got go through it to get out of it" softly. Mickey sighed replying "couldnt be an easier fucking option no" curiously. Ian softly laughed replying "well today we can just stay here, deal it tomorrow" softly.

Mickey slightly laughed asking "you working today" curiously. Ian grinned replying "nope" pulling himself closer to Mickey even though there was no space between them left under the covers. Mickey softly laughed wrapping his arms around Ian and tangling their legs together replying "sounds like a good fucking plan to me" softly. Ian sighed deciding he could stay here for ever not knowing Mickey was thinking the same thing as they both fell back asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about that, it was hard to write it.


	19. All inside of me on the edge of agony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a lighter chapter compared to the last one.

Mickey walked out Dr. Ramirez's office for his weekly therapy session still wishing he cancelled it because he didnt want to think or talk about the night where he tried to kill himself. He didnt want to go and was going to cancel it but Ian managed to talk him into going and he hated making Ian worry about him so he went to his therapy appointment. He talked about how he tried to kill himself and how much he hated himself for letting Ian see him in that state of mind.

He talked about how much he hated that he was still seeing Terry everywhere he looked and how much he hated that he had done a Monica and tried to kill himself while Ian was in the other room. He talked about how much he was conflicted between feeling glad that Ian found him when he did and how he also felt that he wished Ian hadnt found him when did. He talked about how he nearly killed that guy outside the bar because he had a flashback of Terry and how much he hated that he was close to becoming like his father. He talked about how he didnt know why Ian loved him when everyone else hated him including himself.

Mickey couldnt see any way out from the darkness he felt within and the self loathing he felt towards himself every day. He talked about how he had been avoiding Mandy because he didnt want her to find out how far he had really fallen and he didnt want her to think less of him. He thought that it didnt matter how much Ramirez told him that none of what he had been through was his fault and that he needs Ian and vice versa.

He still felt like he failed in protecting his sister, Ian and even himself from his father. It didnt matter that she told him he had internalized his father's hatred for him either. All Mickey wanted to know was how to stop feeling like this, stop feeling pure disgust and hatred towards himself. He wanted to know why he felt so weak for depending on Ian all the time and how much he hated that he was making Ian worry about him so much.

Mickey hated that he was likely to cause Ian to have another bi-polar episode from Ian stressing out so much about him and worrying about him too. It didnt matter that Ramirez told Mickey that Ian was in charge of his own health and knew his own triggers. It didnt make him feel any better and he knew he was also worrying about Ian too, he was worried that he was relying on him too much even though the therapist told him he needed someone to talk to that he could trust outside of their therapy sessions.

Mickey didnt want to go home yet so decided to walk around the city for a while for some time alone for a few hours just to get the muddled thoughts in his head clear. All he had were questions that he wasnt sure he would ever find the answer to and he was almost certain he never would get those answers.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian and Mandy were in Ian's apartment eating food and watching a movie on the television after they had a workout in the gym when Ian finished work. Mandy sat forward to put her empty plate on the small table in front of her asking "where is my idiot brother anyway" curiously. Ian swallowed the food he was chewing before replying "he had shit to do, dont know when he will be back" firmly.

Ian looked at the time on his phone wondering where Mickey was knowing his boyfriend should have been back from therapy ages ago but he remained silent. Mandy shrugged her shoulders replying "whatever" as she sat back on the sofa and made herself even more comfortable but putting her feet up on the table. Ian put his empty plate on the table on front of him before they silently watched television.

Ian looked at his friend as he asked "so you seeing anyone, havent seen you around lately" curiously. Mandy shrugged her shoulders replying "just been busy with work, hanging out with my friend at work too, she's the girl that I do kickboxing with, she's nice, she really helps me you know" softly as she hid the smile from her face. She didnt add 'like you and Mickey' because she didnt want Ian to know how much she hated seeing them both together.

It wasnt that she felt like Mickey took Ian away from her, she was glad that Mickey had someone like Ian in his life. At first she felt like she lost her best friend but when she realized that she would never be able to give him what he needed she realized she hadnt lost her best friend. If anything she was jealous of what they had, it hurt to see it and she wanted it too, she thought she would have it with Ian until he told her he was gay.

Even though she would never have him the way Mickey would, she would gladly have Ian as her best friend since he was the only guy ever to treat her right. Mandy thought that maybe in another life she would get to have what Ian and her brother had but she knew it would never happen to her, not in this lifetime. There was a silence before Ian replied "that's good, we should all hang out sometime" firmly. Mandy laughed as she looked at him replying "good luck getting Mickey to come out with us" sarcastically.

Ian softly smirked replying "he can be persuaded" softly. Mandy elbowed him in the ribs glaring at him replying "dont need to fucking know that asshole" with disgust in her voice. Ian pushed her back laughing as he looked at he replying "your the one with the dirty mind not me" humoredly. She rolled her eyes replying "well good luck with that" softly.

They talked some more as they watched tv when Mickey came back into the apartment and shut the door behind him as Ian looked over at him asking "the fuck have you been" curiously. Mickey noticed Mandy was there so replied "around" evasively. Ian silently watched as Mickey just walked over to the kitchen and grabbed the extra food Ian made from the microwave.

Mickey wished Mandy wasnt here but he didnt have it in him to tell her to leave either, he was just tired and mentally drained. As Mickey sat beside Ian on the sofa Mandy interjected "fine dont fucking tell us" humoredly. Mickey flipped her off with his middle finger replying "fuck you, leave if you dont like it" with a hint of anger. Mickey turned his attention to the movie on tv as he ate his food deciding that his idea to not tell her to leave was shot to pieces.

Ian looked at Mandy and shrugged his shoulders as he softly laughed and Mandy just rolled her eyes. A comfortable silence fell and when Mickey finished eating and put the plate on the table he asked "got any weed on you" curiously. Mandy rolled her eyes as she took a joint out her pocket and threw it at Mickey replying "you owe me" softly. Mickey lit up the joint replying "get Iggy to give it you for me" firmly.

Mandy just shrugged her shoulders muttering "whatever" deciding she didnt really care that much as she relaxed and watched the movie. Mickey looked over at her with a confused expression before looking at Ian who just worded "dont know" silently. Mickey didnt know what was up with Mandy lately ever since she came back to Chicago. He normally got more of a reaction out of her but today there was nothing but he thought maybe she just didnt feel like arguing as she had enough of that with her ex boyfriend.

Mickey decided to let it drop shrugging his shoulder and moved closer to Ian where their arms and legs were pressed together and he silently smoked the joint as he watched tv. After an hour Mandy sat up blurting out "got go to work soon, going home for a shower first" softly. She stood up adding "later losers" before stepping over Mickey's legs that were up on the table and walked to the door.

Ian caught up with her as they stepped outside the door when he asked "you okay" curiously. She looked at him replying "I'm fine, its just....it doesnt matter, I'm just tired, we pushed it hard at the gym thats all" softly. Mandy was telling the truth but she also just felt like the third wheel and she didnt want to say that because she knew that was her own issue. Ian looked at her and believed her replying "okay but you dont have to go, youre welcome here any time" softly.

Mandy softly smiled replying "I know, just dont want to go work smelling of sweat" softly. Ian looked at her as he softly laughed replying "fine, go then, see you tomorrow" as he pulled her in for a hug. She hugged him back before she turned and walked away. Ian watched her leave wondering what was up with her but he shrugged it off thinking he was probably reading too much into it before he walked back into the apartment and shut the door behind him and locked it.

Ian walked back over to the sofa where Mickey was now lying down across the sofa asking "she tell you whats wrong" curiously. Ian looked at Mickey replying "no just that she's tired and wants to go home before going to work" softly. Ian went for another glass of water and drank it at the sink not seeing that Mickey was watching him wondering what was up with Mandy. Mickey felt like Mandy had been avoiding him but he knew he had also been avoiding her but not Ian which he didnt find strange since before they broke up Mandy was pretty close with Ian.

Mickey was still staring at Ian ignoring the redhead's grin as he walked back over the sofa and put the glass of water on the table before he lay down on the sofa half lying across Mickey. Mickey scoffed asking "the fuck you doing" humoredly. Ian looked at him replying "making myself comfortable" humoredly wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. Mickey scoffed looking at Ian replying "I can fucking see that" pulling Ian closer to him as wrapped his arms around him.

A comfortable silence fell before Mickey looked at Ian asking "why is Mandy avoiding us" curiously. Ian shrugged replying "dont know but thought it was just me that thought that, maybe she just got used to being on her own, she'll talk when she's ready" softly. A comfortable silence fell when Mickey moved to lie on his side and closed his eyes feeling the effects of the weed starting to make him want to sleep.

He sighed pulling Ian closer to him and didnt even flinch when Ian kissed him softly on the lips before asking "you working later" curiously. Mickey sighed replying "no took a few days off that I'm owed, didnt feel like going so called them after I finished therapy earlier, told them I had a family emergency, they bought it" softly. Ian tightened his grip on Mickey as he softly laughed replying "so I have you all to myself" humouredly.

Mickey opened his eyes to look at Ian replying "for a few days anyway" softly. Ian mischeviously grinned at him replying "good" firmly. Mickey scoffed replying "I dont like that look on your fucking face, you going to have your way with me or some shit" shoving against Ian with his body. Ian rolled his eyes replying "maybe, might call into work sick for a few days" softy. Mickey laughed thinking he wouldnt mind a few days of Ian having his way with him although he wouldnt mind having his way with Ian for a few days.

Mickey silently looked at Ian before blurting out "maybe you should, wouldnt mind having my own way with you for a fucking change" firmly. Mickey looked down trying to hide the redness on his face from saying his thoughts out loud and blamed the weed for not being able to keep his mouth shut. Ian saw it and laughed replying "dont feel bad, maybe I will let you" humouredly.

Another silence fell as they kept glancing at each other and looking away with shy grins before Ian decided he would stop embarrasing his boyfriend and blurted out "so Mandy said she is hanging out with a friend from work a lot which is why we dont see much from her" trying to change the topic. Mickey groaned replying "I hope I dont have to kick his fucking ass" icily. Ian tightened his arms around Mickey replying "dont think you need to worry about that, dont know if she told you but her friend invited her to do kickboxing classes with her and they do that together" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian replying "she might have said something, was suprised she starting working out with you" softly. Ian sighed replying "think she just feels demoralized you know, its good to see her getting back to herself again, at least she has a good friend" softly. Mickey bit his lip before replying "apart from you but yeah I know, just feel bad for ignoring her, I just dont want her to find out about me you know" in a broken voice.

Ian looked at him replying "I dont think she would judge, she thought you would say the same about her" softly. Mickey replied "I'd never do that to her although I judge the pieces of shit she goes out with but she knows that" firmly. Ian looked at him replying "think you should just talk to her, she misses you, she thinks you dont want her around, she told me that much" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "is that why she left" curiously.

Ian shrugged his shoulder replying "I dont know, probably" softly. Mickey sighed looking at Ian replying "fine I'll fucking talk to her but not now, kind of busy now" firmly. Ian laughed asking "oh yeah" in a light tone. Mickey scoffed as he looked at Ian replying "yeah this annoying redhead keeps taking up my fucking time" humouredly. Ian grinned trying but failing to stop his face from turning red replying "thats very annoying" humouredly.

Mickey rolled his eyes blurting out before he could stop it "kind of love the guy so its not so bad" firmly. Ian grinned at him asking "oh yeah" softly. Mickey looked down at his hand that was resting on Ian's hip bone feeling the embarrasment at admitting all that swim in his stomach knowing his face was as red as Ian's hair mentally calling himself a lame idiot. Ian didnt care as he grabbed the back of back Mickey's neck and kissed him before looking at him replying "kind of love you too" softly.

Ian pulled Mickey closer to him even through was no space left between them as their legs were tangled up together replying "so uh is he annoying you that much that you need time away from him" humoredly. Mickey scoffed before laughing replying "fuck no" firmly. Ian bit down on his lip to stop from grinning even more as Mickey sighed adding "just needed time to think, therapy is a bitch, talking about shit I'd rather forget and not talk about, just needed to be alone for a while" softly. Ian sighed looking at Mickey replying "yeah I know" softly.

All the lightness in their conversation had now disappeared and a more serious tone had taken over the mood in the room. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey sighed looking down at his hand on Ian's hip replying "its just so fucking hard trying to change things, like trying not to freak out when someone grabs my arm or when I see someone that resembles Terry, its just hard to trust people, just hard to forget all the shit in my head, feels like I will never get over any of it" softly.

Ian hated seeing Mickey go through all of this wishing he could fix it or make it go away and he hated that he couldnt do any of those things at all. Mickey looked at Ian adding "I trust you, that's all I know" softly. Ian bit his lip to stop the grin forming on his lips before replying "I trust you too, you were the only one who didnt give a shit about my disorder, Mandy too" softly. Mickey wasnt sure if he wanted to say it but it was out before he could stop it "you make me forget how much I hate myself" in a broken voice.

Mickey always felt like that about Ian but he hated that he admitted it because now it was real and he couldnt deny it to himself anymore. Ian silently looked at him feeling the tears from in his eyes hating that Mickey admitted to hating himself. Mickey looked away from him feeling the hatred for himself in his stomach tell him he was weak as he felt Ian hug him tighter as he softly kissed him on the forehead. Ian rested his forhead against Mickey's replying "I still love you and I'll never hate you" firmly.

Mickey scoffed looking Ian replying "you sound sure about that" hesitantly. Ian quickly replied "thats because I am" firmly. Mickey sighed feeling the warmth from Ian pressed against him as he found there was small part of him that believed what Ian just admitted and he ignored that part that told him to push it away. Mickey looked down at his hand again as he blurted out "even though no one else does, I've never been good enough for anyone and everyone including my own family who also hate me, my father had me raped, I'm damaged goods Ian, you really want to settle for that" curiously.

Ian looked at him replying "stop trying to push me away, anyway they dont know you like I do and I dont care what those assholes think they know and you are good enough for me, and your father is a homophobic piece of shit that hates everyone including himself" firmly. Mickey scoffed replying "you got that right about him" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence as Mickey thought over what Ian had said to him and a part of thought maybe Ian was telling the truth.

Mickey thought that if Ian was going to leave he would have by now, he already had before so Mickey decided to believe Ian when he said he wasnt going anywhere. Mickey was scared of Ian leaving him and even though Ian reassured him every time there was always that doubt in the back of his mind that Ian would leave again. Mickey knew it wouldnt be the first time it happened and Ian wasnt the first person the leave him when they decided they had enough and didnt want to know Mickey anymore.

But as Mickey silently looked at Ian who had his eyes closed he thought maybe Ian was telling the truth and some part of him believed Ian's words and he wanted to believe it too. Mickey thought back over what he talked about in therapy, about how he felt like he didnt deserve to be happy or have anyone care about him and that he deserved to be alone. He decided he wasnt going to listen to that voice in his head anymore telling him that he was worthless and no one liked him and never would.

He decided that he did deserve to be happy and even though he felt like he was just lying to himself he decided to keep saying it until he believed it and it didnt hurt that Ian was already saying it to him either. Mickey knew it would be hard, it would be hard to get away from that darkness he felt inside, that bottomless pit of pain and agony he had been carrying around for years.

He knew it would be hard to get away from that urge to hurt himself because he felt like deserved it, to stop thinking of himself as worthless, weak and disguting just because his father and everyone else said all those things to him. Mickey felt a small smile form on his lips just as Ian opened his eyes to look at him asking "whats so funny" curiously. Mickey sighed in contentment replying "not a thing" softly.

Mickey didnt say that he felt like he could do this because he had Ian, Ian made him feel like he was worth something to someone, made him feel stronger then he actually felt. Mickey realized that if he wasnt good enough for Ian then Ian wouldnt have confronted him that night in the bar asking to talk. Mickey realized he wasnt alone anymore, he had Ian and it was enough, it was enough to make him feel strong enough to get over all the shit in his head and what he felt inside.

Mickey knew he didnt want to be alone anymore, he had been alone for too long and now that he experienced not being alone he knew he didnt want to go back to that at all. He didnt want to be trapped in his own personal prison that he was caged in by his father for his whole life. He didnt want to be having panic attacks every time he left the house or feeling anxious when he was work.

He hated having PTSD and anxiety because it was exausting and it was even more exausting having to hide the cuts and scars on his body. It was also more exausting keeping up a pretence around other people of everything is fine when inside he was really slowly dying. It didnt matter that Ian didnt care about any of it and Mickey knew Ian didnt think less of him for it but he still wanted to get better. Mickey knew he couldnt live like this anymore, he needed to get his shit together for Ian and for himself and he was going to do it even if it killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't mean to portray Mandy as being in love with Ian because she isn't not in this story. I don't think she ever was even though a lot of fics make out that she did. I think she wanted Ian at first but it stopped when he told her he was gay and they became friends. I think she just likes him as a friend because he is the only guy to ever treat her right and I think seeing Ian with Mickey makes her want with someone what they have with each other.


	20. I'm starting to bleed another way I just need some time to complete myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a time jump in this chapter to move the story along. Also shit hits the fan in this.  
> Triggers for self harm and mentions of rape.

It had been three months since Mickey had set foot in Dr Ramirez's office. It had been just under three months when Mickey lay on the sofa curled up around Ian when he decided he was going to beat the monsters in his head. Over those three months he and Ian had become much closer and knew each other inside out and learned to trust each other again. Those three months were a struggle for Mickey in trying to tell himself he was worth something, he wasnt an awful person and he deserved to be happy with Ian.

It was another struggle to stop the panic attacks, the cutting, the lashing out at people at work who got too close for comfort. Mickey still had panic attacks but the werent as severe and he was able to stop himself from lashing out at the people who had no personal boundaries in the bar. It was an even bigger struggle to stop the nightmares, to stop being afraid to go to sleep because of the fear of Terry returning in his dreams to kill him and Ian.

The nightmares were now happening a few times a week and were less intense as opposed to every night where they felt so real Mickey swore it happened and Ian was really dead. Mickey knew that none of the progress he made he would have been able to do without Ian helping him through everything. The only thing Mickey felt bad about was that Mandy seemed to be drifting futher apart from him with each passing day and he wanted to know why she was avoiding him and not Ian.

Mickey was at work when he felt himself starting to get annoyed about Mandy avoiding him and he knew he needed answers. He already talked about it with his therapist who suggested that Mandy may be feeling guilty over not being able to do anything about Terry having him raped. She also suggested that Mandy may still be dealing with her own problems of being raped by her father and her abusive ex boyfriend and that seeing Mickey and knowing what happened to him may be a trigger for her.

Mickey couldnt deny he was hurt by that but he could see where his therapist was coming from so he gave Mandy the space that she needed. It helped that his therapist told him to let Mandy come to him but Mickey couldnt do that anymore, he needed to know, he wanted answers and he needed them now. Mickey thought her avoidance for this long was bullshit and there was more to it but he knew he would never find out until he made her talk to him and it was something that his therapist had said to him in a lot of their sessions.

The only problem was that Mickey wasnt much of a talker unless it was with Ian. Mickey knew that another problem was that when Mandy was confronted or felt cornered she closed up emotionally. She fought back and became aggressive just like he did but all he wanted to do was help his sister too and from the bits that Ian told him he knew that she missed them too but it just hurt too much to be around him. Mickey decided that after work he would go pay her a visit.

 

* * *

 

 

When Mickey finished work he went straight to Mandy's apartment and knocked on the door as he heard familiar laughter inside and he knew Ian was there too. Mickey sighed in relief as the door opened to reveal Mandy who wore a blank expression asking "the fuck you doing here" curiously. Mickey sighed looking at her replying "came to talk" softly. Mandy looked him up and down knowing why her brother showed up at her apartment but she didnt think it would be this soon.

She let him in and shut the door behind him wishing that she had told him to go away but she knew she couldnt keep avoiding him forever not when her best friend was her brother's boyfriend. She turned to see Ian stand up and engulf Mickey in a hug before kissing him on the head blurting out" missed you" softly. Mickey softly laughed looking at Ian replying "youre an idiot" humouredly.

Ian's face slightly turned red as he softly grinned at Mickey who stepped out the embrace. Ian sat back down where Mandy had sat down beside him on the sofa. Mandy looked at her brother asking "so what the fuck do you want" softly. Mickey sighed deciding to get straight to it asking "why the fuck are you avoiding me, you ignore my calls, you only come over to see Ian when I'm not there, I'm not stupid Mandy what the fuck did I do, tell me so I can fix it" firmly.

Mandy knew he was right, she was avoiding him but not for the reasons he seemed to think she was avoidng him for. Mandy shook her head replying "just been busy" evasively. Mickey scoffed replying "I dont believe you, I know you are lying, that shit doesnt work on me" firmly not adding because he did it all the time. Mickey hated that his anger was getting the better of him again as this wasnt the way he planned this confrontation with Mandy for answers.

Mandy didnt want to tell her brother that she couldnt look at him without seeing her father, without seeing that her father did to him what he did to her and she hated it, she hated that she triggered all of that for her brother. She hated that there wasnt a thing she could do to change her and her brother being raped by their father. Ian silently watched them hating that it had come to this, he tried to get Mandy to talk to Mickey for weeks but she wouldnt do it and he knew why but she made him promise to never tell Mickey.

So Ian never told Mickey no matter how much he wanted to because he knew it wasnt his story to tell Mickey no matter how much he thought Mickey should know. Ian did tell her that she was hurting Mickey by avoiding him all the time. Ian just really hated that he felt like Mandy was forcing him to lie to his own boyfriend all the time and he hoped it would end right now. Mandy glared at Mickey who was standing up replying "just leave it alone, you never cared before so why now" icily.

Mickey snapped "no I fucking wont" firmly. Mandy wondered if she told him what he wanted to know or some of it then he would leave her alone defensively replying "look I have a life okay, I'm sort of seeing a girl from work okay, I'm trying to figure shit out" icily. Mickey wasnt convinced asking "you think I'd give a shit about that, I'm fucking gay Mandy, you think I'd be bothered about that, no there is someting else bothering you so what the fuck is it" angrily.

Mandy scoffed deciding to push him away even further replying "never bothered you before, remember that kid you and Terry gay bashed, not the one Terry killed, the other kid from the other side of southside, I'm suprised you didnt tell him about Ian" angrily. Mickey shook his head in disbelief that she brought this up replying "fuck you Mandy, Terry would have killed me if I didnt do it, you think I wanted to do it, I fucking didnt but I had to so he wouldnt focus on me or Ian alright" angrily.

Mickey didnt even hide the hurt from his face adding "and fuck you for bringing Ian into it, I'd never do anything to fucking hurt him" firmly. A tense silence fell as Ian looked between them both hating that they were resorting to hurting each other the worst. Ian noticed the hurt on Mickey's expression and he was pissed at Mandy for saying that to him but he understood the place she was coming from and Ian now knew that Mandy was trying to push her brother away for good.

Mandy scoffed blurting out before she could stop it "still failed to protect Ian from Terry just like you failed to stop Terry from raping both of us" bitterly. Mickey glared at his sister hating that she said that whispering "fuck you, dont blame me for what he did to you, its not my fucking fault" angrily. Ian had enough putting his hand on Mandy's arm interjecting "stop, it wasnt his fault, I wanted him to stay that morning" softly.

Ian looked up at Mickey who had his back to Mandy when Mandy stood up replying "yeah well Mickey all you ever cared about is yourself so why should anything change" as she walked over to the kitchen for a glass of water. Mandy stood in front of the sink violently shaking hating that she said all those words but she was just hurting so much that she wanted someone else to hurt too. She also thought it would probably be better if Mickey hated her rather than admit she hated that she was a trigger for Mickey.

Mickey stood there staring at the floor not knowing how to react and he hated that she was right, all he wanted was Ian and he took the risk and he ended up raped for it and nearly getting Ian killed. Mickey felt that shallow breathing start again he knew it was the build up to a panic attack so he took a deep breath trying to calm himself down. He tried to remember how his therapist told him to focus on something so he doesnt get caught up in the moment and have a panic attack.

As he looked up he saw Ian standing in front of him ready to comfort him but Mickey held his hands up replying "I'm okay I just need some space" softly. Ian shook his head as he looked at Mickey hiding the hurt he felt at Mickey pushing him away but he also know how important Mickey's independance was so he backed off until he was needed. Mickey didnt want to be relying on Ian to help calm him down with the panic attacks.

He knew he needed to do it himself so when it happened when he was somewhere without Ian he knew he could work through the panic attack. Mickey took deep breaths trying to calm himself down and talk himself through it as he looked at Ian who asked "you okay" softly. Mickey shook his head looking straight at him replying "think so or I will be" softly.

Mickey kept looking at Ian as he focued on his breathing and calming himself down thinking that Ian was the light in his world of darkness and he knew as long as he had Ian he would be fine. They remained silent for a few minutes just silently staring at each other as Mickey calmed down even more blurting out "I uh...I didnt freak out, I'm okay" as he softly laughed. Ian grinned at him replying "yeah thats good, I'm proud of you" in a whisper.

Mickey softly laughed looking down at his feet feeling the embarrasment spread on his face not able to say anything so Ian moved towards him and tightly hugged him letting his head fall on Mickey's shoulder breathing in the smell he loved so much. Mickey hugged him back whispering "I love you so fucking much" softly. Ian looked at him replying "I love you too" before kissing him on the forehead.

They were so caught up in each other that they didnt see Mandy silently observing them from the kitchen as she stood beside the sink drinking a glass of water. She decided to asked "the fuck is up with you anyway, the fuck you freaking out for" firmly. Ian and Mickey both stepped back and Mickey ran a hand through his hair replying "I uh...have anxiety and panic attacks, its part of post traumatic stress disorder" softly.

Mickey was waiting for her to judge him and call him weak but all Mandy did was look at her brother before replying "huh okay, guess we all have our shit" softly. Mandy knew she was the last person to judge since she was still trying to deal with her own issues but unlike Mickey she was dealing with it on her own. There was a silence before Mandy sighed adding "I'm sorry for what I said, I just I have all this shit inside and I cant deal with it, it makes me lash out" softly.

Mickey scoffed in disbelief turning to face her replying "no you fucking meant it, you can apologize but at least fucking own what you said" angrily. Mandy glared back at him replying "fine, I own it but its not my fault if you walk around like nothing is bothering you" angrily. Mickey raised his eyebrow replying "yeah like you can fucking talk, the only difference is youre avoiding me" firmly.

Mandy had enough, if Mickey wanted the truth she would give it to him as she angrily stepped forward blurting out "fine you want to know why I'm avoiding you" icily. She pushed on adding "after what you told me what Terry did, everytime I look at you I see him, I see him raping me and not a thing I can fucking about it, he rapes you and I cant do a thing about it, you were in fucking juvie and you couldnt fucking help me, Ian did, and then you get raped and treat Ian like shit when all he wanted to do was help, you pushed him away and forgot he was part of it too, we werent the only ones affected by our father, we were all fucking victims, all three of us and you didnt give a shit" angrily.

Mandy was now screaming the words at them hating that she lost control of her thoughts and couldnt stop the tears streaming down her face. Ian went to go to her but she held her hands up as if to tell him to back off which Ian did. She continued "and then Kenyatta, Ian wanted to fucking kill him for hitting me and you fucking stopped him, you fucking let me leave with him, Ian tried to stop me but I didnt fucking listen, you never gave a shit so dont fucking pretend you fucking did when you didnt" angrily.

There was a silence as Mandy quietly wiped the tears from her eyes trying to regualte her breathing before adding "and when I fucking needed you before I came back your phone number was out of service and so was Ian's, I was fucking all alone and no one gave a shit so I figured why should I give a shit what happens to me, all we are is a piece of shit from southside right, we deserve everything that happenes to us right" letting the words fall into silence.

Mandy couldnt seem to stop herself from twisting the knife some more blurting out "and you never gave a shit about Ian, you treated him like shit at the start and he still wanted you even though I told him he should cut his losses and find someone better, just didnt know he was talking about you at the time and then you fucking marry some whore just because dad said so" icily.

Mickey angrily replied "fuck you Mandy, you dont know a fucking thing about what I went through, do you know what its like knowing you are the thing that Terry fucking hates, do you know what its like when Terry forces you to beat someone to near death just because they are gay knowing the same fucking thing will happen to you if he ever fucking finds out" angrily. Mickey glared at her as he scoffed adding "I married that bitch because dad threatened to kill Ian if I didnt, I was fucking lucky he didnt kill me or Ian that day, okay yeah at first I treated Ian like shit but I started to care about him, I nearly got him fucking killed, you really think I wasnt going to marry that bitch and have dad kill Ian, I fucking love Ian, everything I did was to protect him so dont stand there telling me what you think you fucking know when you fucking dont know shit" angrily.

Mickey felt his anger start to take over and only started to calm down when he felt Ian's hand on his shoulder and fell silent not know where the outburst came from. Mickey looked at Mandy blurting "I never had anything in that house, when Ian came along I decided I was keeping him and Terry could go fuck off, everything I did was for Ian, I wanted it all and I lost it, I took the risk and I still fucking failed to protect him from Terry so dont stand there and fucking tell me I dont deserve anything or I dont deserve Ian when you of all people know what I had to put up with, all the beatings and abuse that no one else seemed to get as much as I did" bitterly.

Mickey and Ian stood there silently looking at her not knowing what to say but they knew she needed her space. Mandy rubbed her face with her hands knowing he was right but she got just as much blurting out "so why the fuck do you get to be happy, you dont fucking deserve it, I dont fucking deserve it, we're fucking Milkovich's, we're nothing but pieces of shit and you fucking know it" bitterly. Ian didnt know what to say as Mickey blurted out "thats Terry's shit in our heads so stop thinking that shit, it isnt true and dont fucking say I dont deserve to be happy or that you do, we both do" softly.

Ian and Mickey both realized at the same time just how broken Mandy was since she came back and they were both pissed off that they never noticed it until now. But they both knew that Mandy was also good at hiding what she didnt want people to know. Mandy sighed as she looked at the ground replying "I know you hate me for what I said earlier, I just hate myself so much I want to hurt someone and youre the target so I'm sorry" softly. Ian rushed over to her and hugged her tightly replying "we dont hate you, its okay" softly.

Mickey sighed replying "dont ever fucking say that again, you sounded just like Terry so dont pull that shit again" as he looked at her. Mandy shook her head as she hugged Ian tightly hating that they were seeing her like this, she didnt mind in front of Ian but it was worse in front of her brother.

There was another silence before Mickey felt like he needed to get out there, he needed space as he felt the walls of the apartment start to close in on him and that anxious feeling was building up in him and he needed to get out of there because he said too much. Mickey sighed knowing he needed to be alone and he felt like he couldnt breathe again blurting out "I need to get the fuck out of here" before walking out of the apartment.

 

* * *

 

 

Mandy sighed as she sat back down blurting out " I just fuck everything up dont I" sadly. Ian sat beside her putting his arm around her wanting to scream at her for what she said to Mickey replying "you cut too close to the bone and really hurt him" softly. Mandy sighed not even trying to hide the hurt and regret in her voice replying "no I fucked up and he hates me for it" softly. Ian sighed as he looked at her replying "why did you say it" curiously.

Mandy sighed looking down at her hand replying "I dont know, I 'm just so fucking angry and I dont know who I'm angry at, you know, I always took it out on Mickey before and it never bothered him until now" in a broken voice. Ian wanted to go after Mickey but he knew Mandy needed him too replying "you just have to figure out who youre pissed at but Mandy you cant say that shit to him, he isnt who he was back then anymore, you dont know him like I do. Ian wasnt going to tell her how much Mickey had changed and that he was afraid that Mickey would have a relaspe and cut himself again.

Ever since those two nights where Ian saw Mickey slice into his wrist with a knife Ian was scared he would try to kill himself and it would work. Ian hugged Mandy before telling her "look I need to go find him" softly. Mandy nodded her head hiding the sting of hurt she felt at Ian's words replying "go" softly. He walked to the door and was about to open it when Mandy stood up and looked at him blurting out "I know I'm fucked up but I'm trying not to be, what I said was fucked up and even though I want to I cant take it back" in a broken voice.

Ian sighed feeling the anger he had drain out of him as he walked back over to her and hugged her tightly before looking at her replying "I know, I've said enough fucked up things to Mickey and he still let me back in his life even though I didnt fucking deserve it, he will come round" softly. Mandy let the tears fall from her eyes not hiding the regret on her face as Ian added "just give him a few days but Mandy you better have a good explanation for him" firmly.

Mandy shook her head wiping her face dry with her hand replying "I will" softly. Ian blurted out "I got to go" before he left the apartment. Mandy watched him leave knowing he was right, she really hurt her brother but she was afraid that was really her intention. She hated that Mickey did so much shit to other people and got be happy while all she was always nice to people within reason and just wanted to be loved but got treated like shit in return.

She sighed as she sat down on the sofa feeling that self loathing in her stomach get bigger with each breath. When Ian left Mandy's apartment he went looking for Mickey in the few places he thought his boyfriend would be but Ian couldnt find him so went back to their apartment knowing Mickey would come back when he was ready.

 

* * *

 

 

When Ian got into the apartment he shut the door behind him and locked it before he walked over to the kitchen area for a glass of water and to take his meds with some food. He was so lost in his thoughts and annoyance at Mandy and worrying about his boyfriend that he didnt see Mickey who was sitting over on the sofa with an open bottle of whiskey on the table and staring at a knife in his hand.

When Ian turned around to go sit on the sofa and wait for Mickey he was suprised Mickey was already home but he didnt like the way Mickey was staring at the knife in his hand. Ian ran his hand through his hair before walking over and sitting beside Mickey putting his hand on top of where Mickey was holding the knife. Mickey slightly flinced at the touch as he was broken out of his thoughts when felt Ian touch him and looked up not hiding the hurt and tears in his eyes as Ian asked "I'd ask if you are okay but I dont know if you are" curiously.

Mickey softly laughed at Ian replying "I dont know, I'm trying to figure it out" hesitantly. Ian relaxed a little asking "you do it" looking at the knife. Mickey remained silent before looking at the knife replying "I wanted to when I left Mandy's but when I got here I had to think about it, still havent done it, still deciding so I dont know" in a broken voice. Ian was confused asking "you try the questions that Ramirez told you to do" curiously. Mickey softly shrugged his shoulder replying "yeah but I'm stuck on the last one of is it worth it and will I feel better for it" softly.

Whenever Mickey discussed wanting to cut himself in therapy Ramirez always told him to acknoledge that wanted to cut himself and let him feel the feelings that were driving him to cut himself. She also told him to try and figure out why he wanted to cut himself, would it be worth it and would he feel better for it but he was stuck on the last one because he always felt better after cutting himself.

When he cut himself it was like a release for him, a temporary distraction of physical pain from the real pain he felt inside and in his mind. But this time he wasnt sure if he wanted to or not and he was still undecided as to what to do. Ian wanted nothing more to grab the knife and throw it away but he knew this was a choice Mickey needed to make for himself so he didnt do anything.

Mickey sighed still looking at the knife blurting out "I think the moment passed, I dont feel as angry as I did when I left Mandy's and the urge to do it isnt as strong" hesitantly. Ian looked at Mickey asking "but you still want to" curiously. Mickey shrugged his shoulder looking at Ian replying "yeah, I dont know, I mean part of me feels like it isnt worth it, I regretted it the second time you found me, I hated that I relapsed like that and I felt so weak and pathetic and I dont think I will feel better if I do it this time" softly.

Mickey bit his lip before adding "this is fucking hard, there is part of me that wants to do it, to hurt myself because I think I fucking deserve it because I'm weak and pathetic but the other part of me just wants to get better, I just hate being like this" angrily. Ian hated seeing Mickey so torn up like this over what to do and he really hated asking this "you going to do it then" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian and then back down at the knife for what felt like a few minutes before he sighed and threw the knife on the table blurting out "think I would have done it by now if I really wanted to so I dont think it would be worth it, felt like I was fucking trying to talk myself into doing it" angrily. Ian sat back on the sofa pressed right up against Mickey and put his arm over his shoulders replying "fucking proud of you, you did good today" firmly. Mickey looked down at his hands feeling his face turn red as he shoved at Ian replying "fuck off with that shit would you" with no anger in his voice.

Ian looked at Mickey as he laughed replying "no, you love it" humoredly. Mickey shook his head replying "fuck you asshole" softly before laughing. Ian ignored it deciding to pull Mickey into a hug and kissed on top of his head as he felt Mickey moved to his side to wrap his arm around his waist. Mickey didnt say anything knowing a small part of him loved when Ian said that to him but he wouldnt admit to Ian that he loved it when Ian talked to him the way he did.

Mickey also knew that Ian was right about today. Mickey knew that three months ago Mandy's words would have sent him off the deep end where he would have a full blown panic attack and drink until he felt numb enought to cut himself before passing out drunk. But today Mickey felt something change inside himself, even though he struggled with calming down from a panic attack and from a relasping in cutting himself.

He felt something else today, Mandy's words didnt shatter him to the point he thought they would and he knew they would have six months ago. Even thought it hurt to hear those words and while he felt they were true they didnt break him into pieces and he realized he felt something he hadnt felt in a long time, he felt strong again. Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian who was still looking at him with a grin on his face.

Mickey shook his head as his idiot boyfriend blurting out "I think I'm going to be okay, feel stronger too" firmly. Ian grinned at him again replying "yeah thats great" firmly. Mickey slightly laughed looking at Ian not hiding the insecurity in voice asking "could relapse though, sure you want to hang around for that" softly. Ian looked at him with a confused expression replying with a hint of anger in his voice "you know I do, I could relapse too, meds could stop working and I could go manic again or could be in bed for weeks, you sure you want to hang around for that" firmly.

Mickey scoffed replying "fuck yeah I do" firmly. Both of them seeing how serious the other person was they decided to relax before Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck pulling him in for a kiss which grew heated before Mickey stopped and looked Ian up and down before blurting out "um I'm going to bed" softly. Ian looked at Mickey with a confused expression as Mickey got up and walked towards their bedroom adding "you coming or what" as he looked over his shoulder at Ian with smirk on his face. Ian laughed before quickly following Mickey into the bedroom and shutting the door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't mean to make Mandy a bitch because that isn't what I am aiming to do. Anyone that has siblings knows that when they fight they hit low and hard and considering who Mickey and Mandy are I would say that is what they would do when they fight. There is a reason why Mandy acted the way she did and it will all be explained. And I think this chapter is a real turning point for Mickey too. Also those tips Mickey's therapist suggested for stopping his self harm are what my own therapist gave me when I used to cut myself. It does work after a while, just takes time.


	21. Like a bullet in my soul kill me forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Mandy has some explaining to do

Mandy hadnt seen Mickey and Ian in a few days since her argument with Mickey as she mostly stayed in her apartment when she wasnt working. She was currently sitting in her apartment looking at the tv screen but not paying attention to whatever show was on as she was thinking that Ian was right when he told her she needed to get her shit together and explain herself to Mickey.

She knew her brother well enough to know that what she said affected him even though he brushed it off and left her apartment. Ian also confirmed it for her by telling her that Mickey wasnt who he was back in south side anymore. Mandy just felt like complete shit and bad over what she said and she wasnt sure why she said it so she spent the last few days getting her thoughts together so she could give an explanation.

She didnt know how she was going to fix this and even though Ian told her to give Mickey a few days to calm down and he would listen to her, she didnt quite believe her best friend. She knew Mickey held grudges especially to those who done him wrong and she knew she did him wrong by saying what she did, she knew all to well what he had to put up with from their father.

She also knew he did his best to protect her from Terry as much as he could even going as far to taking the beatings that were for Mandy. And how did she repay him, she threw it back in his face like it meant nothing at all. She couldnt deal with the fact that Terry raped her brother through a prostitue. All her life she saw Mickey as the strong one, he protected her, he dealt with the brunt of his father's rage and never complained about it.

She looked up to him in that way, she wanted to be strong like he was and to see him violated like she was by their father she didnt know how he could remain so strong while she was falling apart inside. But she noticed something the other day when they were fighting. She noticed that Mickey didnt seem as strong anymore, if anything she thought he looked broken too considering the way he clung on to Ian like an anchor.

She hated seeing that weakness because she saw it in herself and despised herself for it and took it out on him. The only thing was she didnt know how to fix this, she screwed up the moment she let her anger get the better of her the other day. She thought Mickey would get over it like he always did back in south side but seeing his face the other day and the way he left the apartment she didnt think he would get over it this time.

She thought her brother would hate her now and she couldnt blame him or Ian if they never spoke to her again. She knew her outburst came out of fear, fear of her father finding them and making them move back to south side. Fear of Terry killing Ian and Mickey too out of punishment and raping her again and she would have no one to protect her anymore because Mickey would be dead.

She hated that she was scared and couldnt protect herself from her father and it made her feel worthless and weak and it didnt matter that she knew Terry was dead and couldnt hurt her anymore. Her father and all of her ex-boyfriends made her feel worthless, pathetic and weak. The only exception was Ian and he was her pretend boyfriend and it was just her luck that he was gay. She didnt mean that in a bad way but it just made her a bit envious of her brother.

She hated that her brother got worse from Terry and still managed to end up happy and it wasnt like Mickey was looking for a relationship. All Mandy wanted was to be loved and she tried so hard for it to happen but it never did, she always thought if she did what the other person wanted then they would completely accept her. She knew she let herself be used by other people to feel wanted and accepted but she still ended up alone.

She sighed to herself as she sat on the sofa wondering what to do now. She knew she needed to talk to her brother and Ian but she was afraid that they hated her now. She drove them away like she drove everyone else away and she hated herself for pushing away the two people who actually gave a genuine shit about her and she didnt know how to fix it either.

She only came back to Chicago because they were the only people worth coming back to Chicago for and she ended up making them hate her just as much as she hated herself. She needed to fix this and while she didnt know how she knew she was going to fix it or at least try and to do that she needed to talk to Ian and Mickey and try and make them understand why she said what she did.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was sitting on the sofa in his apartment eating leftovers that Ian made the day before with a bottle of beer as he watched tv and waited for Ian to get home from work. He had an early shift in the bar and was just home from work where the memory of his fight with Mandy took over his brain again. It took him a day or two to stop feeling angry and hurt over her words and Ian helped make him see things a bit more clearly from Mandy's perspective.

Now Mickey was just confused and just wanted to know why she said what she did but there was no way he was going to go knocking on her door. He made that clear to Ian, that she was the one in the wrong, not him and that she could apologize and fix it and Ian agreed. He didnt know how to clear the air with his sister but he knew that her avoiding the place spoke volumes and that her avoidance of him just told him that she knew she was the one in the wrong.

Mickey didnt get why she said what she did, he just wondered was she out to deliberately hurt him like their father always did. He was always afraid of turning into his father but he also knew that having Ian in his life made sure that he would never become anything like his piece of shit father. But Mickey never thought it would Mandy that would turn on him like his father did and he couldnt deny that it hurt and that her words hurt him deeply.

Mickey didnt know how to protect her from her father, he didnt know for sure that their father was abusing his only daughter. Mickey had an idea of what was happening but his mind never let him go to that place, it was almost as if he had an idea of what was happening but ignored it. Mickey didnt what he could do if he did know what his father was doing to Mandy but he was glad that she had Ian to help her get money for the abortion.

Mickey never failed to be suprised that Ian always looked out for her even back in the early days of their relationship when Mickey kept Ian at a distance. When Mickey found out their father raped Mandy he was disgusted, he hated his father even more and he hated himself for not being there to stop it all because he landed in ass in juvie over a fucking Snickers bar because he was jealous.

Mickey scoffed to himself at the memory knowing it wouldnt have happened if it hadnt of been for the irritating red head that barged his way into his life with a tire iron. Mickey really hated that in that house he was slowly becoming like his father, he was slowly turning into the he thing he hated. Mickey knew at first it was an act for survival but after so many years he could feel who he really was becoming more repressed with each day and the fake skin he wore to appease his father was becoming more real with each day.

But now that his father was dead he knew he didnt have to pretend to be anything like his father anymore. Mickey just wanted to remove any part of himself that resembled his father in any way but he just didnt know how to do it. He was broken from his thoughts when felt Ian sit beside him with his own plate food and watching the tv in front of him. Mickey nudged him with his shoulder as he looked at him asking "when did you get back" curiously.

Ian looked over at him replying "a few minutes ago, called you but you ignored me" lightly before shovelling more food in his mouth. Mickey laughed replying "sorry, thinking about stuff" humoredely before going back to eating his own food. Ian laughed ignoring it instead blurting out "you'll be glad to know the asshole quit" firmly. Mickey knew who Ian was on about replying "good, means I wont need to give him another beating" icily.

Ian laughed again replying "you sound dissapointed" humoredly. Mickey softly laughed replying "shut the fuck up" in a light tone. Ian ignored it replying "the asshole didnt even show up since that day but just called in and said he quit, gave no reason so we're in the clear" firmly. Mickey sighed feeling relieved that it wouldnt come back on Ian replying "thats good" softly. A comfortable silence fell before Ian asked "you thinking about Mandy again" curiously.

Mickey thought about lying but he knew Ian would know he was lying so blurted out "yeah, just dont know why she is so pissed at me, she said shit Terry would say, I'm trying to not be like him but then she acts like him and fucking says I am him" in a frustrated tone. Ian sighed looking at him replying "think she is just lashing out but she is wrong, you arent your dad" firmly.

Mickey looked up at him replying "glad one of us thinks so but I aint fucking aplogizing, she was the one in the wrong" firmly. Ian looked at him replying "I agree and no you shouldnt apologize" firmly. They fell into comfortable silence as they ate their food and watched whatever show was playing on the television. Ian wasnt paying to much attention to it as all he thought about was what was Mandy's problem.

He knew there was something bothering her but whenever he bright it up with her she changed the conversation. Ian was angry with her for saying what she did to Mickey and he made it clear to her that he was pissed off at her too. Ian didnt understand why she she felt the way she did, he thought that with Terry being dead that they would all move on but Terry was still a shadow hanging over all of them and he hated it.

Ian just hoped Mandy would sort her shit out and talk to Mickey because he knew Mickey was affected by what she said and she was the only one who could fix it. Ian knew there was no way he letting Mickey fall back into old habits just because of what Mandy said but he was afraid that it was enough to send Mickey back to how he was before he started therapy.

 

* * *

 

 

A few hours later Mickey was leaning back on the sofa with his feet up on the table and Ian was sitting right up against him with his head resting on Mickey's shoulder as they watched an action movie. Ian moved a bit closer taking Mickey's hand in his keeping his eyes on the movie just as there was a knock on the door. Mickey kissed the top of Ian's head before whispering "ignore it, they will go away" softly.

Ian softly laughed as he squeezed Mickey's hand leaning into the touch when Mickey ran his other hand through his red hair sighing in contentment. There was another louder knock on the door as someone shouted "I know you are in there assholes, let me the fuck in" firmly. Ian looked up at Mickey who looked back at him in amusement both of them knowing it was Mandy as she shouted "I can hear the television so let me in" firmly.

Mickey didnt want to talk to her right now as he was too busy enjoying his quiet time with Ian as he looked over at the door shouting "fuck off Mandy, we're busy" angrily. Mandy just shouted back "I want to fucking talk to you so let me in" firmly. Mickey sighed slightly shaking his head looking down and his hand in Ian's hand. Ian sat up and looked at him telling him "we have to talk sometime, she made the effort to come over here" softly.

Mickey looked at him softly replying "just dont want to talk now but she's here so might as fucking well get it over with" tiredly. Ian sighed nodding his head as he went to answer the door and let Mandy into the apartment. As Ian sat back down beside Mickey and Mandy sat in the small armchair facing them Mickey sighed as he got up and went to the fridge letting out "I need beer for this" firmly.

When he sat back down beside Ian Mandy looked at him telling "I'm sorry for what I said the other day" genuinely. Mickey scoffed as he looked at her replying "so it took you a few days to tell me that" icily. Mandy sighed replying "I needed to get my head straight okay" firmly. Ian interjected "hear her out Mickey" softly. Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian before looking at Mandy telling her "fine" firmly.

Mandy looked down at her hands blurting out "I didnt mean it, I fucked up and I just wanted to hurt you and I knew what buttons to push" softly. Mickey scoffed but remained silent trying to keep control of his temper and that voice in his head telling him dont be like Terry so give her a chance. Mandy paused putting her thoughts together before adding "I know you got most of the beatings in the house and you took a lot of beatings for all of us and it wasnt fair and I threw it in your face and I'm sorry for it" firmly.

Ian and Mickey silently looked at her as she added "I just cant deal with it, cant deal with that he raped you too, he must have really hated us to rape both of us, cant deal with the fact that every time you see me you are reminded of that" in a self loathing tone.

Mandy remained silent before adding "I just always looked at you as a strong person you know, that you always stayed on the right side of his beatings if you could, I wanted to be strong like you but I couldnt, Terry made me feel like a piece of shit when he raped me, I thought I was off limits for him, the rest of you were fair game because you were men, but he just saw me as a girl there to be violated, in a way its worse than being beaten" as she tried to stop the tears falling down her face.

Mickey went to say something but Mandy got there first adding "I just didnt know how I could be strong like you when I felt so weak and falling part inside, when you said he had you raped by a prostitue and threatened to kill Ian I realized that if you couldnt be strong then there was no way I could be strong anymore, I didnt know how you managed to remain strong and I hated it" softly.

Mickey blurted out "I'm far from fucking strong, he made sure of that Mandy, I just hid it well, I had to pretend I didnt give a shit, do you know how hard it was to hide being gay from him, he made me gay bash a kid when I was fourteen and also made me sleep with a girl when I was fifteen, didnt fucking want to do either thing but I had to so he wouldnt focus his attention on me, everything I did was for survival, I was just smart enough to play his fucking game and stay off his fucking radar, I needed him far away from Ian too" firmly.

Mickey rubbed his face with his and adding "he nearly killed Ian because of me, its the only reason I tried to push Ian away but I decided I couldnt be what Terry wanted anymore" firmly. Mandy slightly shook her head replying "the other day when you had your panic attack I noticed you werent that strong person anymore, Terry broke you down and I dont mean it in a bad way but you looked weak and only because its I see myself as weak and I thought if you can be broken down there is no hope for me and my anger at myself got the better of me" in a broken voice.

Mandy looked at her brother adding "I dont know how to fix this and I know you hate me but I really am sorry" firmly. Mickey sighed as he looked at her replying "apology accepted" softly. Mandy softly smiled as she looked down replying "I'm just so scared, I was scared he would find us and make us go back to southside and kill Ian too just to punish you and then kill you and then he would rape me again and you wouldnt be there to protect me anymore, he always left me alone when you were there, it was only when you were gone that he would rape me" in a broken voice.

Ian looked at her interjecting "he cant hurt you anymore" firmly. Mandy just hated that she felt so scared and weak and that it was showing on her face and body language but neither Ian or Mickey said anything about it even though they noticed it. They just didnt say anything because it was what they felt too for a long time. A comfortable silence fell before Ian looked at Mandy telling her "come sit beside me" as he patted the seat beside him.

Mickey moved over a bit on the sofa and Ian moved with him before Mandy sat on the other side of Ian. Ian put his arm over her shoulder pulling her in for a hug telling her "youre still my best friend Mandy, you know I love you" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "thought I was your best friend" softly. Mandy rested her head on Ian's shoulder as she lightly punched Mickey in the stomach replying "he was mine first asshole" in a light tone.

Ian softly laughed as he looked at Mickey blurting out "got a point" humoredely. Mickey rolled his eyes at both of them replying "what the fuck ever" softly. Ian slightly laughed as they fell back into silence and watched the movie playing on the television. Mandy sighed thinking that maybe things would be okay now, she might not have fixed things completely but she would try and that was enough for now.

Later on Mandy sat up looking at them both blurting out "I have a girlfriend" bluntly. Ian grinned at her as Mickey looked at her in confusion but they both remained silent. Mandy shrugged her shoulders adding "she's my friend from work, that I do the kickboxing with, we started hanging out and doing stuff together and now we're going out with each other, it just happened, its weird but I really like her, she's nice to me and treats me nice too" shyly.

Ian grinned more at her leaning in to hug her tightly replying "that's great Mandy. I'm happy for you" genuinely. Mickey watched as Ian sat back in his original position before looking at Mandy adding "I dont give a shit but I thought you were straight" curiously. Mandy slightly laughed at her brother's comment looking at him replying "so did I but guess not, didnt know it until it happened but I think I'm bi-sexual and although my girlfriend is gay she helped me see bi-sexuality does exist, never really had the chance to find out in southside considering who our dad was" softly.

Mickey scoffed replying "fucking true" icily. Ian softly laughed replying "anyone think its funny that two of Terry's kids are queer" humoredely. Mickey laughed relishing in the irony as Mandy looked at Ian replying "good enough for him, I dont really care either" firmly. Mickey looked between the two of them adding "wish he was alive so I could just tell him, it would really finish him off, he would fucking die from the heart attack alone" angrily.

Ian looked at Mickey grabbing his hand giving him a knowing smile and Mickey calmed down at the touch as he looked at Ian feeling so glad he had Ian in his life. Mickey looked at Mandy replying "you know I dont care right, I'm gay remember, is that why you havent been around lately" curiously. Mandy shyly smiled replying "yeah, I just want to be around her all the time you know" softly. Ian and Mickey slightly laughed and looked at each other knowing what she meant because they were the same with each other.

Mandy softly smiled at them hiding her excitement asking "so you are okay with it" curiously. Ian shook his head looking at her replying "I know some people in the gay community dont accept bi-sexual people and think they just dont want to make a choice or are closet gay but I dont agree with them, sexuality isnt fixed and some dont realize it until later in life so its fine" firmly.

Mickey looked at her replying "what he said and I'm fine with it too" firmly. Mandy grinned at them both wondering what the hell she was worrying about and she was glad to see she was just over thinking it because they didnt give a shit and she loved her brother and her best friend for that. A comfortable silence fell before Mandy looked at them replying "I'm going to head home for a while before work, thanks for letting me stay for a while and for the talk and accepting me" softly.

Ian looked at her replying "its fine Mandy" firmly. Mickey looked at her replying "come by the bar tomorrow night, might give you a free drink and bring your girlfriend so I can make sure she passes the standard good enough for my sister test" humordely. Ian laughed and threw his head back before he looked at Mickey replying "fuck no you will scare her off" in a light tone.

Mickey looked at Ian replying "hey if she has nothing to worry about then she wont be fucking scared off" in a light tone. Mandy shook her head knowing that was Mickey's closest response to youre welcome she would ever get replying "yeah okay whatever" firmly. Before she walked away Mickey added "and youre not a reminder so dont think that" firmly. Mandy softly smiled but it didnt make her feel any better as she replied "I'll try" softly before turning to leave the apartment.

Ian walked her to the door asking "I'll see you tomorrow at the gym yeah" curiously. Mandy shook her head replying "yeah" softly. Mandy paused before adding "I just dont know what to do anymore you know" softly. Ian hugged her again replying "I'll help you" firmly. Mandy shook her head knowing he would replying "thanks" before she left the apartment. Ian sat back down beside Mickey who looked at Ian blurting out "wasnt expecting that, cant believe she thought I'd have a problem with it" in a hurt tone.

Ian sighed looking at Mickey replying "some find it harder to come to terms with it than others especially if you like both genders" softly. Mickey shrugged replying "fair point" softly. A silence fell as Mickey silently drank his beer that picked up off the table before Ian asked "you feel better yet" curiously. Mickey looked at him as he sighed "could be the beer talking but yeah I do" trying but failing to sound convincing. Ian noticed it too as he slightly laughed replying "sure" softly.

Mickey rolled his eyes finishing off the bottle and put it on the table replying "whatever, I'm tired, can we go to bed" firmly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah" before turning off the television and they both went to bed feeling glad that they cleared the air with Mandy. Ian realized that it wasnt just him and Mickey that were broken but Mandy was in her own way too, he just hoped they could become stronger from all of this.

As they lay in bed in the darkness Ian hugged Mickey from behind and pulled him closer to him blurting out "I think we might be okay now and Mandy too" softly. Mickey pushed himself backwards closer to Ian replying "fucking hope so" softly. For the first time in a long time Mickey actually believed what Ian said and he even thought the might be okay not that Terry was dead and gone for good.

Mickey ignored that small bit of self doubt telling him to be careful but he wanted to believe that they would be okay. Mickey knew he had nothing to be afraid of anymore as the threat of his father was gone but he hated that Mandy thought she was a reminder of his father having him raped. Mickey was suprised at her last words because she wasnt a trigger for him and he didnt know why she thought that she was but he was too overwhelemed at her words to give her any comfort other than she could never be a reminder of that awful day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it was okay, it felt like it was. I know its a bit out of the blue Mandy being bi-sexual but it can happen like that especially when you have never had the opportunity or chance to find out considering the homophobic environment she grew up in where you think being straight is the default sexuality.


	22. I cannot fight against myself no more, self destruction that I predicted not so long ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a time jump in this chapter to move the story along.

Mickey stood in front of the mirror in their bathroom half dressed lightly running his fingers over the scars on his hips and stomach and ribs as he absently heard Ian in the shower behind him. Mickey kept staring at them in the reflection of the mirror caught in a feeling of hating them, hating how he had fallen so deep he wasnt sure he could ever come back from it but he was fucking trying.

He softly sighed to himself running his finger over the scars some deeper than others, some more detailed in that you could tell if it was done with a razor blade or a knife. Mickey looked at the other faint smaller cuts that you could tell were done with scissors that he stabbed into himself when he was drunk and high and wanted to hurt something or mainly himself.

Mickey looked at the newly scarred cuts on his wrists and arms wondering what his father would say about him now. Mickey knew what his father would say, that he was a pussy, a fag, a wimp, a coward that resorted to hurting himself because he couldnt deal with his stupid weak pathetic girly emotions. Mickey vaguely felt Ian's hand briefly touch his shoulder but by the time he noticed it the touch had dissappeared making him wonder if it really happened at all.

It had been three months since Mandy had come over to apologize and he was in a much better place with his sister since she had come back to Chicago. He also liked her girlfriend and Ian did too and they both agreed she was good for Mandy. Mandy still annoyed him most of the time but he was glad they were both making the effort to be nicer to each other and be less like their father and it was something they worked on individually and together.

Mickey looked at the deeper scars on his arms running his fingers over them feeling a sense of regret wishing he never did that, wished he never put Ian through having to see him on the floor after sliting his wrists like Monica did all those years ago. Mickey hated himself for putting Ian through that again and he knew he would give anything to take it back but he couldnt and it was hard to deal with it. It didnt make any difference that his therapist told him all he could do was to make sure he never let himself get in that position again, never fall into that place where he felt so lost and cornered that he didnt see any other way out.

Mickey worked on not letting himself get to that place of dispair as he never wanted put Ian through that again. It had been six months since Mickey last cut himself and he felt strangely proud of it although he gave most of the credit to Ian. Mickey knew Ian was proud of him for it since the redhead always told him, always reminded him that he was worth something, was worth something to him and that Mickey was the strongest person he knew.

Mickey knew it had been six months since he made Ian worry about him and afraid he would lose him for good and Mickey hated himself for it. But it was enough to make him get stronger and fight the urge to relapse and cut himself again. He had a few moments where he nearly did because of some asshole at the bar triggering a memory for him but Mickey knew that person wasnt worth hurting himself over.

Mickey was still struggling to not cut himself, to not tell himself he was worthless but he was trying and it was more than he ever did in the past. He just hoped one day he would believe it but he knew Ian already believed it and it was enough for him and he thought that maybe it wasnt so bad having Ian being the strong one for him as he was the strong one when Ian was first diagnosed with bipolar.

Mickey looked at the scar on his wrist rubbing his thumb into it letting out a sigh as he felt Ian wrap his arms around his shoulders from behind standing right up against him and kissing him on the neck. Mickey leaned into it as he was broken from his thoughts and looked up at mirror to see Ian grinning at him and was now fully dressed. Mickey wondered how long he had been standing there figuring it must have been a while if Ian was fully dressed as Ian asked "you okay" curiously.

Mickey bit lip hiding a small smile as he looked at Ian replying "yeah just thinking" softly. Mickey looked back down at his wrist adding "its been six months since I cut myself, this is the last one I did" softly. Ian looked down to see Mickey lightly rubbing the scar on his wrist and swallowed the lump his throat hating that it reminded him of that night and what would have happened if he hadnt wanted a glass of water.

Ian sighed resting his head against Mickey's and grabbing his wrist with his own hand and rubbing lightly over the scar blurting out "you scared me that night" softly. Mickey looked up and lightly nudged Ian in the ribs forcing him to looking at him as he replied "I'm sorry, I didnt mean to do that, didnt mean to do a Monica on you" firmly. Ian looked at Mickey in the mirror not hiding the hurt and how scared he was in his eyes replying "I know" softly.

Mickey sighed as he turned around to face Ian replying "I'll never be that low again Ian, I'm stronger now, I might relapse but it wont be that bad, I'm getting better and youre fucking helping me" firmly. Ian softly smiled wrapping his arms around Mickey's waist looking at him replying "I know, just need you" softly. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck with his hand and rubbed it knowing how insecure Ian was replying "need you too so I'm not fucking going anywhere, you hear me" firmly.

Ian heard it and softly grinned also knowing Mickey was still afraid Ian would leave replying "yeah and same with me" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "good" humoredely. They fell into a comfortable silence before Ian blurted out "cant believe its just over a year since I saw you again, to think I nearly didnt force myself to talk to you that night, just wish I never broke up with you that day" in a broken voice.

Mickey noticed the look of pain and regret on Ian's face and in his voice replying "its done, no point in thinking about it anymore, we worked it out didnt we" firmly. Ian sighed slightly shaking his head looking at Mickey replying "yeah but still feel like shit over it, regret it too" softly. Mickey looked at him replying "that's the way I feel about this cut from that night, I regret it and I hate that I fucking did it to you but I cant change it even thought I want to, we both cant change it, but it worked out okay" firmly. Ian looked down at his feet knowing Mickey was right as he blurted out "I know but I'll just never forgive myself for that day" softly.

Mickey sighed resting his hand on Ian's shoulder and pulled him closer with his other hand on Ian's hip replying "well you should, you fucked up and you know it anyway I forgave you for it months ago" firmly. Ian looked up not hiding the suprise from his face so Mickey further explained "I get it, I get why you wanted to push me away, when you came into the bar that night a year ago I wanted to do the same, I wanted you with me but at the same time I thought you didnt deserve my shit being dumped on you and wanted to push you away because I thought you deserved better, so I get it and its why I forgave you for it ages ago so you just have to forgive yourself" firmly.

Ian didnt really know how he could do that but he would try even though he was never able to forgive himself for anything that he fucked up for himself and it didnt matter that Mickey always told him to stop being so hard on himself. They fell into a comfortable silence before Ian sighed letting his eyes close resting his forehead against the top of Mickey's head blurting out "I'm tired, feel a bit low too in energy, didnt feel like getting up today" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian with a concerned expression hoping Ian wasnt crashing into a depressive spiral hesitantly asking "you take your meds" curiously. Ian softly smiled before opening his eyes and leaned back to look at him replying "yeah but my doctor and therapist think its could just be from doing too much and worrying about Terry finding us, they agreed that its probably normal tired but to just keep an eye on the meds and if there is a change in my mood but I feel fine in terms of mood apart from being tired, just dont want to do anything today, think I'm just being lazy" softly.

Mickey slightly laughed hiding his worried expression replying "yeah well its our day off so I'll be lazy with you" firmly. Ian softly laughed replying "good" before walking out of the bathroom. Mickey shook his head as he watched Ian leave the room before he went to their bedroom to put on a tshirt that he was sure belonged to Ian but he didnt really care anymore since their clothes were now all mixed up in the drawer.

 

* * *

 

 

Later on that day they were sitting on the sofa watching an action movie when Ian moved to rest his head on Mickey's shoulder not able to really concentrate on the movie. Ian silently reached for Mickey's wrist and absently rubbed over the fresh scar wondering why he was so scared and why could he not stop thinking about the night that Mickey nearly killed himself.

Everytime he felt those scars on his boyfriends body he felt cold, he felt scared, he felt scared he wouldnt be there the next time Mickey needed someone to be there when he needed someone to help him. Ian didnt want to let Mickey out of his sight after that night and even though Mickey reassured him that it wasnt going to happen, that he was stronger now, it didnt stop that fear that Ian felt.

It didnt stop Ian feeling like he was going to lose everything, he was going to lose the one person who mattered to him the most permanently and he wouldnt be there to stop it. Ian looked down at his hand on Mickey's wrist before moving his hand under the bottom of Mickey's shirt and lightlly rubbing his thumb over the scars feeling the raised scar where it healed. The action broke Mickey's attention from the movie as he looked at Ian who was looking down at his hand under his shirt.

Mickey let out a quiet sigh running his hand through Ian's hair knowing that Ian was freaking out again, he knew Ian was worried ever since that night Mickey tried to kill himself. Mickey had been aware that he scared Ian and that his reassurances seemed to have done nothing to comfort the redhead so he decided to get some answers and make Ian talk. Mickey's other hand that Ian wasnt just holding was lightly gripping Ian's thigh so he gently squeezed it asking "the fucks up with you" curiously.

Ian ignored it deciding he didnt want to talk before replying "nothing, just tired" evasively. Mickey wasnt buying it as he grabbed Ian's hair with his other hand replying "come on Ian, talk to me" softly. When he didnt get a response he pushed "is this because of when I tried to kill myself twice, I told you it was a moment of weakness, its not going to happen again, I'm stronger now" firmly. Ian lightly shook his head knowing that was true because Mickey told him all of that already.

Another silence fell before Mickey added "I know something is bothering you, you think I dont notice your fixation with my scars, I cant change them, I wish I could but I cant" hestitantly. Mickey hated seeing Ian like this and he was about to say something else when Ian blurted out "I know but I'm scared" in a whisper. Mickey almost didnt hear it but he did and he hated himself even more for that night.

Ian decided he couldnt hold it in anymore and sat up a little straighter to look at Mickey adding "that night it reminded me of when Monica tried the same thing only worse" hesitantly. Mickey sighed not hiding the guilt in his expression replying "shit Ian, I'm sorry for doing that to you, I'm not Monica and neither are you" firmly. Ian slightly shook his head replying "I know but I'm scared that I am, I'm scared I'm going to do that to you, I'm scared that you will do it again and I wont be there to stop it and that I will lose you for good" softly.

Ian looked down to the ground while Mickey remained quiet knowing he felt the same thing, he felt like one day Ian's meds would stop working and he would be gone for good. Mickey looked at Ian grabbing the side of his face with his hand forcing Ian to look at him before replying "you think I dont think that too and about you too, I am scared it will happen, that something will fucking set me off but I'm working on it so it wont happen, I'm scared that your meds will stop working and you will leave or kill yourself because youre depressed and I wont be there to stop it but I'm sure as fuck not going to sit around thinking about it" firmly.

Ian shook his head in agreement but he couldnt help it, it was his nature to worry about stuff and overthink everything, he knew he probably got it from Fiona. Mickey was getting angry, he was angry that Ian was worrying about him and frustrated that Ian wouldnt talk to him about it. Ian sighed replying "I know, I'm scared they will stop working too, just scared of losing everything, that if I do I've become Monica" in a broken voice.

Mickey ran his hand through Ian's hair looking at him adding "you have to stop worrying about shit, you know stress isnt good for you, that could trigger an episode that you dont want" in a concerned tone. Ian knew Mickey was right but it was hard to change an old habit he always had ever since childhood. Mickey relaxed a bit knowing Ian was always insecure when it came to his mother adding "you arent Monica, you give a shit and she doesnt, remember that and if shit hits the fan for both of us then we'll be there, we take care each other right, we're fucking family remember" firmly.

Ian softly laughed looking at Mickey replying "yeah" softly. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck replying "good, no point in thinking about shit that hasnt fucking happened yet and probably wont, now can we get back to watching the movie" firmly. Ian laughed shaking his head in disbelief replying "sure" softly. They went back to watching the movie and Mickey kept his arm around Ian's shoulders and Ian was glad of the warmth and comfort and their conversation as he rested his head against Mickeys shoulder.

When the movie finished Mickey's phone buzzed on the table and Ian leaned forward to grab it and handed it to Mickey as he decided to get a glass of water. Ian went to the sink and poured himself a glass of water and drank it in one go before putting the glass down in the sink and wiping his lips with his hand feeling glad that he talked with Mickey about what was bothering him for a while now.

He was also relieved that Mickey had the same fears but decided he wasnt going to worry about shit that hadnt happened yet and would deal with it if and when it did happen. Ian knew Mickey was right about the stress affecting his meds and his stability so he decided worrying about stuff that was out of his control wasnt worth risking his stability. Ian knew Mickey could take care of himself but it didnt mean he couldnt stop worrying about his boyfriend but he was going to try and be less obsessive about it and overthinking it everyday.

Ian decided if something happened with either of them then they would both deal with it when it happened because they both knew the other wasnt going anywhere. Ian poured another glass of water and went back over to sit on the sofa beside Mickey who asked "you okay now" in a concerned tone. Ian put the glass of water on the table and sat back down as he looked at Mickey replying "I am now, youre right, I'm going to try and not worry about stuff that hasnt happened yet and I've no control over" softly. Mickey bit down a grin looking at Ian replying "good" firmly.

Mickey leaned forward and reached for the glass of water and took a drink from it and put it back on the table before leaning back on the sofa. He looked at Ian telling him "Mandy and Iggy are at the bar where I work, they want to know if we want to go over for a while, dont have to go if you dont want to, I can always tell them no" softly. Ian sat sideward on the sofa looking at ground as he thought about it before looking at Mickey asking "you want to go" curiously.

Mickey softly laughed leaning his head back and looking at the ceiling replying "dont know why they have to go to the place where I fucking work" tiredly. Ian rolled his eyes slightly laughing as he grabbed Mickey's arm replying "come on, it will be fun" in a light tone. Mickey felt Ian move closer to him and bit back a smile as Ian pushed "we can sit at the bar and you can bitch about everyone with me, you cant do it when youre working" pleadingly.

Mickey laughed rubbing his face with his hand replying "I bitch about them assholes when I am working, I even fucking tell them to their faces and they know it" humoredely. Mickey didnt mind going to the bar but he just wanted to stay with Ian in their apartment for a whole day since it had been a while they spent a lot of time together as they were both busy with work.

And for that reason Mickey just wanted Ian all to himself for twenty four hours and he was nearly at the twenty four hour mark. Mickey heard Ian laugh and was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian sit on top of him with a leg each side of him replying "come on, all we do is stay here" firmly. Mickey groaned as he looked at Ian blurting out before he stop it "I just wanted you to my fucking self for twenty four hours but that couldnt happen could it and it was so close to twenty four hours, like two hours away" tiredly.

Mickey realized what he said and looked down biting his lip to hide his embarrasment wrapping his arms around Ian and pulling him closer to him hiding his face in Ian's chest shaking his head in disbelief that he said it out loud. Ian softly laughed wrapping his arms around Mickey shoulders and kissing the top of his head before replying "well then we'll get some food before going to the bar, that will take two hours at most and then it will be twenty fours hours, you know guys at the fairytale would have killed to have that deal with me and youre getting it for free" humouredly.

Mickey growled pinching Ian in the side replying "shut the fuck up" in a muffled voice. Ian laughed again deciding not to embarass Mickey anymore replying "tell them we'll be there later, I'll go make some food" firmly. Ian went to stand up but Mickey pulled him back grabbing the back of his neck with his hand and pulling him in for a kiss that Ian put a stop to before it went too far and went to make some food.

Mickey watched Ian walk away letting out a sigh feeling his mortification slowly leave his body knowing Ian would never let him live that outburst down but once he kept it between them Mickey found he didnt care at all. Mickey sent a message to Mandy that they might be at the bar later and put the phone on the table before going to join Ian in the kitchen. They never did make it to bar that night as Mickey persuaded Ian to stay in for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a time jump to show how Mickey is moving on and getting better and I wanted to show how much its affected Ian too. I have this head canon thing for a while that Mickey always blurts out something embarrassing to Ian without meaning to. Also there is only about 3 chapters left after this one, I'm sad about that but then I remind myself that this story was about Mickey healing himself and Ian getting his second chance.


	23. Feels like my breath is heavy again and I'm totally faded

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is from Ian's point of view. Also I wanted to challenge myself and did some research too which I hope is accurate.

Ian's mood just got worse by the day until he was forced to admit the medications packed in and werent working anymore. He knew they werent working because he gradually just felt even more low, tired and less energetic as the days passed. He just felt that strange familiar feeling in the back of his mind where he didnt want to do anything but stay in bed all day and night and stare at the wall.

He knew what it was but he ignored it thinking that maybe he was pushing himself too hard at work and that he might have been over-training and that was what was making him tired. It didnt help that up until now he felt fine, he felt happier than he had in a long time since before he broke up with Mickey. He was still stable, had his boyfriend and his best friend back and his other best friend Mandy so he hung onto that feeling like it was lifeline.

He was also in touch with his brother Carl too which he felt good about because he still had a connection to his family in some way. It also helped that Carl didnt treat him any differently since his diagnosis and it made it easier for Ian to accept his brother back in his life even though the rest of his family were still in the wind doing their own thing. He was in a good place with Mickey too and Mickey was also in a good place too dealing with his PTSD and anxiety and panic attacks.

They were both getting better and stronger each day even though they both still had bad days since they got back together. Ian couldnt believe they were back together for over a year and he certainly wouldnt have believed it if someone told him that before he walked back into Mickey's life. Ian was just finishing up at work with his last client of the day and he couldnt wait to see Mickey as he decided he was going to just go straight to the bar to see his boyfriend for a while before going home.

They had missed seeing each other over the last few days as Mickey had to cover for someone at the bar who took time off at the last minute so Mickey stepped in for them which meant they didnt see each other after work. And it was for those reasons that Ian felt himself ignoring the warning signs that his doctor told him to look out for but after the last day or two he couldnt ignore it anymore.

He took his medications and kept his routine but he couldnt deny it anymore that it wasnt working, he felt his mind slipping back into that dark place he knew too well when he wasnt medicated. So he knew he needed to do something before it was too late so he decided to go see his therapist and his doctor to see if he needed a new combination of medications.

Before Ian left work called ahead and managed to get an appointment and left work to go straight to meeting with his doctor and therapist. When he got there he told them everything and the three of them made the agreement to change the medications. When Ian told them he felt like the current medications werent working and he could feel that he was slipping towards another episode they suggested that an adjustment might not be enough.

Ian just hated that he could feel a depressive episode coming on so he and Mickey were just waiting for it to happen but hoping it wouldnt at the same time even though his doctor told him it was looking like it could happen. At the end of his appointment they both agreed he needed a new combination of medications so he went to a pharmacy and bought his meds before going to see Mickey.

Ian was walking down the street in a world of his own thoughts. Ever since Ian moved up northside he mostly kept to himself, only talked to people at work, in the bar where Mickey worked and the few people he knew there along with Mandy and her girlfriend and Iggy and Carl and his doctor and therapist. He didnt really like being around people anymore because he knew they would judge him for being bipolar except the small group of people he knew who didnt give a shit about his disorder. He was accepted by them and that was all that mattered to him, they were all he needed especially Mickey.

Ian hated that his meds just stopped working just when he was starting to get his life back together. He hated that his body developed a tolerance for his current combination and he really didnt want to start a new combination with unknown side effects. He didnt want to go through all that again, go through all the different dosages just to find the sweet spot where he felt functioning and able to live his life. Ian knew he worked hard in therapy to not feel like his disorder defined him, that he had to live within constraints of his disorder.

Sometimes he felt like his disorder owned him, he didnt have control of it and he hated that he was stuck with it for the rest of his life. It was hard for him not to feel envious of his siblings who came away without a scratch from their mother's genetics. And it was times like this that hated his family, he hated that they got to live their lives the way they wanted while he had to work so he could remain stable. Ian just felt so lost again as he remembered when he left with Monica who told him that no one could understand him like she did.

Ian briefly wondered if he was better off staying with her and but he now knew she was wrong, so wrong and he hated her for her mind games and he hated himself for believing her at the time. Ian felt like he didnt have a family anymore, he lost them because of his disorder and it was another reason he hated his mother, his disorder and himself too. When he was first diagnosed and called her all he wanted was someone to help him understand his disorder, to tell him it would be okay and he could handle it.

But Monica couldnt do that, she twisted his thinking and made him feel like he was just a burden to Mickey despite what Mickey told him otherwise. But now Ian didnt see himself as a burden to Mickey although he did think that his family thought he was a burden and that was why they abandoned him when he needed them the most. Instead of helping him they all compared him to Monica and called him another Monica and that hurt more than the actual diagnosis itself. But at the time Ian was too hurt and in too much denial to see that Mickey never treated him like a burden or made him feel like one either.

Ian was suprised that even then Mickey fought for Ian, told him didnt care about the diagnosis and that it was manageable and they would get through it together. But now that insecure part of him wondered would Mickey feel the same way when he found out the medication stopped working. Ian knew Mickey wouldnt leave but that doubt in the back of his mind kept whispering away but he chose to ignore it as he walked to the bar a few streets away.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was down in the cellar at the bar changing a keg when his co worker came downstairs and told him Ian was in the bar and looked like something was wrong. Mickey almost paniced thinking it must have been the meds that gave out completely and Ian was feeling shit so when his co worker told him he would finish the job in the cellar Mickey thanked him and went back upstairs.

Mickey had a feeling that this would happen because Ian's mood and energy levels had been getting worse but he hoped that it would just be another dosage adjustment like last time. When Mickey saw Ian at the bar tossing back a shot of vodka with the bottle beside him he knew it was bad, he knew it was more than a dosage change. Mickey sighed to himself muttering "shit" softly.

Mickey walked around the side of the bar and stood beside Ian and grabbed Ian's arm just as he was about to refill the shot glass again. Ian looked at Mickey not able to hide the tears in his eyes feeling his whole world crashing down and Mickey wanted to kill whoever put that lost look in Ian's eyes. Ian didnt really care that he was almost crying in the middle of a bar or trying to get drunk.

He thought that since the meds stopped working he might as well enjoy a few drinks since he stayed clear of alcohol for the past year. Mickey felt sad for Ian because he saw how hard he worked at being stable as he asked "what's wrong" softly. Ian wiped his lips with the sleeve of his hoodie "my meds stopped working, got a new combination so might as well enjoy a few drinks right" in a broken voice.

Mickey sighed hating that this happened knowing that Ian hated this part blurting out "fuck" softly. Ian used his other hand to pick up the bottle of vodka and tossed back a drink and put it back on the bar. Mickey stood right up against Ian pulling Ian in for a hug before he grabbed the back of Ian's neck forcing Ian to look at him as he told him "come with me" softly.

Mickey grabbed Ian's hand as they both walked behind the bar and into the small office at the back of the bar. When they got into the small room Mickey shut the door and directed Ian to sit in the chair beside the small table as he grabbed the other chair and sat beside Ian looking at him asking "tell me what happened from the start" softly.

Ian sniffed and wiped the tears from his eyes feeling himself falling into that depressive spiral blurting out "I felt okay today compared to the last few days but I cant lie to myself and pretend the meds are still working when they arent so I got a new combination to start" softly.

Mickey looked at him asking "what did the doctor say" curiously. Ian shrugged replying "just that my body built up a tolerance to the combination and that an adjustment might not work since it was already tweaked a few times, she said I had a good run but it happens, she gave me new ones but I have to start all over again, its like the last time again and I hate it, fuck knows what the side effects are" in a broken voice.

Mickey moved closer to Ian grabbing the back of his neck replying "and we'll get through it okay, I'm here" firmly. Ian looked at him with watery eyes and small smile feeling like that small insecure ten year old boy again replying "I know" softly. Ian sighed trying to calm himself down adding "I just feel like Monica was right that no one would understand people like us and that we're better off together, I just feel like a fucking burden" softly.

Mickey sighed rubbing his hand on the back of Ian's neck looking at him replying "well youre not at least not to me and Mandy" firmly. Ian looked up at him seeing Mickey was genuine replying "I know, its just hard not to think it sometimes, I just feel so insecure and that you will leave me someday" softly. Mickey sighed knowing how insecure Ian was replying "well youre not a fucking burden to me and I'm not going to leave and I'll keep saying it until you fucking believe me" firmly.

Ian softly laughed replying "good because I only want you" hesitantly. A comfortable silence fell when there was knock on the office door so Mickey shouted "I'll be out in a fucking minute" loudly. Ian sighed blurting out "you can go if you want" hesitantly. Mickey shook his head replying "fuck no, those fucks can wait, youre more important to me" firmly. An Ian believed it standing up running his hand through his hair in frustration replying "I hate this, I hate this shit, why does it have to be me thats bipolar" angrily.

Mickey moved to stand in front of Ian hugging him tightly replying "I know and its shit" softly. Mickey looked at Ian adding "I know you hate it but we can get through it okay" firmly. Ian looked down at his feet shaking his head feeling himself calm down replying "yeah" in a broken voice. Mickey looked at Ian asking "you got the meds with you yeah" curiously. Ian shook his head mumbling "yeah" in a whisper.

Mickey softly laughed asking "whats that mumbles" jokingly. Ian softly laughed looking at Mickey replying "yeah" softly. Ian knew he needed to take his new combination of medication and he wasnt going to let Monica ruin his stability but he knew Mickey had faced worse and got through it so he could too. Ian sighed asking "can I get some water and some peanuts or something" in small voice.

Mickey rubbed Ian's shoulders with his hands in support replying "I'll get you anything you want, food, drugs, guns, male hookers, anything you need" humordely. Ian laughed knowing Mickey always went out of his way to make him laugh when he felt like shit. Mickey softly smiled at Ian telling him "I'll be back in a minute" softly. Mickey left the room and got Ian some water and peanuts before coming back into the room and closing the door again asking "you want me to come home with you, we're short staffed tonight but I can get Mandy to cover me since her bar is also owned by my boss" firmly.

Ian didnt want to go home looking at Mickey replying "can I stay here" softly. Mickey sighed replying "yeah you can" firmly. Ian looked down at his feet before asking "can you make sure no one comes in here, I just want to be alone" not adding that he wanted to be around Mickey again. Mickey seemed to know what Ian wanted and Ian knew he did as Mickey put the stuff on the table replying "yeah" firmly.

Mickey was about to leave when Ian grabbed him and hugged him tightly as Mickey told him "I'm here okay, not going anywhere" in assurance. Ian was glad for it as he looked at Mickey kissed him before letting Mickey go back to work. Ian watched the door close after Mickey left and sighed before he took his new medications with the packet of peanuts on the table.

He read the side effects of the medications wanting to know what he would have to deal with this time around feeling like he could do this, he had been through the worst on his own but now he had Mickey so he knew it would be easier. He just hated that his meds stopped working and he hated that now he had to wait for the new ones to start working and for his mood to level out.

Ian really hated that this happened because he knew he would be in an inbetween mood where he didnt really know how he felt but just numb until the meds took effect. Ian stayed in the small office for the rest of Mickey's shift feeling glad that Mickey gave him the space he needed as he just wanted to be alone so he could think about things. Ian didnt know how long he had been sitting there until he was broken from his thoughts when he heard the door open and Mickey walked in telling him "its time go home, you ready" firmly. Ian looked up at him replying "yeah" softly. They left the bar and walked back home to their apartment in comfortable silence and then went to bed.

 

* * *

 

 

It took a few weeks for Ian's mood to level out and the new medications to start working and for Ian to feel back to his normal self or close to it. He still felt a bit numb but not as bad as he was a few weeks ago. It was hard as he always felt on the edge of falling into another depressive episode and the medications made him feel like shit until they just started to do their job.

He almost wanted to give up but his stability was something he wanted a lot more so he stuck with it and the side effects werent as bad as he thought they would be and he was getting used to them too. It helped that he stayed with his routine by going to work and keeping up with his work outs in the gym and his diet. Ian woke up lying on his back feeling a hand lightly gripping his upper arm and looked over to see Mickey was lying on his side still asleep.

Ian let out a sigh before yawning and looked over at the clock on the table beside the bed seeing it was time to take his meds. He got up and went to get a glass or water and toast to take with meds and went back to bed and lay back down under the covers. He wrapped himself around Mickey just wanting to go back to sleep as he lay there waiting for the side effects of tremors and dizziness to pass.

Ian hated the side effects but he knew they could be worse so he decided to give the new combination a chance and stuck with it and he was glad he did because they werent as bad as they were when he started. Ian pulled himself closer to Mickey until there was no space left between them under the covers before he blurted out "you awake" curiously. Mickey let out a soft laugh wrapping his arms around Ian keeping his eyes closed replying "I am now" softly.

Mickey had already been awake when he felt Ian get out of bed but he just too comfortable to open his eyes and wake up. Mickey opened his eyes to look at Ian blurting out "already was really, felt cold when you left" softly. Ian softly laughed replying "I'm back now to warm you up" humouredly. Mickey slightly laughed blurting out "not letting you leave now" firmly.

Ian softly laughed again letting his eyes close pushing himself closer to Mickey so their foreheads were touching waiting for the side effects to pass when Mickey rubbed his hand up and down Ian's back. Ian opened his eyes again replying "dont want to leave just yet" softly. Ian hated that he had to get up for work and he really didnt want to go, instead he just wanted to stay home with his boyfriend but he couldnt because he needed the money.

Ian blurted out "I hate this" in a whisper. Mickey heard it softly rubbing the back of Ian's head with his hand as he looked at him whispering "I know you do" softly. Ian took a deep breath and let out a sigh at the touch thinking he could never get fed up of moments like this with Mickey when it was just the two of them in bed together in the early morning all sleepy and relaxed and in their own world. Mickey hated that Ian had to go through this everyday but there was nothing he could do about it and he wished he could fix it so Ian didnt have to go through this every time he took his meds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research on side effects and I don't know if they pass after a few minutes or they last all the time until they just go away and fade over time. So I wrote it the way I did. But I have read that when the meds stop working you can feel a gradual change in mood over several days until you know they stopped working and can feel a depressive or mania spiral. So I hope this was accurate and not wrong. I wrote this because I wanted to challenge myself in my writing and tried to do as much research as I could on the internet but I know the internet isn't always accurate so I apologize if I am wrong.


	24. I'll be there when there's nothing left and night and day holding you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The happier times are coming. Mickey gets some good luck and all Ian wants is free drinks and to text his boyfriend when he should be working...you will know when you read it.

Mickey was having another nightmare where Terry had appeared from the shadows of his room and loomed over him and Ian before Mickey reacted to the intruder by punching Terry in the face. Mickey woke up lying on his back with a sharp jolt grabbing for Ian who was lying on his side looking at him asking "another nightmare" curiously. Mickey sighed as he gripped Ian's arm and relaxed using his other hand to rub his eyes replying "yeah, not as bad as they used to be but still fucking hate them" tiredly.

Mickey turned on his side facing Ian adding "he came out of nowhere this time, stood over us while we slept but I punched the fucker in the face this time" firmly. Ian grinned back at him slightly laughing replying "good" softly. Mickey sighed looking at Ian replying "yeah, the sooner they go away for good the better" softly. Ian asked "still having them" curiously. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "sometimes, not as much as I used to also they arent as intense as they used to be, I can sort of figure out its just a dream, its weird but it takes practise" softly.

Ian softly smiled as he wrapped his arms around Mickey pulling him closer to him before asking "how often do you have them now, havent been elbowed in the stomach for a while" humouredly. Mickey sighed at his needy boyfriend and pushed against Ian with his body wrapping his arms around him looking at him replying "fuck you asshole but if you really want to know they used to be every night but now its a few times a week so I cant complain, its fucking better than what it used to be" softly. Ian softly smiled replying "good" firmly.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Mickey moved right against Ian letting out a sigh closing his eyes wishing he didnt have to get up soon. Ian hugged Mickey closer to him so their faces were nearly touching before blurting out "talked to Carl the other day, he said Monica left south side, think she got fed up waiting for me to show up and left" softly.

Mickey opened his eyes to look at Ian replying "think she will be back" curiously. Ian thought about it hoping she wouldnt replying "hope not, scared she will find us here, she always has a habit of showing up when you least expect it" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "well if she does we'll tell her where to go and if she doesnt listen I'll threaten to break every fucking knuckle in her hand" firmly. Ian lightly grinned at Mickey being protective of him replying "okay" softly. Mickey scoffed looking at Ian replying "you think I'm joking, I'm not, she fucked shit up enough for us already, not letting her get away with that, not again" angrily.

Ian fought the smile threatening to break out on his face as he looked at Mickey silently before hugging his boyfriend tighter and kissed him letting him know just how much he loved him. Mickey struggled at first mumbling in between Ian kissing him "we have to get up for work Ian" softly. Ian ignored it replying "so we'll be late" softly. Mickey sighed completely giving into Ian deciding he didnt care anymore if they were late, right now all he wanted was Ian and he was going to have it so work could fuck off.

Ian didnt know who to thank for having Mickey walk back into his life and for Mickey to give him another chance was an even bigger bonus he never thought would happen. Ian knew when Mickey was hurt there no chance of ever getting back on his good side ever again but for some reason Mickey let him back into his life. When Ian first saw Mickey in the bar all those months ago all he wanted to do was just have the chance to aplogize and try and be friends but to have what they had now was even better. Ian never thought this right now was possible, he never thought Mickey would let him back in the way he did over the last number of months but he did and Ian swore to himself he would not fuck it up again.

 

* * *

 

 

They both got to work a half an hour late but Mickey didnt care at all especially since his boss wouldnt be at the bar yet for another few hours so he knew he was in the clear this time. He cleaned up the bar from the previous night and was restocking the shelves from a delivery that just arrived when his boss walked into the bar to talk to him about something.

Mickey was actually worried because he was never called by his boss to speak to him and Mickey was afraid an annoying customer made a complaint about him. When his boss left a few hours later after talking to him Mickey got to work deciding he would wait to tell Ian in person to tell him the news and he couldnt believe that it wasnt something such as he was being fired. Mickey knew he was brash, loud and sometimes downright rude especially if a drunk customer was too handsy with him or someone else and needed to be thrown out or was being rude.

He also knew that while some customers seemed to find his behaviour amusing there were some who found it intimidating not that he cared. He was re-reading the latest text message from Ian wondering did his idiot boyfriend actually do any work at all since all he seemed to do was text Mickey when was supposed to be working. Mickey found he actually didnt mind and he picked up when his phone rang "Ian the fuck you calling me for" humouredly.

Mickey heard a door shut in the background as Ian replied "I'm finished asshole, told you I was only in for a few hours and that Mandy was my last client for the day" firmly. Mickey laughed replying "yeah and you spent most of it talking to me asshole" as he restocked the shelves. Ian scoffed replying "didnt hear you complaining although Mandy did because I was cutting into her time, anyway we were quiet and no one needed me for help so had to pass the time" softly.

Mickey scoffed replying "whatever and not suprised Mandy was pissed at you" firmly. There was a silence before Ian asked "can I come over" curiously. Mickey shook his head in disbelief at his needy boyfriend replying "you just saw me this morning and made me late but yeah get your ass over here fuckhead, front door's open" humoredly. Ian laughed replying "I'm on my way, be there in a few minutes" softly before hanging up the phone.

Mickey quietly laughed to himself putting his phone on the bartop and grabbed the books to check over the numbers as he was just promoted to assistant manager. Mickey sat on one of the stools on the other side of the bar and looked around still not quite believing he was just promoted a few hours ago. Mickey scoffed and slightly laughed in disbelief thinking if his father could see him now he would have a heart attack at a Milkovich being legit.

Mickey almost wished his father was still alive so he could tell him he got promoted just so his father would have a heart attack and die on the spot. Mickey quietly laughed at the thought just as he felt Ian press right against his back and hug him tightly from behind and kiss him on top his head as Mickey blurted out "the fucks up with you today" humouredly.

Ian stayed where he was resting his face against Mickey's head replying "nothing just missed you, told you we should have called in sick today since we were already late" firmly. Truthfully Ian just felt good again, not manic good and not feeling like he was going to fall into a depressive episode since the new medications started working. Mickey rolled his eyes rubbing his hand up and down Ian's arm replying "and do what" curiously.

Ian shrugged his shoulders replying "continue what we did last night and this morning, you know exorcising Terry's ghost was good, Terry is dead so whats not to celebrate over that" lightly. Mickey laughed replying "youre a fucking idiot, we exorcised his ghost by fucking all over the house the day we went back to south side" humoredely. Ian hugged Mickey tighter replying "yeah but I'm your idiot" firmly. Mickey shook his head in disbelief as Ian asked "so why did you have to come in early today" curiously.

Mickey turned his head a bit to look at Ian replying "boss wanted to talk to me, thought I was going to be fired for being rude to annoying customers who fucking deserve it but turns out I was getting a promotion to assistant manager, the boss wants less time here so promoted me" lightly. Ian leaned back "what" softly. Mickey stood up and turned around facing Ian slightly raisng his eyebrow replying "yeah, youre now looking at manager material, I'm fucking respectable now, Terry would be rolling in his fucking grave if he's even in one, wish the fucker was still alive so I could see his face when I told him" humouredly.

Ian stepped closer to Mickey pushing him against the bar slightly laughing asking "so do I get free drinks now" curiously. Mickey softly laughed as he looked at Ian pulling him closer by grabbing Ian's hips with his hands replying "maybe, not getting fired over your ass anyway I've always given you free drinks so shut the fuck up" lightly. Ian scoffed as he looked at Mickey lustfully replying "true but we can do other things in the back room" softly.

Mickey laughed as he lightly shoved Ian replying "fuck no, no way am I doing that here, we do enough of that at home" humoredely. Ian bit his lip to hid his grin replying "fine, wouldnt want to get you fired" in a teasing tone. Mickey rolled his eyes as he grabbed the back of Ian's neck and kissed him before he sighed blurting out "just waiting for it all to go fucking wrong or some shit" softly.

Ian hugged him again before he looked at Mickey replying "it wont, Terry's dead, we havent heard anything from people he knows, chances are he was too disgusted a Milkovich was gay and didnt want it getting out so he told no one about it or that he was looking for you" firmly. Mickey looked at Ian silently thinking Ian had a point but that fear was still there even though he had been working hard on getting over his post traumatic stress disorder.

Mickey nodded in agreement resting his hands on Ian's hips replying "I know, its just hard you know, me, you and Mandy have finally fucking gotten to a good place and I feel like if I let my guard drop it will all come crashing down and I will think I shouldnt have let my guard drop" in a broken voice. Ian nodded seeing where Mickey coming from so he replied "that's the way I feel with Monica, there is always a chance I will see her here even though I dont want to but I realized I cant let it affect my life even if I think I am going to end up like her, maybe I am like her, I dont know" hesitantly.

Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck replying "youre not Monica just like I'm not my piece of shit father" firmly. Ian softly smiled at Mickey replying "yeah youre right, if it happens then it happens but for now I just want to live my life with you and Mandy and if I see Monica then I will deal with it then" firmly. Mickey knew Ian was right but something told him he needed to do it if he was going to get over everyting and stop living in fear of Terry's ghost.

He looked at Ian replying "yeah and we'll fucking deal with it if shit happens" firmly. Ian grinned at Mickey mischeviously as he pressed right up against him asking "so you here all day on your own" curiously. Mickey scoffed as he looked at Ian replying "no, my boss is coming back in a while, wants to start training me since I have no previous experience" firmly. Ian frowned replying "so I guess I'm not allowed stay" humouredly.

Mickey softly laughed blurting out before he could stop it "no youre too distracting" humoredly. Mickey looked down trying to hide his embarrasment by resting his forehead on Ian's shoulder. Ian softly laughed as he looked at Mickey replying "good to know" firmly. Mickey groaned in disbelief hating that he admitted that out loud and he knew Ian would never let it go either. He was proven right when Ian asked "so how am I distracting" in a flirting tone.

Mickey groaned again blurting out "fuck off" softly. Ian softly laughed hugging his boyfriend replying "okay I'll stop but I'll get it out of you eventually" firmly. Mickey shook his head looking up at Ian replying "no you fucking wont" firmly. Ian looked at Mickey like he didnt believe it and Mickey knew Ian didnt believe it and Mickey was also sure that Ian would get it out of him eventually but he wasnt going to make it easy for the redhead.

Ian decided to change the conversation asking "so any other perks to this promotion" curiously. Mickey almost sighed in relief at the change of conversation replying "more money, better hours, and as far as I know I wont have to stay here until three in the morning cleaning up anymore, get to be home at a fucking reasonable time so we get to see more of each other" firmly. Ian rasied his eyebrow reigning in his excitment at seeing more of Mickey asking "and free drinks for me too" lightly.

Mickey laughed as he looked at Ian replying "yeah and free drinks for you but not Mandy, she can fucking pay like everyone else" humoredely. Ian laughed replying "now I feel really special, like its only me that gets free drinks" humoredly. Mickey scoffed replying "yeah dont fucking flatter yourself, you aint that fucking special" in a light tone. Ian rolled his eyes replying "not what you said last night" softly.

Mickey scoffed wishing Ian would shut up as he blurted out "shut the fuck up" tiredly. Ian laughed but never got the chance to say anything as his boss came back into the bar to start his managerial training. Before Ian left Mickey grabbed his arm adding "I'll see you later" firmly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah" firmly before he left the bar. Mickey watched Ian leave before he turned around to discuss his training with his boss.

 

* * *

 

Later that night Mickey had finished his training with boss and was finished working his regular shift for the night and couldnt wait to get back home to Ian. He inwardly groaned at how domestic he had become but couldnt care less because dare he say it he was fucking happy. He was in the back room behind the bar sitting in the small chair when he noticed he felt good all night.

He didnt feel like he was constantly looking over his shoulder waiting for Terry to jump out at him from the shadows of the dimly lit room. The loud grabby customers got to him a little and made him feel anxious but he managed it by telling them to fuck off and learn some personal boundaries. He also didnt have a panic attack and when he felt on the verge of one he was able to calm himself down.

It made him feel better, in control and it made him feel stronger too which he couldnt deny to himself felt fucking good after years of feeling like he was losing it and not good enough. He knew he had Ian to thank for most of it but his therapist reminded him that it was him that done all the hard work and Ian helped too but to give himself most of the credit and not Ian.

Mickey knew she was right but he also knew just how much having Ian in his life again did for him, he thought his therapist didnt get just how much Ian did for him. Mickey even explained it to her in one of their sessions, how Ian pushed him hard because he saw something there that Mickey didnt and couldnt see. Ian always pushed him for more and more until Mickey gave it in small amounts each time but it was never enough for Ian even when Mickey clearly needed space.

Ian wanted more and more each time and Mickey wanted to give Ian what he wanted but he was afraid at the start. He was afraid of what his father would do when he found out and his worst fear happened, his father nearly killed them both and he still lost Ian and would have lost him again if he hadnt have come out that night. Mickey told her all of this and that he didnt care if Ian was manipulative in forcing him to come out in front of everyone and not giving him space after the rape.

Mickey saw her point and told her while part of him agreed that he was forced into coming out he also saw it from Ian's point of view too and he didnt want Ian to be relegated to a mistress. In his mind Ian didnt deserve that at all so he made a choice that night and he didnt regret it because Ian made him feel free. He found he didnt regret letting Ian back into his life again because he knew Ian knew that he fucked up and wouldnt be doing it again.

Mickey sighed as he looked around the small room deciding he would rather be free with Ian than be miserable under his father's roof back in south side trapped in a loveless marraige and a kid that reminded him of that awful day. Mickey didnt want to think about that so went back out to the bar to see Ian sitting in one of the seats at the bar looking at his phone.

Mickey grabbed a beer and a non alcoholic beer for Ian and went to the other side of the bar to sit beside Ian who looked up blurting out "hey you finished already" curiously. Mickey took a drink from the the bottle of beer to hide the small smile on his face at seeing Ian before replying "yeah, got you a drink" firmly. Ian looked at the bottle sitting in front of him and took a drink from it and put the bottle down before standing up in front of Mickey putting his hands on his shoulders replying "its free right" humouredly.

Mickey snorted replying "yes, please dont start talking like something out of a bad porno" in a light tone. Ian laughed and then grinned as he looked at Mickey replying "and how do you know what a bad porno looks like" curiously. Mickey scoffed shaking his head in disbelief replying "not even going to answer that" humoredly. Ian laughed and Mickey shrugged his shoulders as he laughed looking at Ian who just pulled him off his seat and pushed him up against the bar and stood flat against him and kissed him letting him know how much he missed him.

When they finished Mickey softly laughed looking down at his feet trying to hide his embarrasment wondering would the embarrasment of the public displays of affections from Ian ever go away. He didnt think they would but he found he didnt care not when Ian was grinning at him with a shit eating grin and looking at him like they were the only ones in the room. Ian broke the silence asking "so those guys I was talking to the last night I was here are at one of the tables, saw them on the way in, invited us to join them, you want to or want to go home" curiously. Mickey wasnt lying when he looked at Ian replying "dont want to go home yet so lets go over there for a while" firmly.

Ian grinned at him as they picked up their drinks from the bar and made their way over to the table to talk to the two guys that invited Ian and Mickey over. As they all talked Mickey noticed how happy Ian looked, he knew Ian was more sociable than he was and he knew he would do anything to keep a smile on Ian's face. As the night went on Mickey found the more he got know these guys away from work he actually liked them and could see them all hanging out again sometime soon but not too much. Mickey could only take people in small doses but for Ian he would try and he knew that was enough for both of them.

 

* * *

 

The next morning Mickey woke up facing the wall and turned over to face Ian who was lying on his back still asleep. Mickey closed his eyes again putting his arm over Ian's waist and pulled himself right up against Ian's side tangling their legs together and pulling Ian closer to him even more feeling the heat from Ian's body on his skin. Mickey sighed in contentment and wasnt suprised Ian didnt wake up as he moved his hand to the side of Ian's head and softly kissed the side of his face before resting his head on the pillow beside Ian's head resting his hand on Ian's shoulder under the covers.

Mickey closed his eyes trying to get back to sleep but sleep wouldnt come so he just lay there thinking over last night at the bar and when they got back to the apartment where they didnt get much sleep. Mickey was just glad they both had the day off so he could stay in bed with Ian all day. Mickey hated himself for feeling that way about Ian but he was starting to find he didnt care anymore. Ian made him happy and he made Ian happy and that was all he cared about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the epilogue and since its getting so long I may break it into two chapters. Have it nearly finished and the editing the first part but still working on the second part.


	25. Something about you makes me stronger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to split the final part of the story into two separate chapters, it just got too long so I split it up into two parts. This is part one

They finally did it, they all finally made it to a place where they could be happy and Mickey couldnt believe his luck at all. A few months had passed since Ian had his relapse and needed new medication and now he was completely stable which they were both happy about especially Ian. Both Mickey and Ian couldnt believe it had been a year and a half since they got back together as it was something they both thought would never happen after the way they broke up.

Mickey was at work one night when he realized he was actually happy even though the bar was busy. He almost laughed to himself when he realized that before Ian came back into his life he would be freaking out right now because of a panic attack. The stench of alcohol and smoke in the air along with the handsy customers were no longer a trigger for him anymore even though it still made him anxious but he could control it which was good enough for him.

The dimly lit room and dark shadows didnt haunt him the way they did in the past which meant he could relax. They didnt make him feel like his father was lurking in the shadows ready to pounce at any minute to kill him and Ian too. Mickey still hadnt cut himself since that night and although he had his moments where he nearly relapsed he found that he was strong enough to be able to talk himself out of harming himself and it made him feel good that he had that control over his life.

Mickey still had anxiety but it was nowhere near as bad as it used to be and it helped he was still going to therapy to deal with it but he could feel his time in therapy was coming to an end soon. He didnt know how he felt about that but it was a decision he wasnt going to make anytime soon and his therapist told him not to rush into making a decision. She told him that he had made good progress but there was still much work to do and it would be a shame to stop now when he had made good progress.

For that reason Mickey decided to stay with it for now because he felt too good to have a setback now. But there was still that doubt in his mind that it would all come crashing down and get fucked up again but he decided to ignore it and deal with it when and if it happened. It was a busy night at the bar and Mickey was clearing empty glasses off the tables and looked around for Ian to see he wasnt in the bar and Mickey was dissappointed he wasnt here yet.

Mickey noticed that lately Ian was in the bar a lot more when he was working and he got used to his boyfriend being there all the time so when Ian wasnt there he missed him not that Mickey would admit that out loud except maybe to Ian if he were drunk enough. Mickey didnt know where Ian was and considered calling him when he dumped the collection of glasses on the bar when he felt two arms wrap around his shoulders from behind and he knew who it was straight away.

Ian pressed right up tight against Mickey as he hugged him kissing him on the cheek before telling him "sorry I'm late" firmly. Mickey grinned turning around to face Ian replying "about fucking time, I missed you" lightly. Ian softly laughed replying "well I'm here now anyway I tried to get Mandy to come but she didnt want to since its her night off and she doesnt want to spend it in a bar" firmly.

Mickey laughed replying "now she knows why I dont want to go to one when its my fucking night off but I still get dragged to one" humourdly. Ian laughed as he looked at Mickey replying "we dont force you to come with us" in a light tone. Mickey scoffed and looked down as he grabbed Ian's hips with hands muttering "true" not adding he just wanted to be with Ian.

When he looked back up he saw Ian grinning at him knowingly asking "you just want to be with me dont you" teasingly. Mickey groaned in embarrasment replying "oh fuck off" before laughing. They both knew Ian was right as he pushed Mickey against the bar leaning against him keeping his arm wrapped around Mickey leaning in to kiss his boyfriend. Mickey stopped it just as it got heated pushing Ian back a bit grinning at him blurting out "dont start shit you cant fucking finish" in a warning tone.

Ian looked at him innocently replying "not starting anything" firmly. Mickey scoffed not believing a word of it replying "sure you fucking arent" softly. Ian looked down hiding the small grin on his face knowing Mickey was right and went to step backwards when Mickey looked at Ian grabbing the back of his neck and and pulled him in for a kiss which did grow heated until Mickey heard his co-worker yell his name from behind the bar. Mickey grumbled "yeah I'm fucking coming, cant get five fucking minutes to myself around here" angrily.

Ian softly laughed looking at his boyfriend blurting out "you will be later" huskily. Mickey stood still looked at Ian before laughing replying "youre a fucking lame idiot" in a light tone. Ian laughed too feeling his face turn red before replying "yeah it sounded better in my head" softly. Mickey scoffed looking at Ian shaking his head in disbelief replying "yeah I bet it fucking did" softly.

Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck with his hand before resting it on his shoulder as he looked him adding "youre a fucking idiot" humordely. Ian scoffed looking at him replying "but you love me anyway" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian before replying "yeah I do although I'm questioning it right now" in a teasing tone. Ian softly laughed as he looked at Mickey who just told him "sit down and I'll get you a fucking drink" before walking away.

Ian bit down a small smile on his face as he sat down on the seat beside him when Mickey put a bottle of non alcoholic beer in front of Ian looking at him knowingly adding "you can pay me later at home" softly. Ian grinned at Mickey who just shook his head as he walked away and got back to work.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian didnt get to talk to Mickey for the rest of the night only when he wanted another drink so he occasionally spoke to some of the regulars that he knew from being in the bar. Mostly Ian just kept to himself as he wasnt in the mood for talking to people. He couldnt help think over the last year and a half when he walked back into Mickey's life determined to fix the mess he regretably made.

Ian thought back to those days when he broke up with Mickey and he was never so miserable in his life and even though he had good intentions he wished he could take it all back. He really hated that he fucked up and would never get the chance to fix it until he saw Mickey in the bar one night. To make it worse Ian didnt even have the nerve to go talk to Mickey for three months but he figured it was better late than never.

If Ian knew at the time he would be here right now a year and half later he would have made that talk with Mickey happen sooner. Ian took a drink from the bottle as he started to wonder the 'what if' game where he wondered what if he had never moved to north side, what if he had never broken up with Mickey in the first place. Ian also wondered if all the things Mickey had been through in the last year and half would have happened if he never left.

Ian hated that Mickey went through all of that alone after they broke up and it didnt matter that Ian was there for the most of it because Ian felt like he got there too late. Ian felt like he failed Mickey in some way by abandoning him when he needed Ian the most. He hated that Mickey tried to kill himself and that if he hadnt been there when it happened Mickey would be dead and no one would know or even care and he hated that thought, he also hated that he wouldnt know Mickey was dead either.

Ian sighed to himself hating that he was like his parents and family in that area when it came to abandoning the people you are supposed to love and care about. They were all different scenarios that Ian thought would never have happened if he never broke it off with Mickey. It didnt matter that Mickey told him the break from each other was probably a good thing but it didnt make Ian feel any better about his decision that he could never take back and Ian knew he would spend the rest of his life making up for it.

Ian's mood started to feel really shitty and he hated that he put himself in a bad mood over his own past actions. He thought back to a harmless comment Mandy made when she was making fun of them a few weeks ago that they always go everywhere together or Ian was always at the bar when Mickey was working. He softly laughed to himself at the memory realizing that Mandy probably had a point but what he didnt tell her was that he didnt want to be anywhere without Mickey.

He was broken from his thoughts when he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over to see Mickey looking at him as he asked "you ready to go" firmly. Ian softly smiled as he stood up and pulled Mickey in for a tight hug wrapping his arms around Mickey's shoulders and rubbing his face in his hair. Mickey hugged Ian tightly rubbing his hand up and down Ian's back before looking at him replying "I'm here, not going anywhere remember" softly. Ian looked down at the ground shaking his head replying "I know" softly. Mickey sighed hating that he didnt notice something was wrong earlier in the night.

Mickey had noticed that Ian had stopped talking to people like usually did and retreated into his own world and he knew Ian was over thinking everything again but he never got the chance to talk to Ian after his break as much as he tried to. Ian looked around noticing that the bar was mostly empty and wondered how long he had been sitting there thinking about his mistakes.

Mickey put his hand in Ian's hair making Ian look at him as he asked "you want to talk about it" curiously. Ian shook his head replying "not here" softly. Mickey dropped his hand to Ian's arms replying "okay, just let me finish what I need to do and then we will go home" firmly. Ian softly smiled as he looked at Mickey replying "I'll wait here" softly as he sat back down.

As Ian waited he never felt so glad that Mickey decided to give him another chance and he knew he was never going to fuck it up ever again.  When Mickey was finished and it was quiet enough for him to leave he walked over to Ian and grabbed his hand telling him "come on lets go home" firmly. Ian stood up and held onto Mickey's hand as he looked at him and kissed him on the lips before they left the bar and walked back to their apartment in comfortable silence.

 

* * *

 

 

When they got into the apartment Mickey shut the door behind them and locked it and turned around to see Ian standing in front of him and was about to ask what was wrong when Ian stepped forward pushing Mickey against the door. Ian tightened his grip on Mickey's hips as he looked at him when Mickey snorted asking "the fucks up with you, you on the vodka earlier that I dont know about about" in a light tone.

Ian ignored it instead he just kissed his boyfriend who wrapped his arms around Ian's back and pulled him right up against him thinking he could never get tired of all of this with Ian. Ian stopped and leaned his head back to look at Mickey as he ran his hand through Mickey's hair blurting out "I'm scared, all night at the bar all I could think about was that all of the shit that happened in the last year and a half would never have happened if I hadnt walked away from you" in a broken voice.

Mickey sighed as he looked at Ian pulling him closer to him even though there was no space left between them replying "it probably would have happened anyway, my dad would have gotten out and killed me if we were in southside so what else" softly. Ian looked down at his hand resting on Mickey's hip replying "and if I wasnt there that night when you tried to kill yourself you would have died and I wouldnt know because no one would have known and it would be all my fault, it never would have happened if I never left" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian's broken expression moving his hand to rest in Ian's hair replying "it probably would have happened anyway, just because you change the setting doesnt mean the same scenario changes" softly. Ian softly laughed replying "you sound like Ramirez" humordely. Mickey laughed replying "yeah well she knows her shit, fuck knows she pulls me up on my bullshit plenty of times, makes me want to fucking hit her except I dont hit women" firmly.

Ian looked at Mickey replying "tell me about, I be the same" humourdely. They fell into a comfortable silence as Ian looked down at the floor and Mickey felt there was something he needed to say and he wanted to ease Ian's fears too so he just hoped it would help. Mickey gently tugged on Ian's hair making Ian look at him as he blurted out "I'm glad you were there that night when I tried to kill myself, when I did it all I thought about was you and realized I didnt want to die, I was scared that I was going to die on the floor and you would find me the next morning and it would be too late and I was so glad you came out when you did even though I hated that you had to see it, I felt like I did a Monica on you and I hated it" softly.

Ian was about to say something but never got the chance as Mickey kept going adding "you saved me that night, you saved me the night you walked into the bar and asked to talk to me, anyone else I would have told to fuck off and even though you hurt me I just wanted you back, I get that you needed time on your own but some part of me always hoped you would come back even though I never let myself think it and even though I thought you realized you could do better than me that somehow you would change your mind, I know it sounds stupid" hesitantly.

Ian blinked back the tears that started to form in his eyes resting his hand in Mickey's hair blurting "you saved me too and I hate that it took leaving you to make me see that, I'm just glad I came back before it was too late and I could never do better than you, just thought you could do better than me" softly.

Mickey sighed knowing he needed to say this looking at Ian replying "but Ian after you left I was so angry at you, I hated you for a while, I hated that you were the one person I opened up to, trusted you and came out for you, risked my life for you and you threw it back in my face like it meant nothing to you, it took me a long time to trust you again and I'm still scared youre going to do it again" firmly.

Ian looked at him replying "I'm not leaving ever again, I'm sorry for hurting you and making you feel that way and I'll be sorry every day for that" in a broken voice. Mickey looked at him replying "I know you will and seeing the way you have been since you came back makes me believe that, I didnt say it to make you feel like shit, I just needed to say it and I'm not going to hold it over you, I want to move on from that shit, it happened and its done, I want what we have now, thats more important to me" firmly.

Ian didnt hide his suprise replying "really" in a broken voice. Mickey almost smiled as he replied "really, what we had before was all secrecy and we both treated each other like shit at times, thats what fear and the closet does to you, I'm sorry I made you feel like a mistress but I was so scared and you helped me stop being scared, I meant it when I said what you and I have makes me free, the last year and a half has been the happiest I've ever been" firmly.

Ian looked down trying to hide the embarrasment on his face as he bit his lip replying "me too" softly. Mickey heard it and softly laughed adding "and now he's embarrassed" humoredly. Ian looked up at Mickey replying "I'm not" unconvincingly. Mickey scoffed not believing a word from Ian replying "whatever" as he rolled his eyes. Ian laughed as he wrapped his arms around Mickey and kissed him again letting him know just how much he meant to him.

When they stopped Mickey looked at Ian adding "but what we have now is better, no secrecy, Terry's dead so no more living in fear that he will find me and kill us, and I get to treat you right and not hide you like youre a secret because you dont deserve that, the guys at the bar know about you and its nice to not feel like the shit will be kicked out of me for liking who I like" softly.

Ian bit his lip hiding his grin looking at Mickey replying "you work in a gay bar, they arent going to care" softly. Mickey groaned replying "you know what I mean asshole" humoredely. Ian laughed replying "yeah I do" softly. Another silence fell before Mickey looked at Ian replying "you know I dont regret any of it even though I regret letting Terry catch us, should have just let you go to work that day but other than that, I dont regret a single moment" firmly.

Ian looked at Mickey replying "neither do I except that day and breaking up with you" softly. Mickey kissed Ian again before replying "I know you do so how about we just start over, forget all that shit for good" firmly. Ian softly smiled replying "fine by me" softly. Mickey tugged gently on Ian's hair asking "so no more apologizing, we both know we fucked up but we're okay now right" firmly. Ian nodded replying "yeah" firmly.

Mickey softly smiled replying "good" firmly. Mickey kissed Ian again before looking at him adding "think I want to have my way with you now, suprised you didnt see the way I was looking at you all night, youre pratically mine now, hate those fuckers that look at you and think they have a chance with you" with a smirk. Ian grinned and looked down hating that he missed that because he was so busy thinking as he bit his lip before looking up at Mickey replying "so do it" softly.

Ian silently looked at Mickey before blurting out "you know youre mine too right" firmly. Mickey scoffed before grabbing Ian's hand in his own replying "fucking prove it then" and walked toward the bedroom with Ian following him with a big grin on his face knowing they would both prove it and prove it they did.

 

* * *

 

 

Ian woke up the next morning with Mickey lying pressed right up against him from behind and looked over his shoulder to see Mickey was still asleep. Ian settled back on the pillow as he faced the wall and found comfort in the way Mickey's arms were wrapped right around him caging him in the bed between the wall and his boyfriend. Ian grinned to himself at the memory of last night and he felt relieved after their talk and he also felt much better about the shit that happened too.

But he also knew Mickey was right, to move on they needed to forget about it and work on what they had now instead of focusing on the past. Ian let out a soft sigh deciding that was what he would do especially since Mickey wanted them to do it and he thought he could move on since Mickey had moved on from it. Ian wanted what they had now and he felt they were in a much better place than they were when they broke up and that was more important than apologizing all the time for past mistakes they both owned up to and apologized for and talked about.

Ian knew he was done talking about it and he knew Mickey was too so he decided to stop beating himself up over it when Mickey wasnt and wanted to move on from it. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mickey pull himself closer to him and tighten his arms around him as he kissed the back of his neck blurting out "stop thinking, youre giving me a headache" in a sleepy voice.

Ian scoffed hating that Mickey could always tell what was going on with him replying "I'm not, I'm asleep" tiredly. Mickey softly laughed replying "sure you are" sarcastically. Mickey knew Ian was awake from the sound of his breathing but he wouldnt admit that to Ian, it was just too lame so no way was he saying it especially when he was sober. Ian just softly laughed again and turned around to face Mickey replying "I'm not now" softly.

Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey pulling him closer tangling their legs together adding "also not my fault you wore me out" tiredly. Mickey looked at Ian as he scoffed replying "payback's a bitch but I didnt hear you complain" softly. Ian rolled his eyes looking at Mickey replying "maybe so but its not my fault I just want to love you" softly. Mickey laughed feeling his face turn red looking at Ian replying "youre a fucking lame idiot" humouredly.

Ian looked back at him replying "yeah but you love me, you said so last night repeatedly" confidently. Mickey sighed looking at Ian tightening his grip on him replying "cant lie because I do and anyway so did you" softly. Ian grinned at him replying "yeah I know because I love you too" firmly. Mickey blurted out "but if you tell anyone about last night I'll just deny it" teasingly. Ian rolled his eyes replying "ah forgot you have the Milkovich reputation to protect" in a light tone.

Mickey scoffed glaring back at Ian pushing against him with his body replying "fucking right I do" firmly. Ian laughed as he rolled them over and was lying on top of Mickey looking down at him silently thanking the universe for giving him the second chance not knowing Mickey was thinking the exact same thing. Mickey looked up at Ian blurting out "not letting you leave this room today" firmly. Ian slightly raised his eyebrow asking "what about my meds" curiously.

Mickey softly laughed resting his hand in Ian's hair replying "well you can go get them and bring them in here" softly. Ian scoffed replying "sounds like a good plan, might call work and say I'm sick" softly. Mickey laughed replying "even better so go do it then" firmly. Ian laughed replying "fine" softly. Ian kissed his boyfriend before he got up and left the room leaving the door open knowing Mickey was staring at him the whole time not that he cared.

Ian got his meds and some food for them both eat and went back into his room and picked up his phone before getting back into the bed. He took his meds as they both ate some food before Ian called into work and told them he was sick. When he put the empty plate and his phone back on the table beside the bed Mickey got back to his plan to occupy Ian for as long as he wanted not that Ian complained.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed them to have this talk and for Mickey to get what he needed to say to Ian how much he hurt him.


	26. Under the bright but faded lights you set my heart on fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is part two of the epilogue and its a continuation of the last chapter, I just needed to edit it and change some things so I will put it up now instead of waiting.

The next morning Mickey woke up in bed facing the wall as Ian slept behind him with his arms wrapped around him and Mickey pushed himself closer to Ian relaxing as Ian tightened his grip around him making him feel safe. Mickey let out a sigh still feeling too relaxed to move as he thought the last day or two with Ian was one of the best days of his life but he also knew that any of the best days of his life were mostly with Ian.

Mickey turned around to face Ian wrapping his arms around Ian pulling them closer together as he softly rubbed the back of Ian's head with his hand and softly kissed him on the lips wondering just what he did to deserve someone like Ian in his life. Mickey let out a sigh as he rested his head on the pillow thinking that something felt different over the last few months but especially last night.

He felt like something had changed between them and he wondered did Ian notice it too. Mickey never thought it was possible he could ever have someone like Ian or have someone make him feel the way Ian made him feel every day. Before Mickey met Ian he never saw anything worth having in his life. All he ever thought was that he was good for nothing and would spent most of it in jail to get away from his father and living under his father's tyranny in southside pretending he was exactly like his father when he knew deep down he was the opposite of his father.

Mickey also wondered how long he could have gone without having a girlfriend before his father noticed and forced him into a marriage he didnt want anyway. But Mickey knew he would have done it to keep his father from finding out he was gay. But then the universe had other plans by having Ian Gallagher blow into his life like a hurricane and turn his whole world upside down and there was nothing Mickey could do to stop it.

At first Mickey tried to keep Ian at a distance and it pissed him off that depsite his attempts at pushing Ian away it just made Ian want him even more. So Mickey did the one thing he knew he needed to do, he kept pushing Ian away telling himself he didnt deserve to be happy, he didnt deserve something good in his life and he was doing Ian a favor too. He also told himself that he needed to push Ian away before Ian got too close and didnt like what he saw and left anyway.

Mickey knew he couldnt handle that rejection so he stuck to protecting himself first. He told himself that he couldnt give to Ian what Ian was looking for because Mickey knew he didnt have it and knew he never did. But somewhere along the way Mickey realized Ian had crawled under his skin and past his defences without his permission and despite his efforts and telling himself Ian was just someone to fuck.

But eventually Mickey couldnt lie to himself anymore and he tried but when he realized that Ian made him happy he was suprised because he didnt think being happy was possible. He was suprised that Ian was the only person who actively looked for him, wasnt afraid of him, was willing to look past that tough exterior and past the Milkovich name and reputation.

When he realized all that he knew he started to care about Ian, wanted to see him, went looking for him, wanted to be near him, wanted to touch him, kiss him, do everything he wasnt supposed to do with another man according to his father. For a long time Mickey felt cold inside but Ian made him feel a warmth that made him want more so he decided that Ian was worth the risk and when push came to shove he chose Ian even though they both nearly got killed in the process.

Mickey wanted to be free, he had already tasted it with Ian and he knew there was no way he was going back to a life of living under his father's thumb pretending to be something he wasnt so he came out for Ian. And then it all came crashing down with Ian's diagnosis but it just made Mickey fight harder for Ian. Mickey knew he could take care of him even though Fiona and Lip warned him about being bipolar but Mickey knew he could do this, he didnt want to lose Ian again so he ignored them both.

But eventually Mickey realized it was too much, he couldnt give Ian what he needed again so he tried harder, tried to control Ian's diagnosis not realizing that he was pushing Ian away in the process. Mickey hated the irony in that, that when he wanted to push Ian away it didnt work but when he tried to keep Ian within reach he pushed him away. Then Ian broke up with him and Mickey now knew it was because Ian was so lost himself and hated himself for being bipolar that he didnt want to burden Mickey with that responsibility.

After that Mickey was lost again, he was pulled back into that darkness that he lived in before he met Ian and he fell into a black hole and was torn apart. Until a year later when Ian gently walked back into his life again and Mickey couldnt believe it, he couldnt believe that Ian came back but this time Ian wasnt the hurricane that he was when they first got together.

When Mickey saw him that night he wanted to tell Ian to get out and never come back but the part of him that was slowly dying was brought back to life at seeing Ian again especially at seeing how broken Ian was too. Mickey knew there was no way he would be able to tell Ian to leave him alone this time so he asked Ian to come over to his apartment the next day.

Mickey was falling apart on the inside and it suprised him that Ian stayed even though he was stable and still trying to come to terms with being bipolar. Mickey felt he had the Ian he knew before Monica's genetics got in the way back then and he somehow knew he would be okay again. Mickey knew Ian did something to him, he made him feel stronger than he actually felt, made him feel like he was worth something to someone.

Ian believed in him and saw something that no on else did and it constantly suprised Mickey as no one ever did in his whole life. No one ever gave a shit about him and it just made Mickey never give a shit about anyone else until Ian came into his life and made him feel alive like life was worth living. Mickey always felt like he didnt need anyone but when Ian broke up with him he realized just how much he needed Ian and he was lost without him.

He just hated that he was the one that pushed Ian away even though Ian told him that it wasnt true, that he left because he hated himself and didnt think he deseved Mickey. But Mickey was so used to being told he didnt deserve anything that Ian's words were of little comfort.

For a long time Mickey felt nothing but empty inside and Ian replaced that emptyness and now that he had Ian back that emptyness was no longer there inside of him.  Ian was the light in the darkness that he thought he lost forever until Ian came back and Mickey felt like he could breathe again.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he felt Ian hug him tighter and pull gently on his hair before he looked at Ian to see him looking back at him with a small grin on his face.

Mickey sighed hoping that it wasnt that long asking "how long have you been awake" curiously. Ian softly laughed replying "long enough, asked you a question but you ignored me so just left it" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "fuck you asshole" with no bite in his tone. Ian softly laughed again replying "well you looked like you were trying to figure out the answers to the universe so I left you to it" teasingly.

Mickey scoffed again as he pushed Ian with his body replying "so you just stared at me the whole time like a creepy asshole, thats real nice Ian" mockingly. Ian laughed replying "no but its not my fault you didnt hear me" in a light tone. Mickey ignored it replying "you could have distracted me" softly.

Ian narrowed his eyes replying "maybe but I decided not to" softly. A comfortable silence fell before Ian blurted out "was just thinking about stuff" softly. Mickey sighed deciding not to tell Ian what he was thinking about replying "yeah me too" softly.

Another silence fell before Ian blurted out "was just thinking what if I'm more like Monica than I think, not just the bipolar but what if I am like her in other ways, I left you once so I'll probably do it again because my meds didnt work or something even though I dont want to leave" hesitantly. Mickey hugged Ian tighter looking at him replying "youre not Monica just like I'm not Terry" firmly.

Ian softly smiled replying "but what if it happens and we have to be realistic" softly. Ian never got to say anything as Mickey just shut him up by kissing him before looking at him replying "your meds stopped working a while ago and you didnt run off did you" firmly. Ian knew he was right as he sighed replying "no" insecurely. Mickey replied "but you could have and you chose not to, you chose to get new ones and that makes you nothing like her" firmly.

Ian silently looked at Mickey knowing he was right as he replied "I just hate that she makes me feel like this, I'm scared she will show up again and ruin everything" softly. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's head with his hand replying "and if she does then we'll tell her to fuck off and I'll threaten to make sure no ever finds her again by dumping her body in the deepest part of Lake Michigan" coldly.

Ian softly laughed looking at Mickey knowing that he would do it replying "can I help you do it" softly. Mickey relaxed as he looked at Ian and rubbed his hand on Ian's shoulder under the covers replying "of course you fucking can" softly. Ian softly laughed replying "hopefully we wont have to though but if she shows up then I will tell her to go away" firmly. Mickey sighed blurting out "its a big city so it might not happen" softly.

Ian softly grimaced replying "it might not so I'm done thinking about, I dont care anymore, why should I when she doesnt give a shit about me" angrily. Mickey pushed against Ian replying "exactly especially when you could be doing other things like me" before laughing. Ian rolled his eyes "there you go again distracting me" humoredly. Mickey raised his eyebrow hoping he sounded convincing replying "yeah but its for your benifit" firmly.

Ian scoffed not believeing a word replying "yeah right" in a light tone. They fell into another comfortable silence before Ian asked "so what were you thinking about that you ignored me" curiously. Mickey rolled his eyes not really wanting to talk about it but it was out before he stop it as he blurted out "just stuff, mainly you" softly. Ian's eyes widened as he hesitantly asked not hiding the insecurity in his voice "oh yeah" softly.

Mickey sighed as he lay on his back but still pressed up against Ian staring at celing as felt Ian rest his arm on his stomach so he rested his hand on Ian's arm blurting out "I meant it when I said I dont regret any of it but I just cant help think how different things would be if we never met, I wouldnt have ended up raped, I'd just be completely miserable all the time but at least it would keep Terry away from you and you'd be safe" softly.

Ian looked at Mickey blurting out "I dont regret any of it except that day, I should have just went to work but I cant change it" softly. Mickey moved his head to look at Ian replying "I know but its not what I mean, I mean that I wouldnt know any different, dont take this the wrong way but you were never part of my plan" softly. Ian's expression faltered and he didnt know what to think or say so he remained silent figuring Mickey wasnt done talking.

Mickey moved his head to stare at the celing "before I met you the plan was that I'd just accept things for the way they were, keep up the pretence that I fuck women to keep my dad off my back even though he doesnt know the truth and that to survive I need to stay in the closet and if I ever got the nerve I could go into boystown and find some random guy to fuck in the alley and no one would know any different" softly.

Ian sighed realizing now what his boyfriend meant and hated that he would live like that as he asked "and what if Terry asked when were you getting married, he would get suspicious eventually" curiously. Mickey snorted replying "nah that dumb fuck would be too far up his own ass and on meth to even make that connection, all I would need to do is have a random girl show up every now and again when he isnt in jail and play the eternal bachelor and he wouldnt know any different just once he thought I was straight" disdainfully.

Ian softly sighed hating that Mickey was willing to make himself miserable and pretend to be something he wasnt in front of his father replying "but you would be miserable" softly. Mickey sighed knowing Ian was right but that was the way he saw his whole life and he accepted it long before he met Ian as he blurted out "I accepted that I would be living that way the second I figured out I was gay when I was fourteen and my dad made me gay bash a kid" in a broken voice.

Ian hated that Mickey saw that as normal all because his father was a fucked up asshole who didnt deserve to be alive and he never more glad the homophobic asshole was dead. A silence fell before Mickey blurted out without meaning to "guess the plan didnt turn out the way I wanted it to" softly. Ian softly grinned asking "what happened to the plan" curiously.

Mickey scoffed replying "you know right fucking well what happened to the plan" humoredly. Ian grinned as Mickey moved to lie on his side facing Ian adding "you fucking barged your way into it and fucked it up" before laughing. Ian bit down on his lip trying but failing not to laugh and felt the warm feeling in his chest at the way Mickey looking at him with nothing but love on his face.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian and kissed him before Ian blurted out "sorry for fucking up your plan" humoredly. Mickey sighed happily replying "dont be, I'm not" firmly. Ian couldnt keep the grin off his face as he looked down trying to stop the faint red blush creeping up on his face blurting out "I just wanted you" softly.

Mickey silently looked at Ian knowing he felt the same as Ian looked up at him asking "so why did you not stick to the plan" curiously. Mickey moved his hand to run it through Ian's hair replying "I wanted you more" bluntly. Ian silently looked at his boyfriend not expecting that response blurting out "yeah" insecurely. Mickey almost rolled his eyes and how insecure Ian could be around him but not anyone else.

Mickey always thought Ian oozed confidence but when he got to know him much better he knew that Ian was so insecure about himself that it was almost painful to look at sometimes. Mickey knew that Ian hid that part of himself from everyone including his family and that only he got to see that part of Ian which made him always feel like he knew Ian better than his own family did.

Mickey knew that Ian always felt second best to his own brother and that Lip's superior attitude made Ian feel like he was useless. Mickey didnt know how many times he had to listen to Ian and pick him up after one of Lip's demoralising speeches at Ian where Ian just felt worthless and stupid. Then he would just take Ian to the abandoned buildings with some weed and beer and just drink, get high and talk until Ian felt okay again and then they would fuck before going home at the crack of dawn.

Mickey took a deep breath thinking this was another one of those times and he knew he would pick Ian up again replying "you made me feel happy, like I was worth something, you gave me something I never thought I would get to have, you made me feel free, I wanted that more so I decided the plan could go fuck off" firmly. Mickey didnt know why Ian always seemed to make him blurt out everything in his head but he found he didnt care anymore.

Mickey hated that he said all that but he knew when it came to Ian he didnt care anymore, he knew Ian would never tell anyone because Ian was his best friend and Ian loved him and he cared abut him and Mickey never had that before from anyone. Mickey blurted out "I never had any friends, didnt trust anyone or like them either so fuck you for making me love you" humordly. Ian scoffed looking at Mickey replying "could say the same about you" firmly.

Mickey hesitantly asked "yeah" softly. Ian softly smiled replying "yeah" firmly. Mickey tried to stop his face from turning slightly red as he silently looked at Ian and could see Ian meant it before blurting out "youre the best thing to ever fucking happen to me" softly. Ian grinned at him as he grabbed the back of Mickey's neck and kissed him before he looked at him replying "yeah same with you" firmly.

Mickey pulled himself closer to Ian hugging him tightly knowing that before Ian he might as well have been dead inside but Ian set his whole insides on fire in a good way and it was fire that Mickey never wanted to be without. Ian made him feel more alive than he ever felt. Before Ian Mickey was just existing and trying to survive but Ian made him want to live and made life worth living and it was realization that made Mickey realize that he was glad Ian crashed into his world and turned it upside down.

They both stared at each other in silence before Mickey decided fuck it blurting out "you make me glad I abandoned that plan" softly. Ian grinned at him replying "I'm glad I came back to you that night at the bar, I missed you all the time after we broke up, it made me realize how much I love you" softly. Mickey bit his lip to stop from grinning as he looked at Ian replying "yeah I love you too although I realized that a long time ago" firmly.

Ian rolled them over so he was lying on top Mickey resting between his legs as he rested on his forearms placing them each side of Mickey's head as he looked down at him. Mickey looked up at Ian silent wrapping his arms around Ian's back and bit his lip slightly raising his eyebrow asking "so uh you going to get on me now" curiously. Ian slightly laughed before replying "no" with a smile. Mickey glared at him blurting out in shock replying "you what" curiously.

Ian grinned at him looking at him intensely replying "I'm going to love you until you hate me" firmly. Mickey laughed looking at Ian replying "youre an idiot and I could never hate you" firmly. Ian knew Mickey was telling the truth and he also knew he could never hate Mickey either and when Mickey pushed up against him and attempted to push Ian off him Ian just pushed back so they wrestled a bit as Ian blurted out "let me love you" as he laughed.

Mickey laughed deciding to give in and gave up letting Ian win just wanting to feel Ian on top of him blurting "well get to it then" firmly. They stared at each other silently as Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck and pulled him down so he could kiss the shit out of Ian and get to good part. And get to the good part they did and Ian made sure Mickey knew just how much he loved him and Mickey did the same for Ian too.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey was glad that they both moved on from their past and it was nice to close the door on it and start a new chapter with Ian. He got another chance with Ian and that was all he wanted, he just wanted to be with Ian and he was just going to let himself be happy because he deserved to be happy. He was glad that Ian came back into his life again and he knew it was much better.

They were much closer now and he felt like he had his best friend back again and he knew it was a whole new relationship for them and he knew the time apart from each other was the best thing that could have happened. Mickey felt stronger now that Ian was back in his life and he was dealing with the ghosts of his past but he knew that having Ian there for him helped a lot too. Mickey knew they both needed each other and for the first time he wasnt afraid because he knew that Ian would be there to help him and him for Ian.

Now that they had each other again they just decided they didnt care about their past because the past was the past and they were willing to leave it there to rot in the dust. They had each other again and they both knew that nothing else mattered.

 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad to say this story is now finished. Just want to finish with thank you for reading it, commenting on it and giving the kudos and even if you just read it and didn't comment or leave kudos. It makes me happy to know that people liked it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.


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